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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sister minimised partners child sex offences, I've now lost my family

129 replies

Littlechat85 · 01/12/2022 16:54

My sister contacted me in August this year to tell me her fiance was going to court the following week to see if he was guilty of accessing child pornography, I immediately told her to go to our parents house for a family meeting and told her she could not continue her relationship if this was true, I would never accept such behaviour, I have children & work with abuse of children, so there is NO comprises for me on this.

I later received messages saying if he goes to prison she will leave him, if he gets community then she will work it out, she doesn't want to loose her Family Or him, but waiting for the judgement.

Because of my children and job, she had been advised to tell me by the police, the police also needed to contact me to discuss.....this is where it goes sideways.....

The police confirmed her fiance was arrested about a year ago, was already convinced of child sex offences, had signed the SOR and was banned from any public place where children could be...... sister withheld ALL these details.

I told my parents this information, yet in the few days that passed Inbetween family meeting and call with police, the sister had minimised the whole thing to parents and convinced them he had been 'set up' they didn't believe me and treated me like a liar

I warned parents about supporting this nonsense and if this becomes public knowledge in community, they will likely suffer consequences of association - he was sentenced to three months right after this....... obviously as he WAS already guilty, a risk to children and she already knew ALL of this, took me on a merry go round to try play victim somehow.....

Sister has been at parents since he was put iñ prison, manipulating them further, I've tried to take my daughter to see my mum but sister is always there and the only time I took her, my stepdad (sisters real dad) ignored my daughter and both parents moody with me......I asked if sister was still there a few weeks back, dad sent message about how they are setting her a flat up ect, I criticized them ' I hope your not setting her flat up for a pedophile to move into when he's released ' as this is exactly what appears they are doing....stepdad blocked me

I called mum few days later as dad had unblocked to message n say mum had been in hospital, I checked how she was and said at end of call, 'dont you go anywhere I've had to lose enough people recently ' indicating to having to distance myself from my sister due to her decisions and minimising behaviour, my mum said to me 'you will loose me too if you carry on what your saying' I snapped and hung up, I was furious my mum threatened me with abandonment (she used this as a weapon in my childhood)

I am just flabbergasted at the fact I've now lost my sister AND parents for standing on moral ground and attempting to remove and protect them all from the damage that could.come with such an association, because I can't even really discuss this with anyone (had to disclose to my employer, was not easy!) It's making me loose my mind, I think FAR too much & keep getting quite angry, I'm also pregnant and they are my only family so it's a touch break to have to make.

I KNOW hand on heart I'm standing by what is RIGHT and thinking of all the victims of the crimes he watched, but to be made out to be the bad one for voicing what is right is really tough, views and honesty from neutral people may help to bring me some peace of mind, this is extremely unusual and even with all my own professional knowledge, it's hard to accept I've basically lost my family because I won't support a pedophile, what would you have done? Xx

OP posts:
Naunet · 01/12/2022 20:44

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/12/2022 20:39

You are of course right, you need to separate yourself and your children from this man.

Your family should also remove this man from their lives and it’s frustrating they haven’t.

However, if you want them to do the right thing, you could approach it better. Calling family meetings, and your comment to your stepfather about setting up an apartment for a pedophile when he was actually helping his daughter with her flat isn’t likely to help you achieve your goal.

No one should have to be persuaded to cut out a child abuser.

TheSilentPicnic · 01/12/2022 20:46

I think you are being incredibly judgmental. You are assuming your sister had all the details of her partner's arrests, court dates, prior convictions etc when it is much more likely that he withheld that information from her.

Your sister is pretty much a victim in this. Clearly her partner is a seasoned manipulator and your sister has fallen prey to him. She is not going to respond well to your orders and threats. Why would she? If you consider how this must be for her, she will be dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions - fear, sadness, shock, anger, rejection and so on. Can you not give her an inch to try to come to terms with what has happened? She is much more likely to listen to you if she feels supported, but you have forced her into a corner and she will naturally stick with the people who show her love.

You can keep yourself and your children safe by staying out of it, but you cannot force any other adults to behave as you deign. You need to accept where you are at and continue with your own life rather than keep trying to force other people to take your "side" and follow your instructions. If you back off, it is likely the space will give them time to reflect and they may well become more open to your stance. But they will need to feel that it is their decision rather than one forced upon them.

