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Original poster

Awakes money situation how to address

57 replies

awkconversation · 12/12/2022 15:32

Wasn't sure whether to post this in Money or Relaitonships but I'll try here first.

Got myself in a bit of an awkward situation and not sure of the best way to tackle it.

DP and I live together. It's my house (I owned it before we met).

As it stands all bills etc are in my name as they already were. We pay costs 50/50 including mortgage even though it's my house (we didn't do this right away) and it's been a choice of theirs. We both have children who live here for at least 50% of the time, so it's a home by all accounts.

However, I work fully time, DP is sept employed. Covid threw up some issues as they couldn't work etc, all fine, is what it is.

However we go through periods some times where they are earning less. This means I am left paying all the bills and asking for their 50% which I hate, some months I don't get the full 50% but it's never really discussed despite me bringing it up, it's left at 'I'll sort it' but then it doesn't happen. I am keeping a note of what I'm owed.

This situation won't always go on for long though, and being in contracts etc for things and things just need paying I don't really know what I can do about it.

DP pays for some other bits through work which are supposed to be a 'bonus' this isn't factored into the 50% and I am grateful for this is but don't want to get into this offsetting the money as the things he gets are more expensive than I'd spend cash if that makes sense. E.g. he gets a gold watch and is normally just buy silver (not the actual things but a comparison) again this has been done on a basis that he wants to. I've always said I'm happy to buy the things myself and he can have all of the stuff through work.

It means some months I'm left paying more than the 50% and i simply don't have the money.

It's all a bit complicated as our finances are pretty separate, he has arrangements with his ex that I don't get involved in and me with mine etc. but that also makes me feel a bit annoyed as for all I know he could be sending money all over the shop and leaving me short and I'd have no idea.

I don't know what the solution is here. I considered setting up a bank acct just for bills and paying in my 50% but I don't really want a joint acct, and if he doesn't have the money to put in, it would go overdrawn and end up affecting my credit which I don't want either! Feel like I'm in a no win situation.

What would you do?

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 12/12/2022 16:25

Bills should be split in accordance with your respective incomes. If your OH earn less than you on average through the year then their share of bills should be proportionate to their income and not necessarily 50%, if they can’t afford 50%. They shouldn’t owe you money for months when they genuinely couldn’t afford the amount you’re demanding. I presume the references in your post to “they” is to conceal which one of you is male and which female as sex always sways MN opinion; my response would be the same either way.

ComtesseDeSpair · 12/12/2022 16:26

And it’s fine to have separate finances as a couple and not want a joint account, but you do need to know about the status of each other’s finances and what each other’s income is. Transparency and communication is key, if your feeling is they aren’t being honest with you about earnings and outgoings?

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 12/12/2022 16:35

Agree with PP, he shouldn't be paying 50% if he's earning less than you, he also IMO shouldn't be paying towards your mortgage - what if you split, he gets nothing

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 12/12/2022 17:21

How would he manage if he wasn’t living with you? Because presumably he makes savings by living with you (as do you with him, sharing heating, utilities etc)

Think about the mortgage payments. How did you pay your mortgage before he moved in? He could make a claim on your house if you split and he can demonstrate that he has been paying part of the mortgage.

Having to ask him for money can’t be ideal. The bills and household costs should be something you address together. If you had a joint account that was only for shared household bills and costs you could work out a monthly amount that you both pay in… try and build it up to cover emergencies, high winter bills etc.

Original poster
awkconversation · 12/12/2022 17:31

We earn the same in theory, and things have been agreed on that basis. E.g any expensive extras are agreed on a 'can we afford this' basis. If it was a can you afford 70% and me 30% the answer would be no.

The problem is his income fluctuates and I know for a fact there are months he earns extra (and I don't see more than the 50%) and months he earns less (but then I see less than)

I think this is a finance management issue on their front.

If he earnt a lot less we would split accordingly but if anything he earns more than me, but just sometimes not. My money is consistent as I'm employed and as I say all things come out of my bank acct so I have no choice but to pay.

We have things that were bought on the basis we could afford 50% each (a car for example) which means some months I'm paying 100% of that cost as I don't get the 50%.

The mortgage is difficult and tbh id be fine for them not to pay, I paid alone before. They want to as they want it to feel like home.
I want to get a proper agreement in writing for this as rightly so they have some entitlements if we split but, the sticking point is, they aren't divorced. So I am refusing to put anything in writing legally until this happens as I'm not risking my own kids inheritance to an ex. That's on him and I've left it in his hands to sort.

OP posts:
Original poster
awkconversation · 12/12/2022 17:36

I think partly the issue is realistically I don't know what they have coming in or going out, except what I'm told which I'm not sure if always accurate. From what I know, the earn at least the same if not more than me. But I think sometimes they pay out for things exes ask for and I wouldn't know. I think they pay above their means in this respect to kind of make a point they can, to their ex when in reality they can't afford to.

