Question about FILs reaction to DH salary

[Janey878]

My FIL is very annoyed to find out his son (my DH) earns more money than he thought he did. DH not a massive earner but is middle management. We don't ask him for money, and he is retired and has enough to have a good lifestyle (and can afford increased living costs - although he hates them as he has always been frugal). Why would he be annoyed? I would be happy my DC were doing better than me - or is this a normal reaction?

Usually when people express these spiteful sentiments about their children people work hard to make it not mean what it looks like. They'll try hard to put a favourable spin on horrible sentiments because accepting that a parent would rather their own child was suffering than thriving is a hideous reality. Unfortunately a certain percentage of parents are jealous of anything good in the lives of their offspring.

How dare FIL read your DH’s mail! And then to be annoyed he’s doing well - that is really odd.

My mother is like this...it's pure jealousy, that's what it is. Most 'normal' parents can't get their head around the concept of being jealous of their own children, but people like your father in law and my mother aren't 'normal' - my mother is a narcissist. So to her the idea of her own children being/doing 'better' than her just isn't right...she's always the 'best'.

It's pathetic, he's pathetic. Ignore the jealous spiteful old bastard.

What a sad, fragile little man. Much like my FIL! Draining.

Their mindset is still sometimes stuck in a period when they worked when clearly wages were much lower and inflation has impacted on both wages and costs. I’d just ignore it. I find my in laws weird too. “We can’t put the heating on for longer than an hour a day as we don’t have the income” - They have over £100k in the bank FFS.

Fast Show.

Our Ds and Dil earn over £80k between them both (they told us)
Live in a 4 bed 3 bathroom house.
We are so proud of them to get to this level.
Yes it's wages we could only dream of.

Your Fil is not only rude in reading your post but how jealous he has become.

Yep, it's envy.

I currently earn around what my dad earned at retirement and I'm 20 years away from retirement. We both work(ed) in three public sector so not megabucks by any means.

He died 10 yeas ago but I know he'd be proud of me and pleased I'm OK.

My mother, on the other hand, was very resentful of anything good in my life.

Resentful that I achieved ore than her academically; resentful I thrived as a single parent; resentful of my career; resentful of the fact I was younger than her...

I haven't seen her for over a decade because of the way her envy and resentment made her behave towards me. It's not the only reason she behaved as she did but it was a big part of it. She criticised absolutely everything about me, lied about me to other people. It was hard to live akd sad that she felt that way. I'm not sure what she expected of having children tbh.

My younger brother earns around 3x what I do. I'm really proud of him and think he's amazing. I can't imagine feeling resentful of him and I'm certainly not envious.

I had this with my mother. she resents and is jealous of me - to the point that she physically hurt my DS, so we're NC now

Don't trust your FIL. You know he is an idiot, good.

Reverse snobbery? Jealousy? Maybe resentment? DHs Dad did the same. He was relatively young when DH was born (19/20) and he ended up working in a supermarket and working his way up the ranks, which he clearly resented and blamed DH for. So to find out that his son was earning the same as he did after 20 years at supermarket at 30 and in his second job post uni really upset him.

He also resented the fact that it meant DH could go buy a 'nice' (£4000) secondhand car without asking his dad to get involved as cars were a hobby for FIL and he was constantly buying and selling them so we often just bought from him when we needed to.

We don't talk to him anymore, that was the tip of a huge iceberg though.

My MIL was like this when she also snooped and found out I was the grade above FIL in similar professions at the time. It was purely a jealousy thing my FIL said well done!

I get this from my DM sometimes. "I just don't understand how you can earn so much money from what you do."
It's always in a kind of tone similar to "I just don't know why you would wear a mini skirt when it's so cold outside" so it's not even the words but the intonation and expression.
I think on the one hand she is proud of me, but on the other hand she doesn't think my job is worth what it gets paid. It frustrates me because I always got the good old go to uni, work hard, you can reach for the stars speeches. But when I actually went out and did it, apparently I went too far.
My db, on the other hand, earns more than me for basically just wiggling his mouse enough during the day so that he appears online. He's in IT security so he is paid for his skills when it really counts and I get that.
But my dm never comments on this - probably cause he is male and has a divine right to the high salaries or something.

