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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your child’s father has never met your child, why is that?

52 replies

Grplj · 11/12/2022 18:21

I posted earlier today about a situation I am in with a new ish relationship (not sure how to link the thread?!) A poster suggested I ask this question instead… is there ever a ‘good’ reason a dad wouldn’t want to know their dc?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 12/12/2022 00:57

The honest answer is - I don't know.

Lack of interest? Shame? Laziness? Embarrassment?

The door has always been open.

Who knows. My son is now 24. We were in an established, steady relationship. He was planned and much wanted. He's never seen him.

fifteenohfour · 12/12/2022 01:09

@Dogsinthecradle please don't call a 14 year old a 'new shag' He raped and impregnated a child. 14 year olds can't consent to sex bec cause they are children. He's a paedophile. A

taxpayer1 · 12/12/2022 01:58

Starseeking · 11/12/2022 23:17

@JustLyra @CakeIsNotAvailable

My EXDP is a funny one. He'll do what the law tells him, but not what I ask him to, as he thinks I'm trying to control him.

E.g. when I asked him for maintenance of £300 per DC (we have two), he said he'd only give me £300 for the two of them because "they live together, so cost less" while giving his previous EXDW £300 per month for one DC.

I took him to the CMS, and he now pays £610 for the two DC, and has never missed a month.

My solicitor says I can submit the forms for a child arrangements order. They've said my case is unusual, because it's usually the man submitting for more access, not the other way round. I'm going to self-represent, given the issues, so it'll cost me £232.

DC are with me all school week anyway, plus every weekend he doesn't have them. This is fine with me, as one DC has additional needs and gets special transport to and from school from my house.

I want the court agreement to say he has to do 50/50 during school holidays and to give me 6 weeks notice of his dates, as I believe he will do it them, as he won't want to answer awkward questions from the DC when they are older about why he didn't. At the moment he blames me for him seeing them just 4 days, when that couldn't be further from the truth.

I had the MIAM session about 6 months ago, and due to time lapsed now have to do another. He refused point blank to go to mediation, as he wasn't going to pay out for it!

If I get the court order, and he doesn't follow it, I'll be able to tell my DC when they are older that I did everything I could to support their relationship with their Dad, and the rest was up to him.

NB. I'm perfectly happy for maintenance to reduce once his overnights go up, as it's in the DC interest for him to see them more.

You cannot force anyone to have more time. I believe your case will be dismissed.

taxpayer1 · 12/12/2022 02:10

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 11/12/2022 23:23

Usually it's because they say their ex is 'abusive' but they are willing to leave their children with them, 'controlling' but they are willing to leave their children with them or a variation on this theme.

Then I see the women on here going through hell to try to stop their abusive exs getting contact with their children because they don't want their children to be abused.

But the men who say their ex's are abusive have rarely even been to court once. Because its too expensive (it not) the courts are biased towards the mother (they arent) etc etc

How are you so certain about everything? Have you done any research?

Afreshstar · 12/12/2022 02:15

FuckMyLife2022 · 11/12/2022 18:33

Hmm

In my case - we were married. Baby was planned.

I came home from work at around 6 months pregnant to find all his stuff gone and a note saying “I’m leaving”.

Haven’t seen or heard from him since, other than the divorce papers which were simple as we hadn’t yet bought a house and he had no interest in being a father.

He tells people I “won’t let him” and he “pays through the nose”.

He has never attempted to see our child, and if he wanted to as badly as he makes out, it’s a mere £250 to self rep. He has PR because we were married when she was born and I put his name on the BC because I didn’t fucking see why it should say “father unknown” and due to the marriage, he had PR regardless of whether I put him on there or not.

He doesn’t pay a fucking penny because he job hops so often that the CMS can’t catch him in time to take money from his wages.

I’ve been single ever since, just over 7 years, so there’s no “new Daddy”.

