If your child’s father has never met your child, why is that?

[Grplj]

I posted earlier today about a situation I am in with a new ish relationship (not sure how to link the thread?!) A poster suggested I ask this question instead… is there ever a ‘good’ reason a dad wouldn’t want to know their dc?

The mother doesn't want the father in the picture to play family with the man she ran off with. Furthermore, reducing contact with the biological father increases the child maintenance payments and the stress to share decisions about the child with another person.

There are not infrequently good reasons the mum doesn't want the dad involved. Rape and domestic violence being the most obvious.

Eldest son’s father only met him once in 29yrs. Why? He was too young, 16, and didn’t want the inconvenience of a child. I’ll give him his due, he stayed away, I never asked him to do that. But I didn’t want him coming in and out of his life and told him that when DS was 3yrs old.

DS2 and DD have a father who adores them and that made it even harder for DS1. There’s never a good reason why the father can’t be bothered to meet their child and it’s a hard no for me to date someone who hasn’t met their child. Not unless they were in midst of court proceedings to gain access.

He promised the world then disappeared as soon as my daughter was born. The door was open until she was 1 but he made no effort. Effort works both ways. Same with his family never met her, I won’t call him what I usually call him but unfortunately men like that exist

The answer is never a nice one.

has your partner not met his child? What was the reason given?

In my case - we were married. Baby was planned.

I came home from work at around 6 months pregnant to find all his stuff gone and a note saying “I’m leaving”.

Haven’t seen or heard from him since, other than the divorce papers which were simple as we hadn’t yet bought a house and he had no interest in being a father.

He tells people I “won’t let him” and he “pays through the nose”.

He has never attempted to see our child, and if he wanted to as badly as he makes out, it’s a mere £250 to self rep. He has PR because we were married when she was born and I put his name on the BC because I didn’t fucking see why it should say “father unknown” and due to the marriage, he had PR regardless of whether I put him on there or not.

He doesn’t pay a fucking penny because he job hops so often that the CMS can’t catch him in time to take money from his wages.

I’ve been single ever since, just over 7 years, so there’s no “new Daddy”.

Reasons why other men aren’t around that I know of -

• Abusive
• Lying, lazy grifters who simply can’t be bothered but spin a “woe is me” attitude to garner sympathy from those who know they have a child
• Teenage Dads who simply can’t be arsed

My ex has met our children (obviously as we have more than one) but he hasn’t seen them in 2 years because he doesn’t want to, that’s his reason. I think in a case where a man hasn’t met a child with someone perhaps it was an unplanned pregnancy and he chose not to be involved? That’s the most common reason.

Decided he just did not want to be a parent however he currently parents fairly well with his new wife. He didnt see the kids for over 5 years - had never met the youngest till they were 5 all just because he did not fancy it. Barely sees them now either. Never had another man in their lives till youngest was 12 and worked all that time too so not anything to do with my not wanting him around and all to do with him being useless with no moral compass nor compassion for his kids.

I agree there is no reason that would ever be good enough for me as to why a man would not see his children. Even if the mother didn't want it, there are ways of having contact (supervised, going to court etc).

The reason why it happens is because as a society we do not hold fathers who fuck off properly to account.

I would never have a relationship with a man who didn't see his kids. If you do have that kind of relationship, you have to accept that you'll probably never have kids with him and he will fuck off when he's no longer the centre of attention/things get hard/something better comes along.

If the man says the ex partner is abusive (if even true), wouldn't that be all the more reason to be in their child's life?

My biological "father" has never met me apparently "wasn't ready" to be a dad. His loss my step dad I see as my dad and he is a bloody incredible man who I love dearly. Biological one I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire quite frankly

Dad's are capable of going to court, if you really loved your child you would just pay the money and reducing contact isn't really going to affect the CMS that much. Or perhaps the dads should just look after their kids a bit more and they would be paying LESS cms, win win all round 🙄

Because he's a selfish prick?

Dunno really, probably be 'wasn't ready' but age old story of upped and left as a newborn out of the blue after a 2 year relationship.

17 year old now and he's never even tried, think he's even got him blocked on Facebook :(

Ignorance is bliss

This is probably very outing but here goes...

Ex Dh left to go back to the states when dd was 3 and ds was 11 months.

One morning he got up to go to work at 6 am and when I went out to my car at 11.30 am I found £100 and a note saying if this makes me like my dad so be it ( his Dad left his Mum ) I'm leaving.

I screamed and cried but it made no difference. He was gone.

Beautiful Dd is now 30 and pregnant. He came over with his wife and two children ( 24 and 17 ) 3 weeks ago to attend her wedding.

It's the first time he saw her since she was 3 so 27 years. Ds declined to meet him and swerved the wedding.

He just provided that £100 that he left on the front seat - not a penny or dollar more.

Having met him in the flesh ( they did have the odd bit of fb contact in the last 5 years ) she has no desire to meet any of them again.

I wouldn't go near a man that had no contact with his child/children. There is usually a shitty reason attached to it. CD

I had two kids to a man who was a dickhead-he found himself a new shag (she was 14),got her pregnant behind my back and walked out on us to play happy families with the poor kid

He dragged me through the courts as ‘it’s free innit?’ (He got legal aid)

he left her in the shit with their baby when (s)he turned 6 months

i had one,one night stand with a bloke a year after dickhead left-it was a mistake but I put it down to experience

i fell pregnant but didn’t know I was pregnant until I was about to give birth-I hadn’t seen him since we had our one night stand-I hadn’t given him a thought to be honest

i gave birth,tracked him down-and found out that not only did he have a wife tucked away,but he also had a son

he told my family that he didn’t want to know,wasn’t paying a penny and he hoped my baby died-as ‘all bastards deserved to die’

his wife stood by him-blaming me for trying to ruin his family (I didn’t know he was married with a kid-he did) and the fallout from dickhead and his family was unreal

i was the cheap slag for having a one night stand-but he wasn’t an abusive arsehole for getting a 14 year old pregnant as ‘she was almost 15’

both men have walked off into the sunset-one never did meet ’his’ son and both have never paid a penny for them

some men can just forget they have kids

Never.

