Tips for dealing with DP’s ADHD and ED

[ComingRoundAgain]

That’s Eating Disorder, not erectile dysfunction.

idk where to start.

His ADHD is unmedicated and it’s exhausting to deal with.

It has also caused an ED and as a result a drinking problem whereby he’s drinking because his body his craving the sugar.

He is incredibly skinny, 6ft and 77kgs. And a very fussy eater. Doesn’t like what I would call ‘real food’. Prefers processed crap.

He wants to put on weight but says he can’t. I really really struggle to empathise with his thought process. I’m like ‘so eat more!!’.

I read that people with ADHD need mega instant reward. So food and meals have to be a big deal, not just to put fuel in your body.

Last night as an example. I cooked a roast dinner. He said it was too early to eat at 6:15pm. So I saved him a plate. At 10:15 I asked him if he’s going to eat. He says he is. But he’s sitting there on his 5th can of beer. He’s not eaten all day. I say to him “are you not worried that you frequently say you don’t have a problem and that you’re going to stop drinking but that it never happens?”. He nods ‘yes’ and starts to tear up. He is worried. And he doesn’t know why he’s not eating (he’s drinking because he’s craving it, because his body is starving). So on my suggestion he throws away the rest of that beer and eats his dinner.

He wants me to tell him when to eat and what to eat. Because if I ask him he’ll put it off. He wants me to control what he’s eating, basically.

But I have two kids and not more for a reason!

I want him to get better. And I want to help. But a large part of me thinks I have my own shit to deal with this is a grown man.

Is he currently working?

I didn't understand your housing situation. Did you buy a house with him?

I would guess he is drinking instead of or before eating because drinking on an empty stomach makes the alcohol more potent.

We have had so many discussions. Usually ending in how awful I am.

It sounds like he's got you mixed up with mummy, which is going to be hard to come back from as a dynamic. I'd be very tempted to let him ponder on how awful you are from behind a seperate front door.

No matter what the contributing factors, be it ADHD, poor mental health, or just generally not being able to function in this relationship, if the end result is making you feel overwhelmed and miserable, and all of your efforts have resulted in no change, then you have a decision to make.

Yes you can make appointments, but short of becoming his full time carer, putting him in the car to make sure he attends, handing him his medication with a glass of water daily to ensure he takes it, etc etc, it doesn't sound like "a bit of help" is going to get you the outcome you want, and you don't want to micromanage this man all in order to remain under the same roof.

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't, and you can't will a relationship into health, unfortunately, yes there are times when one will pull more weight than the other but overall he's going to have to meet you in the middle.

@Opaljewel ty. Have a lovely reasonably ok paid job. Work as many hrs as I can manage. Cld prob add another ten.

Know what uni credit wld be. Wld need a rental or shared ownership. Prob a two bed.

If he were unable to walk, the best support for him would be to get the best wheelchair he could have do that he could be able to get around independently. The worst would be to sit him in a chair and do all the fetching and carrying for him. In other words, take away his independence.
you are, in effect, leaving him sat in that chair whilst removing any of his independence.

He's drinking because he's an addict. An alcoholic. He's not eating because he'd rather drink.

Choosing to drink rather than eat is associated with the worst outcomes for alcoholics.

End it and escape before he drags you down any further.

6ft and 77kg is a perfectly healthy weight, not skinny at all. That doesn't mean he doesn't have an ED of course.

A lot of people with ADHD self medicate with alcohol but of course it actually makes their executive functioning worse the next day/that week/month. I definitely find myself leaving washing up far longer if I've had more to drink one week than I would in another.

But he knows he needs to put on weight and he also knows he can’t manage the planning / shopping / cooking inbetween working and kids in order to eat well.

He could get Fortisips, that's an extra 600 calories or something if he just has 2 of the tiny bottles. (This would be something he could also get on prescription, which'd be cheaper.) Zero work. Or a protein shake from powder and also put some fat in it. There are a load of easy things he could have. My friend has to try and keep weight on due to organ failure and I get him a lot of treats and cakes too.

I know he stopped being medicated when his mum stopped parenting him, basically.

It sounds like he enjoys having a woman 'parenting' him. He's gone from his mum doing it, to now you. It's pathetic that he won't take responsibility for his own life and health. As someone with bipolar and stuff, I would find it a real turn off if someone didn't try and help themselves.

