Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Derogatory Comments

54 replies

CantWait4Change · 08/12/2022 15:13

Hi,

I've been with DP on and off for about a year now, things haven't always been plain sailing and we seem to be polar opposites of eachother. We don't share anything in common apart from a similar jagged childhood experience. I know opposites can attract but It's become clear that our views to a relationship are also very different.

He is very physical focused, he wants to touch constantly, is very sexual even in unrelated conversations and only ever compliments my appearance, for example if I asked why he loved/attracted to me he will rhyme off everything about my body that he likes. It doesn't make me feel beautiful it just makes me feel objectified. He never lists off anything I like or dislike, anything about my personality or unique traits. Birthday and Christmas presents are very much what he would like me to have such as underwear, skimpy clothes etc, rather than what I would actually want or like. If we are apart I will get messages only stating "I miss your sexy ass, I miss kissing you" never just I miss you. Sex is also all about him getting off, there's no foreplay (if there is it's limited to a brief touch), it's always fast and at times rough, I prefer some passion and to perhaps start slow then take it up a level but very rarely i finish and he doesn't seem to care about my enjoyment/fulfillment. It doesn't make me feel very nice at all.

I on the other hand struggle with the lack of communication and emotional aspects of the relationship. I find myself having to make all the decisions, initiate conversation, tell him in specific words when I need support and how I want to be supported or comforted, etc (and still then he'd rather do other things than be present with me).

The constant physical and derogatory comments are becoming too much especially without anything emotional, I feel like he's only with me for my body and that's all he actually likes about me because he doesn't seem to be aware or interested in anything in depth about me or who I actually am.

Is this normal? How do I get things to change to feel more important and actually like a person in this relationship or am I just flogging a dead horse?

OP posts:

Original poster

CantWait4Change · 08/12/2022 17:29

@RishisProudMum I'm 26 and dp is 40. It's not my first relationship no but even the worst one was better than this current one. There is alot of history between me and dp, in and out of the relationship, as I've known him for 10 years but I have been reflecting on it all and I am abit concerned that I'm staying involved because of a trauma bond/Stockholm syndrome sort of thing rather than anything else.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 08/12/2022 17:30

You can't be 'wrong' about what you want in a relationship. You don't have to 'work on' anything.

Find a relationship with someone who meets your needs. That's it. Stop trying to make it about faults in you.

Buildingthefuture · 08/12/2022 17:32

This is the second thread I’ve read on here recently about men who don’t care if you finish or enjoy sex. I honestly haven’t been with a man like that since I was about 18. Admittedly, I’ve been married a long time, but DH isn’t my first rodeo! So no, it’s absolutely not normal. Why would you keep having shit sex with a man you don’t really like? He’s focused solely on himself and is bringing nothing to your table. Throw this one back.

category12 · 08/12/2022 17:34

RishisProudMum · 08/12/2022 17:22

Are you very young, OP? Is this your first relationship? Why are you in it, exactly? It’s not bringing you any joy, so what are you persevering for? Just to not be single?

He’s an arsehole who, from the sounds of it, neither likes nor respects you. You are naturally unhappy.

There is no need to overanalyse this, pathologise it or shroud it in the language of therapy speak. If people aren’t nice to you, do not date them. If someone isn’t interested in giving you sexual pleasure, do not have sex with that person. If you tell someone that you’re unhappy about a certain behaviour and they don’t address it, you leave.

It is genuinely that simple.

This.

Stop trying to make this work.

There are loads of men out there, and plenty will not constantly objectify you, and will try to please you in bed.

And as for compromising on what you need in a relationship? No. Aim to find someone you're basically compatible with, with whom just talking is easy, who makes you feel desirable but also treats you like a person, and an interesting and fun person at that.

Of course there will be compromises during a relationship, but you shouldn't start off on completely different pages, trying to make the other person something else.

Your current fella neither knows or cares for you, you're just a body.

Gunner1510 · 08/12/2022 17:48

He’s known you since you were 16…. Ew.

He sounds like a complete creep I’m afraid and he is just using you by the sounds of it, you are much younger than him, I’m also guessing you are probably more attractive than him, so it probably massages his ego and he can brag to all his mates about what a stud he is.

You are not being unreasonable for wanting something more or different, you are so young you have plenty of time to find someone who you are compatible with.

And put it this way, in another 10 years you’ll be 36 and he’ll be 50, do you still want to be in this position then?

RelapsedChocoholic · 08/12/2022 17:49

You’ve known him since you were 16, and he was 30?

That is a massive red flag to me

Re love languages- giving him
the benefit of the doubt that his is touch, that’s not the same as what you’re describing. (it does not
mean just sex, and definitely not just sex where only he gets his jollies)

I mean this kindly - I think you should want better for yourself, whether this is ‘normal’ for anyone else or not.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2022 17:54

RelapsedChocoholic · 08/12/2022 17:49

You’ve known him since you were 16, and he was 30?

That is a massive red flag to me

I mean this kindly - I think you should want better for yourself, whether this is ‘normal’ for anyone else or not.

That exactly.

You've been groomed OP.

Myrevengewillbesweet · 08/12/2022 17:57

Run like fuck

Fenella123 · 08/12/2022 18:04

the horse is dead, leave it be
relationships are supposed to be a positive addition to your life. A happy thing. My OH has various quirks and imperfections BUT, crucially, none that bother me at all. I think he's lovely. Surely that's the sort of thing you want, no?

