Tips for dealing with DP’s ADHD and ED

[ComingRoundAgain]

That’s Eating Disorder, not erectile dysfunction.

idk where to start.

His ADHD is unmedicated and it’s exhausting to deal with.

It has also caused an ED and as a result a drinking problem whereby he’s drinking because his body his craving the sugar.

He is incredibly skinny, 6ft and 77kgs. And a very fussy eater. Doesn’t like what I would call ‘real food’. Prefers processed crap.

He wants to put on weight but says he can’t. I really really struggle to empathise with his thought process. I’m like ‘so eat more!!’.

I read that people with ADHD need mega instant reward. So food and meals have to be a big deal, not just to put fuel in your body.

Last night as an example. I cooked a roast dinner. He said it was too early to eat at 6:15pm. So I saved him a plate. At 10:15 I asked him if he’s going to eat. He says he is. But he’s sitting there on his 5th can of beer. He’s not eaten all day. I say to him “are you not worried that you frequently say you don’t have a problem and that you’re going to stop drinking but that it never happens?”. He nods ‘yes’ and starts to tear up. He is worried. And he doesn’t know why he’s not eating (he’s drinking because he’s craving it, because his body is starving). So on my suggestion he throws away the rest of that beer and eats his dinner.

He wants me to tell him when to eat and what to eat. Because if I ask him he’ll put it off. He wants me to control what he’s eating, basically.

But I have two kids and not more for a reason!

I want him to get better. And I want to help. But a large part of me thinks I have my own shit to deal with this is a grown man.

You have enough responsibility with the children. He needs to know how to feed himself. Please don’t think I’m judging, but it sounds as though he might have a drinking issue? If he’s not joining you for a roast you just cooked and opting for beer instead, I think there’s a little more for it than ED. Beer is v calorific. 6:15 is not too late to eat a roast dinner. 10pm is.

OP, he needs to do some talking therapies and work out strategies with the therapist. Then you can get on board to support those strategies. It’s not up to you to make these happen. He’s an adult. If he isn’t committed, it won’t work. So it has to start with him recognising need and wanting to change.

In the meantime, keep making and offering healthy meals, don’t join him drinking and don’t buy beer for him. Good luck

Yes, I’d say he has a problem. He’s putting away 3/4/5 cans of beer a night - most nights - which must be his weekly recommended alcohol intake every day. And that’s after him telling me he doesn’t have a problem but he’s going to stop midweek (midweek apparently being 3 nights).

Shortly after we moved in together I found him hiding empty cans of beer.

He buys his own beer. Must be blowing a fiver a day.

He maintains the drinking is linked to his food issues. He’s avoiding eating (for reasons I don’t understand) so drinks the beer because he’s craving it. But I think it has turned in to its own problem. He doesn’t.

I can barely get him to organise a Dr appointment to get an adhd referral (was medicated as a teen). There’s no way he’ll get round to bothering to get help. Where would he even start for that? Asking GP?

Yes, he needs to go to the GP and tell them everything.

Seems like he has a severe drinking problem.
Look up Alcoholic ketoacidosis.

I mean, he’s not drinking before tea time, and he’s not hitting the spirits. But yeah, as someone who early drinks this seems like a problem to me.

This could explain why he’s trying to put on weight but the eating isn’t helping…???

What is alcoholic ketoacidosis?

Cells need glucose (sugar) and insulin to function properly. Glucose comes from the food you eat, and insulin is produced by the pancreas. When you drink alcohol, your pancreas may stop producing insulin for a short time. Without insulin, your cells won’t be able to use the glucose you consume for energy. To get the energy you need, your body will start to burn fat.

Imo he cooks for himself.
You don't mention food at all. He isn't a child and you aren't his dm /carer /therapist.

Ime he shapes up or ships out.
My exh and depression.. Used it as a stick to beat me with.

I hope this man isn't around your DC at all.

You have two DC and I would imagine enough on your plate raising them. It's not your job to sort out this man's issues for him. How long have you been together?

He also sounds like an alcoholic.

@Sprouttreesareamazing Yeah, my ex husband also used his depression as an excuse for every kind of shitty behaviour.

Life is too short to be tying yourself up in knots helping men who won't help themselves.

So he's a quasi alcoholic who isn't able to sexually function and wants you to be his mother ? There are DCs in the mix - presumably not his - witnessing this behaviour.

It's fairly obvious what the right course of action here is surely?

This is what I know and need to repeat to myself.

Ive been rescuing him since the beginning! When he didn’t know how to get out of an abusive controlling relationship and had zero adult life skills.

4.5yrs down the line I’m not too sure how much is in it for me.

He is fine around my children. He obvs has a problem but he is not getting drunk. My kids adore his kids and they are all happy and settled. And I do need to be able to afford to heat them and feed them!

