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Original poster

I could use some help (about dating) and getting to know the guy before sex.

56 replies

AmITooTired · 12/12/2022 08:02

Sorry about the akward title.

I search other threads about this but they weren’t very helpful.

So my problem, I don’t personally like hook-up’s on no strings attached kind of things.
I want to know, trust and like the person before anything physical.

As you can guess, that is a tall order these days.

Now the other threads I looked about waiting were older post that were mostly just saying women can have sex on a first day etc, but since these days the pendulum has swung to the opposite direction and now there is a huge pressure to have sex as soon as possible, how does one navigate this?

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 12/12/2022 08:20

You talk to the person you're dating and tell them this, so they know where you stand? I'm sure you'll be able to find someone who thinks the same way as you do!

Dippydonky · 12/12/2022 08:24

By not having sex until you are fully comfortable having sex?

Not everyone expects sex on a first date, and anyone who doesn’t respect your perspective probably isn’t ‘right’ for you anyway.

Just go into all interactions as you, your true self. If you’re doing online dating make it clear you’re looking for a relationship, not a fling etc. maybe pick the platforms you use to meet people based on what you’re looking for .. maybe even focus on groups like those on ‘meet-up’ rather than typical dating sites (as the focus isn’t sex, it’s meeting people).

lol, ironically when I broke up from my ex (long term relationship) I didn’t want an emotional connection, I wanted no strings ‘fun’…… and I really struggled! Even picked a known ‘bad boy’ with a reputation and he didn’t get it!! … that was a while ago though.

Summerhillsquare · 12/12/2022 08:28

You just have to be yourself. If you're not it'll catch you out down the line anyway. And not just regarding sex.

selfishactualization · 12/12/2022 23:40

Just go with what you want to do. Nobody is making you have sex, focus on enjoyment and communication and if that results at a point in time that suits you in an opportunity to get some then crack on.

There isn't a number of dates or a formula to this. If he likes you and you like him and you want to then do it. If you don't, well don't.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 12/12/2022 23:45

It totally depends on who you both are, what stage of life/singledom you’re at, how you meet etc There’s no rules here one way or the other. If someone is the right man for you, he’ll be happy to take things at your pace. If he gets impatient or pushy he can fuck off and have sex with someone else while you continue to meet other men until you find one on the same wavelength. You’re not going to miss out on The One by making him wait because a) there’s no such thing as The One and b) if he won’t wait he’s not for you anyway.

Monty27 · 12/12/2022 23:58

Everyone waits until their comfortable. No problems taking your time and if they care they'll wait. It'll work or not. There's no harm in following your own feelings.

Monty27 · 13/12/2022 00:01
  • by wait I mean still hang out with you and do nice things and enjoy your company Also no harm in jumping on someone if that's what suits anyone.
SpinningFloppa · 13/12/2022 00:06

I get it op, I have been celibate for 6 years (since breaking up with my childrens father) so I am absolutely not ready to rush into anything physical straight away but I do notice a bit of a trend on MN of posters advising women to sleep with men as quickly as possible so also think the same that it’s almost expected to sleep with a guy straight away these days

underthemike · 13/12/2022 00:28

I'm not into hook-ups and ONS, I just can't do it, my body freezes if I'm in that situation.
I have to fancy someone and trust and respect them.
I do occasionally OLD, it's very possible to keep the standards you want. I wouldn't say it makes dating any harder, in fact I think it makes it easier, you can rule out most of the men on there which saves a lot of time!

EmmaAgain22 · 13/12/2022 00:32

On the Tube, there's a dating site ad that talks about explaining you are demi sexual.

apparently that's what people call it now. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Liveafr · 13/12/2022 01:26

Just tell the guys you meet that you want to get to know each other better before taking it to the next level.

Original poster
AmITooTired · 13/12/2022 07:36

EmmaAgain22 · 13/12/2022 00:32

On the Tube, there's a dating site ad that talks about explaining you are demi sexual.

apparently that's what people call it now. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Is it really so unusual these days to want to get to know each other first, that it needs a name for it?

OP posts:
Original poster
AmITooTired · 13/12/2022 07:38

Oh, and also, thank you for all the comments.

I’ve struggled woth this for some time niw, feels like my boundaries are always pushed and even my friend said that I’m a prude.

OP posts:
category12 · 13/12/2022 07:53

I think you have a friend problem. She sounds unpleasant.

Just have sex when you're ready and only if you really want to.

