Some questions for mums who are separated/ divorced

[EL0ISE]

I stayed with my controlling and emotionally abusive ex for years because of the children. Sometimes he said he would go for 100% custody but mostly he said he wanted at least 50:50.

I know now that this is such a common threat and there are other women right now living as I used to live, because they are scared.

So I wanted to ask other mums

1. How much parenting did your ex do when you were together ?
2. How much did he say that he wanted to have the children when you separated ?
3. How much did he actually have the children a year or two later ?

I’ll start

1. About 10 mins a day when he was at home, so about 1 hour a week
2. Either 100% or 50% minimum
3. The first 6 months he saw the kids about 3 hours a week then OW moved in and now he sees them about 4 times a year when he takes them out for a meal. They never stay at his place and he never take them away on holiday, so no overnights

Hi @EL0ISE I'm a male, but here was my experience:

1.) My ex took a year or two off after having our child, so in the beginning our parenting responsibility split may have been 70 (her)/ 30 (me) in the beginning. After she went back to work, it was a 50/50 effort.

2.) When my ex told me that she wanted to separate, I told her I wanted 50/50 custody. (I have my child half the week, every week).

3.) In the 4+ years that we have been separated, I can count on one hand how many days I have missed (and I use "missed" loosely). The rare scenario where I didn't have my child on the usual days, due to having something else planned, I had swapped days with my ex.

How much parenting did your ex do when you were together ?
Very little unless I was travelling for work.

How much did he say that he wanted to have the children when you separated ?
For the first 6 months he didn't want to see DC, holidays with OW and helping her leave her husband etc. When he and OW moved into together, he applied for residence. Court awarded me residence, and a contact order for about 20% of time with him due to DV and his ongoing abusive behaviour to me + DC.

How much did he actually have the children a year or two later ?
He cancelled at least 50% of contact times, often at the last minute or just not turning up. Post court had 8 years of whining about how I am ''refusing'' access / alienating despite his cancelling all the time & spending contact time telling DC how depressed he was because they didn't live with him. If DC want to change a time due to party or something like that he has a complete melt down threatening social services referrals etc.. Year 9, took me back to court for 50/50. Reports done, DC doesn't want to spend time with him, emotional abuse of years identified. DC told their choice to see him or not due to abuse. DC put in counselling to address trauma caused by him. He's not done one drop of parenting in DC's life. Never attended a parent's evening, done a school run, taken her to DR or dentist. Never helped with reading, homework. NOTHING. If I planned to go out on his weekend, you could be absolutely certain he would text randomly saying 'dropping DD off in 20mins'' - ignoring the court ordered times. I gave up having a life of my own 10 years ago. It was just too frustrating and stressful to do anything knowing he'd invariably force he to rush off at a minutes notice.

I've been divorced 12 years yet in many ways I feel like I am still married to him. It's been a virtually full time job dealing with his near constant complaints, lawyers letters, court, social services referrals etc. Several abusive messages popped up on whatsapp from him as I typed this... he's unhappy because DC is refusing to see him this coming weekend (as she is entitled to do). He doesn't accept that the court and social services TOLD HER it's her choice.. he disagrees.. story of my f*cking life.

He is however 'special' so I'm sure not all ex-husbands are like this.

1. very little as he was not here during the week and had his routine at weekends and any child time was also family time, so hardly any one on one.
2. EOW and half the holidays via court.
3. Every other Saturday and maybe about six-eight additional days a year. Parenting is not really his thing but it is important to him to be a dad, if that makes sense, and DC is happy.

Thank you everyone for sharing. On one hand its so sad that so many precious children are pretty much abandoned by their fathers.

But it’s also encouraging for mothers who want to escape violent and abusive men but are scared to because they fear he will take their children. Its clear that so many men only want to use the childen to control their exes.

Parenting when together - not bad, he would take it in turns putting kids to bed, changing nappies, but didn’t ever get invoked making appointments / making baby food etc.

He wanted 50-50.

how long did it last? A month tops. The last 7yrs he’s been working overseas on different postings as part of his job. Not seen the kids at all for 3 months!

