Awakes money situation how to address

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Wasn't sure whether to post this in Money or Relaitonships but I'll try here first.

Got myself in a bit of an awkward situation and not sure of the best way to tackle it.

DP and I live together. It's my house (I owned it before we met).

As it stands all bills etc are in my name as they already were. We pay costs 50/50 including mortgage even though it's my house (we didn't do this right away) and it's been a choice of theirs. We both have children who live here for at least 50% of the time, so it's a home by all accounts.

However, I work fully time, DP is sept employed. Covid threw up some issues as they couldn't work etc, all fine, is what it is.

However we go through periods some times where they are earning less. This means I am left paying all the bills and asking for their 50% which I hate, some months I don't get the full 50% but it's never really discussed despite me bringing it up, it's left at 'I'll sort it' but then it doesn't happen. I am keeping a note of what I'm owed.

This situation won't always go on for long though, and being in contracts etc for things and things just need paying I don't really know what I can do about it.

DP pays for some other bits through work which are supposed to be a 'bonus' this isn't factored into the 50% and I am grateful for this is but don't want to get into this offsetting the money as the things he gets are more expensive than I'd spend cash if that makes sense. E.g. he gets a gold watch and is normally just buy silver (not the actual things but a comparison) again this has been done on a basis that he wants to. I've always said I'm happy to buy the things myself and he can have all of the stuff through work.

It means some months I'm left paying more than the 50% and i simply don't have the money.

It's all a bit complicated as our finances are pretty separate, he has arrangements with his ex that I don't get involved in and me with mine etc. but that also makes me feel a bit annoyed as for all I know he could be sending money all over the shop and leaving me short and I'd have no idea.

I don't know what the solution is here. I considered setting up a bank acct just for bills and paying in my 50% but I don't really want a joint acct, and if he doesn't have the money to put in, it would go overdrawn and end up affecting my credit which I don't want either! Feel like I'm in a no win situation.

What would you do?

X post can see you have looked in to beneficial interest which is great.
I think you deserve to know when the man who lives with you intends to get divorced though, he is technically still married. I think it’s shocking he won’t give you the respect you deserve as his partner by staying married even if you have no intention of marrying yourselves. How many years has this relationship lasted? Was he employed before covid? Did the job have a good pension and is that why he is stalling?

Open a joint account for bills that has no overdraft facility.

im self-employed and my cash receipts are very ‘lumpy’ so I appreciate where your DP is coming from, but it’s not fair for you to be subbing him long term. A full and frank discussion, with spreadsheets, is required

It’s concerning that they’re not being transparent with you

I agree. I kind of left it with the thing of, the mortgage gets sorted in X amount of time (remortgage) and if you want to sort it all out properly then the divorce needs to happen. But tbh that isn't a million miles off now, and I cannot see it happening.

Its been a while; maybe 6 years but perhaps 4 living together. It wasn't long before covid he officially moved in.

I have no intention of getting married but you are right that isn't the point.

I guess that's why I'm asking now. The current financial situation is kind of pushing it a bit. But I feel like I'm almost at a point where I need to see some changes or we need to seriously think about what's going on here. I'm not comfortable being like a married couple in some respects (footing the bill etc, better and worse and all that) but then not being protected by it in any way. All feels a bit off.

I agree it's not. And I do worry about what's hiding maybe. Hence not wanting to join anything up.

I am fine with lumpy and have always been ok to get bits of money at a time, not consistently, but I cannot continue to not get what needs to be paid and just never hear of it again.

I am pretty relaxed and flexible in terms of money, but it feels a bit like I'm seen as the reliable one and I have to just get on with it. And it doesn't seem fair.

Ultimately, if he can’t afford to pay 50% of everything and you can’t afford to pay more than 50%, you need to ask him to move out and get a lodger who’ll pay the going rate for a room and do so consistently. Live separately so that you can each do as you please with your money and it doesn’t define the relationship.

Yes I think you need to say the best Christmas present you could get is him to file for divorce. Anything less to me says your relationship is convenient for him but does not scream of being in love or committed to you. As you say you are living like a married couple but you have none of the benefits of actually being married.
When you talk about remortgage etc do you mean intention is for him to go on the mortgage with you? I definitely would think very carefully about that. Even if he was divorced I would be more inclined to keep the house in my sole name. Bringing him in where there are children on both sides just seems unnecessarily complex in terms of wills etc

What on earth are you doing OP?

So cavalier with your childrens home.

He's half living off you, pays a bit of rent sometimes, and you want to give him a beneficial interest in your home without marrying him, nor having children with him?

Absolutely unbelievable.

Why on earth would you be so spectacularly silly?

You are being made a mug off and you're being so foolish to jeopardise your childrens home.

Your children and THEIR security should be your only priority not subsidising your boyfriend and his family.

They must be thrilled with you🙄.

I mean it kindly, but wake up and protect yourself and your children.

Good luck.

I couldn't get a lodger as I don't have a spare room. But could afford to pay everything alone if I cut costs which I had done previously and would do again if I was in that situation.

I agree about the committment side.
I think as he has no assets he just doesn't see the need.

Yes I mean for him to go on the mortgage which would have been the sensible thing eventually. But this was prior to all this I thought about that. With these problems now. Not so much.