I have no issue with them paying for their kids at all in line with what is affordable as long as outgoings are covered.

This is another reason I don't want to combine finances. I feel like I manage mine much better so want to keep them as separate as possible. But also want to tackle this issue.

Also I would be fine with them saying 'I won't earn as much this month, so I can only pay X' but then we need to adjust our outgoings really as I don't have the means to pick up the tab for expensive luxuries alone, and they weren't agreed on that basis.

Also times they may not pay as much but then pay out for other items that I do know about. E.g. an expensive party. Again I am not begrudging any child a party but £400 is excessive imo if you don't pay your initial costs but pay for that.

OP posts:
ICanHideButICantRun · 12/12/2022 17:37

I would have called the money towards the mortgage "rent" as it's what he would have to pay anyway if he wasn't living with you.

I'd be furious about him not paying his 50% - it's terrible that he just leaves you in the lurch like that.

EmmaAgain22 · 12/12/2022 17:40

OP "I want to get a proper agreement in writing for this as rightly so they have some entitlements if we split but, the sticking point is, they aren't divorced."

Oh my.

have you got joint children?

if not, he moves out now.

Original poster
awkconversation · 12/12/2022 18:02

EmmaAgain22 · 12/12/2022 17:40

OP "I want to get a proper agreement in writing for this as rightly so they have some entitlements if we split but, the sticking point is, they aren't divorced."

Oh my.

have you got joint children?

if not, he moves out now.

No joint children no.

OP posts:
Original poster
awkconversation · 12/12/2022 18:07

ICanHideButICantRun · 12/12/2022 17:37

I would have called the money towards the mortgage "rent" as it's what he would have to pay anyway if he wasn't living with you.

I'd be furious about him not paying his 50% - it's terrible that he just leaves you in the lurch like that.

That's my thinking. The 50% of the mortgage is significantly less than rent would be even if he was living with someone else. As my mortgage is low as I've had it a while. Plus it was optional, they can pay or not pay, it was their choice to pay it.

I am mad about it. Mainly due to the agreement. I could kind of justify paying bills only, as I would have to do this regardless but the extras I certainly wouldn't have if I was on my own, they are luxuries and were agreed on the basis that we would pay 50% each and could both afford it. So to then be left paying more than the 50% it doesn't seem fair at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
awkconversation · 12/12/2022 18:12

ComtesseDeSpair · 12/12/2022 16:26

And it’s fine to have separate finances as a couple and not want a joint account, but you do need to know about the status of each other’s finances and what each other’s income is. Transparency and communication is key, if your feeling is they aren’t being honest with you about earnings and outgoings?

Yes I do feel like I don't get the full story. I know their arrangement is that they pay for practically everything for their kids. Clubs, trips, dinner money, clothing, shoes etc. it's the way he likes it. Which again is fine, if... you can afford it, which he clearly can't, or at least not all the time.

I feel like what happens is, he keeps the status quo there, paying for everything asked for, and I get left without what is needed. So basically I'm funding that. And that part I do not agree with. I have my own kids I have to pay for and don't have this arrangement with their dad, he pays a fair amount and that's it.

OP posts:
RandomPerson42 · 12/12/2022 18:22

Your partner should have built themself a cash buffer to cope with their fluctuating income.

Sounds like you are subsidising their children.

And yes, their part of the mortgage payment is rent - not building up capital ownership - you need to sort that out properly if you are not going to become a real couple with joint finances.

EL0ISE · 12/12/2022 18:28

So he is saving money by paying less than his share of the bills. Then spending this on luxuries for his child.

How many nights a week does his child stay with you ? I’m asking because this will affect the amount of child support that he pays for his child.

emptythelitterbox · 12/12/2022 18:29

How often has he left you short?

It sounds like he's already getting a good deal in laying a lot less than if he were renting somewhere else.

Do he also do his fair share of cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.?

EmmaAgain22 · 12/12/2022 18:34

Who is "they"?

I guess I am the only poster wondering about the legal implications with him being married.

he might be sponging off both of you.

Original poster
awkconversation · 12/12/2022 18:40

RandomPerson42 · 12/12/2022 18:22

Your partner should have built themself a cash buffer to cope with their fluctuating income.

Sounds like you are subsidising their children.

And yes, their part of the mortgage payment is rent - not building up capital ownership - you need to sort that out properly if you are not going to become a real couple with joint finances.

I agree re a cash buffer.

For their children I do feel like this could be the case sometimes. However it's difficult as I say as they do have the 'bonus' side of things which benefits my kids.

Hard to explain but it means I don't have to pay for some stuff I usually would have to pay for. But it's also more than I would spend or more expensive stuff than I would choose should I have to get it myself. So I don't want it to be used as an 'offset' and have voiced this and said I am happy to buy my own stuff. But it's always met with the fact they want to. Almost feels like it's used as a bit of a well if I can't pay can awk really moan cause I am getting all this other stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
awkconversation · 12/12/2022 18:41

EL0ISE · 12/12/2022 18:28

So he is saving money by paying less than his share of the bills. Then spending this on luxuries for his child.