Reasons why other men aren’t around that I know of -

  • Abusive
  • Lying, lazy grifters who simply can’t be bothered but spin a “woe is me” attitude to garner sympathy from those who know they have a child
  • Teenage Dads who simply can’t be arsed
Show quote history

sheesh that’s horrendous. I’ve never heard of a married man walking out on a pregnant woman and never looking back like that, but I’m sure it happens far more than I think. What an awful deadbeat father & partner.

RLScott · 12/12/2022 03:23

MrsH497 · 11/12/2022 18:58

My biological "father" has never met me apparently "wasn't ready" to be a dad. His loss my step dad I see as my dad and he is a bloody incredible man who I love dearly. Biological one I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire quite frankly

Love how you worded that. A biological father is just a sperm donor, the term dad is reserved for the person who raised you (and well of course). I wish this term usage was widespread.

My younger sister got our amazing dad (who is also our biological father, but that’s less important) a fridge magnet: “Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad”. Remember being really struck by that phrase and the difference between the two the first time I saw it.

CakeIsNotAvailable · 12/12/2022 03:55

Starseeking · 11/12/2022 23:17

@JustLyra @CakeIsNotAvailable

My EXDP is a funny one. He'll do what the law tells him, but not what I ask him to, as he thinks I'm trying to control him.

E.g. when I asked him for maintenance of £300 per DC (we have two), he said he'd only give me £300 for the two of them because "they live together, so cost less" while giving his previous EXDW £300 per month for one DC.

I took him to the CMS, and he now pays £610 for the two DC, and has never missed a month.

My solicitor says I can submit the forms for a child arrangements order. They've said my case is unusual, because it's usually the man submitting for more access, not the other way round. I'm going to self-represent, given the issues, so it'll cost me £232.

DC are with me all school week anyway, plus every weekend he doesn't have them. This is fine with me, as one DC has additional needs and gets special transport to and from school from my house.

I want the court agreement to say he has to do 50/50 during school holidays and to give me 6 weeks notice of his dates, as I believe he will do it them, as he won't want to answer awkward questions from the DC when they are older about why he didn't. At the moment he blames me for him seeing them just 4 days, when that couldn't be further from the truth.

I had the MIAM session about 6 months ago, and due to time lapsed now have to do another. He refused point blank to go to mediation, as he wasn't going to pay out for it!

If I get the court order, and he doesn't follow it, I'll be able to tell my DC when they are older that I did everything I could to support their relationship with their Dad, and the rest was up to him.

NB. I'm perfectly happy for maintenance to reduce once his overnights go up, as it's in the DC interest for him to see them more.

I'm not a lawyer, but I think that, in principle, courts try to start from a presumption of not making an order - the court will only make an order if that would clearly be better than not doing so. Because you are voluntarily offering more time with the children and he is declining it, I'd be very surprised if you get anywhere with this.

Andypandy799 · 12/12/2022 04:13

Grplj · 12/12/2022 00:00

@Justwingit66 ive tried to PM you but it won’t work..!

god your desperate to be with this loser aren’t you? There is no reason a man shouldn’t see his child. NONE, ZILCH, NADA

Ask yourself what reason would you never want to see your child? What a waste of breath this poor excuse of a human is. He’s horrible, toxic, and above all else selfish.

The poor child didn’t ask for a loser or sperm donor did he. Honestly it’s people like you and your bf shouldn’t be allowed to have children. Fuming 😡 here tbh you even asked the question

SoggyBananaLoaf · 12/12/2022 04:42

My kids dad doesn't see them because he's a selfish that. They cramp his style. They're an inconvenience. He's too busy being fabulous to bother to see them. He sees them when it suits him, when he use them to prop up his fb page about what a fantastic father he is. Wanker.

AutumnColours9 · 12/12/2022 04:58

From experience I would never date a man who had kids but didn't see them. Anyone genuine would be going to court or have a long record of this. In all cases I know of the man was simply just after a fresh start or too selfish.