I think it's pride mixed in with a big dose of "i never had those opportunities and i wish i had done better for myself". My dm would never ask me for money and loves bragging about me to her friends. But I am also doing a job that never existed in her day and age and probably thinks i'm doing an admin role just because i'm a woman working on a computer.

janey878 my FIL is the same. When he found out my DH was pretty wealthy he was really angry. It was bizarre. He made the strangest comments like ‘well I don’t see how, I never earned that much’ ‘I can’t understand how you’ve got all that equity, it doesn’t make sense’ in a really aggressive tone (I should point out he found out these things by opening our post when he was dog sitting - first and last time). DH grew up in an incredibly controlling household and his father was emotionally and physically abusive. He now has a really successful career in an area that not many people ever succeed. He’s done all this himself without a penny from FIL. It’s about jealously and anger that he can no longer control my DH. I suspect it’s the same for your DH sadly.

Oh god I've been in exactly the same situation with FIL - he was a tradesman all his life, refused to allow his (bright) sons to do A Levels or go to uni as they had to 'learn a trade'. I've been with DH since we were young and have always encouraged him to go beyond the low parental expectations of him and to achieve his potential - he's worked hard and is now middle management in a white collar profession earning the same as if he had been a graduate all those years ago, and doing brilliantly. His dad was not only very disgruntled when he found out his basic salary a few years ago (not the whole package, which is much higher) but also sneered to me "It's ridiculous to get paid that much for such a NOTHING job". I was astonished and so hurt on DH's behalf. I've never told DH. No pride, no interest in what he actually does and how much it benefits people, just resentment and jealousy. And this is from someone who never even had to buy his first house with DH's mum as the family built and gifted it to him as a wedding present, so never had a mortgage and has no idea of our outgoings. I've made sure he has no idea how much I earn for my 'silly little job' - he apparently thinks I do a part-time pin-money admin role rather than running a multi-country department of a global company. I have very little to do with him now.

Well, I would have given him a bollocking for reading somebody else's mail - he has absolutely no right. Even spouses don'tvread each other's mail, for goodness sake (at least, they shouldn't).

He’s a strange one isn’t he? Surely you want your adult children to be thriving and earning good money if possible? I’d ignore the silly old codger.

Is it because your FIL did a 'proper job' (hard graft, kind of job) and you DH does a desk job and he can't equate how you can earn that much from not 'doing a lot'?

Maybe it's made his feel less successful himself or something? Is he over 60? My older relatives are very out of touch with the cost of living for young families and still think 30k is a massive salary

He sounds awful.

How rude of him to pick up private correspondence.......that in itself is very poor behaviour.

Your poor husband.

Support your husband if he is ambivalent about being in his company, respect his wishes, he knows best.

Not normal at all.

If I had to guess I would say that either FIL earnt less/less at his age and his male pride is hurt, OR he's loaned DH money in the past that he might not have done/might have expected back had he known his salary - could either of these be true?

My dm was the same. She used to regularly add up the value of our assets & express shock.

Had something similar in our family. The father is a bit controlling and very much “head of the household” expects his children well into their 40’s to defer to his judgement. It think it was the loss of status over your child sort of thing. His son is probably taking home close to ten times what he did when he was working. It’s harder to lord it over your child or feel you are the head if you suddenly find out your child is more successful than you.

His other kids are also doing well and professionals but have required help at points or been given generous gifts, this ones never asked for a penny and the brother is significantly more successful than his siblings. The brother was always a bit of a black sheep anyway and tended to rebel against his father’s authority. the dad also regularly used to try to weaponise inheritance which probably wouldn’t be significant at any rate. So the last bit of control he thought he had over his son was lost despite no indication in the son’s behaviour that he cared about inheritance anyway.

I wonder if all the parents displaying this behaviour are at heart very controlling. The more financially independent their children are the less sway they feel they have even if they’ve never given them a penny.

It’s a strange reaction. Competitiveness, I guess like others have said. He should be thrilled that his son is doing so well, I don’t blame you for being annoyed I would be too

I am overjoyed my daughter earns more than I did. She is amazing. I'll feel the same when my son's do this.

What a sad little man your FIL is but also incredibly rude to walk into your home and read his DS's private letters. If he comes to the house again I'd make sure everything's away and out of his reach. @Namechangedforthisonetoday I can't believe your FIL actually opened your post, I'd go atomic