He went to sleep

[SeveruslyFrazzled]

Ive name changed but been here for a good 9 years.

I just want a reality check to see how other people would feel. My husband and I have been struggling for a few years. I feel he puts his needs first, then the kids and then mine. He would dispute this. We nearly split up in March this year but he promised he would help more around the house and with finances. He went self employed. It tanked and we now have no savings and more debt. He’s done this in fits and starts but can’t seem to keep it up I.e the helping.

Ive been really quite unwell with some random virus. Couldn’t stop coughing. Couldn’t breathe well. Not Covid.

I had to go to the out of hours doctors twice but this is what happened the last time.

id been cooking a joint if meat despite being ill in the slow cooker for most of the day whilst I looked after the kids. He came home said I looked awful and told me to go to bed and that he would take over.

He then (he’s actually a very good cook) butchered the joint, served watery tasteless potatoes and it was just all shit. I was quite upset as moneys been tight and it was a treat and because I know he can do better. And because he’s the one who told me to go to bed! He later admitted he hadn’t wanted to cook so hadn’t given it his full attention.

So we argued about his lack of care but managed to resolve it.

Called 111 as I couldn’t breath and if anything the steroids and inhaler wasn’t working. They wanted to send an ambulance. I declined this because I wasn’t at deaths door just needed better medication.

I managed to get an out of hours GP appointment at 1.45am. We have young children so he stayed with them and I drove down to the doctors and managed to get in. It did involve me walking down a quiet street, in the cold and dark and no one except my husband knew I had gone. He said he would stay up and wait but might fall asleep on the sofa.

Doctor wasn’t listening to me. Kept putting me down when I said the nebuliser was making my chest feel tighter not better. He prescribed more steroids and antibiotics and urged me to be checked for asthma.

I got home at 3.30am. My husband had locked up the house. Tuned all the lights off except the patio. Put the dog to bed with the radio and took himself to bed because he was cold. He fell asleep and didn’t know I was home. I’ve been sleeping on the sofa as can’t lay flat.

How would you have felt? I know I wouldn’t have been able to have done that. I’d have been worried and waiting.

He was the only one who knew I was out. I could have had an accident… anything could have happened and no one would have known.

He says he didn’t mean to fall asleep… but I just can’t get over the fact he turned everything off and locked up like he intended to go to bed.

I’ve said our marriage is now over because I feel there is no care. No base line level of care.

im now worried I am making a mountain out of a mole hill And doubting myself. I don’t think this is working for either of us. But the kids :( that’s the only reason I’ve stayed and because I’m scared to be alone but mostly the kids.

sorry it’s so long.

Actually it's better IME to be on your own doing everything, than having a partner who "helps" resentfully or deliberately badly or doesn't follow through their words.

The feeling of constantly being let down, having to push for them to do their share, to feel unimportant in your own home is just awful. The resentment of having a fully grown adult partner who CBA is a depressing emotional burden.

I have vastly preferred the peace of raising my kids on my own, then being badly accompanied by my ex, even when it's been a struggle physically.

Yes, it can be hard to explain to others. But then there's no need.

OP it sounds as though you've had enough, and fair play to you. I imagine coming home to a dark house and him fast asleep just underlined the loneliness you must feel generally in this relationship.

He could have left out a note, or some little gesture like leaving your slippers by the door. I mean even the fucking dog got a radio!!!!!!!!

Hmm, I think you sound like a bit of a martyr and a drama queen .

You say you spent the “whole “day cooking even though you were ill - but putting meat in the slow cooker really doesn’t count as cooking, you don’t have to do anything!

You felt ill enough to call 111 but then declined an ambulance as you decided you needed ‘better’ medication and didn’t want to follow their advice.

You choose to go to Drs instead but then make a point that you had to walk down “a dark street”. You felt like the dr was mean to you.

Then you came home and are angry that your DH wasn’t waiting up and worried. That is bizarre.

@category12 @Alcemeg some women get it, others prefer to guilt other women for wanting more.

Real loneliness is as @category describes.

And no, if my husband had breathing difficulties and had to get to a doctor on his own at night, shutting up the house and tottering off to bed would not what I would do in a million years.

But I love my husband and would absolutely be checking in with him whilst probably dosing a bit.

I would be worried and concerned.

I find it hard to believe most people who genuinely love a partner wouldn't be likewise.

OP, I hope you got some rest.

I found popping a sleeping pill to ensure I sleep well when ill a lifesaver to aid my recovery.

Piriton are a good substitute.
Sleep is vital to allow the body heal.

I might as well be really outing here now because I just don’t give a shit anymore and I don’t really care who reads this and cottons on that it’s me. You’ll probably say im
being over dramatic and I probably am because I’ve reached the end of my tether. I am still unwell.

My husband is a nurse. Though he isn’t currently working as a nurse. HE told me that I needed better medication and that it wasn’t working. I didn’t decide. We decided. He agreed that the ambulance should be kept for someone having a heart attack… but it’s an 8 hour wait and there aren’t any ambulances. You must know that?

and I was the one looking after the kids ALL DAY for days when I was unwell because they are home educated. I was up with them when they weren’t well too in the night. Me. He probably did too on the odd occasion I didn’t hear them.He was at work most of the time. I did my work online when I could around everyone else.

and yes the dinner did take me all bloody day because it took me four hours to clean the kitchen and put away the online shopping away because I just couldn’t stand or breath or get my brain to function for long.

I am grateful that he took over when he got home for a few hours but it was a few hours. The kids did enjoy playing the Xbox with him. So there’s a silver lining.

