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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like I utterly despise my H. Can it be recovered?

72 replies

FeelingLetDownMessedAround · 01/12/2022 08:05

We are probably a familiar story, late 30s, young family, professional jobs. We have no real money or personal worries. I just despise my DH Sad

I find him lazy, man-childish, obsessed by things that interest him, 'busy with important stuff' in his computer while I wipe bums and scrub toilets and heat up turkey dinosaurs... He apparently doesn't hear the kids overnight, but is always too tired to get up. I got up 3 times overnight with them and early this morning and I'm working today (he's not).

I just feel so let down by him. He's a good person and in many ways a great husband. He is funny and interesting, and would never dream of cheating etc. He's incredibly successful at his career and loves to work. He's just lazy and selfish about the grind of family life.

I don't know what to do. Has anyone experienced this and come out the other side ok? I feel like if he hated me as much as I hate him I'd leave in a heartbeat, but he doesn't actually seem to notice...

OP posts:
plinkypots · 01/12/2022 08:06

Try reading the book 'Fairplay' with him and doing the exercises in it. You can't live with that level of resentment. You're going to have to set clear expectations.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 01/12/2022 08:06

Is it gaming on his computer?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2022 08:10

Try honesty.

Not that you hate him because I'd argue you hate how he treats you and how he behaves rather than him as a human.

But tell him you are starting to resent how the balance of your relationship has fallen adn you need to sit down and talk it out and reshuffle stuff (like any wake up after X on a day only one of you is working, the other one gets up, even if it means waking him up to do it), a chores list, equal free time.

Do you get any time away from him and the kids? Does he? Do you have time when it's just you and the kids? Does he?

Can you afford a couple of nights in a spa hotel where he HAS to do it all if he's stubborn on it?

I think how he responds to your upset is telling. Ultimately, you don't have to be married to him...

Anothernick · 01/12/2022 08:12

He's not a great husband if he's not doing his fair share of parenting, housework etc. From what you say he sounds a lazy slob when it comes to family life. How is his communication/listening skills? Because I think you both need to use those before your resentment boils over.

BadgerLovesMash · 01/12/2022 08:13

Have you talked to him? And if possible at a neutral time so it isn't an argument. Stress how it's making you feel without blaming him, as that will probably get his back up.

My DH doesn't see mess or think about stuff in the same way i do. He is naturally quite messy and disorganised. I find it frustrating, but I no longer expect him to do stuff, I tell him what I need. Whether that's you need to do the school run so i can have a break or while I'm at work you need to do the washing, kitchen and bathrooms. I have to do the brainwork but when I ask him to do something he generally does.

It's taken me a while to get to this point, i went through a period of resentment but realised he can't change himself like I cant change myself. We both had to meet halfway. Doesn't mean I don't have days where i wish I wasn't the brains of the operation and had to plan/organise everything!

Original poster
FeelingLetDownMessedAround · 06/12/2022 09:08

Thanks for the replies. I've just come back to this thread as I'm still feeling sad and angry about things and just not sure what to do.

He does game sometimes but the 'important stuff' he has to do is usually related to work, business, crypto, investments, that sort of thing. He is very into money and making more and that's what drives him, it basically a hobby for him. I don't dislike that necessarily but he considers that more important than childcare, cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc. I have a well-paid job of my own which I'm juggling with all of those things.

Last night I was looking at flats I could rent locally, honestly the idea of moving out of our big beautiful family home into a tiny cheap flat shouldn't be appealing... but it is.

I'll get through Christmas and then we have a family holiday booked for January. After that I'll see.

Thanks for listening, it helps to have an outlet where I can get some of my thoughts out.

OP posts:
SwimInTheRain · 06/12/2022 09:15

I think it's great you're thinking in in terms of options and actions because this kind of inequality can really wear you down as the years roll by.

Smooshface · 06/12/2022 16:34

I mean it doesn't solve the underlying problem but getting a cleaner, having some extra childcare and some time to yourself might help, maybe need to carve out time to yourself outside of the home so you feel a bit less resentful when you are there.

It is hard though, i felt very resentful of my ex because he would do hobbies and be useless when he was around. Now he looks after kids at weekends and has then half the holidays, i get a proper break and i think he understands how shit his behaviour was now.

VioletLemon · 06/12/2022 16:40

It can be recovered if you love each other. Just start withdrawing the things that you want him to be doing. If he's a man child start with a couple of things at one, (one thing won't have enough impact) let him moan but says it is not negotiable. Sleep in another room if you can. Give it time as he has spent ages crafting this version of himself but if you do love him then tell him when he questions why the change, that your feelings will irresistibly change unless parental jobs are equal.

chickywick6 · 06/12/2022 16:42

Couples therapy?

PeanutsCrispsandVodka · 06/12/2022 16:48

This probably isn't going to go down well, but you posted and five people took the time to respond... which you then didn't respond to or thank and then only came back to the thread to moan some more because your situation isn't resolved. Maybe your DH isn't the only one who needs to appreciate things around him?

Just a thought.

Theoscargoesto · 06/12/2022 17:11

Stayed with mine. Had the same ‘discussion’ when I got fed up. We both had freedoms but I was free only when no one else wanted me/something doing. Still, worth it to retire and have happy times together when the pressure would be off. Except before that point he left for a younger woman he worked with…..

You can decide this isn’t worth it. It’s your choice.

Original poster
FeelingLetDownMessedAround · 06/12/2022 18:04

*This probably isn't going to go down well, but you posted and five people took the time to respond... which you then didn't respond to or thank and then only came back to the thread to moan some more because your situation isn't resolved. Maybe your DH isn't the only one who needs to appreciate things around him?

