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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Chronic health condition: husband hates me

55 replies

Giguguvuvh1981 · 04/12/2022 05:54

Hi there,

This is the first time I've posted on here so not really sure what to expect!

I've been with my husband for 19 years. We have two girls - one 6, the other 12.

I'm a teacher but have a chronic health condition which makes me ill all the time. My husband works abroad and although hates where he is working atm, he loves his job.

Over the last 4 years, due to my illness, we haven't been able to have sex. There is now no physical intimacy at all. Moreover, when my husband arrives home, he is fine for a few days then becomes quite nasty and verbally abusive. He drinks a lot, but usually after a couple of weeks things get better. I do not drink at all anymore.

My husband is really nasty to me when I'm ill - like I am at the moment with covid. He'll do things like come in and put the light on, start shouting at me, storm around kicking things and slamming doors REALLY hard. He also says in a loud voice to the kids that they can't get things done for them because 'Mum's too unwell' but says it in a really fed up and disgusted way. The knock on effect is that I now feel clinically anxious all the time, which is making me ill. I have to apologise to my kids, to my employers (I'm a teacher), friends and of course to him.

Yesterday, when I tested positive, he blew up and shouted at me in front of our girls that I had to call and tell his mum why everything was cancelled. He then went storming around the house yelling and slamming doors. I went upstairs and became do upset because I'd ruined his Christmas before he goes away and because I felt so lousy. He then started telling me that I had to come downstairs, for the sake of the kids. When I did come down, I was still upset so he sent me back upstairs again. He then came up and started telling me he just wanted the girls to have a nice day and that none of this is about him.

I can't take it anymore. I feel a useless specimen of a wife, mother and employee.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for anyone to say, but I feel I need help. What can I do? Ive already tried to sort out the intimacy stuff - HRT and I've had endometriosis removed. Now I feel even if the physical reasons for the lack of intimacy were gone, I wouldn't want to have sex with him anyway.

Is his behaviour reasonable given the suffering I have undoubtedly caused him? I know my illness isn't his fault, but it does understandably take its toll.

Thanks for ready, so sorry for long post. X x

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 04/12/2022 05:58

Bless you. I wouldn’t want to have sex with him either. What’s the problem meaning sex is a problem? Is it painful for you? Are there other positions you could try? Could you try other forms of sexual intimacy instead of actual intercourse?

empireemmy · 04/12/2022 06:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the poster.

Hooverphobe · 04/12/2022 06:05

I bet you’re at your “peak happiness” when he’s out of the country despite how difficult it must be working and doing ALL the work with your children.

he’s being abusive and perhaps a heartfelt Xmas present FROM you TO you should be a kick-off appointment with a divorce solicitor. 🤗

Weenurse · 04/12/2022 06:06

Doesn’t sound like he likes you very much. Do you actually like him?
Or is life better when he is away?
Think carefully about your options.

sjxoxo · 04/12/2022 06:10

I think you need to get your ducks in a row and look at kicking him out. Your illness is unfortunate but doesn’t mean you deserve abuse. He is behaving terribly and infront of your kids!! That’s damaging for them and also abusive. Whether you are ill or not imo that is grounds enough to leave. It doesn’t sound like there is any love between you and the lack of intimacy and his not being able to handle daily life makes me think it’s over. And you’re better off away from an abusive partner! x

Modestandatinybitsexy · 04/12/2022 06:24

He's horribly abusive! Anyone might have their bad days when their frustrations get the worst of them but this is beyond anything that's acceptable or can be explained, especially in front of your children.

You already carry most of the burden as he works away, your life would be so much better without him.

WhatTheHellIsAQuasar · 04/12/2022 06:25

God he sounds fucking awful. You haven’t ruined his Christmas he’s just a nasty abusive prick.

I would start making plans to leave - you deserve so much better

firstmummy2019 · 04/12/2022 06:33

I'm so sorry you are going through this. No his behaviour is not reasonable, it is abusive. Are you able to get out? Stay with family? I would also start getting your ducks in a row; gathet together any documents, birth certificates, passports etc... Do you have any written evidence of his abuse? Emails or text messages? Any recordings?

Lineeyes222 · 04/12/2022 06:34

It is NOT your fault you are ill. You've got covid right now for god's sake!! You didn't choose to get covid. Your husband is an abusive pig, and you'd be better off without him.

I think perhaps you need some counselling to build up your self-esteem and realise your illness is not your fault, you'd obviously rather be healthy. Don't feel guilty. People around you need to adjust to help you get through it - this includes your work and your family.

I am currently pregnant and have been very unwell for the past 2 months. My DH has taken over the cooking, cleaning and will bring me whatever I need to bed. My 3 child brings me drinks and snacks while I'm throwing up and we end up spending time together as a family in bed either watching movies or my child plays games and we just talk. I can't really do anything else at the moment, and I expect my family to take care of me, just as I care for them when they're unwell. It's what you do for people you love.

Summerhillsquare · 04/12/2022 06:37

I'm sorry, what suffering have you "undoubtedly" caused him?

Herejustforthisone · 04/12/2022 06:41

He is a cruel, abusive bully. He is no husband. What is his contact with home like when he is away working? I’d suspect he’s not faithful. Please don’t subject yourself to his abuse any longer, your health with improve dramatically when you’re no longer suffering his vile treatment of you.

Angela59 · 04/12/2022 06:46

Alarm bells are ringing here for me because of my history please PM me!

