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Original poster

DH sexting girl 20 years younger than him

97 replies

Oceniam · 13/12/2022 01:43

Found out tonight that my DH has been sexting a 24 year old girl who he works with. I confronted him and he promised that nothing more has happened between them both. Now I don’t know what to believe.. the thought of a 44 year old man talking dirty to a 24 year old has made my stomach turn to be quite honest. We have two young children together and we’re suppose to be all going away together over the Christmas holiday but all this happening is giving me second thoughts. Since me confronting him the girl in question has blocked me on the social media app that she was using to talk to him on which is very strange to me? I’ve never had any suspicions of him cheating on me and this is why it’s been a big shock to the system. Any advice or women that have been in the same boat? Thanks x

OP posts:
liarliarshortsonfire · 13/12/2022 07:49

He's only admitting to what you can prove. Don't discount a physical affair just because he's said so.

She'll block you as she knows you've found out about the relationship and doesn't want you messaging her.

I'd go away at Christmas without him, give him a divorce for Christmas

Justleaveitblankthen · 13/12/2022 07:53

I'm curious how you know that she blocked you? Did you try to message her, it was read and then you were blocked? Or could you simply not contact her at all? How does this stuff work? 🤔(Just because if I block someone, I don't want them to know they are blocked if possible.. )

WandaWonder · 13/12/2022 07:54

Outtasteamandluck · 13/12/2022 06:34

Because it's normal to want to know the details. OP is trying to piece together what's happened.
And fuck it's all the man, yes OP needs to deal with him but the girl is also responsible especially if she knew he was married. I'd be calling her superior, no way she should get off too. Let me be clear though...they BOTH need dealing with.

Show quote history

Her superior? If you mean work what on earth does work have to do with it?

IneedanewTV · 13/12/2022 07:57

Outtasteamandluck · 13/12/2022 06:34

Because it's normal to want to know the details. OP is trying to piece together what's happened.
And fuck it's all the man, yes OP needs to deal with him but the girl is also responsible especially if she knew he was married. I'd be calling her superior, no way she should get off too. Let me be clear though...they BOTH need dealing with.

Show quote history

Calling her superior??? Why??? That would be out of order. The OP needs to deal with her wondering husband. He is sexting another woman - that’s all the OP needs to think about. Are you ok with that OP? You need to decide what you want to happen. You don’t need anymore evidence. Do you want your marriage to end or continue. That’s the choice.

rookiemere · 13/12/2022 08:02

OP you've had a huge shock.

It's easy for us to say leave him, but this has just happened to you. Screenshot the message exchange, but don't feel you need to rush into doing anything else right now.

layladomino · 13/12/2022 08:06

Even if he's telling the truth and it's 'only' sexting.... that still makes him cheat. He's still been spending time and energy thinking about and communicating with her. He's still thinking about her in a sexual way. If they haven't done anything physical, it would presumably only have been a matter of time. But even if it never came to anything physical.... he's still lied and cheated IMO.

Don't let him downplay this. You're worth more than that.

whatstheteamarie · 13/12/2022 08:09

Does his work have an HR Department?

Because presumably your DH (being 20 years older) has worked his way into a higher position in the company than the 24 year old and the sexting could be seen as a serious misuse of power.

He needs to speak to HR and declare this relationship so both of them can be individually interviewed and prove that no sexual misconduct has taken place.

If this relationship gets found out about later, or declared by the OW it might not look good for him. If he avoids doing this he's probably admitting that there was some sexual misconduct/physical acts.

Obviously there's a risk that he and she may lose their jobs over this, but along with divorce and a Harvey Weinstein reputation that's the gamble he took when starting this liaison; now is the time for him to pay the piper.

Smooshface · 13/12/2022 08:12

Urgh, they are both gross, I'm so sorry. What does a 24 year old have in common with a family man twice her age?

I would be looking at getting my ducks in a row, be prepared for much worse to reveal itself as he trickle truths you.

We had holiday after i discovered affair, it was agony and i spent the whole time trying to talk to him (and sleep with him) because he had minimised what was actually going on. Remember that he picked to do all this - are there other red flags you ignored in relationship or is this really a blip?

ScrappyCats · 13/12/2022 08:12

Maybe move away from the word “sexting” when you think or talk about this, as it minimises what he has done.

Say what it really is to yourself - painful as it is. Your husband has been writing messages to another woman telling her that he fancies her and wants to have sex with her, and describing to her what he thinks that would feel like, while he is imaging it and hoping he will be able to do these things with her in reality.

Have they talked these fantasises through on the phone, in person? If it hasn’t happened in reality, is that just because she didn’t want to go that far?

Do you know the conversations were kept just to sex? Did they chat about other things, how their days were going? Did he discuss your marriage with her?

Has he tried to flirt with other young women, but this is just the first one who has been prepared to entertain him?

Be brutally honest with yourself and don’t let him give it “Oh, only sexting” when he talks to you as if he is some kind of cool young teenager. He is a grown man with a family who has been desperately trying to get another woman to have sex with him and has been caught out.

Aikko · 13/12/2022 08:22

Smooshface · 13/12/2022 08:12

Urgh, they are both gross, I'm so sorry. What does a 24 year old have in common with a family man twice her age?

I would be looking at getting my ducks in a row, be prepared for much worse to reveal itself as he trickle truths you.

We had holiday after i discovered affair, it was agony and i spent the whole time trying to talk to him (and sleep with him) because he had minimised what was actually going on. Remember that he picked to do all this - are there other red flags you ignored in relationship or is this really a blip?

Perhaps she gets off on the power to make a man destroy his life for her.

middleager · 13/12/2022 08:23

Urgh....there would be no way forward for me if my husband had done this.
You and the kids deserve better.

