Hello everyone
New member, long-time lurker, first-time poster,...please be kind....
I've been married for 11 years and have one DS (8). I'm desperately unhappy. I think my husband has been emotionally manipulative throughout our marriage and I'm only just beginning to realise it. Even now, I'm having doubts - is he a total arse or have I just been watching too much Netflix??
Long story, brace yourselves....
My husband has been in and out of work throughout our marriage. He's only had a job for around half the time we've been together. I've had to work FT to support us all since my child was a few months old. Even though he now has a very well paid job, I am still harbouring resentment for all the time I've missed with my only child. (He wasn't a SAHD while he was unemployed, by the way - I had to put my DS in nursery and call on my parents to help because he couldn't really be relied upon to look after him properly - e.g. would let him stay in PJs all day, wouldn't get round to taking him out of the house, refused to go to playgroups etc, left all shopping, cooking and kid-based admin etc. to me).
I used to try to be sympathetic and supportive, thinking I didn't want to further damage the fragile self-esteem of a long-term unemployed 40-something man. I always encouraged him to apply for work, helped him with his CV, helped him write cover letters, sent him jobs that looked interesting. I never pressured him to take "any old" job just to bring some money in, even though it would have been handy. I felt that as I earned OK money, it was unfair to expect him to do a job for which he was overqualified (according to him). He was always going on about his former work glories - how he was a great salesman, better than this or that person - and it was usually someone else's fault that he had lost the job -e.g. he was bullied out, or someone was jealous of his success etc etc. It was exhausting.
I hated bringing up the job subject up because he'd get angry and upset - he used to say, "I'm not enjoying this either, I'm not a freeloader, I'm not out drinking with my mates, I'm at home feeling crap about myself." The house was always a mess but I couldn't ask him to clean up while I was at work because then I'd get accused of treating him like a 1950s housewife - he used to say if he was the one at work complaining that his wife didn't clean the house, he'd be accused of being a sexist pig. Of course, that shut me up - I'd leave those conversations feeling I should be more sympathetic and understanding, and feeling sorry for him.
When he HAS had a job, he's always been Big Important Job man - always tired, always stressed, too busy and important to do any of the house admin or child care - which, as ever, is left to me.
A couple of years ago, during lockdown, I had finally had enough. I said I wanted to split - the first thing he said to me was that he wanted our DS to live half the time with him. I felt as though I'd been punched in the gut. My DS is a sensitive soul and frankly, I hated the though of him having to go and spend half the week with his father. He's OK at being Fun Dad but shit with pretty much everything else - he doesn't do school drop off/pick up, activities, parties, play dates, shopping, laundry - that's all me and always has been. He's also short-tempered and grumpy. He has a very loud voice and can get very shouty with DS. When he's angry (with me or DS), he tends to storm off/slam doors/stop speaking/generally act like a kid himself. Long story short, it was enough to stop me in my tracks. He also promised to change, find a job (which he did, well, technically, a friend gave him a job), share chores, childcare, participate more in family life. It didn't last.
Now - finally - he has a very well paid WFH job with amazing benefits (bonus, stock options, health insurance etc). He earns nearly double what I bring home. I thought, after all the years of waiting, I'd be happy but actually I still feel miserable.
He's still grumpy, short-tempered and lazy - doesn't get up until 8:30 most days, leaving me to do breakfast, packed lunch and the school run; doesn't get up until 10ish at weekends; barely helps around the house; complains we never do anything/go anywhere but never lifts a finger to arrange anything; leaves all kid admin and house admin to me etc etc. The house is very tense all the time - he acts as if he doesn't want to be there one minute, and the next he's trying to make plans for renovations. He takes off for work trips with barely any notice, and then never calls when he's gone, not even to speak to DS. He can be loud and boorish, and tends to make everything about him. I have a lovely time when it's just DS and me; when it's the 3 of us, you could cut the tension with a knife.
When I complain about feeling I do more than my fair share, he gets a bit gaslighty - saying he DOES help but nothing he does is appreciated. The last convo we had about this, he actually said he feels he does a lot more housework than me (he definitely doesn't). I go away from these exchanges feeling very confused. Is it me? Have I just got a downer on him? Am I being a nag?
I've told him I'm unhappy and not sure I want to stay married. He said he thinks we should try to work things out but that he "doesn't want to be in a relationship where he's not wanted". I ended up feeling guilty and that I should probably try harder. I honestly don't know what to do....
A long rambler of a post, I know, but if anyone has any thoughts, I'd be happy to hear them...