SnackyOnassis · 01/12/2022 20:52

You're doing exactly the right thing, OP. I can't understand some of the comments you're receiving here criticising the vehemence of your decision or scale of your reaction - child sexual abuse and people who view it for their pleasure is not in any way acceptable, tolerable or something anyone should have to temper their reaction to.
It's a universal horror and something there's no ambiguity about - none of this nonsense of your sister maybe not knowing how bad it is. Even a sniff of child abuse is horrific and she knows it. She's choosing to tolerate it, and that is disgusting.

Stick with your plan, and if your family doesn't wise up, then you'll be even more certain you've made the right choice. People like that can add nothing to your life or that of your lovely little family - you've got history with them obviously, but if this is what they think is acceptable human behaviour, then there's nothing positive in their future and no place for them in yours.
Good luck with your pregnancy and with the road ahead xxx

Original poster
Littlechat85 · 01/12/2022 20:54

Sister does NOT have children with him, she did become pregnant by him earier this year ( established from police dates this was after his raid and arrest) and ive been supporting her miscarriage since......more deceptive behaviour, hence my 🔥

When he is let out of prison, he will be homeless, her visits to him refusal to Tel me her relationship status and blocking contact when I've asked this to protect my child , BIG indications of her decision making process, she's already made it by NOT leaving immidiately - sorry if it appears harsh to some, but if he is on probation to her flat, she is guilty by association and she will put herself at risk with community, this is what I didn't want my parents to be seen to be supporting but recognise it's their choice, if/ when people find out, they will recognise their errors and my potential support, given not in the best of manners.

I cannot accept this crime in ANY way, it's evil end of and anybody who minimises it is equally as guilty, I understand they are easily influenced but they had a professional screaming the facts n evidence that just fell on deaf ears, hence why I have to walk away right now, I appreciate your honesty time and comments - Ty xxI

OP posts:
Fizzadora · 01/12/2022 20:54

If he got jail time then it was really serious stuff. Most of them get off with it nowadays.

Original poster
Littlechat85 · 01/12/2022 20:55

Thank you 😊💘

OP posts:
maryofthevirginkind · 01/12/2022 20:56

Can you not explain to your Dsis and Dm that this is not a victimless crime and how would they feel if your children had their photos or a video taken and were abused and it posted online for others to see. Maybe try to make it more "real" to them.

You've done the right thing anyway.

Summerfun54321 · 01/12/2022 21:02

What a heartbreaking situation for you. I’d want to leak the information about him and ruin his reputation publicly so they’re forced to distance themselves from him, but considering your job that’s probably a terrible idea.

Cloud9isnowclosed · 01/12/2022 21:03

Please don't use the term child pornography OP - given you work in an adjacent field, you should know better.

AlbertaAnnie · 01/12/2022 21:10

I think most people would feel the same as you op! Who wants a bloody sex offender/ pedo in the family! Your parents and sister sound like toxic anomaly’s and you are well rid! Protect your self and your children -

ScrollingLeaves · 01/12/2022 21:16

I support you.
The other day there was a news report about how parents in the Philippines are sexually abusing their children on line
because they are so poor and need to make money to eat. Apparently it was particularly rife during the Lockdowns.

As if that wasn’t horrifying enough, the market they send this child rape to is the U.K. as well as other places in Europe. What could be more vile than British men effectively raping very young children on this way.

Herejustforthisone · 01/12/2022 21:21

Your mother, stepfather and sister have chosen a twice-convicted paedophile over you and your children. Let that sink in.

Fuck them. They’re either thick as shit or morally bankrupt. Or both.

Original poster
Littlechat85 · 01/12/2022 21:23

SnackyOnassis · 01/12/2022 20:52

You're doing exactly the right thing, OP. I can't understand some of the comments you're receiving here criticising the vehemence of your decision or scale of your reaction - child sexual abuse and people who view it for their pleasure is not in any way acceptable, tolerable or something anyone should have to temper their reaction to.
It's a universal horror and something there's no ambiguity about - none of this nonsense of your sister maybe not knowing how bad it is. Even a sniff of child abuse is horrific and she knows it. She's choosing to tolerate it, and that is disgusting.

Stick with your plan, and if your family doesn't wise up, then you'll be even more certain you've made the right choice. People like that can add nothing to your life or that of your lovely little family - you've got history with them obviously, but if this is what they think is acceptable human behaviour, then there's nothing positive in their future and no place for them in yours.
Good luck with your pregnancy and with the road ahead xxx

Thank you, I wouldn't ever be able to get my approach to any of this perfect, but the sheer evil & unforgivable crime did bring extra wrath because it's against my entire being, I can't help that, I appreciate your comment of support in this area, 0 tolerance 💖 xx

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/12/2022 21:26

I’m so sorry

you are 1000% in the right morally

but you seem to be in a loop with a toxic family dynamic which is muddying the water

she’s your steps dads daughter ? Yet your mum favours her

I know you are pregnant and vulnerable

but distance yourself , look after yourself

their behaviour is messy and grim
and maybe something you don’t need to be part of xxx

beonmywaythen · 01/12/2022 21:29

WTF is wrong with your family?? I wouldn't want my children around them after supporting a man like that in any way.

