Page 2 | Chronic health condition: husband hates me

Giguguvuvh1981 · 2022-12-04T05:54:18+00:00

Hi there, This is the first time I've posted on here so not really sure what to expect! I've been with my husband for 19 years. We have two girls - one 6, the other 12. I'm a teacher but have a chronic health condition which makes me ill all the time. My husband works abroad and although hates where he is working atm, he loves his job. Over the last 4 years, due to my illness, we haven't been able to have sex. There is now no physical intimacy at all. Moreover, when my husband arrives home, he is fine for a few days then becomes quite nasty and verbally abusive. He drinks a lot, but usually after a couple of weeks things get better. I do not drink at all anymore. My husband is really nasty to me when I'm ill - like I am at the moment with covid. He'll do things like come in and put the light on, start shouting at me, storm around kicking things and slamming doors REALLY hard. He also says in a loud voice to the kids that they can't get things done for them because 'Mum's too unwell' but says it in a really fed up and disgusted way. The knock on effect is that I now feel clinically anxious all the time, which is making me ill. I have to apologise to my kids, to my employers (I'm a teacher), friends and of course to him. Yesterday, when I tested positive, he blew up and shouted at me in front of our girls that I had to call and tell his mum why everything was cancelled. He then went storming around the house yelling and slamming doors. I went upstairs and became do upset because I'd ruined his Christmas before he goes away and because I felt so lousy. He then started telling me that I had to come downstairs, for the sake of the kids. When I did come down, I was still upset so he sent me back upstairs again. He then came up and started telling me he just wanted the girls to have a nice day and that none of this is about him. I can't take it anymore. I feel a useless specimen of a wife, mother and employee. I'm not sure what I'm looking for anyone to say, but I feel I need help. What can I do? Ive already tried to sort out the intimacy stuff - HRT and I've had endometriosis removed. Now I feel even if the physical reasons for the lack of intimacy were gone, I wouldn't want to have sex with him anyway. Is his behaviour reasonable given the suffering I have undoubtedly caused him? I know my illness isn't his fault, but it does understandably take its toll. Thanks for ready, so sorry for long post. X x

emptythelitterbox · 04/12/2022 07:50

PP have given helpful resources and advice.

One thing you might find that your chronic condition improves once you are away from this abusive twat.
The body keeps score when exposed to abuse, trauma, and stress over time.

HBP, auto immune disorders, migraines, etc.

welshpolarbear · 04/12/2022 07:52

Op, I feel so sad for you that he has made you believe it's all your fault.

I have a chronic health condition that affects everything. My DH works away too. He comes home and picks up the slack, makes sure I get a rest, take out DS out etc.

If I was too ill to go visit family he'd go with DS himself. Let me rest.

Please seriously think about how you could financially leave and start putting things together. Your self esteem has been completely eroded. You are not to blame. His abusive behaviour is.

OnlyYellowRoses · 04/12/2022 07:58

What a horrible person!
Sweetheart, you are not at fault at all. I'm sure even if you had a choice, you wouldn't choose to be poorly all the time.
Continual illness is bad enough without them being emotionally abused on top of that, by the person who is supposed to love you the most.

You need to think about how you would feel if someone was in a relationship with your children, when they were older, and they treated them this way. Would you tell them it was all their fault? No. You'd tell them to leave and support them to do it.

You need to get rid, he sounds really nasty. I'm assuming when he's working away, you already do all the parenting and house stuff by yourself? It would be no different without him, you'd just be happier x x

BeyondTheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 04/12/2022 08:01

I'm disabled, my ex was abusive, my DW is not

It's not your health that is causing this.

IncompleteSenten · 04/12/2022 08:04

So much for in sickness and in health.

What is the point of being with him?

Pineconederby · 04/12/2022 08:22

As everyone else says, absolutely not right. He is abusive and you need help and support to leave.

The only thing I would say, and this is no way a defence of his behaviour, is that when you became ill, his life changed too. I too have a DH with a chronic condition and my life is hard (not as hard as his). I am mum and dad and the 50/50 split I expected when we became parents has become 20/80 at best and I am permanently exhausted. I have the added pressure of looking after him too. We are both able to work but that’s all he can cope with. I do literally everything else - house/cooking/cleaning/children/planning/organising/Xmas/finances/cars… I have zero time to myself, nothing for me and no sex life either. Sometimes I want to cry when he takes yet another sleep at the weekend. I average 6 hours a night if that! His condition also makes him quite grumpy (in part frustration that he cannot do what he used to). So not only am I left looking after everyone, with no one to look after me or who has my back, he’s often ungrateful and bitter when he speaks to me. As a PP said, tolerance is a struggle and I have thought about divorce. In caring for him I have neglected the very essence of myself, lost my personality and missed out on living. I can’t even go to an evening gym class as when I tried this, I came back to find him asleep and the (youngish) DCs still up as he’d fallen asleep 😭

All of the above said, I do not behave in the way your DH does towards you. That is wrong.

MintJulia · 04/12/2022 08:32

Why are you still together?

