Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner watching porn?

92 replies

DaisyDooxox · 09/12/2022 18:43

My partner and I don’t live together yet. We were talking yesterday and he mentioned that he watches porn - I can’t remember how the subject came up!

He was very open and honest about it and I understand that he has his needs when I am not there. But there is a tiny part of me that doesn’t know how to feel about it?!

I am interested to see other people’s opinions. Thanks!

OP posts:
amiold · 09/12/2022 19:54

@Zerogravity yeah I get your point. Can't much ethical porn and im sure a lot of girls in the industry don't really want to be

PlantsAndSpaniels · 09/12/2022 19:56

If he's watching it instead of having sex with you, then you have a problem. Watching it occasionally when you aren't around is normal. It sounds like you don't have a problem with porn but are comparing yourself to fantasies.

amiold · 09/12/2022 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/12/2022 19:58

amiold · 09/12/2022 19:14

Does everyone not watch porn?

I wouldn't be offended OP. Modern world and all that

Of course everyone doesn't watch it. I've seen one film, so old it was VHS when I was at school and my brother got it on in our house with his mates. I thought it a load of crap, objectifying and degrading. That was the 90s. Christ knows what it's like now.

Hayliebells · 09/12/2022 20:03

I do think most men watch porn. They might not all admit it, but most do. And most who watch porn will have perfectly healthy, normal, sex Iives. If you frame your opinion of him in that context, does it change your mind at all? Fair enough if it’s a deal breaker for you, that’s your prerogative, but just bare in mind that most of the very decent blokes that you know, probably watch porn.

Fentylipgloss · 09/12/2022 20:04

My ex was an avid porn viewer. He'd watch it frequently and send me links to things he wanted to do... that was such a turn off. He wanted me to be like these women and I was never going to be that. I started to despise him.

Tuilpmouse · 09/12/2022 20:38

amiold · 09/12/2022 19:14

Does everyone not watch porn?

I wouldn't be offended OP. Modern world and all that

To think this you can't have been on MN for long!

amiold · 09/12/2022 20:42

@Tuilpmouse I feel like mumsnet is a parallel universe sometimes.

I'm more shocked that people don't think many men watch porn. If you work in a male environment I'd say they openly admit it

Zanatdy · 09/12/2022 20:42

It wouldn’t bother me. As long as it wasn’t instead of having sex with me, or if I felt that he was expecting me to have ‘porn star sex’ - ie things I might not he comfortable with or if he was suggesting sex was boring with me compared to the porn. I mean we all know it’s not real life and some people do get off on watching porn. It’s quite normal.

thisbathiscoldnow · 09/12/2022 23:57

amiold · 09/12/2022 19:14

Does everyone not watch porn?

I wouldn't be offended OP. Modern world and all that

Thankfully not.

I just can't bring myself to have sex with someone who sits touching himself to strangers on the internet. Instant turn off for me.

Op, it's up to you how you feel about it. Unfortunately we live in a society where we've been told we have to be cool with it because 'all men do it' Well we don't, and they don't.

Barleysugar86 · 10/12/2022 00:01

It's never bothered me or him (we both watch it on our own sometimes). It's legal, he's an adult, it's not like he knows or would ever meet the actors.

augmum · 10/12/2022 00:20

Some people are more sexually explorative than others, you can have a great sex life and a great self love life too, they can go very nicely hand in hand.

The best thing I can tell you is it isn't gross but if it's not your vibe then that's fine it's just not your vibe, everyone has their own preferences sexually. It doesn't mean he is doing anything wrong it just means you both have some different turn ons. Maybe address it and say it's new to you and your unsure how to feel about it.

And just on another note for the thread, let's not shame women who enjoy sex enough to film it and sell it. They aren't shaming you for not having sex their way.

Gem123J · 10/12/2022 00:25

For some reason I wasn’t happy about my ex watching porn when we were together (we were together since I was 19 up until 24), however I’m fully aware that my husband watches porn occasionally, and I am fully comfortable with it, why with him and not my ex? Maybe I’m content and comfortable in my relationship. We don’t have sex as much as we used to (only once a week now), so I’m happy if he needs some relief occasionally, I do the same too! We still have a healthy sex life, even if it’s only once a week.

Bubblebo · 10/12/2022 01:28

@augmum
’And just on another note for the thread, let's not shame women who enjoy sex enough to film it and sell it. They aren't shaming you for not having sex their way’

many women who film sex and post it are not posting it because they ‘enjoy sex enough to post it ‘ surely you realise that there are a very wide variety of reasons for women posting beyond ‘ enjoying sex ‘ ie money , attention , and that’s only talking about those who want their images posted … not including revenge porn and no consentual material

i Don’t think anyones shaking those women
i do however think what IS shameful is platforms that allow underage or illegal content , or people who support such platforms ( even when they may be watching the adult women who want to post themselves such as you describe )

Its interesting to ask those who use porn if they can name a platform that hasn’t been caught with such stuff . They often think they can but if they bothered to do five minutes research they may very well find out otherwise.

Judgyjudgy · 10/12/2022 02:03

I wouldn't worry about it unless it really bothers you, I would say the majority of men watch porn at some stage.
The fact that brazilians are now the 'norm' is because of porn, in the 70s the magazines had full-on bush, (fashion trends all start somewhere) BlushGrinHmm

Bubblebo · 10/12/2022 02:18

Judgyjudgy · 10/12/2022 02:03

I wouldn't worry about it unless it really bothers you, I would say the majority of men watch porn at some stage.
The fact that brazilians are now the 'norm' is because of porn, in the 70s the magazines had full-on bush, (fashion trends all start somewhere) BlushGrinHmm

Because somethings are considered a ‘norm ‘ by some does that make it automatically make it something we should all be ok with ?

Bubblebo · 10/12/2022 02:25

Many people would argue that anal , choking , and men putting pressure on women to engage in things they don’t want to do are becoming more normalised through porn too.
Shouldn’t people do things they want to do
, not because of porn or pressure from a partner who’s influenced by porn ?
Should we consider porns influence as being healthy and call it normal ?

augmum · 10/12/2022 03:51

Bubblebo · 10/12/2022 01:28

@augmum
’And just on another note for the thread, let's not shame women who enjoy sex enough to film it and sell it. They aren't shaming you for not having sex their way’

many women who film sex and post it are not posting it because they ‘enjoy sex enough to post it ‘ surely you realise that there are a very wide variety of reasons for women posting beyond ‘ enjoying sex ‘ ie money , attention , and that’s only talking about those who want their images posted … not including revenge porn and no consentual material

i Don’t think anyones shaking those women
i do however think what IS shameful is platforms that allow underage or illegal content , or people who support such platforms ( even when they may be watching the adult women who want to post themselves such as you describe )

Its interesting to ask those who use porn if they can name a platform that hasn’t been caught with such stuff . They often think they can but if they bothered to do five minutes research they may very well find out otherwise.

I think your opinions of porn platforms and the industry are your opinions and it's not for you or your way of life. This Is obviously perfectly reasonable and understandable based off of what you feel about porn. Which is why I'm sure the OPs situation would be a deal breaker to you. However I do feel to insinuate people who do enjoy watching legal porn by them selves or other wise should not feel shame because of supporting platforms you disagree with.

I am very aware there are many situations of revenge porn however there are now many verifications in place to stop non consensual and underage illegal porn. Laws evolve and adapt, the sex industry and internet are fairly new in the grand scheme of things as is everybody having film equipment tidied in to a snazzy phone in their pockets. Protection of women in porn is fast evolving.

Many many women In the sex industry in 2022 enjoy where they are and are in control.

However regardless of our own personal opinions on pornographic platforms and their watchers, I think it's fair for the op to know this is a common occurrence in relationships, same and opposite sex and no body needs to judge their persons based off of someone else's personal standards of sex.

Sex has huge varities of turn ons and off and it's all about what works for them.

Khix · 10/12/2022 04:19

Watching porn is not a big deal if it’s not affecting your sex life. And he’s not getting off over an individual woman, he’s getting off over a scenario.

Bubblebo · 10/12/2022 05:02

@augmum

‘However I do feel to insinuate people who do enjoy watching legal porn by them selves or other wise should not feel shame because of supporting platforms you disagree with.’

no that’s twisting eh at I said is t it . I made it very clear that o feel supporting platforms that host illegal and non consentual material is , yes in my opinion something shameful

it’s not as simple as saying oh it’s changing

the actual facts are that many of these platforms HAVE been caught with that material

if you don’t think it’s shameful to
support them that’s your opinion but to
imoly it’s simply because of my opinioms
is misleading
any of these platforms have this material
people Can decide for themselves whether they think that’s a shameful thing to suport

whether I think it is or not
doesn’t change the facts … if someone is happy to suport it they need to at least admit that’s what they are doing.

Bubblebo · 10/12/2022 05:05

@augmum

a simple question would be do you agree that many platforms are caught with this material and are you ok with supporting them ?

Jennybeans401 · 10/12/2022 05:22

It's a bit of a turn off isn't it?! I'm not keen on it, lots of women are exploited through it, I wouldn't want a partner who is into it.

He's at least open about it but still, you need to think about whether you want this in your life

GoAgainstNicki · 10/12/2022 05:40

I personally couldn’t care less. I think it becomes an issue when a man starts paying for a ‘service.’ Whether that’s to experience ‘premium porn’ or chat with cam girls etc. Accessing free, legal porn doesn’t bother me at all.

However, I’m not you OP. If you don’t like it then you don’t have to stay with him

cherriegarcia · 10/12/2022 05:49

@augmum
I'm OK with it, my partner watches it and so do I.

However, it's naive to think that even platforms with regulations and verifications do not have unethical things slipping through. They do. The platforms are not closely monotoring every single video and directly asking the people in the video whether or not they consented (and even if they were to do that, it would be impossible to actually guarantee that people would tell the truth, for a multitude of reasons).

The fact is, no matter how many controls you have, it's pretty much impossible to make porn completely 100% ethical.

However, a lot of things are not ethical and involve huge amounts of horrific exploitation if you actually look at them. Coffee, chocolate, drugs of course.

It's all a balance and if you're using platforms with verifications etc then there is a better chance that it's OK - just like if you buy fairtrade coffee there's a better chance it's OK (but still not guaranteed).

Merlott · 10/12/2022 06:19

A man being horny isn't a "need" 🙄

Needs are things like air and food.

Not all men watch porn.

Not all men will try to force you during sex (manipulation or physical force) to perform sex acts you find unpleasant.

Not all men will pressure you for sex and sulk/punish if you don't perform the acts they want.

As PP said, something being the norm does not mean it's good or ok.

You decide where your boundaries are and you decide what to recognise as red flags.

Swipe left for the next trending thread