AIBU christmas dilemma

Mollylegs · 2022-12-10T09:17:06+00:00

Hi, I was just hoping for some honest advice, if I;m the one being unreasonable I get it and I won't be offended. My husband left me a few months ago and he has someone else. We have been together 20 years and it's knocked me sideways. I still find it hard not to cry and his treatment of me hasn't helped. My dilemma is christmas day and seeing people. I was very close to my MIL and SIL, I would see her nearly everyday. Since my husband left I have not seen my SIL at all, my MIL about 3 times. I find it hard as I don't really have a family of my own, they have always been there. Normally my in laws always come round on christmas day in the morning to see our son and he can thank them for his gifts. His dad won't even speak to me via text message and has hardly seen his son since he left. My son is 18 so not a small child, AIBU in not wanting them in my home as I know I will end up in tears, my son has said he will go to see his dad and grandparents at their home, you can see their house from our house so it's not far. I just want to do the right thing for my son so if people think I should let them come then so be it, thanks in advance

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/12/2022 09:20

They don’t seem to want a relationship with you so I wouldn’t invite them over. They probably wouldn’t accept would they? It sounds very difficult, I’m sorry. Is there anyone you can spend the day with if your son will be with his father?

category12 · 10/12/2022 09:50

Your son can pop over to them at their place and drop cards or whatever. You don't have to facilitate their relationship (unless he has a disability that means he's not independent).

I'd ask your son to spend Christmas with you and just have a nice one together. Make some new traditions.

Sorry you must be feeling terrible.

category12 · 10/12/2022 09:55

Sorry, reread.

I'd ask your son to pop over to the in laws to thank them in the morning, instead of having them over. That's not unreasonable at all. No need to have them over if you're not up to it.

baileys6904 · 10/12/2022 09:56

To be fair, it's always a bit messy following a separation, for family and friends too, just while everyone's finding their feet and working out how future dynamics will be. Do what's is good fot you, and don't write anything off yet. Next year will look a lot different and your son will understand.

alasangne · 10/12/2022 09:57

Seems a nice idea your son just going over there for a bit

Velvian · 10/12/2022 09:59

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this @Mollylegs it sounds very difficult.

Reassure your son that you are happy for him to do whatever he feels comfortable with, and if he just wants to stay at home that's fine . The 2 of you should eat some lovely Xmas food, watch Die Hard (thinking of my DS's favourite 'Xmas' film).

For goodness sake, do not worry about anyone else's feelings or manage your son's obligations to your H's family. Let that go.

Zanatdy · 10/12/2022 10:30

Easier all round that your son goes over to their house. You don’t need to let anyone in your home you aren’t comfortable with OP

Original poster

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 10:30

Hi, I wouldn't have thought they would want to come saying as they have ignored me pretty much, but because they are buying him gifts and because his dad has given me money to buy gifts it seems they expect it. My son has had a rubbish few months and I just want him to have a nice day. I don't want to seem petty but I think I will find it very upsetting.

OP posts:

category12 · 10/12/2022 10:33

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 10:30

Hi, I wouldn't have thought they would want to come saying as they have ignored me pretty much, but because they are buying him gifts and because his dad has given me money to buy gifts it seems they expect it. My son has had a rubbish few months and I just want him to have a nice day. I don't want to seem petty but I think I will find it very upsetting.

So don't have them over.

Your son is 18, they live nearby, he can nip over and say thanks etc and then come home again.

category12 · 10/12/2022 10:33

Or he can pop over on Boxing day.

gaf · 10/12/2022 10:35

You don’t have to have them over. You don’t have to do anything. They’ve made no effort over the last few months, you don’t owe them anything. If they want to see DS then he can go over there.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/12/2022 10:37

Sounds like your son is very thoughtful. I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds extremely difficult.

his dad has given me money to buy gifts

I would be giving this money back. It is not your job to make your ex's life easier, nor to facilitate his relationship with his son when he can't be arsed. Tell him he'll have to give money or gifts direct to his son - you are not his go between.

