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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU christmas dilemma

75 replies

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 09:17

Hi, I was just hoping for some honest advice, if I;m the one being unreasonable I get it and I won't be offended. My husband left me a few months ago and he has someone else. We have been together 20 years and it's knocked me sideways. I still find it hard not to cry and his treatment of me hasn't helped. My dilemma is christmas day and seeing people. I was very close to my MIL and SIL, I would see her nearly everyday. Since my husband left I have not seen my SIL at all, my MIL about 3 times. I find it hard as I don't really have a family of my own, they have always been there. Normally my in laws always come round on christmas day in the morning to see our son and he can thank them for his gifts. His dad won't even speak to me via text message and has hardly seen his son since he left. My son is 18 so not a small child, AIBU in not wanting them in my home as I know I will end up in tears, my son has said he will go to see his dad and grandparents at their home, you can see their house from our house so it's not far. I just want to do the right thing for my son so if people think I should let them come then so be it, thanks in advance

OP posts:

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/12/2022 12:46

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 12:37

Hi sorry if what I had written didn't make sense, they already think they are coming round as they have said so to my son. It is what has happened for well over 10 years and I know they are thinking the same this year. I've decided now that I'm going to tell them I don't want them to come, much as they are the grandparents they haven't been even a little bit kind at such an awful time.

Sensible decision.

JRHartley72 · 10/12/2022 12:48

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 12:37

You should absolutely message them that now. Say your son will pop round to theirs in the morning before you head out for the day. Make it clear you have plans that don't include them.

Original poster

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 12:55

Hi Even more furious, my son is amazing and this would have been so hard without him. His dad has hurt us both a lot, I'm not looking forward to christmas but I will make sure my son has a lovely day regrdless. x

OP posts:

Original poster

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 12:58

hi Deeper than all roses. He still loves his dad very much, that's why I think its so awful that his dad is being a dick, you were right xx

OP posts:

gaf · 10/12/2022 13:02

You absolutely do not need to facilitate them on Christmas Day.

Telling them you don’t want them to come is the right thing to do. You only need to consider you and you son, no one else. Do what is best for you both, and don’t let anyone make you feel bad or guilt trip you either! Be strong.

Oh and change the Amazon password!

pigonalipstick · 10/12/2022 13:09

To be honest I would have them round and make sure they know the truth. If you were as close as you say, but they have dropped you, then they must think you're in the wrong

JRHartley72 · 10/12/2022 13:22

pigonalipstick · 10/12/2022 13:09

To be honest I would have them round and make sure they know the truth. If you were as close as you say, but they have dropped you, then they must think you're in the wrong

This is awful advice! Why should OP be nice to these cruel people in her own home??? They know she's not in the wrong, they know her H left her for another woman.

Christmaspass · 10/12/2022 13:40

What an achingly sad situation @Mollylegs but from what you write your son is clearly a very considerate young man. Take comfort in this because at the end of the day this is the most important thing and you have done - and are doing - a wonderful job being his mother.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/12/2022 13:47

I agree, you don't need to 'host' them at all. I know it's hard but this is the time to set new 'habits' and to 'whittle down' your involvement with your ex's family AND your 'responsibility' to your ex (you have none).

First, I'd return the money to your ex and tell him that it is no longer your place or responsibility to buy his gifts to give your DS.

Second, if I thought your ex-iL were the type to just 'drop in' on Xmas Day (rather than wait for an invite) I'd simply send them a message stating that, due to their son's behaviour, you are not up to 'receiving' anyone on Xmas Day. If on the other hand, they're waiting for an invite, then just let them wait. You don't have to explain to someone why you are not hosting them. I'm sure they aren't stupid, they'll know exactly why.

IMHO the more 'intertwined' you stay with your ex-iLs the harder it's going to be for you to recover and to form your own new independent life, and to seek your own happiness. Your DS is 18, he is old enough to form and maintain his own relationship with his dad and his dad's family.

