Tips for dealing with DP’s ADHD and ED

[ComingRoundAgain]

That’s Eating Disorder, not erectile dysfunction.

idk where to start.

His ADHD is unmedicated and it’s exhausting to deal with.

It has also caused an ED and as a result a drinking problem whereby he’s drinking because his body his craving the sugar.

He is incredibly skinny, 6ft and 77kgs. And a very fussy eater. Doesn’t like what I would call ‘real food’. Prefers processed crap.

He wants to put on weight but says he can’t. I really really struggle to empathise with his thought process. I’m like ‘so eat more!!’.

I read that people with ADHD need mega instant reward. So food and meals have to be a big deal, not just to put fuel in your body.

Last night as an example. I cooked a roast dinner. He said it was too early to eat at 6:15pm. So I saved him a plate. At 10:15 I asked him if he’s going to eat. He says he is. But he’s sitting there on his 5th can of beer. He’s not eaten all day. I say to him “are you not worried that you frequently say you don’t have a problem and that you’re going to stop drinking but that it never happens?”. He nods ‘yes’ and starts to tear up. He is worried. And he doesn’t know why he’s not eating (he’s drinking because he’s craving it, because his body is starving). So on my suggestion he throws away the rest of that beer and eats his dinner.

He wants me to tell him when to eat and what to eat. Because if I ask him he’ll put it off. He wants me to control what he’s eating, basically.

But I have two kids and not more for a reason!

I want him to get better. And I want to help. But a large part of me thinks I have my own shit to deal with this is a grown man.

Brilliant post @AttilaTheMeerkat

@ChrisTrepidation we own and he has his own kids. He has already said he won’t move out,

Agree with everything Attila says.

I am on loads of ADHD partner forums, everyone experiences the same. The person needs help, those around them try to help, have messy boundaries, end up enabling and there are no positive outcomes for either party.

And yes it is possible to be neurodivergent and manage lots of "normal" things but it takes a lot more effort and you really have to want to do it. You can't make someone else do it, it's not your job.

He might want help but he needs to get that help himself and follow through on whatever advice/meds/personal development is required.

Could he even afford a mortgage on his own? Does he work?

I would seek legal advice regarding the house. The fact that he would expect you and your children to leave after all the shit he's put you though would end my last bit of sympathy for this man.

Hi, I have adhd.

ADHD means it's more likely you'll engage in risky or addictive behaviours. This includes using alcohol as a crutch. Most of my adhd peers, like myself, were drawn to experimentation with stimulant narcotics. I know several who are ex addicts, or alcoholics.

It could be that his executive dysfunction is really bad when it comes to eating. Mine is. I've really gone downhill since the pandemic hit. It's just one more thing I have to sort, with all the stages and things to remember. I have coping strategies for this, but sometimes there's too much happening around me for me to cope with having to focus and think. My head is so crowded.

I end up depending on meal replacement shakes, and I guess your partner is doing the same with the beer.

I've really wrecked my body and was diagnosed with diabetes a few months ago. He can get help but has to nag the GP. It could help if you write them a letter and hand it to the reception to pass to the doctor a week or two before he gets an appointment, so everything gets covered.

It shouldn't be on you to do anything, but my own partner is waiting for an adhd assessment and if I hadn't nagged and pushed and given an ultimatum, he wouldn't have done anything about it. In our case, the issues are his engaging with anything or anyone at home other than his xbox, and his being unable to have a physical relationship because the executive function needed to manage everything when we moved in together, left him entirely. He was completely catered for and cleaned up after prior to living with us, it wasn't clear how much his family did before. He knows he's dumped if he doesn't sort it all out.

@AttilaTheMeerkat i can’t process all that info right now.

But…

A) I come from a long line of ‘can do’ers and was responsible for no one as a child

B) I didn’t know he had these issues before we moved in together. Yes that makes me the idiot. We moved in and within weeks I discovered the severity of his ADHD ‘traits’ (idk what you’d call it) and his eating and drinking issues. I thought we’d be having dinners altogether every night, taking it in turn to cook.

C) I have zero desire to be someone else’s frigging prop. His general lack of forethought / common sense / lack of executive function literally brings me to tears with frustration. I am not going dealing with grown adults who can’t sort shit out.

D) at no point have I ever manipulated anyone into dependence. Even down to my DCs who I take a lot of pride in how I’ve brought them up to be independent and self-sufficient.

I guess the reasons I’m still here are -

A) I don’t think I can afford to not be here.

B) My children are happy. They already experienced one broken family unit - do I really want to do that again to them?

C) He is basically a nice man, loyal and caring and loving.

@dollyblack I genuinely believe some people are just arseholes and they use their MH issues/neurodiversity as a get out of jail free card.

My best friend has bipolar and ADHD and is the kindest, most compassionate person ypu could ever meet. She's the first person to say loads of people use it as an excuse for terrible behaviour!

Op please dont be misled, he isn’t drinking because his cells are craving sugar. If that was the case he’d have a can or coke or an orange juice.

The problems are separate.

He has ADHD.