You are also kind of enabling him TBH. If you didn't do this stuff for him he wouldn't die- he'd probably have to get a grip (and he can to some extent get a grip. OK he mightn't have immaculate housekeeping standards but he could eat more and cut down on the alcohol. But seeing a doctor would hopefully help him get on top of things of course.)

I would just stop doing any major extra things OP. OK you might find organizing easy, but it's the principle of the thing. He needs to take responsibility for himself. If he can't then he's not ready to be in an equal relationship with anyone.

It’s not that he enjoys wanting me to mother him. It’s incredibly demeaning for him

If it was then he wouldn't be letting it happen. Presumably he's lived alone at times and didn't die. Or somehow managed not to die before you came along.

6ft and 77kg is a perfectly healthy weight, not skinny at all. That doesn't mean he doesn't have an ED of course.

This is a good point @ComingRoundAgain . I think he's deliberately making himself seem more pathetic and helpless and dangerously ill than he really is to you, to make you worry about him and do the stuff. A doctor wouldn't even consider his weight to need any intervention. They would want him to eat some food to avoid stomach issues due to the alcohol, though.

It’s possible he’s lying about his weight. I don’t watch him on the scales. He looks ill. Sunken cheeks. Concave lower torso. Always cold. Always ill. If I’ve ever showed a photo of him to anyone (when we were first dating) they’d look shocked and come out with “Oh, he’s skinny”.

He has looked after himself and his DCs since before me. Both when he was with his ex - he ran the house and was kids main carer - and then after he left.

But it’s a relative version of ‘looked after’.

I think one of the issues is, he was happy in his ignorance pre living with me. He didn’t know he was making a mess of his life admin, he didn’t know he wasn’t eating properly, he didn’t realise all his money was going on cans of lager etc etc. He just had a simple life, dealing with stuff day by day and was happy with that.

Us all moving in together sent him over the edge of managing I think. He battled with his feeling of losing control. And the changes in routine etc. We’ve been working hard to make it work and little baby steps have been made.

But it’s just been too much to survive I think.

People on my earlier thread are accusing me of using him for money. It works both ways. We do both care for each other and we would both rather it worked than didn’t. But we both also understand the practicalities of living as a couple / family than two single parents. I don’t get who these people are who have the resources to just up and leave somewhere and move in to somewhere else 🤷🏻‍♀️ as is being suggested by some.

When I first met him he thought he was fat (looked skinnier than he does now) and would not eat for days on end. Now if he eats a more than one meal in a day it’s a big step for him. He doesn’t like company when he eats. He will sit and pretend to eat with everyone as a family but actually push five bits of pasta around his plate. Then when everyone is in bed he’ll eat some packed fridge pies and a giant bag of crisps. And that’ll be his lot for the day.

@emptythelitterbox yes we both work - he has a good, professional job. Yes we bought together.

He didn’t run the house with his ex. He gave her all his money, and more. She made sure everything was in her name and everything went through her. He looked after the kids and did the housework. But he left with zero adulting skills. He was still a child when their first baby was born. His mum didn’t teach him anything and he never needed to learn until he left his ex.

So maybe he has different standards to you with whatever tasks you think should be done, but he's still got by. You should see my place, and probably my diet half the time. But I haven't died yet.

I really think you need to try and chill out a bit about him OP. His health is his business really and there's not much you can do about it. You can't make him cut down alcohol etc. Try and detatch and give less of a shit. x

Maybe go to Al-anon.

It'd probably help him too if you tried to be less bothered, he maybe feels pressured/inferior by your higher standards of household admin etc.

I'm not saying how he's acting is ok at all. But you'd maybe do better if you tried to detach from it. Or find yourself a boyfriend who doesn't need 'mothering'/a nurse.

I don’t get who these people are who have the resources to just up and leave somewhere and move in to somewhere else 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nobody with kids just ups and leaves. It's not how it works. I have yet to meet a woman with children who has just upped and left, it's usually the end of a long and very frustrating, scary and painful road. It's not the easy option.

Even if you've technically as a couple got the resources to run two houses, it will be earmarked while you're together for other things. It doesn't just happen, without a lot of compromise, planning and work. The emotional and mental side of splitting a family is no easier than the financial side.

However when the alternative to leaving is staying, and that becomes untenable there is no amount of "practicality" that will make it seem like a better option. So you find a way to leave, often involving a fairly significant drop in living standards, free time and disposable income. We all have our limits, you'll know when you've reached yours.