Sister minimised partners child sex offences, I've now lost my family

[Littlechat85]

My sister contacted me in August this year to tell me her fiance was going to court the following week to see if he was guilty of accessing child pornography, I immediately told her to go to our parents house for a family meeting and told her she could not continue her relationship if this was true, I would never accept such behaviour, I have children & work with abuse of children, so there is NO comprises for me on this.

I later received messages saying if he goes to prison she will leave him, if he gets community then she will work it out, she doesn't want to loose her Family Or him, but waiting for the judgement.

Because of my children and job, she had been advised to tell me by the police, the police also needed to contact me to discuss.....this is where it goes sideways.....

The police confirmed her fiance was arrested about a year ago, was already convinced of child sex offences, had signed the SOR and was banned from any public place where children could be...... sister withheld ALL these details.

I told my parents this information, yet in the few days that passed Inbetween family meeting and call with police, the sister had minimised the whole thing to parents and convinced them he had been 'set up' they didn't believe me and treated me like a liar

I warned parents about supporting this nonsense and if this becomes public knowledge in community, they will likely suffer consequences of association - he was sentenced to three months right after this....... obviously as he WAS already guilty, a risk to children and she already knew ALL of this, took me on a merry go round to try play victim somehow.....

Sister has been at parents since he was put iñ prison, manipulating them further, I've tried to take my daughter to see my mum but sister is always there and the only time I took her, my stepdad (sisters real dad) ignored my daughter and both parents moody with me......I asked if sister was still there a few weeks back, dad sent message about how they are setting her a flat up ect, I criticized them ' I hope your not setting her flat up for a pedophile to move into when he's released ' as this is exactly what appears they are doing....stepdad blocked me

I called mum few days later as dad had unblocked to message n say mum had been in hospital, I checked how she was and said at end of call, 'dont you go anywhere I've had to lose enough people recently ' indicating to having to distance myself from my sister due to her decisions and minimising behaviour, my mum said to me 'you will loose me too if you carry on what your saying' I snapped and hung up, I was furious my mum threatened me with abandonment (she used this as a weapon in my childhood)

I am just flabbergasted at the fact I've now lost my sister AND parents for standing on moral ground and attempting to remove and protect them all from the damage that could.come with such an association, because I can't even really discuss this with anyone (had to disclose to my employer, was not easy!) It's making me loose my mind, I think FAR too much & keep getting quite angry, I'm also pregnant and they are my only family so it's a touch break to have to make.

I KNOW hand on heart I'm standing by what is RIGHT and thinking of all the victims of the crimes he watched, but to be made out to be the bad one for voicing what is right is really tough, views and honesty from neutral people may help to bring me some peace of mind, this is extremely unusual and even with all my own professional knowledge, it's hard to accept I've basically lost my family because I won't support a pedophile, what would you have done? Xx

You now know you can NEVER trust your children with these people.- they will not keep them safe. That’s really all you need to think about. It’s shit and upsetting but you need to protect your children.

They are rallying around a man who viewed images and video of children being sexually assaulted and raped.

This is why language is so important and why the phrase 'child pornography' needs to be completely rejected.

Not me having a go at you individually OP, it's just so important we use language that accurately reflects reality in law.

The same as the phrase 'underage girls' should always be replaced with 'children'.

For him to have been convicted there will have been a mountain of evidence. For him to then receive a custodial sentence, the category of content he was looking at will have been unthinkably terrible.

It's all terrible, obviously, but a custodial sentence is depressingly rare for this offence so him being sentenced to time is incredibly telling.

I simply couldn't trust her or your parents ever again if I was you OP. Their judgement and priorities aren't just foolish, they are dangerous. I would be going NC with her and seriously considering whether to do the same with your parents.

What they are essentially condoning and minimising is sickening. Stomach churningly, disgustingly sickening.

You're absolutely right to protect your children. The children in the photos or videos he was charged for viewing are real children. That your sister and parents can bear to even say his name, let alone all the stuff they're doing, is unforgivable for me.

The main wrong doing here is the idiot judge for only giving him 3 months! What kind of deterrent is that to protect the most vulnerable and innocent? Makes me sick. Then of course your sister and parents are completely wrong for standing by this sick bastard. Keep you and your kids safe op youve definitely done the right thing. I would have told everyone within a 100 mile radius tbh

Gosh, this is so tough but you are 100% doing the right thing. I’ve lost my entire family in similar circumstances, though the abuser is my stepdad (the children he abused were his daughters) and the person with their head in the sand is my mum.