InSummertime · 12/12/2022 05:15

I was 34 and he was 34. He told me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me on loop. I had previously been married and had 5 mc. I was on the pill.
A year in having met his parents and his mentor - I was starting to feel uncomfortable as he had some issues (some sexual) most notably an issue with his family - a well known family and was showing signs of some issues mentally and emotionally.

My pregnancy was ‘accidental’ in that I was on the pill but after 5 mc I was worried and anxious. He offered me a cheque to have a termination upon receipt of the confirmation of an abortion to buy a house and have a holiday to recover.
I dumped him and had the baby alone. He said he hoped I would have a miscarriage by letter and hoped the stress caused me to have one as his life was ruined.

I wrote to him and his parents and his solicitor when I had the baby giving her name, date of birth, address and telephone number and email. Saying they could have contact with the baby if they wished.

I had a short letter from him via his solicitor saying he hadn’t chosen to be a father and would meet any legal obligations required in court but not until that point.

His parents wrote to me saying I would be a single alcoholic mother and my child would be an inconvenience to them and society and no one should ever be legally allowed to have a child where the father says no.

both multimillionaires - parents and him. Never asked for CMS. He has never sent a card or any money.

he has never married. He has never been in touch he’s now 50. His brother is 55 and neither of them married or with children.

my daughter doesn’t want to know who he is and contact him.

InSummertime · 12/12/2022 05:16

Ps I don’t think anyone knows about his daughter

JocastaElastic · 12/12/2022 05:30

fifteenohfour · 12/12/2022 01:09

@Dogsinthecradle please don't call a 14 year old a 'new shag' He raped and impregnated a child. 14 year olds can't consent to sex bec cause they are children. He's a paedophile. A

Yes. This.

TERRRYsnotmine · 12/12/2022 05:42

Is he a good dad though@Starseeking when your children go 4 days each week? If so you can push for court. I have a funny dynamic also with my ex and I applied to the courts. For school holidays you can request that your ex informs you at the end of April or May for the whole year of which school holiday weeks he would like.

My ex have never broken the court order but has done not a single thing more than the order states so I can relate!

TERRRYsnotmine · 12/12/2022 06:03

@taxpayer1 have you actually took your ex to court though? Have you? I'm interested to know it is not about what the parents
"Wants"
I've taken my ex to court twice, I hated the process but I did it because I love my Son. So as a single parent I don't want to hear excuses it's not good enough. Both parents have a moral obligation to look after their children and if your struggling there's mediation and if that fails the courts will assist BOTH parents.

One thing I can say about court IS.... BOTH parents HAVE to listen to each persons view!

beingsunny · 12/12/2022 07:09

My ex hadn't met his daughter when I met him, spent several years in court trying to gain access. He told me she was mentally Ill and she refused to tell him when she was born out of spite because he left her (due to her apparent emotional and physical abuse of him)

Turns out he was a liar, I found out the hard way he was a narcissist and emotionally, physically and financially abusive.

Women don't usually withhold contact for no good reason, it happens of course but I would be wary.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 12/12/2022 07:28

Close friend of mine, happily married, both working, had their first child,
DD1. Husband pleased. Suggested they have a second close together so they would be friends. (Husband had a twin and was very close to him.) Along comes DD2. Husband pleased but really wanted a SON, so let's try again.
Have DS, who is born seriously handicapped and parents are told he will not live past two years old. Wife quits her job to care for DS and the two preschool DDs.
Husband takes a job that pays more but requires travel during the week.
Husband says they should try again as DS1 will die and he wants a healthy DS.
DS2 is born. Fine, beautiful, healthy boy.
Husband packs up and moves back to live with his mother and brother. Sends his wife a note that "Four children are too much. They get on his nerves." He never pays maintenance or has visitation. His mother pays what she can afford and babysits DS1 so mother can return to work.