@rookiemere you’ve misread and jumping to conclusions. He most certainly does not have any sexual dysfunction. There is no ‘behaviour’ for children to witness other than an adult not eating very well. Not ideal, but not cause for immediate alarm and rashness.

As for the mothering. He’s not well. He knows he’s not well. And he’s asking me to help him. He also knows it’s a lot of ask and it’s quite possibly too much.

I’m assuming this man is not the father to your DC?
He is an alcoholic. He may also have ADHD, but the two illnesses don’t go hand in hand.
He is an adult who needs to take responsibility for his illnesses, but as we all know, people suffering from alcoholism rarely can make responsible choices. He’s not drinking because he has an eating disorder, he’s not eating because he is addicted to alcohol.
You need to stop trying to make him better, he needs professional support, but before that, he needs to acknowledge his dependency on alcohol. Until that happens nothing will change.
please put yourself and your children first x

The children are seeing a man who doesn’t eat because he prefers to drink. That’s the example he’s setting them. Please don’t minimise the impact this will have on them.

Why is he unmedicated?

This is a huge part of the problem.

Apologies you did point out that the ED was eating disorder , but I do still think he needs to sort himself out. Help is fine, but looks like you're the only one out of the two of you trying to sort this out.

I’m not. We’ve been here a year and my children have experienced a lot of upheaval. And I literally don’t know if I can afford to keep a roof over their heads if we move out. I just have more than one problem with this to figure out.

You've been rescuing this man since the beginning. This is the dynamic of your relationship and after 4.5 years it is not going to change.

Why do you feel like it is your responsibility to care for a grown man? What value does he actually add to your life? Your kids adoring him is not enough. They WILL see his dysfunctional personality and alcoholism sooner or later.

He needs to go.

So are you living in his house?

I'm in a very neurodiverse household. I look after my own quirks, my husband looks after his own quirks (or actually he doesn't at all!) and we support the kids with theirs.

I have some problems with food and I would never expect another adult to facilitate my eating, or research solutions etc.

I did go through a spell years ago of trying to help my partner sort their diet shit, but it was exhausting and he never followed through, so now I leave him to it.

Your partner is man adult, this is not your problem or your job to help him.

I have no idea.

After lots of nagging he asked for a referral. But that was at least a year ago and has heard nothing. His GP surgery is useless. It takes literally hours to get to them on the phone. He doesn’t remember to call them (ironic) and when he does he doesn’t have all day to spend trying to get through.

There are other GP surgeries which he could move to who aren’t useless. He just doesn’t. It’s all too overwhelming for him.

Our house

Apologies you did point out that the ED was eating disorder

@rookiemere To be fair, she did.

@ComingRoundAgain As a PP said, alcoholics eventually lose their appetite for food so that either is the cause of his ED or definitely isn't helping.

He’s not well. He knows he’s not well. And he’s asking me to help him.

So you say 'I can't help you, you need professional help.'

But I don't think you should remain in a relationship with him anyway. He's not offering you much in the way of an equal, adult relationship and your children will be seeing how he eats and drinks, which could easily have an impact on their own habits in later life.

@mollyblack are those problems because of your neurodiversity?

I was hoping for ADHD partner tips but I guess really this is too much for one partner to deal with and isn’t my responsibility

Yes, thank you @OldFan, you’re right

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. They are not seeing you make good choices here. This man is a poor choice; you need a partner not a project. In addition he is also making poor choices. What are these children learning about relationships from you two here?. A shedload of damaging lessons that is what.

What made you into a rescuer?. My guess is your own family of origin adopted an "I cannot" attitude and from that you've adopted an "I can" attitude. Did you have to prop up an alcoholic or depressed parent too?. Or was the decision making left to you by a parent at a young age?.

Rescuers like you take a self-esteem hit when they haven’t saved someone for a while. One of the ways that many rescuers tend to avoid this low is to enter committed relationships with those who constantly need rescuing. They enter relationships with addicts, alcoholics, those with eating disorders, those with mental health conditions, and so on. They become the primary enable for their partner. This is now your primary role and you're also doing this re him in order to be needed.

As with most things increasing your self-awareness is the key to change. Understand that acceptance is healthier than judgement, and learn to take pleasure in watching others succeed in their own right. Understand that manipulating others when they try to exert their independence is likely to drive a bigger wedge between you then their independence in the first place.

Begin to develop your sense of self, separate from your role as the rescuer and saviour of others. Who are you when others aren’t around? Who are you when you are not rescuing others? How can you support others without encouraging dependence?.

You're also playing out the usual roles associated here with these types of partner; those of codependent, enabler and provoker (because you never forget).
He may well have taken medication in his teens for ADHD but you're only going by what he has told you after all. He is certainly self medicating with alcohol and he is treating you like the village idiot. He has no respect for you, let alone his own self, whatsoever.

If its a joint house then why assume you would be the one to move out? Do you rent or own?