Original poster

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 13:53

Hi Pig on a lipstick, we were very close but like people have said blood is stronger than water. They have decided they are in his camp. His mam did say him putting it on social media for us to see was wrong but other than that I don't have a clue what they are thinking.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 13:54

Thanks Gaf, all I want is a peaceful day x

OP posts:

Original poster

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 13:56

Thank you JRHarley x

OP posts:

Original poster

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 14:00

Thank you Christmas pass, My son is my main priority, that's why I think I feel so bad in not wanting them in my home because I know he loves them and them him, they have kind of just left me alone when even a text or a knock on the door considering they walk past everyday would have been nice x

OP posts:

Original poster

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 14:01

Thank you across the pond x

OP posts:

Readaboutyourself · 10/12/2022 14:01

YANBU. Cut the cord and exh is responsible for his family seeing DS,

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 10/12/2022 14:05

I feel for you OP, it must be hard. Echoing other posts, your son sounds lovely - ask him to let his dad's family know that you have made your own plans for Christmas but he will pop round on xx at xx time to see them and exchange gifts etc.

Return his dad's money and tell him he can either choose a gift for his son or give him money directly, but it is between him and his son. It is no longer your job to do things he dumps on you without your permission and it is not your concern how he manages his time.

Sort out your Amazon account. Have you separated finances? Are there any joint accounts linked to the account? Delete the whole account if you need to, but make sure you're not contributing to his shopping.

Plan lovely things for Christmas. Do different things - go for a lovely walk in the morning or have a soak in the bath with a glass of champagne while your son visits his relatives. Whatever floats your boat.

Whataretheodds · 10/12/2022 15:05

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/12/2022 10:37

Sounds like your son is very thoughtful. I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds extremely difficult.

his dad has given me money to buy gifts

I would be giving this money back. It is not your job to make your ex's life easier, nor to facilitate his relationship with his son when he can't be arsed. Tell him he'll have to give money or gifts direct to his son - you are not his go between.

This too

WakingUpDistress · 10/12/2022 16:05

So many things there.

1- it doesn’t matter what they expect from you. You need to do what works for YOU. And if they dint like it p, tough.
2- your ds is an adult. A young adult but still able to make some decisions if his own. Tell him the grand parents aren’t coming over this year. Ask him what he would like to do. Does he want to see them on Christmas Day? Or go and thank them the day after (or whenever it feels right fir him)?
3- send the money back to your ex. You’re not there anymore to do all the wife work. HE left. He is dealing with his child’s presents.
4- I assume the Amazon account is with your email address? Change the password.
5- if he is popping round, make sure it IS popping round and nit a 5mins visit than becomes 5 hours because everyone else is there, they’re just start Christmas meal and really he should be staying….

Just as it absolutely clear you love your ds and would do anything to make it easier fir him, the one thing you cannot do is make his dad a decent person. I’d leave your ex to deal with his relationship with his ds. And be there fir him.
Make new traditions TOGETHER. Sit down with and see what would make it a nice day for both if you,

WakingUpDistress · 10/12/2022 16:09

Fwiw I don’t think it’s a necessity to cut all contact with IL when you have been very close to them and have forged a relationship with them over many years.

HOWEVER, they have given you no sign that THEY want to carry in the relationship. They’ve switch ‘allegiance’ as soon as their own ds decided to leave after having an affair. It was THEIR choice. And in that particular situation, I wouldn’t try and save a relationship they have no interest in (regardless of the reason why)

Original poster

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 17:03

Hi, I just wanted to thank everyone for your help, I don't know how to tag poeple or whatever it is that your meant to do on here. My son is a very kind, caring lad and has been amazing through this even though he is trying to process it all himself. He loves his dad and his grandparents very much, we were all very close but they have made their choice and after all your advice I'm not going to have them over. My son is going to pop over in the morning and that will just have to be enough for them. Thanks for all the kindness and advice xx

OP posts:

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/12/2022 17:12

I hope the day goes well, OP, and there is lots of happiness in it.

Original poster

Mollylegs · 10/12/2022 18:12

Thank you Charlotte collins I hope so to

OP posts:

gaf · 10/12/2022 19:44

Don’t forget @Mollylegs your home is your safe space. You’re allowed whoever you wish into it and no one else. Don’t let anyone intrude. They may be his grandparents but they aren’t behaving as such and it’s not your job to facilitate their or your ex’s relationship with your DS in your own home.

JRHartley72 · 10/12/2022 19:54

I'm glad you can now see it's absolutely fine to refuse to host them. I hope you and your DS have a lovely day with your sister and that 2023 brings you better times.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/12/2022 00:17

Very wise decision @Mollylegs

Have a peaceful and lovely Xmas with your son.

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