Its’s been truly awful. I’ve never had a moment of doubt about the decision I made, but the harassment and abuse I’ve experienced as a result has been so traumatic. It’s gone as far as friends of my mum’s stalking me on social media to download photos of my children to send to them and people my mum knows who I’ve never even met contacting me to tell me what a terrible person I am.

The reality is that as much as the MN narrative about people who abuse children is very much cut them off and don’t look back. 95% of people wouldn’t do that if it was someone close to them rather than some random on a forum. I know because it’s happened to me twice (another close family member in dh’s family). Dh and I are the only people (except those who were abused) who have gone NC. Everyone else carries on as if it never happened. It means we are the black sheep in both our families.

But it has 100% been worth it and I have no regrets about the decision we’ve made. It means we can go about life knowing we don’t have to worry about the what if’s.

I have a close friend from growing up whose parents went NC with grandparents when granddad was accused of sexual abuse. My friend is mid 30s now. Hasn’t seen her grandparents since she was about 10. She is so incredibly grateful and recognises the really painful decision her parents made to protect her. She had a lovely childhood and has no sadness about the fact her grandmother chose an abuser over her. She is just thankful for the happy childhood she had and what great parents she has. It gives me confidence we are absolutely doing the right thing.

This must be terribly upsetting for you. I’ve had to go no contact with family members myself and it is emotionally distressing. You know that you’re doing the right thing, I hope. Clearly, your children and your own health must be your priority here. I’d send a brief message to your mum saying you’re going to take some time to think it all through and make some decisions, and you’ll be no contact with any of them until you’ve done so. Then if I were you I’d really evaluate your relationship with your mum. Your sister is willing to sacrifice a lot to be with a man who has an evil, perverted, sexual predation. To be clear he’s sexually interested in children, not her, so something is seriously lacking in her upbringing to make her think that’s acceptable or to be willing to delude herself to that extent. You’ve said that it’s a tactic of your mums to threaten abandonment and that she did that when you were a child. I think your mum might have a cluster b personality disorder that has impacted you and your sister and when you’ve gone no contact with all of them you will be able to explore that and heal.

My reference is to the statement my sister provided to me initially, I am aware of correct terminology, indecent explicit and harmful images of children, yet I am not here on supervision reflecting on terminology in a personal pp ost, I am seeking genuine views on an unprecedented trauma, not predantic critics'

Thank you, I appreciate your comment on language which is helpful and informative as opposed to criticize, the crime does need to be put in it's horrific context absolutely.

Your insights are valuable and echo my own, thank you, I will keep no contact in place with all, I need to process and accept they are not able to make safe decision or base their view on actual evidence but no point getting into moral conflict, keeping me and children safe and away from such attitudes is much more importantly than the loss of the relationships.

I will navigate the estrangement bereavement while out of the pan so to speak, not easy but a requirement of my own parenting attitudes for sure, thanks again x

You did the right thing. Your sister and parents are hideously wrong to condone, excuse or minimise what this man does.

As a matter of interest, when he was most recently in court, did he plead guilty to the charges? How does Sis explain that?

So sorry you’re going through this OP. You are 100% right.

To be honest there just be a background of family dysfunction for their mindset to be so ‘open’ for want if a better word to such crimes.
In going to assume you’ve been raised in a dysfunctional family dynamic of sorts.

In your situation I would cut them all off. I know it’s heartbreaking but no good will ever come from this. I bet if you had therapy you’d probably uncover lots of other emotionally abusive, gaslighting behaviours you’ve endured from them over the years.

If my DP was to be accused of such horrors my family would cut all contact with him and me if I stood by him. His family would be devastated and probably all go no contact. Maybe his mother would tolerate a phone call annually or something but I doubt that. That’s a normal reaction to such a sinister and abhorrent crime.

Your family have a shockingly unhealthy attitude. Protect your own emotional well-being and go no contact. It’ll serve you long-term.

I wish you well.

OK I'm on your side on this with regards this stance over this man, I think you have done the right thing by protecting your children, and if your family think differently then you are better our without them in your life.

HOWEVER it's really not pedantic for people to pull you up on the child pornography reference.