In some cases, it's because the dad believes he is punishing the mum for leaving him, but actually he is just hurting their DC.

My EXDP limits his contact with the DC to 4 days per month, all year round. I'm about to take him to court to increase it to 50/50 contact during the school holidays. To anyone who will listen, he badges this as me not wanting to spend time with my DC, and that I'm trying to get rid of my DC; this from a person who sees their DC 4 times per month!

I'd be extremely wary of a man who had limited contact with his DC, if he had no contact I wouldn't want to know him.

Mine was a divorced father of 3. We met down the pub, wasn't supposed to be anything serious. Saw each other a few times. Then one night he came over, I said no to sex. He didn't like it, kept trying, I said no. In the morning he made clear he wasn't going to take no for an answer. I didn't say no, but he knew it wasn't really what I wanted. He just didn't care. He was twice my size, much stronger. He was determined to take what he wanted. He didn't use contraception he never did. I used the MAP but turns out it didn't work. I found out I was pregnant, told him and that was the last I heard from him for months. I was very mentally ill during my pregnancy and still am to some extent, didn't tell anyone until near the end and most until after birth.

I told him about his child. Made clear he could meet his child and the door was open. He's never tried slightly. He got someone else pregnant not long after this child was born. He fiddles the books to pay minimum maintenance when I know he earns a lot, I've never had the energy to challenge it. My whole life has gone from what it was back then. I'm guessing like many men he tells a very different story to those in his life, if he tells them at all.

be careful you’re not wasting your time. There’s nothing courts can do to make someone take their children.

my ex took me to court demanding EOW, one day in the week, half the holidays and alternate Christmases and birthdays. I had to have the children available at those times - he only showed up sporadically. Nothing the court can do. Eventually they scrapped the order so we didn’t have to hang around eow in case he chose to show

Somewhat off topic, but how is your court action going to work? Have you taken legal advice about whether it is appropriate? I thought court orders simply meant that the child had to be made available for contact - they can't compel the NRP to actually take up all the contact that is offered.

Because thats what they want there are courts for that sort of thing but that would be far too easy and as he just spent thousands on a new car (not the back child support) he can hardly be expected to actually pay money for a court to tell him to see his own child (although they are 14 and courts are not going to force them now are they) they still blame me despite them only wanting two hours a week they refused to see them during covid and every single time I've increased contact with dad? They have decreased it so I stopped told ds it's obviously not working let's wait for him to increase it.....still waiting!

And I know he blames me because I was "caught out" by his friends shopping with our son and they said I thought you were "busy" today I said I am but his dad is sick so I've got to drag the kids out with me shopping.....no your stopping him from seeing them so I pulled up my phone and showed the message telling me he had a migraine and was too sick to see them that day apparently he was at her house with his girlfriend crying and telling everyone I was refusing him access

Not enough therapy in the world for this type of bullshit

@JustLyra @CakeIsNotAvailable

My EXDP is a funny one. He'll do what the law tells him, but not what I ask him to, as he thinks I'm trying to control him.

E.g. when I asked him for maintenance of £300 per DC (we have two), he said he'd only give me £300 for the two of them because "they live together, so cost less" while giving his previous EXDW £300 per month for one DC.

I took him to the CMS, and he now pays £610 for the two DC, and has never missed a month.

My solicitor says I can submit the forms for a child arrangements order. They've said my case is unusual, because it's usually the man submitting for more access, not the other way round. I'm going to self-represent, given the issues, so it'll cost me £232.

DC are with me all school week anyway, plus every weekend he doesn't have them. This is fine with me, as one DC has additional needs and gets special transport to and from school from my house.

I want the court agreement to say he has to do 50/50 during school holidays and to give me 6 weeks notice of his dates, as I believe he will do it them, as he won't want to answer awkward questions from the DC when they are older about why he didn't. At the moment he blames me for him seeing them just 4 days, when that couldn't be further from the truth.

I had the MIAM session about 6 months ago, and due to time lapsed now have to do another. He refused point blank to go to mediation, as he wasn't going to pay out for it!

If I get the court order, and he doesn't follow it, I'll be able to tell my DC when they are older that I did everything I could to support their relationship with their Dad, and the rest was up to him.

NB. I'm perfectly happy for maintenance to reduce once his overnights go up, as it's in the DC interest for him to see them more.

Usually it's because they say their ex is 'abusive' but they are willing to leave their children with them, 'controlling' but they are willing to leave their children with them or a variation on this theme.

Then I see the women on here going through hell to try to stop their abusive exs getting contact with their children because they don't want their children to be abused.

But the men who say their ex's are abusive have rarely even been to court once. Because its too expensive (it not) the courts are biased towards the mother (they arent) etc etc

My ex has never met my 6 week old. He pissed off when I was 15 weeks. Baby wasn’t planned as such but he told me if it accidentally happened it would be amazing and wonderful blah blah. I doubt I’ll ever hear from him again but the door is always open for the sake of my DS.

@Justwingit66 ive tried to PM you but it won’t work..!