Neither of you is happy and that will have a detrimental effect on your dcs. Can't you just end the marriage? Live separately.

Weekendwanderer · 04/12/2022 08:41

I see all the usual mumsnet responders are out in force. “He’s a pig” “LTB”. While I don’t condone his behaviour in anyway if you want to save your relationship you need to try and understand his feelings and where it’s coming from and if possible work on a way forward together (same goes for him). Or you can just say it’s all his problem and leave. Sounds like he is deeply frustrated & disappointed. He works away, presumably v busy & stressful, and looks forward to coming back and having quality family time with his wife and kids in the limited time he has before he has to go away again (I used to be in this exact situation). Unfortunately your illness prevents that’s and “robs” him of this. The only way you’re going to potentially work through this is to sit down together and calmly and honestly talk it through. But you both need to accept that separating might be the only way forward as the current situation cannot continue. It really comes down to whether he can accept the new reality of your situation and it’s impact on your relationship and family life. He needs to be honest with himself most of all. If he honestly can’t live with it, then separation is probably for the best. Btw, In sickness and health and all that is utter rubbish. If a person changes massively from the one you formed a relationship with, then off course you are right to question that.

differentnameforthis · 04/12/2022 08:58

Weekendwanderer · 04/12/2022 08:41

I see all the usual mumsnet responders are out in force. “He’s a pig” “LTB”. While I don’t condone his behaviour in anyway if you want to save your relationship you need to try and understand his feelings and where it’s coming from and if possible work on a way forward together (same goes for him). Or you can just say it’s all his problem and leave. Sounds like he is deeply frustrated & disappointed. He works away, presumably v busy & stressful, and looks forward to coming back and having quality family time with his wife and kids in the limited time he has before he has to go away again (I used to be in this exact situation). Unfortunately your illness prevents that’s and “robs” him of this. The only way you’re going to potentially work through this is to sit down together and calmly and honestly talk it through. But you both need to accept that separating might be the only way forward as the current situation cannot continue. It really comes down to whether he can accept the new reality of your situation and it’s impact on your relationship and family life. He needs to be honest with himself most of all. If he honestly can’t live with it, then separation is probably for the best. Btw, In sickness and health and all that is utter rubbish. If a person changes massively from the one you formed a relationship with, then off course you are right to question that.

I think you need to re-read the OP.

He's abusive. To OP & their kids. That has nothing to do with depression, or working away, or being stressed or anything else. HE'S ABUSIVE.

They all need to be away from him. You should not be encouraging OP to stay with an abusive man whose behaviour could cause OP to lose her children.

differentnameforthis · 04/12/2022 09:00

Weekendwanderer · 04/12/2022 08:41

I see all the usual mumsnet responders are out in force. “He’s a pig” “LTB”. While I don’t condone his behaviour in anyway if you want to save your relationship you need to try and understand his feelings and where it’s coming from and if possible work on a way forward together (same goes for him). Or you can just say it’s all his problem and leave. Sounds like he is deeply frustrated & disappointed. He works away, presumably v busy & stressful, and looks forward to coming back and having quality family time with his wife and kids in the limited time he has before he has to go away again (I used to be in this exact situation). Unfortunately your illness prevents that’s and “robs” him of this. The only way you’re going to potentially work through this is to sit down together and calmly and honestly talk it through. But you both need to accept that separating might be the only way forward as the current situation cannot continue. It really comes down to whether he can accept the new reality of your situation and it’s impact on your relationship and family life. He needs to be honest with himself most of all. If he honestly can’t live with it, then separation is probably for the best. Btw, In sickness and health and all that is utter rubbish. If a person changes massively from the one you formed a relationship with, then off course you are right to question that.

And it is disgusting to insinuate that this is somehow OP's fault because of her illness.

qpmz · 04/12/2022 09:02

Zanatdy · 04/12/2022 05:58

Bless you. I wouldn’t want to have sex with him either. What’s the problem meaning sex is a problem? Is it painful for you? Are there other positions you could try? Could you try other forms of sexual intimacy instead of actual intercourse?

The problem is the husband

CrotchetyQuaver · 04/12/2022 09:09

That's abusive behaviour.

You'd probably feel so much better if you weren't dreading his visits back home. Let's face it you're on your own and having to get on with it most of the time already.

Herejustforthisone · 04/12/2022 09:10

Weekendwanderer · 04/12/2022 08:41

I see all the usual mumsnet responders are out in force. “He’s a pig” “LTB”. While I don’t condone his behaviour in anyway if you want to save your relationship you need to try and understand his feelings and where it’s coming from and if possible work on a way forward together (same goes for him). Or you can just say it’s all his problem and leave. Sounds like he is deeply frustrated & disappointed. He works away, presumably v busy & stressful, and looks forward to coming back and having quality family time with his wife and kids in the limited time he has before he has to go away again (I used to be in this exact situation). Unfortunately your illness prevents that’s and “robs” him of this. The only way you’re going to potentially work through this is to sit down together and calmly and honestly talk it through. But you both need to accept that separating might be the only way forward as the current situation cannot continue. It really comes down to whether he can accept the new reality of your situation and it’s impact on your relationship and family life. He needs to be honest with himself most of all. If he honestly can’t live with it, then separation is probably for the best. Btw, In sickness and health and all that is utter rubbish. If a person changes massively from the one you formed a relationship with, then off course you are right to question that.