Starseeking · 12/12/2022 07:49

TERRRYsnotmine · 12/12/2022 05:42

Is he a good dad though@Starseeking when your children go 4 days each week? If so you can push for court. I have a funny dynamic also with my ex and I applied to the courts. For school holidays you can request that your ex informs you at the end of April or May for the whole year of which school holiday weeks he would like.

My ex have never broken the court order but has done not a single thing more than the order states so I can relate!

Thank you @TERRRYsnotmine, it sounds like we have similar EX's! He is a good Dad to the DC on the 4 days he sees them; takes them to all their extra-curricular, friends parties, to visit his extended family etc, I have no concerns there. The DC miss him so much, as EOW really is not enough contact. My EXDP is only limiting the time with them as a form of control on me, and he is trying to impact my career (I work full-time in a senior level job), which he also tried to do while we were together.

My EXDP is all about appearances, so he would never stand up in court to say he does not want to see his DC more than 4 days per month, as he knows how it would look. If I suggest 50/50 during school holidays only, and the court asks for his view, he'll agree so as not to look like a bad Dad. For the sake of £232, I will absolutely make the application, and see where it gets to. It's helpful to hear of your successful experience.

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/12/2022 07:58

Because of my own experiences, I wish my ex had disappeared before DS was born and never came back. Instead he's fucked with DS's head, regular 2 year abandonments, culminating in OW deciding that DS was no longer welcome when I was diagnosed with cancer just before lockdown 1.

I applied to court to enforce the contact order and he wrote to them to say he wasn't going to see DS again. The court made OW the subject of prohibited steps and that was that. It's nearly 3 years since we saw him. OW bought a house 700 miles away.

I imagine everybody on their side has been told that I have stopped contact and I'm an evil controlling abuser because they are an absolute pair of arseholes who can't own their own behaviour. DS has had to have a lot of therapy to deal with it. I so wish ex had stayed away. He's done so much damage.

Hedgehog93 · 12/12/2022 08:05

Im currently 36 weeks pregnant and was kicked out whilst 16 weeks pregnant by my lovely ex partner and his family. Hasn’t bothered to check in or pick up the phone or you know offer to help finance his joint responsibility. Can safely say men who do that are the lowest scummy cunts going. What i’m finding is it seems to be ok if it’s the man that does the abandoning. If they didn’t want a child they should have wrapped up. Mine was fully aware I was not on contraception and we agreed to see what would happen so it wasn’t unplanned. If women did the abandoning it’s another story. Infuriating.

Stressfordays · 12/12/2022 08:12

I don't understand the 'I'm not ready' or the 'its too much work' excuse. I find parenting hard and I don't enjoy it but I've got 3 kids and that's that. I made em so I look after them, care for them and love them despite how difficult I find it. Why is it not the same for men? When women walk away, they are severely judged but men? Its like its acceptable.

FuckMyLife2022 · 12/12/2022 08:16

@Afreshstar Unfortunately it probably does. I sure as shit didn’t see it coming. The fact he goes to extreme lengths to avoid paying angers me the most and he owes me/DD c.£12,000. CMS are useless.

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 12/12/2022 09:07

My Dad had a child from a previous marriage who he never saw. His wife left him and that was that. He didn't want to maintain contact. He was a great dad to me and my full siblings though. This was the 1950s though

Exactfare · 12/12/2022 09:17

A close relative of mines ex-partner (a real piece of work) took the kids and moved half way across the world (her home country) and tried to stop him seeing them - it does happen

But he moved half way across the world too, applied to get residency in her home country and started legal proceeding to get access (which he now has as a result, he's working towards 50/50). This is what good dad's do.

No excuse not to see your child.

Justwingit66 · 12/12/2022 10:07

Grplj · 11/12/2022 18:21

I posted earlier today about a situation I am in with a new ish relationship (not sure how to link the thread?!) A poster suggested I ask this question instead… is there ever a ‘good’ reason a dad wouldn’t want to know their dc?

Have messaged you!