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Original poster

AIBU christmas dilemma

75 replies

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 09:17

Hi, I was just hoping for some honest advice, if I;m the one being unreasonable I get it and I won't be offended. My husband left me a few months ago and he has someone else. We have been together 20 years and it's knocked me sideways. I still find it hard not to cry and his treatment of me hasn't helped. My dilemma is christmas day and seeing people. I was very close to my MIL and SIL, I would see her nearly everyday. Since my husband left I have not seen my SIL at all, my MIL about 3 times. I find it hard as I don't really have a family of my own, they have always been there. Normally my in laws always come round on christmas day in the morning to see our son and he can thank them for his gifts. His dad won't even speak to me via text message and has hardly seen his son since he left. My son is 18 so not a small child, AIBU in not wanting them in my home as I know I will end up in tears, my son has said he will go to see his dad and grandparents at their home, you can see their house from our house so it's not far. I just want to do the right thing for my son so if people think I should let them come then so be it, thanks in advance

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/12/2022 11:03

Well, fortunately cash is a great present for an 18 year old. I agree with the others - pass the cash on and then you can banish your ex from your mind again.

JRHartley72 · 10/12/2022 11:04

I recall your previous posts. I can't imagine how difficult it must be with them living over the road. I think, as hurtful as it must be, you to have to accept it will be a very different Christmas and if you don't want them in your home, don't let them. Tell your son you don't mind him popping over to theirs but plan a nice day for the two of you around it. Get in all the food you both really love, stack up some films, then kick back and relax. Also block your in-laws on social media. It sounds like they've been quite thoughtless in their response to your DH's affair.

Then start the new year focused on building a better future for you and your DS. Is moving away a possibility?

Original poster
Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 11:08

I suppose we could live anywhere, but I wouldn't do that to my son. If his time seeing his dad gets any less frequent I'm not sure how he will feel. The whole situation has just broken me. I can't understand what I have done to cause him to be so unkind to me. He was the one in the wrong yrt we're the ones suffering.

OP posts:
JRHartley72 · 10/12/2022 11:14

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 11:08

I suppose we could live anywhere, but I wouldn't do that to my son. If his time seeing his dad gets any less frequent I'm not sure how he will feel. The whole situation has just broken me. I can't understand what I have done to cause him to be so unkind to me. He was the one in the wrong yrt we're the ones suffering.

You don't have to move far, just out of their eye-line. Have you talked to your son about his dad hardly seeing him? He may find living there as painful as you do. He won't be living at home forever either.

You didn't do anything wrong regarding your DH. He had his head turned and he's being a bastard now because he knows he's done wrong. He probably can't face you or your son because it would mean having to acknowledge he's a lying cheat.

Original poster
Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 11:20

Yes somebody I know had said he probably doesn't speak to me out of guilt. Why not bother with your own son though, that I can't understand x

OP posts:
JRHartley72 · 10/12/2022 11:25

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 11:20

Yes somebody I know had said he probably doesn't speak to me out of guilt. Why not bother with your own son though, that I can't understand x

Because the guilt would be even greater with his son. He can justify his treatment of you as him falling out of love with you and falling in love with someone else, so why does he need to speak to you, but the cold hard truth regarding your DS is that he's abandoned him and replaced him with a shiny new family. So your ex is not going to want a conversation with your son about that, and that's probably why he's avoiding him. Presumably the OW's DC are much younger and therefore more malleable, unlike an 18-year-old who's witnessing his mum go through hell.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/12/2022 11:28

Someone told me many years ago "we always hate and resent the most the people who remind us of our own bad behaviour"

He's behaved like a shit and instead of owning it, he's doubling down on it to turn you into a villain and him into a helpless victim.

Your son sounds like a lovely young man. I would give him the cash on Xmas day and just say "your dad asked me to buy a gift for you with this, but I thought it would be best to let you choose your own." Keep the emotion out of it, just factual.