Just a thought*

Ok well for the avoidance of doubt I am grateful to everyone who has replied. I had a little cry on reading the responses at the time, but had to go to work.

I don't use Mumsnet every day, I don't think I've been on since last week as I've been working, looking after 3 young children and my father, as well as the housework, shopping etc.

I'm feeling quite sad at the moment and honestly your reply didn't help with that but I suppose that's the risk of using the internet.

I'll think through everyone's replies and speak to DH a bit more. I have loved him deeply in the past, maybe I can again but at the moment I feel resentment and anger.

OP posts:
Arrivederla · 06/12/2022 18:15

What does he say when you tell him how you feel op? Have you actually said that you feel let down by him? If you have and he has continued to behave in the same way, then you are justified in feeling massively disappointed. 😕

Arrivederla · 06/12/2022 18:16

PeanutsCrispsandVodka · 06/12/2022 16:48

This probably isn't going to go down well, but you posted and five people took the time to respond... which you then didn't respond to or thank and then only came back to the thread to moan some more because your situation isn't resolved. Maybe your DH isn't the only one who needs to appreciate things around him?

Just a thought.

What a ridiculous and pointless post!

Essexhousehusbands · 06/12/2022 18:23

Can you use the money you both make to buy in more help?

write a list of all the things you do that you need help with. Would a nanny or a house keeper or cleaner every day make a difference? Or a hotel stay for you once a month?

as he loves money, maybe this will get through to him. Say that you need more help, either he does or you hire someone. Leave it up to him.

BelenaConhamHarter · 06/12/2022 18:26

We turned it round but we needed professional help. A years worth of Relate did wonders.

It's tough though and both of you need to be fully on board. It's also doesn't work for everyone.

carefulcalculator · 06/12/2022 18:28

FeelingLetDownMessedAround · 06/12/2022 18:04

*This probably isn't going to go down well, but you posted and five people took the time to respond... which you then didn't respond to or thank and then only came back to the thread to moan some more because your situation isn't resolved. Maybe your DH isn't the only one who needs to appreciate things around him?

Just a thought*

Ok well for the avoidance of doubt I am grateful to everyone who has replied. I had a little cry on reading the responses at the time, but had to go to work.

I don't use Mumsnet every day, I don't think I've been on since last week as I've been working, looking after 3 young children and my father, as well as the housework, shopping etc.

I'm feeling quite sad at the moment and honestly your reply didn't help with that but I suppose that's the risk of using the internet.

I'll think through everyone's replies and speak to DH a bit more. I have loved him deeply in the past, maybe I can again but at the moment I feel resentment and anger.

I disagree with that poster, I think you're fine. I'd ignore them, they are just kicking someone when they are down.

IMO it can be turned around - but only with honesty (from you) and acceptance that it is a real issue (from him). You may also have to give him right of reply!

PeanutsCrispsandVodka · 06/12/2022 18:30

Arrivederla · 06/12/2022 18:16

What a ridiculous and pointless post!

Show quote history

It really was.... I don't know what I was thinking, I was having a moment. Sorry OP!

CarefreeMe · 06/12/2022 18:52

If he’s difficult in the mornings or during the night then I’d compromise and make him do more things in the evenings like extra cooking, cleaning and bedtimes.

Then you can do breakfasts, getting ready for the day, packing bags etc.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 06/12/2022 18:53

Meant kindly but...you must have seen how useless he was after child #1 but you went on to have two more.
As already mentioned, you need to start throwing cash at this: a cleaner, washing/ironing service, a night nanny, online food delivery...if this man whom you describe as "a good man" and "a great husband" balks at any of this, then tell him to get off his disgusting arse and start pulling his weight.

RandomMess · 06/12/2022 18:59

Tell him you wants couple therapy.

Get it out, he steps up and your team or call time on it.

He needs to really hear that you have had enough of his man-child ways.

Quitelikeit · 06/12/2022 19:00

Why can’t you write a list of the jobs you do each day with the children and in the home and show him it?

im not sure why you think you must continue to do these things as you don’t seem to have told him that you need more help?

and also why not hire a cleaner or mothers help? It is ok to outsource things if you work full time and can afford it! Otherwise what I’d the point in earning all that money if you are utterly miserable

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2022 19:05

IMO it can be turned around - but only with honesty (from you) and acceptance that it is a real issue (from him). You may also have to give him right of reply!

This. Clear conversation about how unhappy you are and that you can't continue in this way, clear achievable goals. He either does or doesn't.

And props to @PeanutsCrispsandVodka for admitting the mean comment earlier!

Keha · 06/12/2022 19:05

You could consider having some relationship counselling by yourself and that might help you find strategies to communicate what you need. My DH does some similar things like doesn't get up through the night but still is always tired. I used to let him have lie ins on his day off but overtime I've pushed back on this and now we get up about the same. I would say my DH has stepped up hugely since having DC1 and then DC2, but it hasn't been overnight but a slow change as I have pushed back against feeling like a lot of day to day life rested on me and slowly asking for/expecting more from him. I think you have to work out your immediate priorities like wanting him to do one night wake, and then work on that then move on to the next thing. You have to find ways to talk about it not when angry but to the point and matter of factly, and have clear expectations/agreements and then see it through until it becomes second nature. Also I found I did have to think about my own expectations and accept that he does just do some things differently to me. An example is we take it in turns to clean the kitchen on an evening, I like to do it straight away, he likes to sit down for a bit and do it later, which is his choice. I found having counseling on my own did really help me work out how to deal with the resentment and communicate better and things have improved a lot for us in terms of balance of house work etc.

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