Hi there,
This is the first time I've posted on here so not really sure what to expect!
I've been with my husband for 19 years. We have two girls - one 6, the other 12.
I'm a teacher but have a chronic health condition which makes me ill all the time. My husband works abroad and although hates where he is working atm, he loves his job.
Over the last 4 years, due to my illness, we haven't been able to have sex. There is now no physical intimacy at all. Moreover, when my husband arrives home, he is fine for a few days then becomes quite nasty and verbally abusive. He drinks a lot, but usually after a couple of weeks things get better. I do not drink at all anymore.
My husband is really nasty to me when I'm ill - like I am at the moment with covid. He'll do things like come in and put the light on, start shouting at me, storm around kicking things and slamming doors REALLY hard. He also says in a loud voice to the kids that they can't get things done for them because 'Mum's too unwell' but says it in a really fed up and disgusted way. The knock on effect is that I now feel clinically anxious all the time, which is making me ill. I have to apologise to my kids, to my employers (I'm a teacher), friends and of course to him.
Yesterday, when I tested positive, he blew up and shouted at me in front of our girls that I had to call and tell his mum why everything was cancelled. He then went storming around the house yelling and slamming doors. I went upstairs and became do upset because I'd ruined his Christmas before he goes away and because I felt so lousy. He then started telling me that I had to come downstairs, for the sake of the kids. When I did come down, I was still upset so he sent me back upstairs again. He then came up and started telling me he just wanted the girls to have a nice day and that none of this is about him.
I can't take it anymore. I feel a useless specimen of a wife, mother and employee.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for anyone to say, but I feel I need help. What can I do? Ive already tried to sort out the intimacy stuff - HRT and I've had endometriosis removed. Now I feel even if the physical reasons for the lack of intimacy were gone, I wouldn't want to have sex with him anyway.
Is his behaviour reasonable given the suffering I have undoubtedly caused him? I know my illness isn't his fault, but it does understandably take its toll.
Thanks for ready, so sorry for long post. X x