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Original poster

He went to sleep

112 replies

SeveruslyFrazzled · 08/12/2022 13:34

Ive name changed but been here for a good 9 years.

I just want a reality check to see how other people would feel. My husband and I have been struggling for a few years. I feel he puts his needs first, then the kids and then mine. He would dispute this. We nearly split up in March this year but he promised he would help more around the house and with finances. He went self employed. It tanked and we now have no savings and more debt. He’s done this in fits and starts but can’t seem to keep it up I.e the helping.

Ive been really quite unwell with some random virus. Couldn’t stop coughing. Couldn’t breathe well. Not Covid.

I had to go to the out of hours doctors twice but this is what happened the last time.

id been cooking a joint if meat despite being ill in the slow cooker for most of the day whilst I looked after the kids. He came home said I looked awful and told me to go to bed and that he would take over.

He then (he’s actually a very good cook) butchered the joint, served watery tasteless potatoes and it was just all shit. I was quite upset as moneys been tight and it was a treat and because I know he can do better. And because he’s the one who told me to go to bed! He later admitted he hadn’t wanted to cook so hadn’t given it his full attention.

So we argued about his lack of care but managed to resolve it.

Called 111 as I couldn’t breath and if anything the steroids and inhaler wasn’t working. They wanted to send an ambulance. I declined this because I wasn’t at deaths door just needed better medication.

I managed to get an out of hours GP appointment at 1.45am. We have young children so he stayed with them and I drove down to the doctors and managed to get in. It did involve me walking down a quiet street, in the cold and dark and no one except my husband knew I had gone. He said he would stay up and wait but might fall asleep on the sofa.

Doctor wasn’t listening to me. Kept putting me down when I said the nebuliser was making my chest feel tighter not better. He prescribed more steroids and antibiotics and urged me to be checked for asthma.

I got home at 3.30am. My husband had locked up the house. Tuned all the lights off except the patio. Put the dog to bed with the radio and took himself to bed because he was cold. He fell asleep and didn’t know I was home. I’ve been sleeping on the sofa as can’t lay flat.

How would you have felt? I know I wouldn’t have been able to have done that. I’d have been worried and waiting.

He was the only one who knew I was out. I could have had an accident… anything could have happened and no one would have known.

He says he didn’t mean to fall asleep… but I just can’t get over the fact he turned everything off and locked up like he intended to go to bed.

I’ve said our marriage is now over because I feel there is no care. No base line level of care.

im now worried I am making a mountain out of a mole hill And doubting myself. I don’t think this is working for either of us. But the kids :( that’s the only reason I’ve stayed and because I’m scared to be alone but mostly the kids.

sorry it’s so long.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/12/2022 13:42

Hmm I'm not sure on the falling asleep thing, DH just can't stay awake when he needs to sleep. I'd like to think he'd be on sofa with the duvet fast asleep waiting for me to see how I was though.

The rest of though he sounds rather crap and as you said lacking in care.

Original poster
SeveruslyFrazzled · 08/12/2022 13:49

I think it’s more that he “turned in” for the night than the falling asleep. I don’t think I would have felt half as hurt if he just fell asleep on the sofa.

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 08/12/2022 13:52

Got to be honest, I don't think I would have sat up and waited for my DH! I'd have done the same, turned everything off and gone to bed. Doesn't mean I don't care about him, he'd wake me up when he got in if he wanted to.

toomuchlaundry · 08/12/2022 13:52

I assume this just sums up his whole attitude

itwasntmetho · 08/12/2022 13:57

Add a stand alone thing these wouldn’t push me to end something good, but a series of these things isn’t anything brilliant. Would he consider counselling?

ImustLearn2Cook · 08/12/2022 13:58

I get why you feel the way you do. He could have texted or called you to check that you were ok before he took himself off to bed. But then I have no idea how tired he was and some people just don’t think clearly when they are so tired they can barely stay awake.

Does he do any other nice or kind little gestures to show you that he cares, that you matter?

If he never really does then it’s understandable that you feel the way you do.

Also, offering to continue cooking a meal that you had already invested effort in while sick so you could rest is nice until he sabotaged it by being completely half arsed about it. So, instead of sick wife enjoying a tasty nourishing meal that makes her feel better, she’s served a watery tasteless meal. That’s not very nice. I would be upset too.

It’s awful being sick, I hope you get better soon 💐

Prinnny · 08/12/2022 13:58

I think you are overreacting on that one incident but it sounds like it’s the straw that broke the camels back.

