Derogatory Comments

[CantWait4Change]

Hi,

I've been with DP on and off for about a year now, things haven't always been plain sailing and we seem to be polar opposites of eachother. We don't share anything in common apart from a similar jagged childhood experience. I know opposites can attract but It's become clear that our views to a relationship are also very different.

He is very physical focused, he wants to touch constantly, is very sexual even in unrelated conversations and only ever compliments my appearance, for example if I asked why he loved/attracted to me he will rhyme off everything about my body that he likes. It doesn't make me feel beautiful it just makes me feel objectified. He never lists off anything I like or dislike, anything about my personality or unique traits. Birthday and Christmas presents are very much what he would like me to have such as underwear, skimpy clothes etc, rather than what I would actually want or like. If we are apart I will get messages only stating "I miss your sexy ass, I miss kissing you" never just I miss you. Sex is also all about him getting off, there's no foreplay (if there is it's limited to a brief touch), it's always fast and at times rough, I prefer some passion and to perhaps start slow then take it up a level but very rarely i finish and he doesn't seem to care about my enjoyment/fulfillment. It doesn't make me feel very nice at all.

I on the other hand struggle with the lack of communication and emotional aspects of the relationship. I find myself having to make all the decisions, initiate conversation, tell him in specific words when I need support and how I want to be supported or comforted, etc (and still then he'd rather do other things than be present with me).

The constant physical and derogatory comments are becoming too much especially without anything emotional, I feel like he's only with me for my body and that's all he actually likes about me because he doesn't seem to be aware or interested in anything in depth about me or who I actually am.

Is this normal? How do I get things to change to feel more important and actually like a person in this relationship or am I just flogging a dead horse?

Only been a year.
Too much incompatibility.
Too much navel gazing.
Should still be fun.
It is possible to have fun and deep, sometimes at the same time, sometimes not.

Yes you are flogging a dead horse.
No you are not unusual

There are no rules. What's acceptable in my house might not be in yours. What's not allowed in my house might be a preferred behaviour in yours.

All the things that aren't acceptable in a relationship are not acceptable because they feel bad to the recipient, so, if we use the 'does this feel bad?' metric, we don't have to worry about 'normal'. Normal works both ways: it can help you to reject behaviour you don't like, but it can also convince you to accept what you don't like, because it's 'normal'. That's why it's dangerous.

If OP only sticks with people who make her consistently happy, she won't be posting here anymore, and 'normal' doesn't have to come into it.

I've read posts on here that have said stuff along the lines of "it's their love language, it's normal, it just doesn't match yours but you should atleast try and compromise, be less needy

People treat this whole love language thing as if it's a scientific fact. Honestly people are so bloody dim.

It's true that a level of comformise and understanding is required in a marriage, but there's only so much a person can go without having their own needs met naturally. If you're person who really likes physical affection for example, do you really want to be cuddled by someone who just doesn't mind it, who's doing you a favour. People want a shared experience with the other person, and that's fine.

I feel like he's only with me for my body and that's all he actually likes about me because he doesn't seem to be aware or interested in anything in depth about me or who I actually am

Is this normal? How do I get things to change to feel more important and actually like a person in this relationship

It's not unusual, and unfortunately, women only find out that their other half regards them as a household applicants or arm candy/sex object when either they fall ill or have children.

I'm afraid it's entirely possible that he's with you mainly for your body. It's the number 1 thing on some men's list. On that list they'll be looking for someone who isn't totally mad, a liability, and they'll want someone who is far more giving and sensitive to their needs than they ever plan to be in return.

What do his actions tell you? Is this the behaviour of someone of someone who values their partner's personality as much as their looks?

household appliance*