He has an eating issue which may or may not be part of the ADHD (usually we hear of compulsive, high reward type eating with ADHD).
He has a drinking problem. The drinking problem may be partly perpetuated by the ADHD (I suspect it’s easier to get sucked into addictive behaviours), but it isn’t caused by nor a symptom of ADHD. I don’t think it’s helpful to you or to him to blame a drinking problem on ADHD, there’s a subtle implication then that it’s outside his control, which it isn’t.

You've been a mummy to your DP for 4.5 years - he will love this as he isn't expected to take any responsibility for his behaviour and when things are wrong he can blame you. You cannot change other people - he is an adult and needs to be responsible for himself. However, it doesn't sound like he has the capacity or motivation for change. Make your plans to leave, get some advice about the house. I also can't imagine that living in a house with an alcoholic with an eating disorder has had no impact on DC.

@ComingRoundAgain But you said earlier that you had to 'rescue' him from his last relationship and teach him to be an adult?

I'm truly not having a go but which one is it? Because your response to @AttilaTheMeerkat suggests you have no time for such people and didn't know he was like that before you moved in together.

Does he definitely have an ADHD diagnosis, not self diagnosis?

regarding the alcoholism …… I’m afraid you need to be tough with him. I’m 10yrs sober this year so I have a bit of experience to drawn on, up you’d be surprised how many of my problems (mental and physical) disappeared once I stopped drinking.

If he is happy living with an untreated illness and addiction then I’m sure you know that this is only going one way. As addicts we choose our rock bottom, this can be his now or it can be after he ruins your life.

Thank you @dollyblack and @TheArtfulStodger, that’s very helpful.

Executive functioning is it. It’s not that he enjoys wanting me to mother him. It’s incredibly demeaning for him. For a year now our shopping and cooking has been separate. But he knows he needs to put on weight and he also knows he can’t manage the planning / shopping / cooking inbetween working and kids in order to eat well. I have excellent executive functioning and manage that shit with my hands tied behind my back. So if we want to be partners, I see me taking control of his eating as a way of us working within our own skill sets.

But I know this has been going on long enough. He needs to get help himself. It’s just very sad because I know he won’t.

@ChrisTrepidation his previous relationship situ was me going in to full on ‘can do’ mode. Like, I’m a sorter rather than a rescuer. I saw someone being swindled and controlled and abused and I told him the truth. I didn’t literally do anything. We were friends at this point rather than partners.

I knew he had ADHD. I know (from his mum) he was medicated as a teen. I know he stopped being medicated when his mum stopped parenting him, basically.

I was ignorant and didn’t realise how significant it was. I was also head of heels in love. That’s basically disappeared over the last year.

Your can do attitude here re this man is costing you, and in turn your kids, dearly.

Your overt need to be needed and from that the rescuing is tied up in your self esteem and self worth. Your rescuer tendencies need to be addressed in therapy; it will have to be faced by you and properly because you will keep on looking for such men to rescue and or save. Being a rescuer or saviour in a relationship never works out.

He put on a charming act for you (it was an act he could never hope to at all maintain) and hid an awful lot. You clearly did not know him as well as you thought you did.

It is also better to be from a so called "broken home" than to remain in one. These children are seeing yet more crap in this home now and this will affect all of them in many different ways. Your kids do not want to see you as their mother being upset and want to see you happy so they do not complain readily if at all. You've also been through an awful lot as have they.

Financial concerns and these children all liking each other are really no basis whatsoever to remain with him. He will merely continue to drag you and in turn them down with him. How do you see this situation panning out, these types of relationships go one way i.e even more downhill.

Do you still he is a nice caring man? This is a man who does not eat very much, drinks like a fish and is not bothered to contact a GP, let alone change surgeries if the current one is not up to scratch. He wants you to do it all for him also because he cannot be asked. Your words re him belie that nice caring man image you want of him in your head. That is what you like to think you have but the reality of your situation is otherwise.

I agree with this, and I am autistic and have ADHD. The only difference is I want to do my best and work hard and a lot of stuff, also there is no one to pick up the slack!

My executive function is CRAP and EXHAUSTING but you find strategies if you want/need to, you find ways to stay healthy and not lean heavily on those around you. Alarms on phone (constantly), researching easy meals- ready meals and protein shakes are FINE, planning so your energy doesn't get fucked (not over committing), calendar reminders x10000, bring drunk/hungover sabotages a lot of this though.

Again I would advise you to seek legal advice regarding the house.

It won't get better op. Yes your children may be happy now but how long will that last? How long before his health declines even further and he fails to hide his alcoholism from them as well as he is now? They are probably already more aware of the situation than you realise.

I know you don't want another 'broken' home but better a broken home than a dysfunctional one. They will learn that it is normal for women to be resentful of their partners and that it is normal for woman to look after men.

You and your children deserve better than this man. You really do. It's a year in and you're already seething with resentment. Imagine how you will feel in another years time.

It sounds like you're at the end of your tether. Maybe it's time to tell him that he needs to look into medication to help him because neither of you can cope with how severe his ADHD is. I would say you're happy to call the doctors and go with him to the appointment as it sounds like his executive function skills are very low but he needs to get help. He might not want to leave the house but he'll have to if you split and it gets sold.