ApolloandDaphne · 08/12/2022 13:58

Divorce seems a massive leap for him literally going to bed because he was cold and tired. I would have done the same.

dudsville · 08/12/2022 14:00

I'm not sure. We don't have kids, when you do i know everyone needs sleep so it has to be prioritised. For us though, i would have gone with him and failing that i would have been listening out for his return so i could make a cuppa and debrief when my oH got home.

I've certainly made some not great food in my time, it's not out of malice, but i can't just produce steady quality food!

You're ill and tired and not feeling thought about and looked after, I get that, but it sounds like you have better examples of this over time.

Onnabugeisha · 08/12/2022 14:08

Youre being over critical OP and your accusations are baseless.

He came home said I looked awful and told me to go to bed and that he would take over. This is evidence he does care and puts you and the kids ahead of himself.

You then complain about the dinner he finished cooking, got upset and argued with him about his “lack of care”? I’m sorry this is abusive, not every day is a good cooking day. You don’t need to be grateful or sing his praises, but honestly he’s taking care of you, the kids and making dinner and you just manufactured an argument out of thin air.

I got home at 3.30am. My husband had locked up the house. Tuned all the lights off except the patio. Put the dog to bed with the radio and took himself to bed because he was cold. He fell asleep and didn’t know I was home. I’ve been sleeping on the sofa as can’t lay flat. How would you have felt? I know I wouldn’t have been able to have done that. I’d have been worried and waiting.

You declined an ambulance and went to the GP as you said in your own words you were not that sick. What is there for him to sit up and worry about? He left the patio light on for you. I certainly would not expect my DH to sit up until gone 3am waiting for me. I’d want him to take himself to bed because he’d either have work the next morning OR the kids to get up with in the morning, or both.

I feel sorry for your husband. You are being very unreasonable.

NoDatingForOldMen · 08/12/2022 14:08

I wouldn’t have sat up and waited either, house gets bloody cold at night, but I might have texted at say 2am to see what time you might have been home

category12 · 08/12/2022 14:11

I think it's pretty off to turn in for the night, while you're out at the doctor's in the middle of the night.

Coming back to a dark house and no-one up must have been quite upsetting.

I'd have waited up, or napped on the sofa in his place.

category12 · 08/12/2022 14:13

On the one incident, no I wouldn't end a marriage, but when it's the latest episode in years and years of not feeling valued, I can see why it's the tipping point for you.

Original poster
SeveruslyFrazzled · 08/12/2022 14:16

Maybe my expectations are unrealistic then. Perhaps it’s me that’s over giving and he is normal. I’ll have to think about this.

The lack of care is a running theme. For example with anything he decides he has no interest in or doesn’t want to do… even if it needs to be done, it’ll be done badly or with little care.

Perhaps we just have a mismatch of standards.

OP posts:
category12 · 08/12/2022 14:19

Strategic incompetence.

Original poster
SeveruslyFrazzled · 08/12/2022 14:22

Onnabugeisha · 08/12/2022 14:08

Youre being over critical OP and your accusations are baseless.

He came home said I looked awful and told me to go to bed and that he would take over. This is evidence he does care and puts you and the kids ahead of himself.

You then complain about the dinner he finished cooking, got upset and argued with him about his “lack of care”? I’m sorry this is abusive, not every day is a good cooking day. You don’t need to be grateful or sing his praises, but honestly he’s taking care of you, the kids and making dinner and you just manufactured an argument out of thin air.

I got home at 3.30am. My husband had locked up the house. Tuned all the lights off except the patio. Put the dog to bed with the radio and took himself to bed because he was cold. He fell asleep and didn’t know I was home. I’ve been sleeping on the sofa as can’t lay flat. How would you have felt? I know I wouldn’t have been able to have done that. I’d have been worried and waiting.

You declined an ambulance and went to the GP as you said in your own words you were not that sick. What is there for him to sit up and worry about? He left the patio light on for you. I certainly would not expect my DH to sit up until gone 3am waiting for me. I’d want him to take himself to bed because he’d either have work the next morning OR the kids to get up with in the morning, or both.

I feel sorry for your husband. You are being very unreasonable.

I didn’t say I wasn’t very ill. My peak flow was 200 and it took me three hours to pack away the food shopping delivery because I couldn’t breathe properly. I said I wasn’t at deaths door. I’ve actually never felt as poorly in my life… even with Covid.

I do accept that I might be over critical though. I am judging him on how I would have acted which is completely differently.

OP posts:
startfresh · 08/12/2022 14:22

Onnabugeisha · 08/12/2022 14:08

Youre being over critical OP and your accusations are baseless.

He came home said I looked awful and told me to go to bed and that he would take over. This is evidence he does care and puts you and the kids ahead of himself.

