Are these empty promises

[Yellow83Leaving]

Hello,

After much heart-searching about whether or not to end my marriage...

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4566495-should-i-pull-the-plug

...I told my husband I wanted us to split up. He was shocked and said he didn't understand why - when I told him I was fed up with being the only adult in the relationship, he promised to change. Over the last couple of weeks he's being doing more around the house and has done a couple of school pick-ups/drop-offs. We are cordial with each other, there have been no arguments but I haven't given him any indication I've changed my mind.

He's now acting like everything's fine and asking when he should book holiday from work so we can all go away together. He asked me this in front of DS who is now excited about a family holiday. I was furious and told him so (not in front of DS); I told him it was irresponsible to talk about family hols when I'd just told him I wanted to split up. Again, he was flabbergasted and said he didn't think things were that bad between us. WTAF???

Now he's begging me to reconsider and it's throwing me off kilter. I feel guilty and sorry for him. I feel like I should give him another chance and part of me feels, well, it would be easier to stay as we are, but then another part of me wants to run for the hills while I still can.

Any thoughts? Will he change? My gut says yes he will - for a while - but he'll revert to type eventually. Has any of you been in a similar position and what was the outcome?

Thanks in advance

He'll probably change in the short time. Just enough to suck you into believing him and reconsidering splitting up. Then he'll revert to type. You have to ask yourself if you want to waste more time waiting for him to return to his normal, or bail now. 💐

I've just read through both of your posts and you're right, he will change because from my estimation you've told him he needs to step up more on several occasions and he does. He changes and then he reverts back.

You know the old saying about Freud's definition of insanity. Revisiting the same situation over an over again expecting a different result. This is the loop you're caught up in.

You sound very together, stable and a nice person and you deserve to be treated better than he is treating you

Tbh the fact that he acted shocked all over again as if you had never said it to him a few weeks back is gaslighting.

If hed said 'I thought we were making progress. Is there anything more I can do and commit to to get you to rethink things?' What if I gave you some space and moved out for a bit?' Ect... then that would have been something.

But actually he's just acted shocked that him actually putting in basic level effort for a few weeks has completely erased your prior conversation with him. As if your choices were completely invalid.

That's not someone who wants to work on the marriage. Its someone who hopes they can guilt you into putting up and shutting up.

Id start the divorce rolling op. Make sure you are no longer doing any of his washing or cooking. Make it clear you are over...my bet is that as soon as he realises and admits to himself that you are serious, this mr helpful act will vanish. Because its bs.

• has NOT completely erased your prior conversation.

I meant

Thanks for your replies everyone, they've been a help.

I'm so off-kilter though, I'm walking around the house like a mouse, trying to be really nice to him.

He's upset but he's being very cordial. I'm just waiting for something awful to happen... I feel like he's going to drop a bomb on me. I'm back to walking on eggshells, trying not to upset him. It's awful.

Whoops I didn't meant to quote your message then Justcallmebebes!

He’s upset you say? And how are you feeling? Way off kilter, walking on eggshells, waiting with anxiety and trepidation for something awful to happen. He is an adult and responsible for his own feelings and actions. NOT YOU. Why are you putting HIS feelings ahead of yours? Does he put your feelings ahead of his? He won’t change completely - and even if he does, why didn’t he change for the better before? Wouldn’t you feel deeply resentful that he could’ve, but chose not to?
Why not make that solicitor’s appointment, discuss your situation and take it from there? At least you know what the process will be like, and that knowledge is power. Power to make you feel a bit more in charge of your life. Stop walking on eggshells for him, and start living the life you want.

You're right goody. He most certainly does not put my feelings ahead of his. In all of our discussions, he's talked about what HE'S going through, and how sad he is that I "don't want him anymore".

I don't expect him to feel bad for me, because from his point of view, I'm the one causing the upset. But he doesn't really see his part in any of it. He doesn't want to listen to why I'm taking this very serious and radical step. He thinks I'm being unreasonable. Basically, now he finally has a decent job, he thinks I should STFU and just be happy that he's not unemployed. He's always telling me to look at all the great things I have in my life and "shift my perspective" - basically, he opens his Book of Bollocks and gives me a pep talk... and sometimes it works. I then go away thinking perhaps I am negative and pessimistic and I should TRY a bit harder to be more positive about life in general and our relationship in particular....

And on we go... but this time I don't want to be on his merry-go-round of bullshit. Even though he's doing better than ever (financially at least), I'm on my last bloody legs, worn out with all the years of having to hold everything together.