Original poster
Littlechat85 · 01/12/2022 21:32

TheSilentPicnic · 01/12/2022 20:46

I think you are being incredibly judgmental. You are assuming your sister had all the details of her partner's arrests, court dates, prior convictions etc when it is much more likely that he withheld that information from her.

Your sister is pretty much a victim in this. Clearly her partner is a seasoned manipulator and your sister has fallen prey to him. She is not going to respond well to your orders and threats. Why would she? If you consider how this must be for her, she will be dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions - fear, sadness, shock, anger, rejection and so on. Can you not give her an inch to try to come to terms with what has happened? She is much more likely to listen to you if she feels supported, but you have forced her into a corner and she will naturally stick with the people who show her love.

You can keep yourself and your children safe by staying out of it, but you cannot force any other adults to behave as you deign. You need to accept where you are at and continue with your own life rather than keep trying to force other people to take your "side" and follow your instructions. If you back off, it is likely the space will give them time to reflect and they may well become more open to your stance. But they will need to feel that it is their decision rather than one forced upon them.

Please, refer to my comments, they will correct your misperceptions here, the police informed me she was aware of ALL details for a year before she told me about the final court hearing.

I am very aware of my own demands and expectations not being realistic, as you can read in my comments, I was honest about ALL evidence, to give platform to honest view

I appreciate your feedback in ways, not the critics derived from missed information & misinterpretation. Ty.

OP posts:
qwerdi · 01/12/2022 21:32

Keep strong. You are right to distance yourself from those who support him.

Loosing people who choose to support such criminals is heartbreaking but necessary.

I would write one letter giving your family notice that they are always welcome to come back into your life if they stop supporting him. Otherwise they leave you no choice.

Pipsquiggle · 01/12/2022 21:38

FFS how fucking stupid/ awful are your family?

I am so angry for you.

A convicted paedophile has usurped your position in your family.

Honestly, keep yourself and your DC safe.

Hopefully they will wake up soon and see what an evil individual he is. Shame on your sister for keeping that information from you.

oakleaffy · 01/12/2022 21:46

@Littlechat85 Awful!
You are absolutely correct in what you have done.
It’s shocking how families can coalesce to protect a vile sex offender- A paedophile at that.

A woman years ago had a family child disclose to her ( In innocence) something that sounded deeply suspicious-
She was screamed at by the wife of the alleged perpetrator , and was banned from visiting.

It was despicable.
The family said the 4 yr old was lying.

It was awful that they protected the “ Lifestyle “ of the family rather than call social services to check out the alleged perpetrator.

NoInvitesEver · 01/12/2022 21:46

So he's guilty beyond all reasonable doubt of sex crimes against children - the criminal standard - and they're on his side, over you and their grandchildren.
Absolutely disgusting. These are not victimless crimes - the children were sexually abused for his and perverts like him gratification.
In my view your family's actions are unforgivable whatever happens next.
You've absolutely done the right thing. Tough when you don't have close family but I've lost both my parents (they died) and while it was unthinkable to be without them, I can say you'll be ok.

Wonnle · 01/12/2022 21:54

Would the police reveal his previous convictions to just like that ?

Ponderingwindow · 01/12/2022 21:56

You say that you are worried about what happens when the community finds out about his transgressions. That is the one thing you should not be worried about. If you sister does resume living with him, then you should inform extended family and close friends of his conviction so they can make an informed choice about having him present at family events. You must be careful not to harass him. Just a one time informative transfer of publicly available information.

Original poster
Littlechat85 · 01/12/2022 22:01

Wonnle · 01/12/2022 21:54

Would the police reveal his previous convictions to just like that ?

As part of probation service, yes, they absolutely have to inform members of the partners family who have children.

I was subjected to mini assessment because my sister is viewed as risk factor as witheld info from me and put my child at risk for a year.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/12/2022 22:09

Cloud9isnowclosed · 01/12/2022 21:03

Please don't use the term child pornography OP - given you work in an adjacent field, you should know better.

Right.

romdowa · 01/12/2022 22:09

I'd be saying good bye to any pedo sympathisers, they be cut off dead. My child's safety comes first. Y