The photos of 7 year old me that exist somewhere in the ether for men to wank over are not child pornography, they are evidence of me being sexually abused.

You didn't need to write your OP the way you did. Just because she called it that if you as you say know better then you should have had the understanding of how someone like me would feel seeing you describe it using those two words.

I've felt complicit enough over the years, even though I obviously wasn't. Knowing that one of the worst things that happened to me is still called child pornography makes me feel sick.

Moving on, I hope you can find a way to help your family see how ridiculous they are being standing by this nonce. It must feel awful to be suddenly shunned for doing what is most certainly 100% the right thing.

I'd be knocking on every house in you're parents street and then your sister's new street warning them never to let their children and grandchildren anywhere near your parents/sisters house In case this twat is ever there with your sister. Maybe the neighbours having a few not very happy words with them will help them see the stupidity of their choice.

Good luck.

Boiled

Echoing others who are saying you are doing the right thing. Their stance is appalling. I wonder whether your parents are so shocked by the whole thing they are not processing it properly. If they do keep a relationship with this monster, although the estrangement is painful your children and you are going to want/need to be completely distanced from them.

Get the trial script , they are normally easy to get , send them to them . Or better try and speak with a police officer and explain you feel your mum and stepdad are being lied and manipulated. They might actually believe a law enforcement officer ?

Your sister is not a victim, she is an enabler! And potentially a procurer if she withheld all of that information! I would completely cut this pathetic shitstain out of your life, as well as your parent/step parent.

Fucking hell this is insane

Years ago when I was married, I was living in the same house as my husband's parents until we had money to move to our own place.

There was a lodger in there too, I was only ever told he was a friend of the family.

Turns out he was a fucking paedophile. My now ex husband neglected to tell me that, and his parents also neglected to tell me that.

It was only after my ex's mother had a meltdown one night and blurted out that he was going to prison soon, and I asked WHY, that someone told me.

I was stunned into silence. Her excuse was, "well he never did any wrong by us."

I had to leave the room. I then had to tell my husband that I was very much NOT okay with any of that, a.) Because it's fucking disgusting, b.) Because I was groomed and molested by my childhood best friend's father, and C.) Why the fuck didn't you tell me this before I moved in?

His reasoning was because he didn't think I would move in.

Damned right I wouldn't have.

THEN, when he DID finally go to prison, the neighbours all wanted to know if we knew what he was a paedophile.

He and his parents said they didn't know.

I was stunned again, because I didn't have anywhere to go, and I was in the house with paedophile apologists.

It should come as no surprise that I divorced that bastard.

It will be very clear to your family that your sister has been lying for her disgusting partner, and when it comes out in the wash, I hope that they apologise to you, but something tells me they won't.

This is so shit. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

There isn't a choice. You are protecting your children who should always come first. I'd have done exactly the same. Leave them to it.
You can't choose your family but you can your friends so turn to them instead.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. I would be actively furious with your entire family for siding with your sisters disgusting abusive partner and failing to protect your own children. If anything I would have been harsher and bunter about their own part in denying his crimes and placing your children at risk. You should be the one angry with them rather than the other way around. Families can be so shit sometimes, but you've done the right thing and they are safer without your family in their lives.

You are doing the right thing, OP. As much as it hurts, you are protecting your children x

@Littlechat85

You will have to tell others - people in your family and friendship groups.

Tell your family that you will be informing others of his multiple convictions of paedophilia. Keep it factual. Tell them you will be sharing the court transcript. Then it's up to your wider family and friends as to whether they want to stay in contact with them.

it's hard to accept I've basically lost my family because I won't support a pedophile, what would you have done?

I can’t say for sure because thankfully our family have not been out is such a horrible situation. But what I would hope I would do is approach it in what I think would be the best way to show compassion to my sister and support her to come to terms with the horror of knowing what this man is.

You see it all the time on MN: women grappling because they are still in love with the person they thought they had a relationship with rather than the lying, cheating, violent man they now have before they. It’s complex, it takes time, and it doesn’t mean they condone or support the behaviour.

You said to a pp upthread Thank you, I appreciate your comment on language which is helpful and informative as opposed to criticize,

That’s how people are facilitated to accept and change. Your sister and parents probably felt criticised by you from the off. All your communication has started with a warning, a threat or an accusation that you assume they are doing wrong.