You then complain about the dinner he finished cooking, got upset and argued with him about his “lack of care”? I’m sorry this is abusive, not every day is a good cooking day. You don’t need to be grateful or sing his praises, but honestly he’s taking care of you, the kids and making dinner and you just manufactured an argument out of thin air.

I got home at 3.30am. My husband had locked up the house. Tuned all the lights off except the patio. Put the dog to bed with the radio and took himself to bed because he was cold. He fell asleep and didn’t know I was home. I’ve been sleeping on the sofa as can’t lay flat. How would you have felt? I know I wouldn’t have been able to have done that. I’d have been worried and waiting.

You declined an ambulance and went to the GP as you said in your own words you were not that sick. What is there for him to sit up and worry about? He left the patio light on for you. I certainly would not expect my DH to sit up until gone 3am waiting for me. I’d want him to take himself to bed because he’d either have work the next morning OR the kids to get up with in the morning, or both.

I feel sorry for your husband. You are being very unreasonable.

This sums up how I think. Also, did he go to bed with the intention of watching tv and waiting up but comfy, and fell asleep.
Did you message to let him know you were there safely?

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 08/12/2022 14:23

Done badly in your opinion, but maybe not his.
Perhaps accepting that something has been done well enough might help reduce your stress levels.

thedancingbear · 08/12/2022 14:23

'My missus cooked us a roast the other day, and it wasn't up to her usual standards. Watery spuds etc. Then I had to go to the out of hours doctor and when I got in at 3am she was asleep! Should I leave the uncaring cow?'

category12 · 08/12/2022 14:28

thedancingbear · 08/12/2022 14:23

'My missus cooked us a roast the other day, and it wasn't up to her usual standards. Watery spuds etc. Then I had to go to the out of hours doctor and when I got in at 3am she was asleep! Should I leave the uncaring cow?'

It's different falling asleep while waiting, than turning everything off, locking up the house and going to bed.

And this is not an isolated incident in a marriage but an ongoing situation of feeling deprioritised over years.

SalviaOfficinalis · 08/12/2022 14:32

If I was very ill and out on my own in the middle of the night I don’t think my husband would go to sleep for the night until I was safely home.

However OP, I can see how others may have a different opinion.

It’s clearly not just one isolated incident though. You feel that he doesn’t have any consideration or care for you, and that’s “reason” enough to consider the relationship.

Onnabugeisha · 08/12/2022 14:33

@category12
It's different falling asleep while waiting, than turning everything off, locking up the house and going to bed.

Yes it is different. Falling asleep with lights blazing and the house unlocked is wasteful £ wise and the OP said money was tight. It is also risky security wise for you to be asleep and children asleep in a house with unlocked doors.

It’s much better to turn off lights (except a patio light so OP can find the key hole easily), lock up, put the dog to bed and go to bed if you’re falling asleep where you’re sitting or you need to get up in a few hours due to work/children which the DH would have had one or the other or both to contend with.

RaRaRaspoutine · 08/12/2022 14:34

I'm on your side, OP. The fact that you nearly split already, and have already talked about helping more, etc., shows that you're trying, you're attempting to communicate your expectations, but it's failing. You probably felt very vulnerable and obviously tired after the appointment, and coming back to a locked up house would tip me over the edge in that situation too and I would feel very hurt. Waiting for someone to come back from a night out, I could imagine taking myself off to bed. Waiting for a loved one to come back from the doctor's with an illness, I couldn't.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/12/2022 14:36

DH and I have been married 30+ years and we don't 'wait up' for each other. We do leave the porch lights and a living room light on, though. But if for some reason one of us was sleeping in another room we would let the other know we were home safe in case they woke up. We also don't criticize each other's cooking, especially if we don't feel like or can't do it ourselves.

But his not keeping up his end of the bargain as far as otherwise doing his fair share of 'chores' and helping with finances is wrong and needs to be addressed. Either through serious conversation or counseling if he's just not listening or is only paying lip service to quieten you down.

As far as different standards, well, DH and I have had a bit of that in our marriage. The 'offended' (for lack of a better word) party needs to decide if it would be healthier for them to drop their standards to match their partner's or to keep their standards knowing that whilst they may feel good about themselves in keeping them, they'll continually be disappointed in their partner for not living up to them.

idonthavethrighttohavefeelings · 08/12/2022 14:39

madam onnabugeisha, it must be wonderful to be a concerned human like yourself , I am hoping that I can be just as caring as you are when I grow up ! Compassion is maybe something you could do an online course about ,think you would be an A++ student .