Divorcing a manipulator - any advice?

[Yellow83Leaving]

Hello everyone

I posted on my marital woes earlier this year...

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4566495-should-i-pull-the-plug

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4577775-are-these-empty-promises

...and filed for divorce in August. I'm due to file the conditional order early next year and hopefully will be divorced 6 weeks after that. My husband said he "disagreed" with my reasons for wanting to split (see above threads) but that he would go along with the divorce anyway. I honestly think he was calling my bluff, thinking I'd calm down, get back in my box and call the whole thing off. Well, I haven't - and I'm not going to, despite his ongoing attempts to scupper me.

He agreed to leave and has found a house to buy (I am giving him the deposit). but he's dragging his feet (e.g. told the vendors there was "no rush" for him to get in before Xmas, despite hideous tension in the house). He has told me several times over the past few months that he doesn't want to go, that I am "throwing him away like garbage" and that this split will ruin our son's life. Although we have separate bedrooms and (as much as possible) separate lives, he tries to act like we're still a couple - e.g. he called a "family meeting" the other day about where to get a Christmas tree and thinks he should still be welcomed with open arms by my friends and family (I'm cordial to his friends and family but keep a respectful distance).

He's been muscling in on DIY projects, offering his opinions on colour schemes, furniture etc as if he's going to continue living in the house. He has been making suggestive remarks - commenting on my clothes, my body, how much I turn him on, which frankly makes me feel sick. He's currently being Mr Helpful around the house (basically doing the washing up once or twice a week - I still do the rest of the work, obvs). When I rebuff any of these advances, he either storms off in a massive huff or acts all wounded.

He's also constantly trying to get the three of us to do things "as a family", and when I say no, he gets my son to ask me, putting me in the awkward position of having to say no to him.

It feels like an onslaught and it's draining me. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with him? I sometimes do feel a bit sorry for him but I also know he's manipulative so I need to stand my ground. My son doesn't yet know we're splitting (although I'm sure he suspects) as I didn't want to tell him until I have a definite move-out date from his father - I don't want him living in limbo while his dad pisses about. My best friend thinks he has no intention of moving out and he's just stringing everyone along (including the people he's buying the house from)...

Thanks for reading

He doesn't have to move out until the divorce is finalised. He has just as much right to live there as you do.

I think this is a grin and bear it (with solid boundaries) situation to be honest.

Until the divorce is finalised and the financial settlement signed off he's going to continue to try his best to get round you and using the situation with your son and his accommodation to his advantage.

How old is your son? Would it help if you told him you are splitting up? Obviously taking Christmas in to account. Your stbexh is doing what all manipulators do, playing the people round him.

I feel for you. My exH ran a very successful campaign to isolate me from my own family and main friendship group. It still rattles me but having him gone is absolute bliss!

Agree, until your divorce and finances are finalised he can do what he likes. I have empathy for you as I am currently divorcing and can't wait for it to be final in a couple of months.
In terms of the language of "family" he is using, my ex and I emphasise all the time to our kids that we are still a family, its just that some families live in two houses instead of one, but that doesn't change that the four of us are always family. Just because I'm not with their father doesn't change that. We are always linked. My marriage was abusive but I've learnt that truly putting the children first means grin and bear it, be the bigger person, all the time. We are going to watch their nativity plays together. Do I want to sit with him? No. But do I do it and smile because our kids will love seeing us sat together watching them? Yes. We do birthday parties etc together too. We are still family regardless of my emotions and the things that wrecked our marriage, which are too adult for the children to know or understand. It's a learning curve, and takes time. Once he's out the house you may find it easier.

Just read your previous posts and can relate to most of it barring the unemployed bit. Mine was a salesman with an enormous ego.

My exH could charm the birds off the trees when it suited him but was a selfish lazy arse behind closed doors. Also the convincing me black was white, basically manipulating my honest and trusting nature.

Unfortunately I still think unless you make it crystal clear to everyone around you, including your son, that you are splitting up he will continue to manipulate this. It makes it much more understandable when you refuse to play happy families, and stops him using the guilt trip to get his own way.

I found that putting my head down and ploughing through the divorce process helpful. I didn't get into discussions or arguments. I used a therapist to vent to and had the mantra in my head that it would come to an end eventually. Having a good scream/cry in the car (on my own) helped.

The only other suggestion I can offer is for you to move out so you're not around him if that's at all possible. He's not going to leave willingly is he?

How old is your child? I would give serious consideration to telling your child.

Until there’s a need to your H isn’t going to change anything, or even feel the need to accept it.

What’s your housing situation if you’re giving your H the deposit?

is your current house yours and protected or joint?

Thanks for the replies and suggestions.

@JustLyra The house is in my name - deposit and mortgage paid for by me. He's never contributed. I've borrowed more on the mortgage to pay the deposit on his new house. It's a sizeable sum and more than enough to put down on a good 3 bed in our area. But of course he wants to buy a massive 4-bed and has complained moving into it is going to leave him "broke". When I suggested he buy a smaller house - like the current family home - he said, "Why should I live in a SHITHOLE??!" This sort of nonsense par for the course - he's always been totally unrealistic and unreasonable - expecting the best of everything and moaning when he doesn't get it, despite contributing nothing - financially or practically - for most of the time we've been together.

@Dacquoise Sorry to hear you went through the mill with your ex - ploughing on and refusing to be drawn into arguments or discussions is a good tactic. I will be doing more of that with him.

@prettygreenteacup I'm sorry your marriage was abusive and I hope you're doing better now. I get what you're saying about still being a "family" even if you live apart. I'd be quite happy to come together for parents' evenings, concerts, even days out etc if he was more of a grown-up. I do try to be cordial with him at the moment but he takes this as a green light to act overfamiliar (sleazy) and simply refuses to accept my boundaries. When I complain, he gets quite gaslighty, accusing me of being oversensitive and saying that he's just trying to "lighten the mood". I then have to fight feelings of guilt for upsetting him!! It's just a mess and I can't wait until it's all over.

@Yellow83Leaving Have you taken proper legal advice before doing that? You don't want to be in the position of funding his new place and then discovering he's entitled to a portion of the current family home.

If he's always been greedy when it comes to money don't expect that to change now - expect it to get worse!

Spend your money on a really good lawyer. Not on a house deposit for your STBX.

Agrred 100%

You have my total empathy btw. going through same thing and told DD, she is 14 though and refuses to have anything to do with her father. (as far as possible)

Hi again

Yes, I have a lawyer who has advised this is the best way forward for me - as I have more assets (although he's now on a much higher income than me).

I might well have to pay him more if he decided to fight me. As it is, he's agreed to my offer, although I'm not convinced he's not going to change his mind at the last minute. Time will tell...

Thanks @adriftabroad - hoping for a swift exit from the situation for you and your daughter

Hey @Yellow83Leaving how are thing with you these days? I think I'm where you were 2 years ago...