In the meantime can you agree a time to eat everyday that works for you both/all of you and then all eat at that time together? It sounds like having a solid routine like that might be really helpful to him but I don't know if it's possible.

If you're cooking give him a warning at some point that dinner will be ready in 20 minutes and then 5 minutes so he can finish what he is doing and mentally prepare (sounds slightly ridiculous but is really helpful if you're ND). He probably needs that routine and it seems like babying him but it's just enabling him to function with ADHD. If you're married to someone ND and you want it to work well you're probably going to have make some arrangements to facilitate that, just as they might have reasonable adjustments put in place at work for them.

You can't be expected to do it all though. Does he cook at all? If not I think he needs a basic cookbook and to spend some time in the kitchen on the weekends.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink so if he won't do his bit then you are going to have to consider your options.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Ty for your input, but you’re way off on the whole ‘rescuer’ theory. I have never rescued anyone and am incredibly resentful of the fact that basically, to get him out of an abusive relationship and his kids out of an inter-generational cycle of poverty, low aspiration and career benefit fraud, I’ve basically offered myself up as a sacrificial lamb. I don’t know why I ended up doing that. It was a blip rather than an inherent calling. I was going through some extremely traumatic personal issues as the time. At best guess this was a distraction for me. But I am not a rescuer per se. In the same way I’m not a drug addict after snorting a line of coke 20 yrs ago.

@ChrisTrepidation I’ll go and see Citizen's advice. I lost all of my divorce money because I didn’t have a job so couldn’t buy a house, but had money so couldn’t get benefits. I don’t want to the same to happen again with the money I have in this house! You’re right, a year is long enough.

I don’t want this to not work. Is an ultimatum reasonable? Like, ‘it’s Xmas in two weeks. Stop drinking, change drs and get an appt before the end of the year.’ Thoughts? Am I clutching at straws?

This sounds exhausting, I feel for you entirely. I am not the person who can mother a grown man either, I find it an absolute turn off, so I hear your frustration on that score.

It's not your responsibility to sort him out. It is not. All you can do is state really clearly, as I am sure that you have done repeatedly, that in order to continue to remain in this relationship, these are your boundaries, and this is what you need to happen.

No more nagging, or asking, or cajoling or dancing. They "why" or the reason he isn't pulling himself together is not yours to fathom.

You are not his rehab.

Find out some facts, practially what would happen if you were to seperate having realised that things were not going to change and you were unwilling to spend the rest of your life on this project.

Investigate how could you possibly make it work financially, so there's a light at the end of the tunnel should you choose to take that option. Wishing you well.

How about adding go on the waiting list to get represcribed adhd medication?

I would say you are clutching at straws, yes. If you issue an ultimatum you have to be fully prepared to follow through on it. If you are not prepared to carry out your threat then do not issue it. Such things can only be issued really one time. Repeated ultimatums lose all their power.

I would also suggest you obtain legal advice from a Solicitor rather than just CA. They are indeed helpful but may well have to direct you elsewhere here.

Its already not working so why are you wanting this to work so badly?. Telling someone to stop drinking is pointless; its hard enough to change one of your own behaviours. Asking someone else to change theirs is a step too far. It takes two to make a relationship work and he is happy to let you carry on like you have and otherwise enable him.

Please make sure both you and your DP see ADHD as a factor and not an excuse. My partner has Adhd too and is absolutely useless at some things. I set clear boundaries and its then up to him to plan and structure so he can do what is needed. He is motivated to do it because of our children. I provide support e.g. put reminders in his calendar, book appointments, pay bills, but he has to take responsibility for certain things and if he doesn't then he suffers the consequences.

Your partner sounds depressed and/or suffering addiction issues as well. Adhd can make people more prone to these issues but they are a comorbidity not caused by the adhd alone. You need a frank discussion about your future together and if your DP isn't willing to get help I can't see this ending well. Sorry its so tough for you.

I have adhd and binge eating disorder. People with adhd are much more likely to have it due to many factors.

What he needs is professional help. The probelm is there is no help straight away. I have been on the waiting list for 2 years for binge eating alone. Another year awaiting adhd help.

If you can afford to go private then I would asap.

Look up attitude mag online. It will help you as well as your partner. Good luck!

Oh God, this is so over whelming. We have had so many discussions. Usually ending in how awful I am.

I had the foresight to ensure we have a deed of trust in the house and we are tenants in common, not joint owners. I know exactly what is mine if we sell.

Op I've just seen you've written two separate posts about your partner. With two very different posts one about eating and the other about notes on phone and hating him.

I really think you need to move on. You're not helping him and you're not helping yourself staying in this relationship.Try your best to get the financial stuff sorted asap. New job, citizens advice, see what you're entitled to if you don't work?

This sounds miserable and half of the other stuff about the elf and the tree is nothing to do with adhd sometimes people are just arseholes and that is very separate to being neurodiverse.

Do yourself a favour and start a new life starting today.