Absolutely useless despite telling me that having a baby was what he wanted most in the world. Wanted to be called Dad but didn't actually want to do any parenting.

Had an affair and left for OW. Suddenly toddler DS "wasn't safe" with me. Wanted him to live with them. Then wanted 50:50. Then did a a few hours on a Saturday. DS diagnosed with autism. I'm "attention seeking" according to OW who "doesn't believe in autism".

Years of being dragged through the courts followed by long periods of abandonment. Rinse and repeat.

Finally OW decides DS "isn't welcome" at the start of the pandemic when I was diagnosed with cancer. Ex tells me I "only have myself to blame" when he refuses to take care of DS while I have urgent surgery.

Back to court. Transpired DS has been emotionally abused by OW. Ex decides he no longer wants contact when I found this out and OW ends up with a prohibited steps order preventing her from having any further contact with DS.

They fuck off to live in Scotland some 7 hours away and haven't been seen or heard from since. Absolute pair of despicable cunts.

@CrapBucket that last comment resonates! Whenever my ex takes my daughter he makes a snide remark about what I'm doing with my free time...
Doesn't believe me when I say genuinely I'm g doing an Aldi shop, the cleaning and fuck all! I used to get so annoyed by it now I let it wash right over me!

Oh and I've just remembered, the first time he took DS for contact having told me he wanted him full time, he brought him back after an hour "because he only wants you" 🙄. Well yes, because I did sodding everything!

@EL0ISE such an interesting question and the answers are astounding! It's horrible that so many men use the threat of taking a child away from its mother to except control, when they don't actually want to spend that time with the child.

@TheFormidableMrsC what a horrible pair! Sounds like you and your son are better without him in his life but just horrible what you've had to put up with xxx

@Pinkyxx I feel every bit of your pain. Had so many similar situations. So sorry.

It's so hard isn't it.

Husband is very good at now being the fun dad EOW, yet he had no interest in being involved when we were together.

I feel so guilty and sad that I now can't do the fun stuff we used to do every weekend when he didn't want to. Spends a fortune on him now with expensive toys etc, which I feel guilty about as I'd rather just spend time with our son

I know a lot of this probably doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense to me either.

I know our son enjoys spending time with his dad but I wonder if my husband is actually enjoying it, or just does it because he "has" to. It severely impacted his social and work life

Mine did morning school run 3 days a week then sat on his lazy arse & left everything to me. When we split he did EOW & one teatime a week until ds got older & ds chose not to go overnight.

1. None - he called it babysitting when he had the kids on his own
2. He bought a house just up the road ‘so kids could come whenever they wanted’. 9&7 at the time. We fell into an overnight stay every other weekend and 1 weekly teatime. Every time my son popped round on spec he was back in 10 mins as ‘dads going out
3. Weekend overnighter lasted about 5 years, weekday tea about another 2, more through choice of kids who didn’t want to go when they got older

1. Minimum parenting pre divorce, two hours a week max?
2. Never wanted 50/50

"if anything, I'll be seeing the kids less and less, I've got my own life to live and I'm not going to get sucked into your dark hole" because I was ill when he was divorcing me

1. Now that he has leukaemia, sees the kids for a few hours or so once a week. If we're lucky, we get a second "short visit"

1. He was there a lot and with DD a lot but he didn’t cook, do Drs, buy clothes, launder, call school, do opticians etc.. So I’d say he’d have said at least 50% and I’ve have said closer to 20%
2. He wanted 50:50 and I agreed. This lasted about 2 weeks before dropping to every Wed night and Friday night and alternate Saturdays
3. 4 years on and it’s tea on Wed, overnight every Friday and alternate Saturday. He also has her a week in the summer (I offer more.

Thank you, yes it's been shit. However, no child needs people like that in their life. Far better off without.

@TheFormidableMrsC and I yours, right down to the emotionally abusive OW. So sick of the pair of them. I pray the day comes when courts no longer indulge these men so future generations of children can be spared the trauma of having to endure a parent like this. Sending you hugs & solidarity 💐🍷❤️

1 I was always around when he was home so not a lot
2 agreement every other weekend and 1 evening in the week
3 weekday evening doesn’t seem to happen often.We are only 6 months in. Hasn’t got his house situation sorted so stays at mine when I’m at work for childcare. Not ideal. I plan to move and stop this!

