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Original poster

Why do men think this behaviour is acceptable?

101 replies

Heidi3333 · 01/12/2022 16:31

I'm really annoyed right now!
I've been chatting to a guy I met off a dating site for a few weeks and the chat was nice and civilised. He's only 28 and I'm 20 years older but I didnt mind. He said he'd like to come up and visit me (he lives hours away) and I was happy with that. Then last night, when I asked him what he was up to, out of the blue, he sent me a video of him pleasuring himself! It was under the covers but you could quite clearly make out the details.
I wasn't sure how to respond but eventually replied with a yawning emoji which he laughed at and said I was really pretty. I said thanks and haven't heard from him since and I have no desire to ever meet him now!
This happens to me all the time. In fact only a few weeks ago a guy I was chatting to sent me a d!ck pic without any warning.
It's a major reason why I'm still single. I just can't seem to attract anyone decent.
Why do guys think it's acceptable to behave like this? It makes me really
Angry and despairing that there are no good men out there ☹️

OP posts:
movingon2022 · 02/12/2022 17:50

No disrespect to you OP, but did you really expect to have a "relationship" with someone who is young enough to be your son?

ohyouknowwhatshername · 02/12/2022 17:51

I had this when I was online dating (over 10 years ago). I was seeing a policeman, we had met several times and he seemed so respectful and lovely. Then one night he accidentally sent me a text with a horrible joke about rape. He quickly sent me an apology and said it was meant for his colleagues 😮I was horrified, but very lonely at the time so stupidly, I gave him a second chance and we arranged to meet up again. The evening before the date he sent me a picture of his erection, with the words 'thinking of you'. I ended it. What a revolting person.
I did try again with OLD though, and I met my husband, who I have been with for 10 years.

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 02/12/2022 18:33

1994girl · 02/12/2022 17:38

Why are you trying to speak to 28 year olds when you are nearly 50?

I wasn't "trying" to speak to him!
He initiated all the chat, including the first contact.
Why point out I'm nearly 50? He's nearly 30!

I'm open minded about age. I've dated men of all ages.

OP posts:
AMelko · 02/12/2022 19:33

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 02/12/2022 17:12

I understand that putting one's desired earning requirements in a profile isn't considered uncommon these days (ex. >$100k annually)

Do I take it from your use of dollars that you're not in the UK? Just that I haven't heard of earning requirements ever being a thing in UK OLD.

@PlaitBilledDuckyPuss Yes. That's correct. I'm in the US.

As mentioned, I have never OLD myself, but I have female and male friends that have. I understand that most sites have an option now where one can select the desired earnings of another.

Personally, I find this somewhat tacky. I can understand someone wanting to be with someone that is at least moderately successful, or at the very least not buried in mounds of credit card debt. But if I found myself torn between 2 women online; one who had desired earnings in her profile and the other that didn't, I would definitely go for the latter of the two, myself.

ArmyofMunn · 02/12/2022 19:42

Julienne4467 · 01/12/2022 17:20

They do it because women let them get away with it.
They do it because it saves them money on prostitutes or the local brothel
They do it as a competitive sport to see how many each man can bed in a week.
They share text "scripts" with each other to get women into bed on the first "date".
I work with over 200 men - it's a sport with them. Some of the workforce are married men with kids as well. The decent men don't use online dating. They talk to real live women in real life.

Wow. A warning...

Lagattolove · 02/12/2022 19:53

Julienne4467 · 01/12/2022 17:20

They do it because women let them get away with it.
They do it because it saves them money on prostitutes or the local brothel
They do it as a competitive sport to see how many each man can bed in a week.
They share text "scripts" with each other to get women into bed on the first "date".
I work with over 200 men - it's a sport with them. Some of the workforce are married men with kids as well. The decent men don't use online dating. They talk to real live women in real life.

God that’s grim.

honeymaple · 02/12/2022 19:54

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 01/12/2022 16:37

Then last night, when I asked him what he was up to

To a lot of young people, "what u up 2" means "would you like to have sex", and as he's far away, this would be via video.

No it doesn't.

Teddybear00 · 02/12/2022 20:35

I'm in my late 20's and I honestly find that behaviour so unattractive. I've had the same thing in past happen. If we wanted dick pics & videos we know how to ask.

Soothsayer1 · 02/12/2022 22:44

he seemed so respectful and lovely.
respectful & lovely to soften you up so that you'd be blindsided and not be able to properly defend yourself against the real him
one night he accidentally sent me a text with a horrible joke about rape. He quickly sent me an apology and said it was meant for his colleagues
that was deliberate, to see how you'd react, so he can better tailor his next move
The evening before the date he sent me a picture of his erection, with the words 'thinking of you'. I ended it. What a revolting person.
but ultimately he majorly overplayed his hand, the fatal flaw is assuming you will worship his penis as much as he does

Tabitha1960 · 02/02/2023 20:49

I think what he did is disgusting because you have not even met yet and you did not invite it.

From his perspective, a woman of 48 who starts chatting/flirting with a lad of 28 os looking just for sex, not a relationship.

