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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I could use some help (about dating) and getting to know the guy before sex.

56 replies

AmITooTired · 12/12/2022 08:02

Sorry about the akward title.

I search other threads about this but they weren’t very helpful.

So my problem, I don’t personally like hook-up’s on no strings attached kind of things.
I want to know, trust and like the person before anything physical.

As you can guess, that is a tall order these days.

Now the other threads I looked about waiting were older post that were mostly just saying women can have sex on a first day etc, but since these days the pendulum has swung to the opposite direction and now there is a huge pressure to have sex as soon as possible, how does one navigate this?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 13/12/2022 11:40

Summerhillsquare · 12/12/2022 08:28

You just have to be yourself. If you're not it'll catch you out down the line anyway. And not just regarding sex.

This. Don't have sex until you want to. Pressure is irrelevant. External factors don't decide when you do things: you do. Would you want a relationship with someone who wants to have sex with you before you're ready?

Original poster
AmITooTired · 13/12/2022 11:51

Mercurian · 13/12/2022 11:20

I don't consider 6 weeks wait before sex that extraordinary. Is that supposed to be a long time?!

I’ve been told so.
Not exactly 6 weeks though (I’m going to need more time), but basically you ’got to’ get it over with as soon as possible.

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 13/12/2022 12:01

I usually wait a couple of months before having sex with a guy when I see relationship potential. If I feel pressured I end it as it’s a sign/red flag he’s not respecting my boundaries.

Watchkeys · 13/12/2022 12:14

Who told you that, and why do you think that their opinion about what you should be doing and when is important?

Delectable · 13/12/2022 12:24

It's a great way to sift out fickle guys especially if you're looking for a long term relationship to last into old age. Someone you can still enjoy life with even when ill, elderly or just physically drained.

It might take time but will be more rewarding.

Don't accept invites to his home or locations with a lot of privacy.

category12 · 13/12/2022 12:29

AmITooTired · 13/12/2022 11:51

I’ve been told so.
Not exactly 6 weeks though (I’m going to need more time), but basically you ’got to’ get it over with as soon as possible.

Show quote history

I think your friend, if it's her, has a strange way of looking at things and is trying to depict her own opinion as the "norm".

There is no norm.

And you need to follow your own path. The right person for you will be sympatico.

category12 · 13/12/2022 12:40

And this basically you ’got to’ get it over with definitely backs up my feeling that this is not about a healthy attitude to sex and women having fun good sex.

Sounds like it's something she's not enjoying but thinks she has to have. Sad.

Eatentoomanyroses · 13/12/2022 12:49

I followed the rules. They’re old fashioned but definitely work. I used them after I got divorced in 2013 ( remarried now) and was navigating dating again. They basically say you don’t see them more than once a week for the first few months. This means you’re naturally taking it slow. You don’t allow any false sense of intimacy to be created by very long dates, long conversations on the phone or seeing each other every night. You go on proper dates once a week ( dinner/ drinks/ cinema later on) so don’t go to their homes or they to yours. If he has been consistent and not skipped any dates/ weekends and is acting exclusive that’s when I would be considering sex. Not before.
I think I also read a book called ‘not tonight mr right’ which had lots of useful delaying tactics but I think recommends waiting a year which I don’t think is doable really.

Watchkeys · 13/12/2022 13:04

Suggesting that there are 'rules' that can apply to everyone dismisses individuals wants and needs, and encourages people not to be guided by how they feel.

If how you feel isn't your guide for life, you won't feel good. It's that simple. There are no rules.

Eatentoomanyroses · 13/12/2022 13:16

@Watchkeys that's all well and good but it felt pretty good to me to have some guidance, some boundaries and to be treated very well as a result. Not all women have a good radar for users and fuck boys. Not all women have great boundaries. Some women become more interested the worse they are treated. This is why you see women stuck with cock lodgers, abusing them and their children. It’s why you’ve got women ten years into relationships with men wondering why they’re not married.

emptythelitterbox · 13/12/2022 13:44

Eatentoomanyroses · 13/12/2022 12:49

I followed the rules. They’re old fashioned but definitely work. I used them after I got divorced in 2013 ( remarried now) and was navigating dating again. They basically say you don’t see them more than once a week for the first few months. This means you’re naturally taking it slow. You don’t allow any false sense of intimacy to be created by very long dates, long conversations on the phone or seeing each other every night. You go on proper dates once a week ( dinner/ drinks/ cinema later on) so don’t go to their homes or they to yours. If he has been consistent and not skipped any dates/ weekends and is acting exclusive that’s when I would be considering sex. Not before.
I think I also read a book called ‘not tonight mr right’ which had lots of useful delaying tactics but I think recommends waiting a year which I don’t think is doable really.

Agree with the rules.

It helps to set your values firmly so your boundaries aren't pushed and stomped on.

Watchkeys · 13/12/2022 14:25

Not all women have a good radar for users and fuck boys. Not all women have great boundaries

Then they need to get some. People with poor boundaries and bad radars for bad behaviour don't have healthy relationships. Everybody's rules are independent to them, and if they don't realise that, then they're going to struggle at some point, even with a psychologically healthy partner, because they won't be able to clearly state what they need/want/reject, and your 'rules' won't be there to help them in every situation.

If we make our own rules, we have something to apply whatever situation we get into. If we follow yours, we delay sex, then we're on our own anyway.