Fuck off with your victim blaming. She’s the victim of abuse and she has a chronic health condition. The abusive man is entirely at fault here, stop being an apologist for abusive male behaviour.

Herejustforthisone · 04/12/2022 09:13

Are you a man @Weekendwanderer? I feel like you might be a man…

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 09:18

He's abusive in a number of fronts.

This is very unhealthy for your daughter's to be seeing.

bloodyeverlastinghell · 04/12/2022 09:27

He is abusive it’s no wonder you feel anxious and upset. My ex was a lot like this which is why we’re divorced. I felt so much lighter with him gone.

You may find without the stress of him looming over you, your physical condition improves. Stress and anxiety is not just mental it’s physically damaging too.

I didn’t want to have sex with him either. If he tried to touch me I could hear all the names he called me. Lazy, stupid, I was emotionally switched off so when I told him to leave there was no sadness. Just a feeling like I was able to breathe again due a weight being lifted.

Twopeasinthesamepod · 04/12/2022 09:35

Heartless pig. You deserve better.

Sarahcoggles · 04/12/2022 09:42

What are your chronic health conditions OP?

beastlyslumber · 04/12/2022 10:00

Weekendwanderer · 04/12/2022 08:41

I see all the usual mumsnet responders are out in force. “He’s a pig” “LTB”. While I don’t condone his behaviour in anyway if you want to save your relationship you need to try and understand his feelings and where it’s coming from and if possible work on a way forward together (same goes for him). Or you can just say it’s all his problem and leave. Sounds like he is deeply frustrated & disappointed. He works away, presumably v busy & stressful, and looks forward to coming back and having quality family time with his wife and kids in the limited time he has before he has to go away again (I used to be in this exact situation). Unfortunately your illness prevents that’s and “robs” him of this. The only way you’re going to potentially work through this is to sit down together and calmly and honestly talk it through. But you both need to accept that separating might be the only way forward as the current situation cannot continue. It really comes down to whether he can accept the new reality of your situation and it’s impact on your relationship and family life. He needs to be honest with himself most of all. If he honestly can’t live with it, then separation is probably for the best. Btw, In sickness and health and all that is utter rubbish. If a person changes massively from the one you formed a relationship with, then off course you are right to question that.

OP and her children are being abused and living with a violent abuser. I don't think that you understand the situation at all. Are you a child? I wouldn't expect this level of emotional illiteracy in an adult woman.

differentnameforthis · 04/12/2022 10:02

Sarahcoggles · 04/12/2022 09:42

What are your chronic health conditions OP?

Why does it matter? If op wanted to share, she would have.

Greenfairydust · 04/12/2022 10:31

Start making plans to leave him.

Use his next trip to make your move.

No one should have to put up with this, especially when they are in poor health. Your husband is an abusive pig.

Original poster

Giguguvuvh1981 · 04/12/2022 16:04

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. I really appreciate all your thoughts - from both sides of the argument! I've emailed (from my bed) that he needs to get help in dealing with his anger. If he doesn't, my bag is packed for the next time I get shouted at. He won't treat my children like that so I feel safe enough knowing they'll be fine with him until he goes back to work. He'll find it difficult as he works hard and is always tired, but like what I have to do when he's away, he'll just have to get on with it. He only hates me and never treats anyone else like that. As his drinking has lost him friends, I'm not sure who else he'll turn to other than his parents, who live over 100 miles away. Here's hoping that he'll get help. Thanks again.

OP posts:

FuckFuckGo · 04/12/2022 19:24

Please speak to Women’s Aid OP, the way he is treating you is so abusive and the situation sounds dangerous. You’ve said he never treats anyone else like this so he CAN control it, he just chooses not to with you. A man like this cannot get help ‘dealing with his anger’ because the issue clearly isn’t that he is angry because he is only angry with you. The issue is he is abusive and you do not deserve any of this.

I have endometriosis as well and can understand what you’re saying but your perspective is so skewed. How can you blame yourself for any of this? It’s not your fault. Would you treat him this way if he had an excruciating condition of the testicles? Of course you wouldn’t! You deserve love and kindness.

Please please please contact Women’s Aid and talk it through with someone. You can also get support from Endometriosis UK. They have a helpline and webchat, and support groups online and all around the country. Do not accept his shit, it’s appalling.

Doidontimmm · 04/12/2022 21:20

Please don’t leave your kids with an angry drinking man who thinks it’s ok to shout & slam doors etc in front of them. Take them with you.

beastlyslumber · 04/12/2022 21:34

He won't treat my children like that so I feel safe enough knowing they'll be fine with him until he goes back to work.

He already does treat your children "like that". He is abusing them.

You need to protect your children from him.