1. Worked full time and did fair share with the children and housework when not in work
2. 50/50
3. Stuck to 50/50, kept asking for more. I would invite him over for dinner and trips on my time and he invited me on his time to. Began dating each other again and resumed our relationship after almost 9 months apart. There was never another person in the picture for either of us though

• How much parenting did your ex do when you were together ?

Barely any as he 'worked' long hours so left before DS was up and returned just for bedtime (after the gym). He would take DS up, put him in bed. Then have an hour to himself to relax before coming down for the dinner I had cooked. As an aside I worked as a Head of Year in a tough secondary school quite near and his job was a very unstressful (very well paid) office job an hour away which is why he felt I should do more. After dinner I would crack on with marking and he would do his own thing. If DS woke it was my responsibility

• How much did he say that he wanted to have the children when you separated ?
One night on the week and every other weekend when he found his own place (took a year so had him on a Saturday - one holiday for 3 days)

• How much did he actually have the children a year or two later ?
Saw him Saturday afternoons and couldn't do weekends as he had footballing commitments Saturday morning and all day Sunday. Dwindled off when he got together with his mate's wife! Since they moved in together it's been an hour on a Saturday here and there. ExH was not allowed to enter our house or see DS at Christmas or on his 18th (his partner felt it stirred up difficult memories and was unfair on the poor exh 😵‍💫).

In 9 years 2 holidays. One which he brought DS home early!

Now DS is at university he never rings his dad for a catch up. Luckily he has always had good relationships with paternal grandparents as I have always involved them.

sees one of them , out of three , for one night per fortnight. has startes to shout at tham, telling them that they only have a roof over their heads because of him.he pays half the mortgage in lieu of maintenance,. im changing it tomorrow. as if if seven tahousand euro per year covers their everything .

There's a slight bias in the line of questioning plus a slight bias in the average member of the forum who tend to hold sexist and unrealistic attitudes about the global total of work that is involved in maintaining and running a household including the financing of it. When couples divorce, I often see members on this forum much more than in contrast to others a tendency for the SAHP to expect life to stay the same without their spouse in it and the justification normally ranges from emotional blackmail ("I'm doing it for the kids") to unrealistic claims about their own contribution to the household. Their expectations of their ex-spouse is to willingly go into sub-standard rental accommodation in order that they may keep the family home; to pay maintenance significantly over the minimum CMS calculation and to give up well over half of the assets. All of this is justified because they "do so much more" for the DCs.

And in some cases I am sure it is true but in a great many others it is a nonsense. What actually happens in divorce is that the odds are heavily stacked in the SAHP's favour and the NRP is left with far less than half of the family assets, locked out of their capital, stuck on a mortgage so they cannot move on and in the worst cases having to pay maintenance to an ex who refuses to improve their earning capacity. It is little wonder NRPs don't have as much time for their children as they would like when they have to work as much as possible in order to climb out of the financial hole their ex left them in.

But I'll answer your questions.

1. I did around 60% of the childcare on top of being the sole earner in the household before the divorce. She was a full time student and normally had to be at lectures first or last thing so I did most of the wrap around care. She also worked most weekends. During the pandemic it was closer to 100% my ex-wife spent most of it crying about how hard home schooling was whilst I had to be up at 6am every morning and balancing work and home schooling until 9pm at night.

2. I quite reasonably wanted 50/50. My ex-wife didn't want me to have that because she wanted child maintenance and is allergic to work. My solicitor told me I didn't stand a chance because as the sole earner the courts would just assume she was the primary parent.

3. I got 40% of the time but it involves all the ferrying around to clubs, homework, outings, buying clothes and feeding them proper food rather than frozen rubbish. Hopefully as the children get older they will choose to live with me!

Not a huge amount, i did all the practical stuff, had no idea what size they were etc when we split.

We agreed on 50 50, i was happy with that.

3 years on, still 50 50 and working well

Thats interesting . Can I ask are you a woman and is your ex partner male or female ?