WonderingWanda · 13/12/2022 08:29

I think I would be blocking my dh in this situation, how repulsive. Ignore the young woman and consider how you feel about him?

Tinseltosser · 13/12/2022 08:31

Perhaps she gets off on the power to make a man destroy his life for her.

I knew a girl like this when I was younger. She genuinely enjoyed watching men make idiots of themselves and ruin their lives for her. The things that I couldn’t understand is that her desire to hurt seemed to focus on the innocent wife/children. It was like a competition she had to win.

Have no idea why I stayed friends with her for so long, it ended a long time ago. I still hear through the grapevine that she hasn’t changed, but that she has dc now that she also drags along from disaster to disaster.

Motnight · 13/12/2022 08:34

Aikko · 13/12/2022 08:22

Perhaps she gets off on the power to make a man destroy his life for her.

Show quote history

Yes, poor powerless, blameless man, in the grip of a young evil woman.

isthismylifenow · 13/12/2022 08:34

How did you find out? Did you have suspicions, ie been behaving differently etc.

Do you know her and saw her profile before finding this out?

I'm so sorry but don't let him play this down. You've obvs caught him off guard approaching him about it and he will just say anything to make it seem less than it is.

I'd definitely consider going on the holiday anyway, just without him. It will give you the space you need to process this shock.

80s · 13/12/2022 08:43

If they've been texting for more than a few weeks and see each other regularly at work then realistically, it's pretty likely they've done more than that. And if he hasn't, he's been preparing to.
My exh sold me a sob story about how he was just talking to his OW because their mums had both had cancer, so she understood what he was going through better than me, and if I stopped them talking then I was being callous and proving how little I understood. Later I read their messages and it was all sex. They can lie to your face and you won't be able to tell.
Be prepared for him to make this your fault, and to rewrite your past to the point where you are frantically searching for proof of things you know happened. Look up the Script to be prepared for any bullshit.
Think back: has there been any other unusual behaviour over the past few months/weeks - coming home later? Did he mention a new "work colleague"? Suddenly have an interest in a new style of music/singer? Come to bed later than you? When did it start?

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 13/12/2022 08:44

She’s not a girl, she’s a grown woman.

At best he’s been sexting another woman, having at least an emotional affair if not physical.

he will only tell you the bare minimum he thinks he can get away with - he’s told her to block you so she can’t share more

is that a marriage you want to stay in OP?

really shit for you and the kids, especially right before Christmas. Do you have family and friends to support you?

RottingAutumnApples · 13/12/2022 08:55

Aikko · 13/12/2022 08:22

Perhaps she gets off on the power to make a man destroy his life for her.

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Jesus. All these bizarre speculations about OW.

Their motivations are simple. They fancy the man and don’t feel they owe the wife anything.

OP, it’s vanishingly unlikely that they aren’t having sex.

Sorry.

Sopharsogood · 13/12/2022 09:23

When I was in my 20s, I had a fling with an older married man. I was inexperienced, naive and was swept off my feet. Now in my 40s and married, I feel so sorry for the man’s wife who did find out eventually. It started with being jokey at work, then texting outside of work, then we both booked time off work (him a full day, me a half day) and we went to a hotel.
I didn’t even think about his wife as I was too wrapped up in him complimenting me and being attentive. I regret it all now of course.
When his wife found out, she tracked me down, knocked on my door and dragged me out by the hair, in her eyes, it was all my fault not his. She forgave him then he went and cheated with someone else, also from work (I’d left by then).

OP, the signs are there and only you can decide to forgive and know he will do it again or divorce him.

Winterswomderer · 13/12/2022 09:28

For gods sake some of these responses. She’s not a girl she’s a grown woman and it’s her husband who is cheating on the op. He’s the issue. Wtf knows what he is telling this woman. She’s not the issue. He is.

AutumnLeaves5 · 13/12/2022 09:30

Yeah focus on your husband being a cheating bastard rather than the women.

She may not have been out to seduce him and wreck his marriage….I know a lot of naive, vulnerable 24 year olds who if an older, more powerful man at work started paying them attention, complimenting them and feeding them lies, they’d fall for it. If he was her boss then I’d be considering telling HR, as it’s easily an abuse of power.

He won’t change, he’ll just be more careful the next time.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2022 09:36

He's probably told her all sorts. Your marriage is dead, no sex for years, you sleep in separate rooms, he's only staying for the kids, blah blah blah.

What a prick.

Trees6 · 13/12/2022 09:51

Yes, the woman has probably been told that you never have sex and are only together for the sake of the children. He’s probably advised her that you’ll turn nasty or psychotic if she doesn’t block you. Some people, both men and women, are quite gullible and credulous. So, I think that the narrative of the spiteful, mindful career home-wrecker is a bit of a stretch tbh but I obviously don’t know her.

It would be wiser to focus on him and what you intend to do. Bear in mind that even if they haven’t had sex, he would probably do so if the opportunity arose.

Pascor · 13/12/2022 10:22

Outtasteamandluck · 13/12/2022 06:34

Because it's normal to want to know the details. OP is trying to piece together what's happened.
And fuck it's all the man, yes OP needs to deal with him but the girl is also responsible especially if she knew he was married. I'd be calling her superior, no way she should get off too. Let me be clear though...they BOTH need dealing with.

Show quote history

First of all, she's a 24 year old WOMAN, not a girl. Second, if she's 24 and he's 44, there's a good chance he IS her superior in work, in which case he's looking at being fired and she's looking at a successful sexual harassment complaint.

FFS people read the OP, HE is sexting HER. Is there anything that shows she is doing anything at all? No.

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 13/12/2022 10:24

I’m so sorry op. What a shitty thing to be going through.

I have no advice other than to trust your gut. I really hope things work out for you.