@billy1966 @category12 and @Alcemeg and for anyone else I missed.

Thank you for understanding me And for the kind words. I really, really needed that kindness and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Oh for fuck sake… name change fail. See what I mean about my brain being fried?

im sure next week will be a better week

You poor thing.

I have been laid up with chest infections and had a cry in the bed on my own for myself because I felt so miserable.

Breathing difficulties is just so awful.

You home school. God help you.

OP, you need to be very careful and rest up.
Stop doing anything.

Pneumonia creeps up on a person very quickly and can take your life.

Ignore any unkind posts, they are only noise.

I totally get the constant lack of thought over and over again for years. If I posted here the thing that finally killed off our marriage, posters would think I was crazily overreacting to something minor. It’s never just the one thing though, it’s him not doing something that important to you, you ask him to because even if it doesn’t matter to him it’s a small effort for him to do it just because it would make you happy. He agrees it’s not a lot to ask and that he’ll do it in future ( as of course you do little things the way he likes because you care about him and want him to be happy) he then doesn’t do them and the resentment builds and it becomes that he doesn’t care enough about your feelings to do the thing even if it doesn’t come naturally to him. This lack of care usually also presents itself as always putting himself or other people ahead of you and you end up in a downward spiral of resentment.
I think there was some sort of article written by a man whose marriage broke down because he always left his mug on the side rather than putting it in the dishwasher ( it wasn’t just about the mug obviously just a lack of concern about tidying up his own damm mug rather than expecting his wife to always put it in the dishwasher for him)

you are severely frazzled. Have you discussed counselling? You need an honest conversation with him. Perhaps that would be a wake-up call to him but you also need to hear it from his side. Best wishes.

@Wheresmybiscuit3 💐 Take it easy, rest and focus on you. I hope you feel better soon.

Have you thought of trying marriage counselling, before jumping to splitting up?

My husband was taken to hospital in the middle of the night, we had our child at home so asleep, I went to sleep what else was I meant to do?

He falls asleep easier than me, I am fine with him sleeping I don't think fighting sleep is healthy, unless I need practical help what is staying away just because going to do?

This

Do you often feel unsupported in the relationship from what you wrote I have the impression lack of support is consistent.

regard your question I wouldn’t of waited up I would of went to bed with a movie too keep warm but I would of been in contact with you keeping you company.

My heart goes out to you, OP. Over time, this kind of thing completely erodes your self-worth. Mostly, it's just terribly depressing. You certainly don't want to grow old with a man like this.

If he wants to say you left him over a piece of beef, then let him. I'm guessing it's all part of a general minimising of you and your feelings.

@itmustbemyage expresses this situation perfectly. I read somewhere that "change accumulates very slowly, then happens all of a sudden." (I might be paraphrasing.) This, to me, expresses how odd our emotional changes can seem, as though we just went mad overnight. Yet when we "suddenly" feel different, especially about something as fundamental as our marriage, it's because all kinds of tiny incremental adjustments have been made to shuffle us along and we're just becoming aware of our new position and acknowledging it.

The way forward will not be easy, but you're doing the right thing. Good luck, happier times are ahead for you one day!

We have tried this in the past a few years ago. Not much came of it. The therapist actually said that most people go to counselling too late. I probably should have listened.

I remembered to change my name back.

Yes I often feel unsupported. I often feel like he does things without contemplating the bigger picture, or how it would make me or the kids feel. Never really considers the words he uses or the tone. Doesn’t listen very well. Is always right. Instinctively reacts very defensively when I try to talk and attacks verbally. Then thinks about it. Then apologises and talks more openly… but it’s always the same process. That’s never changed.

He does seem to struggle with empathy and understanding others. His parents are quite selfish and unaware in this respect too. He really dislikes them for it but accepts them for it and allows them to treat him
badly because he says they will never change.

We've had a more open discussion and taken the decision to separate. If we separate now we hope we will be able to remain friends.

And thank you everyone for your opinions and kind words. I’m feeling marginally better today so hopefully it will continue.

madly since we agreed to split up he’s been nicer and more considerate.

I think this is the right thing for us both.

@SeveruslyFrazzled

The best of luck to you in your new life.

It’s this article a pp was thinking of. Sums it up perfectly.

matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

To be honest OP, you're an adult. It was the middle of the night, and he went to bed. That doesn't sound unreasonable to me, especially as he has to be up for the DCs because you won't be feeling your best.

Expecting him to sleep on the sofa until you get in isn't sensible. How would it help?

He ruined a piece of meat deliberately because he didn't want to finish the minding of a meal already made? A complete waster.

Ffs @billy1966 , that's one hell of a stretch based on what the OP wrote.

My reading of this is that the stresses and strains of life with young kids have taken their toll on the OP and her marriage to the point that she wants to end it.

OP, it sounds like you have quite a low tolerance compared to most (not necessarily a bad thing, as I think people can be far too tolerant!)

I'm thinking most men, good men at that, would probably not have measured up favourably in your marriage.... the ones that would have waited up would likely have fallen foul of something else, anything really....

I'm thinking most men, good men at that, would probably not have measured up favourably in your marriage.... the ones that would have waited up would likely have fallen foul of something else, anything really....

I think that’s a hell of a stretch, based on what the OP wrote.

But.... I separated in circumstances similar to yours. It wasn't a LTB situation (like yours) but it was clear the end had been reached. We've been able to remain only friendly terms as a result. Sometimes people can persist with relationships until they fracture acrimoniously when they should have called quits years ago.