JustDrama · 02/02/2023 20:53

Disrespectful twat.

JustDrama · 02/02/2023 20:54

Not you, him.

KM247 · 06/03/2023 13:08

In a weird way, I’m almost grateful when I get a dick pic. It means I don’t have to waste my time meeting these idiots. I’d rather be single forever than end up with a bloke who thinks this is ok. Always so disappointing if up to that point they’ve been nice enough to chat to.

PrussianBlueVelvet · 06/03/2023 14:39

Most of my friends, relatives, colleagues and me, met BFs, husbands and partners on OLD… I interacted with a couple of hundreds and never had explicit vids or dick pics!

But then again I met any potential match as soon as possible and if they seemed viable I personally did not know whether I wanted a relationship until we had sex. What if they had a micropenis? Or if were simply incompatible in bed?

TicketBoo23 · 06/03/2023 16:47

While it's perfectly possible to have a relationship with someone younger, 20 years is very significantly younger.

With gap like that, I think it was very naive & unrealistic (sorry) to think he was interested in a potential relationship.
With a gap like that the assumption that he was interested in a hookup with a"milf" and that he assumed you were fully on board with that was not remotely surprising.

Most men are not interested in relationships with women significantly older than them. They only interact with them for fwb/sex/hook-ups/flings. He assumed you were up for that and when you asked him what he was up to he thought along sexual lines and sent the vid because he thought your interaction was sexual (and when you met up that it would be sexual in person). He thought it was in line with what you both wanted &intended.

TicketBoo23 · 06/03/2023 16:48

From his perspective, a woman of 48 who starts chatting/flirting with a lad of 28 os looking just for sex, not a relationship.

You managed to say it much more briefly than me lol.

TicketBoo23 · 06/03/2023 16:53

I'm open minded about age. I've dated men of all ages.

Unfortunately not everyone else is. Especially men in my experience.

It is a basic fact that, if a 28 yr old man hasn't had any kids yet, he's not going to want a relationship with a 48 yr old woman because he couldn't have kids with her if the relationship lasted (unless they use donor eggs and IVF). She's also possibly near his Mum's age, if his Mum had him young. She's also not of his mates' and peer's generation. It's just not something the majority of men would ever go for.

TicketBoo23 · 06/03/2023 16:54

(For a relationship, I mean).

TicketBoo23 · 06/03/2023 17:08

For that matter it's not something the majority of women go for .... But at least men (fertility, autism, abnormalities, parental age aside) can have families with women who don't have kids til old age.

UnePetitDeKelvin · 06/03/2023 17:08

He's a mucky bugger and the age gap would have been a problem.
My eldest dated a woman 25 years older and it were like watching a slow motion car crash.

AFrivolousDigression · 09/03/2023 21:46

In my opinion it's one/some of the following:

  1. Opportunistic - will she be up for interacting with me.
  2. Taking 'what are you up to' as a competitive thing i.e. are you 'up to' being able to do something sexy, he might feel you are 'testing him' (might be a literal thinker)
  3. Another form of literal thinking - and he's literally 'showing you' what he's 'up to.
  4. He likes to add 'shock 'value' to surprise you, a) because he's proud of his manhood /penis and wants to flaunt it, b) because he wants to shock you and not in a good way, more as 'I can invade her space' (probably subconscious), c) he's just very immature and doesn't know how else to interact d) he thinks this is what his friends do so has copied them and thinks it's 'normal acceptable behaviour.
  5. He's half-way through a wank and doesn't want to spoil it by talking/texting you, so is' multitasking' as also doesn't want to lose the chance to interact with you as he's hoping to keep you in his life for some real action at some point.
Original poster
Heidi3333 · 10/03/2023 07:12

Can’t believe this thread is still going!

The guy in question sent me a few more messages (non sexual) until I blocked
him.

Looking back I was perhaps naive to think a guy his age would be interested in me for anything other than sex but he is one of a long string of men who have treated me this way… they are usually younger but not always!!

It just seems to be the norm these days and although im not looking for a relationship right now I have very low expectations of finding one in the future if current trends continue!

OP posts:
Tontostitis · 10/03/2023 07:16

You're 48 he's 28 and you're surprised it's about sex he wants you to get a grip

ponyinmud · 10/03/2023 11:15

I don't want to victim blame, but if this is the repeated experience you have while OLD I have to question why you are still on there.
I think some men de-value women they see OLD - partly because they can, women have allowed it by continuing to make themselves available to this abuse.

If I had a shit meal after shit meal at the same restaurant, I should probably not book another table there expecting something different!

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 10/03/2023 16:22

ponyinmud · 10/03/2023 11:15

I don't want to victim blame, but if this is the repeated experience you have while OLD I have to question why you are still on there.
I think some men de-value women they see OLD - partly because they can, women have allowed it by continuing to make themselves available to this abuse.

If I had a shit meal after shit meal at the same restaurant, I should probably not book another table there expecting something different!

I came off OLD months ago. I needed a break.

OP posts:
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