Of course you cannot have anything to do with them if they continue any relationship, communication or support of this man. There is no question if that, you are morally right to condemn what he has done and obviously will protect your children, and your professional reputation.

The estrangement is obviously painful for you now you see their behaviour. But a little compassion for your sister who must have been feeling a bit the same way.

Who knows whether initial support and facilitation was ever going to work, but castigating then never would have. You asked the q at the end of your OP, so that’s my perspective.

FWIW I might try another ‘go’ with them. Tell your DSis how sorry you are she has had to face this. Understand how easy it is to not see red flags etc.

And gently explain that your vehemence and fury has been against the crime, not against her but point out that you fear for her and how he was set to destroy her life had they married: he will be unemployable , they can never have kids because SS will intervene and not allow children to have contact etc, and you are angry that he put her in this position because as well as caring about the abused children you care about her.

I really hope there is a way your family can listen to you because they won’t be confiding in friends.

I agree, I was just feeling a little criticised and hadn't provided the outline in conversation context, i.e how the information had been initially presented by the sister, Ty for your feedback I appreciate your time and comment x

@Littlechat85 i don’t think anyone in your situation would want to do any differently

sure some have said your reaction was extreme, but that’s odd for them to say, especially if they’ve never been in that situation, AND if they don’t work in the area you do.

you gave your sister and family the opportunity to make the best decision that would protect your kids and any others in the family, but they didn’t take it. That’s on them.

your only job in all this is to make the best decisions for you and for your children and that’s what you’re doing. No question about your ability to protect your children. Thank goodness they have you for their mum.

With your parents/sister, you tried. You can’t make people do what you want them to do, they have to make their own mistakes. And they’re making them. Big ones.

their moral compass is so far off that you know that they won’t ever keep you or your kids safe. Maybe they think that because they have no kids that he’s no risk to them. I feel sorry for their neighbours. I hope the whole area finds out. Maybe THAT will be what finally breaks the spell.

Honestly, don’t sweat the grammar/terminology! You’ve got far bigger fish to fry than worrying about putting someone else’s words in to officially accepted language.

im so sorry you’ve had such an awful shock. It won’t always feel this raw. Just hold your line and your nerve and focus on what’s important , you and your kids.

So sorry for your situation. Could you get a letter of the charges from the police to show to your parents? Or do something so they know the real version?

I really am very grateful to all those who have commented, it's actually been really helpful on a next level of therapy, to see all the perspectives, many of which I share and it's made me feel much better, confident & stronger to move through this.

There are SO many tips and healing I received from this feed, I cannot possibly thank you all individually but please know, I read and reflected on every single one, thank you to those who shared their story, and put ALL their truth into their expressions, they have been invaluable! 💖

All those who reinforced that this crime is complete unacceptable, inhumane and should not be enabled, thank you, I get my sister has her own dynamics in this, but she should be doing the right thing and she's sat on the facts for long enough, I won't keep fiering off but I think the blunt truths I did say to her were the reality she needed to hear, she's manipulated herself into thinking he clicked ONE link in error..........I am going to follow up the legal line and see what I can get in writing, thanak you for this advice too.

I haven't had any contact since the call with mum, in reflection, I think my reaction has very much been to try abndon her first, the dysfunction runs deep and it's annoying I've kept them.in my life to keep repeating some of them hurts, I think no contact will remain to be the best option while I behind to re-evaluate who I choose yo allow into our libes going forward from here.

I have said from start, when wider family ask, I'm not hiding as they need the into to make informed decisions about their relationships too, I think this may be where parents realise it's not a me thing, this is a much bigger 'DO the right tjing' or you are just enabling tolerance of the most horrifying crimes man can make, child sexual abuse is unacceptable on any level & that's my point here, I'd rather stand by my passion to feel the injustice for the victims of such a crime than stand by a family who would rather ring fence a pedophile and blame my fierce response than act as appropriate adults.

Thank you ALL so much and apologies if I have offended anyone, I was never going to get ANY of this perfect, it's an unimaginable situation but I think everything for a reason and this big red flag may remove further pain for me in the future and thts something to be happy about 😊

I'm sure you're already on it, but you may want to amend guardians for your children in your will or leave a letter of directions for social services to be delivered on your death explaining the situation and that there should be no or supervised contact only with these relatives.