The more I write this stuff the more resolute I'm getting. Thanks ladies.

He’s still manipulating you.
You are correct it is a merry go round.
Time to get off
Time to emotionally protect yourself and detach from him.

How he deals with this is his journey.

You are not here to soften the blow.

Expect all sorts of drama and shenanigans from these types (I suspect he will throw in his job).

Don’t engage

Don’t be derailed.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Make a physical action everyday - eg see the solicitor etc. Sort housing etc

Walk away

Don’t let him drain any more of you finite energy.

Keep your eyes on the prize

You need every drop to get through this to a space of peace and happiness. You deserve that.

I suspect 50:50 is also to avoid paying child maintenance. But as others have said this is a bullying technique. Even if he is granted it (and no money) he won’t hold - so be ready to document and go back to court if he doesn’t do his 50:50

Oh no no no. ‘I’m on my last bloody legs, worn out with all the years of having to hold it all together.’ This bit. THIS BIT! This is the end, unless you want more of the same? Another 20 years of feeling like this? Surely not - you need to take back control of your life and stop this waste of your time and emotions.

Sounds familiar…I had this. We almost split years ago, decided to try and make it work then I got pregnant. Not much changed long term except he did start doing more of the cooking. We went round in circles. If I complained or asked more than once, I was a nag. If I didn’t resentment brimmed. If I raised it later I got told I should have raised it at the time. I finally snapped and said I wanted out. Even then he tried to “win me round” but I was done. I got my ducks in a row.

I can’t tell you how freeing it is to be alone. I’ve changed so much in the last few months. I feel like I can breathe again. Hardship is that financially things are tight but it’s so worth it. I’ve just got a promotion I’d never have had the motivation or confidence to go for before we split. I would definitely look into your options on your own and see what you think.

Thanks again for all your messages, it really strengthens my resolve.

His improved behaviour - e.g. helping with school runs, keeping the place tidier etc means I keep second-guessing myself - am I really going to this? Is it really that bad? Is it worth all the upset for my son etc etc. But I know in my gut that once I'm safely back in my box, he'll revert to type.

He's had plenty of chances and he can't seem to keep his promises for more than a few weeks.

Another thing that turns my stomach is his porn obsession (or so it seems to me). He follows hundreds of porn accounts on Instagram - quite openly btw, his colleagues could go on his Insta and see he follows them - and I know he watches porn regularly. I saw one of these women had sent him a snapchat some time back. I asked him about it and he said it was nothing. I'm not really sure how these accounts work to be honest - do you have to interact with them??? I'm not prudish but it does make me really uncomfortable. I asked him about it and he said he uses porn because we don't have a sex life (i.e. it's all my fault) and that a while a go when things were better between us (and we were having sex occasionally) he deleted a bunch of his porn. It felt like he was giving me yet another thing to sort out - cure his porn addiction with my magic fanny. FFS.

Sorry if I'm ranting now but getting it down on paper and reading it back is actually really helpful. I keep thinking perhaps I'm being unfair to him but I suspect that being fair to myself has become so alien to me that it actually makes me quite uncomfortable.

I'm so glad you made it out and are thriving. It gives me hope to read things like this - thank you!

I do OK at work but just thinking about it now, it's interesting - before I met him, I'd just moved into management. But the relationship quickly became so all-consuming that I didn't have energy or time to spend on my career so I took a step back and I've stayed there ever since. Ironically he's often told me I "should" be in management and I've always said I don't want the pressure but I think the reality is that being married to him is pressure enough. Maybe when I've moved on, I could actually apply myself again and move forward...

Just read about the porn issue. This man does not respect you or women in general it seems. That alone would be a big turn off. OP, you deserve to be happy and not being the only adult doing all the juggling.

Imho, he sounds very narcissistic possibly just not a very nice man.

I personally would ask for a separation for 6 months and see where you go from there.

I just read your other post. You are a Saint to have put up with this boorish, entitled, self serving pig for so long.

He has you and your son both well trained to walk on eggshells around him. He shouts, he sulks, he slams doors etc, all engineered to shut you up. He doesn't love you, he doesn't care about you. The single reason he's sort of making an effort now is because you leaving affects him and makes his life more difficult. Nothing to do with trying to improve your lot - it's about protecting and maintaining his comfortable life. Why has it taken an ultimation for him to start making an effort? Because now it affects him! Let that sink in - he didn't care while you were hurting, but he cares now because he's hurting.

You sound great and you deserve so much better. Ignore the 50-50 custody bullshit. He won't want that boring hassle, it's too much like hard work.