I would ring fence my equity and share for the kids etc so he would only ever get an amount agreed in line with his contributions. And I don't intend on marrying so that shouldn't change. If a solicitor couldn't get this all legally binding I wouldn't do it.

Defintiely not. This was all thoughts prior to any of these issues. I wouldn't put him on it now given the circumstances. For that exact reason.

Personally unless you are planning to move to a new and bigger property there is no way I would add him to the mortgage. Keep the house in your name only. Then work out the costs of running the household and divide by 2. The mortgage comes out of your half and the remainder towards the rest of the bills that will be paid from his half. Keep it simple and separate if you aren’t going to get married. There is no benefit to you at all to add him to the mortgage.

Marriage isn’t just about assets though and he is still tied to his ex legally. That’s really significant when you are together 6 years. I would also be concerned about what kind of man he was as it just seems very much a Cba attitude. He is too loose with your money and relationship.

"Mate, it's cheaper for me to live alone than with you. Unfortunately, I can't afford our relationship."

If he suddenly finds himself able to pay more then he's been choosing to stint you.

A decent bloke would be embarrassed about being unable to pull his weight. He's a chancer.

Absolutely agree.

There is absolutely no benefit to you adding him to your morgage.

Why would you want the headache of getting him off when you break up?

You are not marrying him.

Stop thinking of this loser who leaves the dirty work of paying for his housing to you.

His priority is his first wife and family.

You are the silly fool who has been a convenient spot for four years.

He can't have an ounce of respect for you, using you like this.

You realise he's taking money from your children by you paying for his children and family.

Please wake up and see what's going on.

Your kindness has you and your home being used by this chancer.

You deserve much better.

Don’t marry him OP. And do not give him an interest in your house!

Just get him to set up a direct debit with a set amount and title the agreement ‘rent and bills’. If it is ‘lumpy’ he will just have to manage. He’ll still be better off than if he was paying actual rent.

Most people with lumpy income keep some savings to pay the bills on months when they earn less.

Whereas he gets you to pay his share on months when he is short and then acts like Santa buying everyone luxuries when he has more.

He is a Disney Dad, wanting you to pay for all the boring things like bills while he buys designer trainers .

You didn’t say how many nights a week his children stay with you at your house.

I was in a similar situation to you 15 yrs ago although I didn’t have children. House was mine nothing in his name. When we split he argued that he had effectively contributed to the mortgage and therefore had an interest in the property. It was a nightmare. My solicitor advised me never to include mortgage costs in splitting bills if I were ever to be in that situation again which effectively means they live there rent free. For your own and children’s sake I think it wise to get absolute clarity on this.

I will definitely double check all this now with a solicitor again.

That's how I see it too at the minute. I have to say it's not always been like that so I think I live in hope it'll resolve itself.

One is 50/50 other a lot younger so about 2 nights. One maintainance would be due the other not, but regardless he pays all for both.

His kid got a £400 party from your joint income, and your kid got a cheap one because you were skint?

You aren't putting your kids best interests first here. If he has built up an interest in your house in the years since Covid you'll have to sell up to get rid of him.

This is the height of foolishness.

Ask him to leave because you and your kids can budget and live better without him and his 'lumpy' payments. Listen closely to what he replies to that. Then you'll know where you stand.

This.

You have effectively put his children ahead of your own.

His family ahead of yours.

I genuinely cannot understand how any woman could do that for any man.

I don't believe you mean to, but that is exactly what you are doing.

Have a good hard honest look at what is really important to you, and ask yourself is that really who you want to be?

A woman who puts her loser, user, boyfriend ahead of her own children.

I think you know and want to do the right thing for your children.

Stop allowing this user loser to take up space in your home.

Essentially yes but not intentionally on my part. At first I didn't know about the cost, once I did it had been paid. I specifically said 'I think that's extortionate, but if it's your money, up to you' but then didn't get the full amount. This is the first time it had happened in a long time, which is why I was pissed off by it.

I mean my DC didn't get a cheap one, and I would never spend £400, my DC got exactly what they wanted and asked for which was fine. If it meant I couldn't have done that, id have been getting that money or he would have been gone. But it's not the point, the point is I couldn't have spent £400 if I wanted to as I didn't have it, and he didn't either, as it was technically subbed by me paying bills that month.

@billy1966 I think you are right and that is why I am here now.

I can't be all one sided in some ways my kids do benefit by this arrangement. When things are more equal, I have more money and time for them. He also does stuff with them and does fund nice things too (see earlier bit about bonus stuff) and other bits at times.

My issue it's not consistent and when it's not I feel in the dark and therefore can't plan properly for my kids either and don't think I can live like that.

As for the interest he would have built up or be entitled to I could pay him off if absolutely necessary as with covid and the recovery it's not really they much.

Think this is why I need to sort it all now, I can't carry on in this half not knowing what's going on arrangement

‘One is 50/50 other a lot younger so about 2 nights. One maintainance would be due the other not, but regardless he pays all for both’ - why? Is one child over 18? Or is one a step child? Either way this man is taking the absolute piss

What things did you buy jointly and what proportion of bills are they? I’d change eg the car payment to come from his account, no services for the house though. You need a good talk!