I hope you both have a lovely day x

deeperthanallroses · 10/12/2022 11:33

message your ex, saying cash is in an envelope for ds, I assume you’re dropping a card into the mailbox at some point to go with it. We will be just us two at Christmas, no idea why your mum thinks she is coming around. Ds of course can pop around there if he feels like it. All he really wants for Christmas is to see his dad though. I know, his dads a complete dick, but ds loves him.

ok maybe not the last sentence…

Original poster
Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 11:39

She has a 5 yr old girl a 12 yr old boy and a 17 yr old daughter who is due to give birth. She knows full well that he was married and as she has children of her own how in the world could she take someone else's husband/father. I know it's probably mostly his fault but she could have said no. Now my boy is withouth his dad.

OP posts:
JRHartley72 · 10/12/2022 11:52

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 11:39

She has a 5 yr old girl a 12 yr old boy and a 17 yr old daughter who is due to give birth. She knows full well that he was married and as she has children of her own how in the world could she take someone else's husband/father. I know it's probably mostly his fault but she could have said no. Now my boy is withouth his dad.

You don't know what he said to her, though. He could've said your marriage was over in all but name. He could've lied and said you were separated, then by the time he told her the truth she was already in too deep.

Your anger should be reserved for him.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 10/12/2022 11:56

@Mollylegs I'm sorry but I'm going to be blunt with you because you're having a pity party. I understand why, but you need to start pulling yourself together.

First of all, your son isn't without a dad. He still has one. Your son is also 18, an age at which many leave home and go to uni and don't see or speak to their parents for weeks on end.

Second, don't blame the affair partner. She owes you nothing. Your exH is the one that made the vows and broke them. She should never have been in the situation to need to say no. If she had he'd have moved on and found someone else to cheat on you with.

Third, you don't need to let them in at Christmas. They haven't even asked to come around. If they ask your son, he needs to tell them they need to speak to you. You can say no that doesn't work for you but son is happy to pop around after you've eaten.

Fourth, why did you accept money from his dad to buy him presents? You need to tell him you're no longer his wife and all responsibility for his own gift giving lies with him. If he doesn't want to do it he needs to find another mug like his mum or sister to do it for him.

I know you're sad and upset still but you need to accept and start making steps to move on. You're only hurting yourself and some of this is a situation of your own making because you're still taking your exH shit. You lament he won't talk to you, run errands when he deigned to grace you with a request. You could have sent MIL a text asking what time would be best on the afternoon for son to pop by to thank them for gifts rather than sitting anxious about what they may assume plans are. Those 3 times you saw MIL was it like normal or did you sit their and cry about hiw awfully her son was behaving?

Start taking the bull by its horns and assert yourself.

VanGoghsDog · 10/12/2022 11:57

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 10:45

He said he didn't know what to buy for his son but he had bought gifts for his bit on the sides children using our amazon account and said he couldn't understand why I was annoyed with him. He has a son who adores him and wants to see him but he doesn't seem to care now he has his new family.

Change the Amazon password!

JRHartley72 · 10/12/2022 12:07

On a previous thread you mentioned having a sister. Can you spend Xmas Day at hers? Get your DS to pop into his grandparents in the morning then drive there after that?

alasangne · 10/12/2022 12:16

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 11:39

She has a 5 yr old girl a 12 yr old boy and a 17 yr old daughter who is due to give birth. She knows full well that he was married and as she has children of her own how in the world could she take someone else's husband/father. I know it's probably mostly his fault but she could have said no. Now my boy is withouth his dad.

He's the one who left. Be angry at him.

And your boy isn't without a dad he's still alive.

aSofaNearYou · 10/12/2022 12:18

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 10/12/2022 11:56

@Mollylegs I'm sorry but I'm going to be blunt with you because you're having a pity party. I understand why, but you need to start pulling yourself together.

First of all, your son isn't without a dad. He still has one. Your son is also 18, an age at which many leave home and go to uni and don't see or speak to their parents for weeks on end.