Failing that GET OUT NOW. You will anyway later on but please no more abuse!

Luvvie there’s good people out there! Yes you might be single for a while but trust you will & deserve better!

Sorry to be harsh but please think xx

Katela18 · 04/12/2022 06:48

This behaviour is abusive.
My husband has a condition which causes regular flare ups and when he flares, he can't do anything other than lay in bed. When things are bad it has left him in a flare for months at a time.

I'd never, ever treat him like this and would hate to think he feels any semblance of guilt. We have a toddler and a baby, it can be tough but it is what it is and it's not his fault.

It'd really be considering your options here. You can't go on being treated like that in front of your daughters.

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 04/12/2022 06:50

It’s so sad that you are even asking if he’s behaving unreasonably OP. He’s a horrible horrible man. Please get him out of your & your childrens’ lives!

hellywelly3 · 04/12/2022 06:51

Did he not say the vow in sickness and health? I too have a long term chronic illness and it does effect the whole family. But this isn’t something you’ve chosen. You can’t help being ill. He needs to treat you with respect. I’d be having a stern conversation with him that this stops now or you will be divorcing him. You wouldn’t stay friends with someone who treated you like that, you don’t have to stay married.

Crazydoglady1980 · 04/12/2022 06:52

I want to start with what I am about to say does not excuse the way he is acting and it is not okay, however, does your illness mean that lots of changes happen with little to no notice? Has he always acted the way he is now? Does your being ill mean that your husband and children need to provide substantial care to yourself? And does it impact your husband with things like lack of sleep or extra stress?
The reason I ask is because your husband sounds like needs some emotional help. If he is in a job he doesn’t really like and then plans aren’t able to go ahead when he comes home, that can be really frustrating. He will possibly be carrying an emotional load while away (worrying about you and the children), having a caring role for yourself and the children when at home and also trying to meet his own needs.
As I said this is not excusing his behaviour as this is not okay however he sounds like he is struggling with the situation too

Igmum · 04/12/2022 06:57

Yes, can't think why you don't want to have sex with this prince among men Hmm.

Seriously OP, he's abusive. Please contact Women's Aid. This will be affecting your girls. Please leave him.

(Also how on earth does a positive Covid test at the start of December wreck Christmas?)

SwimInTheRain · 04/12/2022 07:00

Look up Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissists, Debbie Mirza has written a book gathering stories of people who have lived with them. It seems many others have experienced what your are describing - cruelty and callous treatment of the partner when their health is not good.
Sorry you are going through this but it may help to know this is about your husband's problems. You are not to blame. Other people have experience this same pattern of behaviour and felt just as bewildered as you. Do some reading to understand that his behaviour is about him, not you.

TheDishElopedwiththeSpoon · 04/12/2022 07:05

Divorce him!
Then you’ll just have your job, children and illness to worry about and it will be much easier than your life now! You shouldn’t be apologizing for having covid ffs. Sure we all apologize for stuff that’s out of our control because it’s a social nicety, but your husband expecting genuine contrition from you because you’ve caught a super contagious viral infection that legally requires a period of isolation is beyond unreasonable.

BessieSurtees · 04/12/2022 07:07

Try to stop blaming yourself.

What is your family life like when he is away? You don't say what your illness is but does it flare up when he is home or does the anxiety of knowing he is due home affect how you feel?

You may have forgotten why you stopped having sex in the first place, think about it was it really down to you and your illness or his reaction to you?

I have a DH with chronic complicated conditions, and it can be draining it takes a lot of my mental and physical energy and a lot of my time. I struggle with my tolerance at times.

I also grew up with a DF who worked abroad and there was always an adjustment period for both him and my DM when he came home.

However as other pp have said your DH is abusive and manipulating; nothing mitigates this, and he will wear you down until you feel incapable of anything, including making the decision to leave him.

Do you live two lives, by that I mean he has his life working away and his life at home and you have your life without him and life with him at home. Think about it which life is better for you and your DC?

differentnameforthis · 04/12/2022 07:27

(Caps for emphasis not yelling)

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

YOU ARE NOT USELESS.

YOU DID NOT RUIN ANYTHING.

He's abusive, you know that right?

He won't change and actually will escalate. So you need to decide if you want to live like for the rest of your life, or if you think you & your kids deserve better (hint, you do.)

Also your girls are learning that this is what marriage is like and are highly likely to choose a partner like this.

Lastly, he drinks a lot... would you say alcoholic? Your kids are at a higher risk of abusing alcohol and/or drugs if one of their parents are an addict...

You have some choices to make.

KangarooKenny · 04/12/2022 07:32

Wait until he’s gone away and then file for divorce on line. And see a family solicitor.

Shoxfordian · 04/12/2022 07:40

He’s not even kind to you on a basic level
Divorce him

beastlyslumber · 04/12/2022 07:44

He's abusing you and your children.

Abusing you in front of them is child abuse.

Throwing and slamming things is violence.

This will escalate and it won't stop until you leave.

You can contact Women's Aid for advice.

None of this is your fault. Abuse is always and only the fault of the abuser.

RudsyFarmer · 04/12/2022 07:45

I think we need to carefully unpick this. Are you still able to work alongside your Health condition? if so are you part time or full time? Are you happy to tell us what chronic health condition you have? If so we might be able to offer advice. We have two chronic health conditions in our house and no one’s acting abusive!!!

Do you have a support system around you? Friends/family? I think you’re going to need it for when you start divorce proceedings and it might be worth lining those people up alongside the ducks.