How many nights a week does his child stay with you ? I’m asking because this will affect the amount of child support that he pays for his child.

Not always I don't think. But on occasions yes definitely. This most recent example being one. What I was 'down' that month was spent on the party. Plus I was down more than that. So technically I've paid for the party. Meanwhile spending less than that on my own child's birthday as I didn't then have the money.

OP posts:
Original poster
awkconversation · 12/12/2022 18:43

emptythelitterbox · 12/12/2022 18:29

How often has he left you short?

It sounds like he's already getting a good deal in laying a lot less than if he were renting somewhere else.

Do he also do his fair share of cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.?

It used to happen more often, but less amounts. Then covid happened and I was footing 90% as their work was effected. I didn't mind this, as I would have hoped roles reversed they would have done the same for me.

Took some while to recover post covid so fluctuated and I was short again most months for a good 6 months maybe.

Then things went good for a while and I was getting full 50% so thought great, we are sorted. Now the past 2 months it's crept back in.

As it stands this month I have been given what I was down by last month and nothing else yet. All bills gone out and so I have 0 left.

My income alone doesn't cover the outgoings.

OP posts:
Original poster
awkconversation · 12/12/2022 18:43

EmmaAgain22 · 12/12/2022 18:34

Who is "they"?

I guess I am the only poster wondering about the legal implications with him being married.

he might be sponging off both of you.

Sorry just habit was of writing they/he

OP posts:
Original poster
awkconversation · 12/12/2022 18:45

EmmaAgain22 · 12/12/2022 18:34

Who is "they"?

I guess I am the only poster wondering about the legal implications with him being married.

he might be sponging off both of you.

Which legal implications do you mean?

I know quite a bit about that situation. His ex works, but has no assets, they rented a home and he was breadwinner when there, so I know he doesn't get anything from that.

It's more me protecting my assets as I am not willing to have anything joint or agreed legally until that divorce is done.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 12/12/2022 18:45

@awkconversation why isn’t he divorced yet? You mentioned covid affecting his income so assuming that you have lived together for three years plus. I get sometimes things just sort of happen in an ad hoc way but this is going on years now. If you split and he has been paying half your mortgage for years he may want his money back and depending on who can prove what he may have a beneficial interest in the property, depending on what you have agreed. Time to say new year is coming let’s get everything regularised, ask him when the divorce will be finalised and when you can then talk about your financial position as a couple. He seems to know a lot about what you have been you don’t really know anything about his side of the balance sheet

EmmaAgain22 · 12/12/2022 18:49

awkconversation · 12/12/2022 18:45

Which legal implications do you mean?

I know quite a bit about that situation. His ex works, but has no assets, they rented a home and he was breadwinner when there, so I know he doesn't get anything from that.

It's more me protecting my assets as I am not willing to have anything joint or agreed legally until that divorce is done.

Show quote history

I don't know if there are legal implications. My point is, you live with a married man, shouldn't you know if there are any? Like beneficial interest etc?

I give up. You're clearly fine with this. Btw you only know what you've been told about marital assets.

Original poster
awkconversation · 12/12/2022 18:53

Eyerollcentral · 12/12/2022 18:45

@awkconversation why isn’t he divorced yet? You mentioned covid affecting his income so assuming that you have lived together for three years plus. I get sometimes things just sort of happen in an ad hoc way but this is going on years now. If you split and he has been paying half your mortgage for years he may want his money back and depending on who can prove what he may have a beneficial interest in the property, depending on what you have agreed. Time to say new year is coming let’s get everything regularised, ask him when the divorce will be finalised and when you can then talk about your financial position as a couple. He seems to know a lot about what you have been you don’t really know anything about his side of the balance sheet

I don't know why, I have asked about it.

Again I assume it's money, it's expensive to do and he doesn't want to spend the money on it. When I've asked he says he would have to pay it all rather than split 50/50 as I did. And I've kind of left it since, but I've made it clear I won't be sharing anything legally until it's done.

OP posts:
Original poster
awkconversation · 12/12/2022 18:55

@EmmaAgain22

Definitely not fine with it.

I have looked into it and spoke with a solicitor. I am pretty sure he wouldn't have a beneficial interest for a few reasons and proving etc would be difficult (from his side not mine). So I do have some ducks in a row with regards to it.

I am pretty certain re marital assets as I know the ex too, and some mural people. But you are right I don't know 100% but I am as sure as can be there aren't any assets from that side of things.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 12/12/2022 19:00

But @awkconversation you may have sleep walked in to a position where he does have an interest in your house, depending on how long he has been contributing to the mortgage, what the discussions around that were, etc. How long have you been together?
Is there a wider problem with communication? I am really surprised that you haven’t asked again re the divorce. They can handle it themselves for a few hundred pounds especially if there are no assets?
Basically you are subsidising his lifestyle. You need to talk about his frankly.