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Original poster

Question about FILs reaction to DH salary

59 replies

Janey878 · 05/12/2022 22:41

My FIL is very annoyed to find out his son (my DH) earns more money than he thought he did. DH not a massive earner but is middle management. We don't ask him for money, and he is retired and has enough to have a good lifestyle (and can afford increased living costs - although he hates them as he has always been frugal). Why would he be annoyed? I would be happy my DC were doing better than me - or is this a normal reaction?

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 05/12/2022 22:44

"Very annoyed" to find out your son is thriving? No, not normal.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 05/12/2022 22:45

What does he want, for him to be struggling through life??

Notmyyearthisyear · 05/12/2022 22:46

He’s an idiot. Ignore him.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/12/2022 22:47

My FIL is very annoyed to find out his son (my DH) earns more money than he thought he did.

How did he find out? What did he say?

sounds v odd.

Original poster
Janey878 · 05/12/2022 22:48

He is definitely an idiot - just realised how much of one he is. He can be odd, but I seriously am shocked at this. Thanks, I didn't think it was normal!

OP posts:
RishisProudMum · 05/12/2022 22:50

How did he express this annoyance? What was said?

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 05/12/2022 22:52

It's an ego thing. My Fil actively doesn't want either of his sons to earn more than he did because he always went on about how important he was and how he was a big earner etc.

Whenever they buy a new car he has to buy a bigger newer one. If they go on holiday he has to go on a better one.

It's a sad pathetic one sided competition that only his ego is invested in, his sons no longer give a shit

HowVeryBizarre · 05/12/2022 22:58

How very sad. DH and I both grew up with low earning parents and money was always tight - all four parents were very happy and proud of the fact that all their offspring have done very well for themselves. It’s the kind of thing your DH might laugh off but it must be hurtful for him.

Original poster
Janey878 · 05/12/2022 23:01

He read a letter that had DH salary on it. (It was on our table - he just took it upon himself to read through it). He was visibly annoyed at the time and left without saying much, clearly in a mood. He has asked loads of questions since about how he managed to get that wage (it isn't a massive wage - just a good one). he is saying things like "I don't need to get you anything for Christmas etc... you can afford it yourself". (He doesn't spend a lot which is fine). It has hit a nerve. I am pissed off, DH thinks is all to be expected.

OP posts:
CherrySocks · 05/12/2022 23:11

He sounds jealous, resentful and immature.

Although I suppose it is a shock for some fathers to find out their offspring are earning more than them, it probably undermines their sense of themselves as the Biggest Ape in the Tribe, or whatever.

NicLondon1 · 05/12/2022 23:24

If he is elderly his mindset may still be set in the 90s and he may be genuinely shocked at salaries these days... (am being kind!)

converseandjeans · 05/12/2022 23:30

I'm intrigued to know what the salary is. What job did FIL do? Does he consider himself to be important?

Changingplace · 05/12/2022 23:30

NicLondon1 · 05/12/2022 23:24

If he is elderly his mindset may still be set in the 90s and he may be genuinely shocked at salaries these days... (am being kind!)

Yeah that’s a good point - how long has he been retired?

Very weird reaction though, unless your DH has been making him think you were struggling or he’s helped you out with money?

UsingChangeofName · 05/12/2022 23:35

I would be pleased that any of my loved ones were doing well for themselves, but, in a generalised discussion, I might express a level of crossness about the inequities of who is paid what. How wrong it is that some jobs with real responsibility, and sometimes danger get paid so much less than some other jobs which appear to be so much 'easier' or at least 'pleasant'. Might it be something to do with that ? A sort of anger at how wrong society has got things.

Blondlashes · 05/12/2022 23:38

jealous? Is your DH upset?

stayathomer · 05/12/2022 23:38

I remember when db started earning over what my dad finished up earning in a very good job. He kept saying‘I can’t believe he’s so young earning that!’ He wasn’t annoyed but maybe it’s like that thing where every generation thinks the one after has it easier? Bit mad but maybe?

MadameMackenzie · 05/12/2022 23:38

UsingChangeofName · 05/12/2022 23:35

I would be pleased that any of my loved ones were doing well for themselves, but, in a generalised discussion, I might express a level of crossness about the inequities of who is paid what. How wrong it is that some jobs with real responsibility, and sometimes danger get paid so much less than some other jobs which appear to be so much 'easier' or at least 'pleasant'. Might it be something to do with that ? A sort of anger at how wrong society has got things.

This. Did he used to work in emergency services, the NHS or the forces by any chance?

Original poster
Janey878 · 05/12/2022 23:48

Some interesting viewpoints to think about, I think it might have something to do with skewed expectations of what a salary is, thinking about it FILs first house cost less than DH salary, but I think staying annoyed about it is disappointing.

He is late 60s - not long retired.

My DH wouldn't have asked him for money and pays for meals etc when we are out together with FIL - it's not that, I would understand that though.

The salary viewpoint for what DH does ... maybe? FIL never worked for NHS or anything like that - although he was in the army. My DHs job is actually quite skilled, but his dad doesn't know what he does (never asked really). This is what annoys me I think, he made an assumption about my DHs potential and is annoyed to find out that assumption was incorrect.

Some interesting viewpoints to think about - I knew there would be more that I could come up with!... and the biggest ape seems appropriate

OP posts:
LemonadeSunshine · 05/12/2022 23:52

Similar to my FIL, when working would always ask how much DH's salary was (we didn't tell him!), mine had no interest, being the little woman and all. Always had to get a car with a bigger engine, newer, whatever, than ours when we changed cars. We've never bought new, just the best fit available for our money, generally diesel as we had driving holidays.
When I was able to support DH while he retrained there was a bit of a dawning that they'll never be able to match my current salary. I grew up with very little and have just taken every opportunity, a few chances, some successful and some not, working every bloody moment possible to get where I am. It's not earth shattering but enough to keep us level for now.
FIL just can't be pleased for his own son, I don't think he ever will be.

Marineboy67 · 05/12/2022 23:59

Typical competitive man bollox don't give in to it. He sounds like a right twat....let him stew in his selfish shit. Hopefully he'll see the error of his ways and come round to being pleased for his son. My daughter is a professional opera singer and can at times earn lucrative amounts of money. I'm so proud of what she's achieved & glad for her and her family.

Original poster
Janey878 · 06/12/2022 00:04

I'm sorry to hear other people have been through something similar - and your fathers are actually competitive with their DC. That actually shocks me - I've always thought it was part of what you did as a parent - tried to set them up to do better. I would be ecstatic if my DC got good jobs and did well in them. It is really sad to think that some parents don't think this way. My FIL isn't competitive in a materialistic way - he does like to criticise every home improvement or large purchase though! Nothing wrong with that (1970s) kitchen - why are you changing it? kind of thing.

OP posts:
QS90 · 06/12/2022 00:19

Lol what a massive weirdo! Your poor DH, not surprised you are irked.

saraclara · 06/12/2022 00:23

It's feels odd to me. I thought every parent wanted their kids (and by default, their partners too) to do better than them. Especially these days when life is so tough for the younger generation and their salaries dont go as far as ours did.

I actively worry about my son in law, as although he earns a decent amount, it's mostly commission based, in an area of retail that's going to really struggle in the COL crisis. I can't imagine being thrown by him earning more! I'm more worried about him earning less or losing his job!

Aikko · 06/12/2022 10:39

Sounds like this FIL is a prized twat.

Any normal parent with a healthy relationship with their children would be ecstatic to see them doing well.

YNK · 06/12/2022 10:43

Competitive dad?

Harry Enfield had a character portraying this phenomenon.
It's a bit pathetic if you ask me.

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