Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Derogatory Comments

54 replies

CantWait4Change · 08/12/2022 15:13

Hi,

I've been with DP on and off for about a year now, things haven't always been plain sailing and we seem to be polar opposites of eachother. We don't share anything in common apart from a similar jagged childhood experience. I know opposites can attract but It's become clear that our views to a relationship are also very different.

He is very physical focused, he wants to touch constantly, is very sexual even in unrelated conversations and only ever compliments my appearance, for example if I asked why he loved/attracted to me he will rhyme off everything about my body that he likes. It doesn't make me feel beautiful it just makes me feel objectified. He never lists off anything I like or dislike, anything about my personality or unique traits. Birthday and Christmas presents are very much what he would like me to have such as underwear, skimpy clothes etc, rather than what I would actually want or like. If we are apart I will get messages only stating "I miss your sexy ass, I miss kissing you" never just I miss you. Sex is also all about him getting off, there's no foreplay (if there is it's limited to a brief touch), it's always fast and at times rough, I prefer some passion and to perhaps start slow then take it up a level but very rarely i finish and he doesn't seem to care about my enjoyment/fulfillment. It doesn't make me feel very nice at all.

I on the other hand struggle with the lack of communication and emotional aspects of the relationship. I find myself having to make all the decisions, initiate conversation, tell him in specific words when I need support and how I want to be supported or comforted, etc (and still then he'd rather do other things than be present with me).

The constant physical and derogatory comments are becoming too much especially without anything emotional, I feel like he's only with me for my body and that's all he actually likes about me because he doesn't seem to be aware or interested in anything in depth about me or who I actually am.

Is this normal? How do I get things to change to feel more important and actually like a person in this relationship or am I just flogging a dead horse?

OP posts:
Liveafr · 08/12/2022 15:21

I can't see that relationship going anywhere.

KirstenBlest · 08/12/2022 15:23

Just bin him

Ladybug14 · 08/12/2022 15:25

He won't change. Why are you with him?

yellowsmileyface · 08/12/2022 15:26

On and off for a year? I think it's time to call it a day. Relationships aren't supposed to be that difficult.

It's clearly a physical relationship for him, and you can't force an emotional connection where there isn't one.

FettleOfKish · 08/12/2022 15:26

Is this normal? How do I get things to change to feel more important and actually like a person in this relationship

No it's not, and by binning him off and finding someone decent. They do exist, I promise x

Christmaspass · 08/12/2022 15:33

He sounds narcissistic.

wednesday32 · 08/12/2022 15:41

this is not normal for a relationship and to be feeling like this only a year in, imagine how worse it will be in five years time. You're wasting your time with him, and he is also wasting your time. Get rid.

Original poster
CantWait4Change · 08/12/2022 15:43

He keeps telling me that I am asking for too much, that he's not a mind reader and at times I've sat in stone wall silence for hours expecting him to initiate a conversation instead of just cuddling, etc but when I say something he says Im nagging him to be more vocal or emotionally involved. He wants me to spell everything out for him but when i do it makes no difference. I feel really awkward sitting in silence, objectified by the constant sexual comments or ones about my body and like we are just strangers sitting in a room. There's not much we do that I couldn't do on my own.

I suppose I do at times feel like I am asking for too much emotional investment but that's because I'm getting none at all.

I just wonder if maybe its a me thing, the fact we are opposite people or if there is actually something wrong with him, like is this a red flag? Or just a yellow one because we just aren't compatible?

OP posts:
Keroppi · 08/12/2022 15:51

Get rid, you are not compatible and you need to work on your self-esteem! You will feel so much more freer and confident single. I don't know that there is anything seriously wrong with him except selfishness, possible porn addiction (?) and a lack of emotional intelligence.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2022 15:55

He's shit at communicating and shit in bed. Is that normal? No. I mean at least be good at one.

Why are you having shit sex? There is good sex out there.

DatingDinosaur · 08/12/2022 16:16

“Is this normal?”

No, it’s not normal.
“How do I get things to change to feel more important and actually like a person in this relationship”

You don’t.

“or am I just flogging a dead horse?”

Yes.

He’s just a bloke who isn’t ready to settle down yet. The only "flag" I’m seeing is that you’re staying with him and wanting him to be somebody he’s not.

Gunner1510 · 08/12/2022 16:18

It seems like you are just a commodity for him to get off. He doesn’t value you for anything else.