Any blokes that don't hang around and don't want to get to know you, are natural wastage and it's all to the good, let them go unmourned. It's a filter to get rid. Dick is plentiful. 😀

heartbroken40 · 13/12/2022 08:08

@AmITooTired I dated until I met someone. I never felt pressurised to have sex and I actually didn't have sex with anyone until I found my partner. It's not that unusual to wait for the right man.
Your actions will follow once your mind is set on something - you've decided no sex before love, everything else will follow. Either I've only met respectful men (unlikely) or my resolve was so strong that they know I wouldn't be messed around.

And I met some terrific men - feelings didn't develop but they were so nice and really into dating with the purpose of finding a life partner (I'm older though, not looking for a family). I wish you the absolute best of luck

Mercurian · 13/12/2022 08:26

I think the likelihood that he will be ok with waiting until sex are higher if he is religious or is known to you in your social or work circle. If the guy is off Tinder or OLD in general (unless it's a religious/marriage website) there is a higher chance he is after casual sex and /or will not understand the need to wait.
Bear in mind that guys could just as well ghost after sex. You might not like sex with each other and it ends or gets so awkward afterwards.
I think I would be really honest with myself why I want to wait for sex is it body insecurity? sexual trauma? religious beliefs? cultural?...??? And then assess where you might meet a man who will be sensitive and understanding of your reasons and what type of guy you envisage would wait. Would you expect him to not be having sex with anyone else while you date? How far would you go, are you ok with kissing and cuddling? You have to understand yourself first and then think about who would be the best match for you and find him in his likely environment... because Tinder ain't it!

Original poster
AmITooTired · 13/12/2022 08:52

Yeah, I’m not religious so that’s a hard no.
Marriage isin’ something that I’m in a hurry at all.

I just want a life partner, to build a life together.

No traumas or religion or anything.
It just takes me time to be comfortable with people.
And pp said it well: I need to trust and respect them first.

About them having sex with others in the meanwhile: I’d say with this kind of thinking/living, we wouldn’t be compatible with values, so it would be nest to go our different ways.

OP posts:
category12 · 13/12/2022 09:15

Don't be afraid to thin the herd or shrink your dating pool - you don't actually want the guys who expect to be shagging early on, who will pressure you for it, or who lose interest if you don't.

I don't think this idea you should shag early is great for women, because something like 80% of us can't get off with PIV, and STDs and risk of pregnancy is a far greater concern for women. I feel like it's to men's benefit more.

I don't have any moral objections to sex early on, just not sure that this means lots of women are having great sex.

My feeling is, you should only be having sex with someone when you're dying to rip his clothes off, and not because it's the 3rd date, or everyone's doing it, or he might bugger off if you don't soon, or you think it will turn it into a relationship.

So that might come early on, or it might come after a long time of getting to know the guy.

As long as you're doing it because you really want to, that's the key.

mistyriver · 13/12/2022 09:26

Great post @category12

ItREALLYishimnotyou · 13/12/2022 10:24

It's not only women who feel like this. My now H didn't want to until he felt that he really knew me.

Mercurian · 13/12/2022 11:09

@ItREALLYishimnotyou Please don't be offended but did he have a body or health issue to hold off the sex or did he come from a religious background? was he a virgin? What was his reasoning if it's ok to share? I find it unusual for a western non religious man with no health or body issues to request waiting.

northernlight20 · 13/12/2022 11:14

Mercurian · 13/12/2022 11:09

@ItREALLYishimnotyou Please don't be offended but did he have a body or health issue to hold off the sex or did he come from a religious background? was he a virgin? What was his reasoning if it's ok to share? I find it unusual for a western non religious man with no health or body issues to request waiting.

My western, non religious, no trauma or body hang up man waited 6weeks as he wanted us to get to know each other well and be comfortable with each other first.

Mercurian · 13/12/2022 11:19

oh just 6 weeks? Yeah that's fine I thought we're talking 3 months and over before sex (and not long distance, seeing each other weekly).

Mercurian · 13/12/2022 11:20

I don't consider 6 weeks wait before sex that extraordinary. Is that supposed to be a long time?!

northernlight20 · 13/12/2022 11:23

Mercurian · 13/12/2022 11:20

I don't consider 6 weeks wait before sex that extraordinary. Is that supposed to be a long time?!

I guess it is as we were seeing each other 2 to 3 times a week after the first week of meeting. Especially when you read on here people dtd by date 3 🤷🏿‍♀️