Watchkeys · 13/12/2022 14:26

Also, your 'rules' don't cater for situations where a man loves the chase, and will chase for months and months until he gets a woman into bed. And then he drops her. It's not rare.

category12 · 13/12/2022 14:59

Watchkeys · 13/12/2022 14:25

Not all women have a good radar for users and fuck boys. Not all women have great boundaries

Then they need to get some. People with poor boundaries and bad radars for bad behaviour don't have healthy relationships. Everybody's rules are independent to them, and if they don't realise that, then they're going to struggle at some point, even with a psychologically healthy partner, because they won't be able to clearly state what they need/want/reject, and your 'rules' won't be there to help them in every situation.

If we make our own rules, we have something to apply whatever situation we get into. If we follow yours, we delay sex, then we're on our own anyway.

I agree with @Watchkeys here, because, following a set of someone else's rules is no substitute for having your own boundaries and faith in them. That can only get you so far and won't help you have a healthy relationship. You need to do the actual work yourself to build up your shark cage and self esteem.

I think "The Rules" are an illusion of control - if I do this and this, I will get this outcome. But people don't work like that.

Of course if it's worked for you, you're going to be a fan, but it's more luck than anything IMO.

There's nothing to stop a guy dating someone who is following the rules, from also running other women at various stages, and not particularly minding how long the chase to bed goes. Or less manipulatively, mistaking lust for something more, shagging and then realising he's not that into the person once the heat is off.

I think some of it's good advice (like not seeing too much of each other too soon and not dropping all other social stuff for a bloke), as it can be so easy to be lovebombed with too much too soon, but the notion that there is a set of rules you can follow to hook a man is pretty flawed.

Bananasinpyjamas21 · 13/12/2022 15:10

I’d recommend not having sex actually!

I quite enjoyed ONS and casual sex for a while before my last relationship, but it’s a hard way to find someone who is going to be good long term. It also made me more of a sexual person, and I attracted a lot of players because of it.

I think it’s nice to see if there is a ‘spark’ which is intimacy, a bit of flirting, brushing hands, the odd kiss. Someone who isn’t interested in you personally won’t wait for sex, they will move on. Someone who is interested in you, will find that whole flirting waiting quite nice, and will wait.

So in short, imho it’s a good way of getting rid of people who aren’t that interested in you.

Original poster
AmITooTired · 13/12/2022 15:14

If we follow yours, we delay sex, then we're on our own anyway.

Well, to be fair, they were giving an actual advice that I was looking for.
And I found it helpful.
”Jump into bed as soon as you can” are type of advices that internet, friends etc are spouting all the time - not helpful to me in any way.

OP posts:
category12 · 13/12/2022 15:36

Watchkeys' advice was not jump into bed as soon as you can, tho.

I don't think you're getting that sort of advice generally here either.

NooNakedJacuzziness · 13/12/2022 15:44

"Demi sexual" - why do we have to label everything these days? People used to hate labels!

NewToWoo · 13/12/2022 15:48

chat first online for a few weeks. If a man repeatedly steers the conversation towards sex or asks for pics, delete him. If he is interested in your day, shares his day, talks about his interests, engages with yours, has opinions on current affairs etc and seems keen to meet up to do something together then he's a safer bet. Meet to go to the theatre or cinema after a few chats. Say goodbye at the end of the evening. have a few more evenings like that.

username8888 · 13/12/2022 15:51

What other people do or don't do is irrelevant. Do what you feel comfortable with. If the guy doesn't like it you're well rid.

2bazookas · 13/12/2022 15:54

First couple of dates, meet in a public place so no opportunity for sex. Don't go to his place, don't invite him to yours.

Talk to him.

Watchkeys · 13/12/2022 16:02

@AmITooTired

You found the advice helpful because you have poor boundaries. You have poor boundaries because you're looking for boundaries to be set for you (i.e. 'the rules')

Adults set their own boundaries. In order to be emotionally mature, and therefore ready for an emotionally mature relationship, you need to start making your own 'rules' according to your own feelings. So, when you sleep with somebody will be to do with when it feels right for you, not when a stranger on a forum says 'the rules' are about how long to wait.

Nobody here has said 'Jump into bed as soon as you can'. Jump into bed when it feels right to you. Jump into bed when you feel sure that he's offering what you want from the relationship. Or, if you've got your own back (which you currently don't, and that's why you're looking for external 'rules') jump into bed as soon as you want, for one night stands, if that feels right to you.

There are no rules. Follow your feelings, and if you don't trust your feelings to show you the way, don't date until you've got that worked out.

Original poster
AmITooTired · 13/12/2022 16:35

@Watchkeys
Well you certainly have build a big backstory to my life.
You’re are off the mark a lot.
This forum is build on people asking advice, throwing lazy judgements at them is pointless.

OP posts:
ItREALLYishimnotyou · 13/12/2022 16:37

Mercurian · 13/12/2022 11:09

@ItREALLYishimnotyou Please don't be offended but did he have a body or health issue to hold off the sex or did he come from a religious background? was he a virgin? What was his reasoning if it's ok to share? I find it unusual for a western non religious man with no health or body issues to request waiting.

None of these. He is just as man who feels he really has to know and trust someone before he goes there. He had come from a verbally abusive marriage though so perhaps that played a part?

tabbysarerude · 13/12/2022 17:26

Me too. I'm also recently single after a failed marriage, 41 and a mother. I'm not going on apps or seeking out men that's for sure.

Instead I'm pursuing what I love in as many shapes and forms as I can and if a man turns up great, but I don't expect one to.