Don’t blame you for feeling the way you do, I’d move on if I were you, the sex is the only thing and that’s terrible so doesn’t sound like you get anything out of this.

UglyNameChange · 08/12/2022 16:24

Oh, I’m sorry op, this - well, he, sounds horrible.

Your post has summarized my nightmare relationship!
If you can call it that.

DurhamDurham · 08/12/2022 16:24

I mean if it's like this when you're only a year in it can only go downhill.

Leave him now before you waste too much time on a relationship which doesn't stand a chance.

billy1966 · 08/12/2022 16:30

Keroppi · 08/12/2022 15:51

Get rid, you are not compatible and you need to work on your self-esteem! You will feel so much more freer and confident single. I don't know that there is anything seriously wrong with him except selfishness, possible porn addiction (?) and a lack of emotional intelligence.

This.

He is treating you like a piece of meat.

You desperately need to raise your relationship bar, because it is unbelievably low.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you find some self esteem but first dump this creepy sex pest who treats you like meat.

layladomino · 08/12/2022 16:34

No this isn't normal!

He sounds self-centred, selfish and immature.

Read your post back, and ask yourself 'is this who I dreamed of as being my life partner?'

A year in to a relationship you're usually in the loved up / still trying to impress each other honeymoon phase. Whereas you've had 'ups and downs' with a man who is selfish, in bed and out, the sex is bad, you feel used, he doesn't notice who you are, only what you look like, he doesn't value or respect you as a person, he just sees your body which he appears to think is there for his use and pleasure.

This is far from normal. He's trying to convince you that's what relationships are like and they aren't. They really aren't. He's either doing that to deliberately mislead you so you stay with him for his own selfish reasons (despite him knowing he isn't giving much and is being selfish) OR he is clueless and incapable of a grown up respectful relationship.

Either way he's bad news and you would be well rid.

IsThePopeCatholic · 08/12/2022 16:46

He sounds really creepy. Do yourself a favour and dump him.

Irridescantshimmmer · 08/12/2022 16:48

No its abnormal.

He's using you and thats why you are feeling deflated and objectified.

I think the only reason he's buying you skimpy outfits as gifts is to make you attractive to him and not for you.

He's probably selfish and immature.

I'd drop him like a lead balloon.

SomeBeings · 08/12/2022 16:49

It's doesn't really make any difference as to the reasons why the relationship isn't working but it's very clearly NOT working. Bin him and move on.

In future relationships make sure you don't put up with crap like this

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2022 16:57

Bin this man off before he does your self worth any more damage. This is not going to improve any a year in and this is who he really is.

Examine far more closely what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and get therapy to unlearn all the crap. I do not think you have any idea at all what a mutually respectful relationship is and what you have described is certainly not it.

Enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and seek therapy re your own jagged childhood experience if you have not already embarked on this. Your childhood has certainly had a bearing on why you chose this person to be in a relationship with in the first place.

Jux · 08/12/2022 17:02

Oh poppet, this is not a relationship.

Original poster
CantWait4Change · 08/12/2022 17:02

Thank you for all your comments.

Moving forward, I'm inclined to ask if is what I want emotionally/communication wise in a relationship unreasonable? Because I'm unsure if that is also something I need to work on. I feel that there should be equal measures of everything (physical,emotional, sexual,etc) in a relationship not just 1 more so over the other.

I've read posts on here that have said stuff along the lines of "it's their love language, it's normal, it just doesn't match yours but you should atleast try and compromise, be less needy" etc.

OP posts:
Jux · 08/12/2022 17:04

What you want from a relationship is what a relationship worth having actually is.

knittingaddict · 08/12/2022 17:04

He sounds awful and it isn't normal. He will destroy your self esteem if you stay with him.

RishisProudMum · 08/12/2022 17:22

Are you very young, OP? Is this your first relationship? Why are you in it, exactly? It’s not bringing you any joy, so what are you persevering for? Just to not be single?

He’s an arsehole who, from the sounds of it, neither likes nor respects you. You are naturally unhappy.

There is no need to overanalyse this, pathologise it or shroud it in the language of therapy speak. If people aren’t nice to you, do not date them. If someone isn’t interested in giving you sexual pleasure, do not have sex with that person. If you tell someone that you’re unhappy about a certain behaviour and they don’t address it, you leave.

It is genuinely that simple.