Motnight · 10/12/2022 10:38

gaf · 10/12/2022 10:35

You don’t have to have them over. You don’t have to do anything. They’ve made no effort over the last few months, you don’t owe them anything. If they want to see DS then he can go over there.

This. They have shown that they don't want a relationship with you anymore, and by doing that they have lost the right to be visitors in your home.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

alasangne · 10/12/2022 10:44

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 10:30

Hi, I wouldn't have thought they would want to come saying as they have ignored me pretty much, but because they are buying him gifts and because his dad has given me money to buy gifts it seems they expect it. My son has had a rubbish few months and I just want him to have a nice day. I don't want to seem petty but I think I will find it very upsetting.

No you buy gifts from you they buy their own gifts

Original poster

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 10:45

He said he didn't know what to buy for his son but he had bought gifts for his bit on the sides children using our amazon account and said he couldn't understand why I was annoyed with him. He has a son who adores him and wants to see him but he doesn't seem to care now he has his new family.

OP posts:

alasangne · 10/12/2022 10:46

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 10:45

He said he didn't know what to buy for his son but he had bought gifts for his bit on the sides children using our amazon account and said he couldn't understand why I was annoyed with him. He has a son who adores him and wants to see him but he doesn't seem to care now he has his new family.

FFS. Glad you're rid of him.

Justcallmebebes · 10/12/2022 10:46

I'm so sorry Mollylegs. The first year with christmases, birthdays etc is always the hardest.

Do what suits you this year. If you don't want ex and in laws in your home, don't invite them. Your son can go to them for a couple of hours if he wants to. That's not at all unreasonable.

Do you have anyone to support you irl? It will get easier, I promise ❤

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/12/2022 10:47

To be honest, even if you wanted to keep a relationship with them going in the long run, that still doesn't mean you should feel obliged to have them over this Christmas. You need to do what's best for you. It's your life that's been blown apart by this - a little bit of empathy from them might be nice but maybe that'll come further down the road.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/12/2022 10:49

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 10:45

He said he didn't know what to buy for his son but he had bought gifts for his bit on the sides children using our amazon account and said he couldn't understand why I was annoyed with him. He has a son who adores him and wants to see him but he doesn't seem to care now he has his new family.

Still not your problem. His son, his problem. You are not his go between.

The sooner you can separate finances altogether the better - they can be such arses at this stage of a break up.

category12 · 10/12/2022 10:50

And you can give your son the money you were given to buy them gifts, and he can shop for them. He's 18. He can use amazon if he doesn't fancy the shops.

You don't need to be the middleman in this.

alasangne · 10/12/2022 10:51

category12 · 10/12/2022 10:50

And you can give your son the money you were given to buy them gifts, and he can shop for them. He's 18. He can use amazon if he doesn't fancy the shops.

You don't need to be the middleman in this.

Yes give son the cash

Original poster

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 10:52

Hi, no I don't have much support, just a lovely lady I met on here when this first happened. I feel like I lost all my family and not just my husband. His mother very quickly decided to befriend her and put comments on social media whilst all the time trying to say he hasdn't cheated on me and had only known her for 2 weeks. He put pics on social media before having the decency to tell our son or me about her, I think that was a crappy thing to do.

OP posts:

category12 · 10/12/2022 10:53

Oh I'm confused. If your ex is expecting you to buy your son presents from him, just give your son the money he gave you.

He'll probably have more fun with the cash anyway than you buying and pretending his dad did.

It's no longer your job to do the "wifework" for your ex.

Original poster

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 10:55

Yes his dad had given me money to buy gifts for him, he doesn't have time now apparently.

OP posts:

Justcallmebebes · 10/12/2022 11:01

Unfortunately, blood is usually thicker than water in these situations. You have to do what's right for you and your son tho. Have you spoken to your son regarding what he wants to do?

I think it's going to be a hard Christmas for you both regardless but it's a few days and will pass and the next one will be easier and the ones after that, easier still but I think they, and you, should do this first one on your terms