Second, don't blame the affair partner. She owes you nothing. Your exH is the one that made the vows and broke them. She should never have been in the situation to need to say no. If she had he'd have moved on and found someone else to cheat on you with.

Third, you don't need to let them in at Christmas. They haven't even asked to come around. If they ask your son, he needs to tell them they need to speak to you. You can say no that doesn't work for you but son is happy to pop around after you've eaten.

Fourth, why did you accept money from his dad to buy him presents? You need to tell him you're no longer his wife and all responsibility for his own gift giving lies with him. If he doesn't want to do it he needs to find another mug like his mum or sister to do it for him.

I know you're sad and upset still but you need to accept and start making steps to move on. You're only hurting yourself and some of this is a situation of your own making because you're still taking your exH shit. You lament he won't talk to you, run errands when he deigned to grace you with a request. You could have sent MIL a text asking what time would be best on the afternoon for son to pop by to thank them for gifts rather than sitting anxious about what they may assume plans are. Those 3 times you saw MIL was it like normal or did you sit their and cry about hiw awfully her son was behaving?

Start taking the bull by its horns and assert yourself.

I agree with all this. I feel like this thread has slipped from the actual issue towards "how could that Harlot steal my man" - it's obvious your feelings are still all over the place which is understandable but this isn't helping you.

Original poster
Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 12:18

Sorry but I'm not sure where you got the information that they hadn't asked to come here at christmas, as it's wrong. Also I do think that she would have known our marraige wasn't over as she is part of the group of people who all go out together and know one another. Other people know we weren't on the rocks or unstable. Thanks for commenting

OP posts:
Original poster
Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 12:22

I just mean his dad has always been hands on and now he's all but disappeared. Even though his son is 18 he's still his son.

OP posts:
NoelNoNoel · 10/12/2022 12:22

As you’ve hardly seen them since your H left I think your DS popping over to them would be the best solution.

alasangne · 10/12/2022 12:23

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 12:22

I just mean his dad has always been hands on and now he's all but disappeared. Even though his son is 18 he's still his son.

Maybe if he sees him at christmas he'll realise he needs to step up

Original poster
Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 12:23

Hi JRHartley, yes I have a sisyer and we are going to go there after dinner to see her, it's just the morning I was dreading thank you x

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/12/2022 12:26

So have your ex inlaws asked to come to yours for Christmas or not? You say they wouldn’t come if invited but then imply they’ve actually asked to see you/your son at yours?

Needaholidaypronto · 10/12/2022 12:27

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 10:55

Yes his dad had given me money to buy gifts for him, he doesn't have time now apparently.

Buy a gift for your son from you. Return the money to his dad and tell him to buy his son a gift, why are you even entertaining this?

JRHartley72 · 10/12/2022 12:30

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 12:23

Hi JRHartley, yes I have a sisyer and we are going to go there after dinner to see her, it's just the morning I was dreading thank you x

That's lovely you're doing that, it'll give you something to focus on to get through the morning and look forward to. Flowers

Original poster
Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 12:37

Hi sorry if what I had written didn't make sense, they already think they are coming round as they have said so to my son. It is what has happened for well over 10 years and I know they are thinking the same this year. I've decided now that I'm going to tell them I don't want them to come, much as they are the grandparents they haven't been even a little bit kind at such an awful time.

OP posts:
ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 10/12/2022 12:41

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 12:18

Sorry but I'm not sure where you got the information that they hadn't asked to come here at christmas, as it's wrong. Also I do think that she would have known our marraige wasn't over as she is part of the group of people who all go out together and know one another. Other people know we weren't on the rocks or unstable. Thanks for commenting

In your earlier comment you said:

"I wouldn't have thought they would want to come saying as they have ignored me pretty much, but because they are buying him gifts and because his dad has given me money to buy gifts it seems they expect it"

That is they're assuming they can come not that they've asked to. Since they haven't asked you need to contact them and say "son wants to pop around christmas morning to say thank you for presents, would X time work". They say we thought we were coming round. You say they never asked to come around and you're not comfortable with it.