Bananalanacake · 08/12/2022 18:52

Hopefully you don't live with him so he should be easier to get rid of.

FettleOfKish · 08/12/2022 19:08

You met him when you were 16 and he was 30?? I've just been sick in my mouth.

Everything you've already said has become 100x worse with that knowledge.

Not only is he emotionally stunted and a sex pest, he's also a perverted creep. He's a walking red flag.

Fucking RUN OP and don't look back. Christ.

Readaboutyourself · 08/12/2022 19:10

Dead horse.

If you’re on and off in the first year, the time you’re meant to be all over each other, what’s the point? Waste of time.

Sunnytwobridges · 08/12/2022 19:22

Please leave him, he sounds just like my ex. Everything was focused on sex. All compliments were sexual, never anything about my personality. Didn't remember much about me unless it was sexual and had no interest in me outside of that whatsoever. I stayed for almost 10 years, and I wish I'd left him a year in.

unsync · 08/12/2022 19:24

Please leave this person, he is abusing you. He does not see you as a person, you are just a bit of property that he can do with as he pleases. If you contact Women's Aid, they can help you learn how to have healthy relationships.

pointythings · 09/12/2022 09:12

Normal is a relationship where you are friends as well as lovers. Normal is where you can sit and talk about stuff for hours. Normal is where your pleasure in bed means as much as his does. Normal is where you actually take notice of each other so that you know each other's likes and dislikes, and where a present you give is actually for the other person, not to please yourself.

Normal is the opposite of this relationship. Dump him.

Watchkeys · 09/12/2022 09:38

I think 'normal' is a dangerous metric to use. Do what feels good, and don't continue with things that don't feel good. Then you can create your own 'normal' based on you, rather than trying to follow what other people like/other people's habits/behaviours.

Unless we want to be Mr/s Normal (how boring), we need to do things in our own quirky ways, and avoid people who don't like that.

pointythings · 09/12/2022 10:31

@Watchkeys I agree with that, but it is useful to know that there are certain things that aren't acceptable in a relationship. OP appears to be experiencing a lot of those.

OldFan · 09/12/2022 12:02

I was in a relationship with the exact same age gap as you @CantWait4Change at your age, and the only positive comment the bloke could think of about me was 'she has a nice bum.'

He didn't appreciate me as a person, and took me for granted.

Also, it is quite an age difference and became more obvious over the years.

Bin, please.

Fairislefandango · 09/12/2022 12:11

Are you very young, OP? Is this your first relationship? Why are you in it, exactly? It’s not bringing you any joy, so what are you persevering for? Just to not be single?

He’s an arsehole who, from the sounds of it, neither likes nor respects you. You are naturally unhappy.

There is no need to overanalyse this, pathologise it or shroud it in the language of therapy speak. If people aren’t nice to you, do not date them. If someone isn’t interested in giving you sexual pleasure, do not have sex with that person. If you tell someone that you’re unhappy about a certain behaviour and they don’t address it, you leave.

It is genuinely that simple.

^ 100% all of this. I feel like exactly this should be posted in response to about 75% of all the OPs on the Relationships board!

layladomino · 09/12/2022 12:17

Ask yourself why you are in this relationship.

When you choose to be in a relationship, it should be because it makes your life better, enriched, happier (and vice versa of course). Otherwise, what is the point? Being in a couple doesn't protect you from unhappiness in life. It doesn't guarantee you'll skip through life hand in hand, gazing at each other adoringly every day. But it should guarantee that you have someone who has your back, someone you can rely on through thick and thin, someone you love (and who loves you) even on those days when you don't much like each other. Someone who respects you and treats you as their equal. Someone who builds you up and thinks you're great.

If your relationship isn't making your life better then what is the point of it? In your case it's actually making you miserable.

Being single is 1000 times better than being with someone who doesn't show you love and care.

At best, you are very mismatched. At worst, he's selfish, cruel and doesn't care about your feelings. Don't question how you feel about this. Why would anyone want to be with someone who treats them like a 'think' they can enjou owning? You would be mad to accept being partnered with someone who treats you as badly as he treats you. You deserve much, much better.

janeeyreair · 09/12/2022 12:27

The best advice I ever read was actually on MN.

You be you and they be themselves, (sorry grammatically that sounds awful, but you get the gist). Nobody has to try, it just works.

When I think of my friends and family the people who have good relationships don't really talk about them, the endless analysing, drama and issues is always the ones who have awful relationships.

Although Ive been single for the majority of my life, so what do I know!

piedbeauty · 09/12/2022 12:31

Just bin him. He sounds vile.

piedbeauty · 09/12/2022 12:33

Why are you staying with him? Why haven't you dumped him by now? What does he say if you tell him to stop objectifying you?

Just seen that he's 40. 40!!! He won't change. You are much younger - you have all your life ahead of you.

Relationships are really not supposed to be this much hard work.

Magicpaintbrush · 09/12/2022 12:54

What he wants is a blow up sex doll, not a human being. And the 16/30 age gap??????? You have been groomed OP.

He sounds like a predatory male whose only interest is sex and his own pleasure. He is vile. There are a gazillion better men out there than him, please don't waste another second with this creep!! When you're young you can't always see it, but one day you will look back and it will all be crystal clear. He not looking for love and companionship like you are, and he just wants to get hid dick wet. He is horrible. Run like the wind!!

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 09/12/2022 17:03

No point in trying to polish a turd OP.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread