Feel like I utterly despise my H. Can it be recovered?

[FeelingLetDownMessedAround]

We are probably a familiar story, late 30s, young family, professional jobs. We have no real money or personal worries. I just despise my DH

I find him lazy, man-childish, obsessed by things that interest him, 'busy with important stuff' in his computer while I wipe bums and scrub toilets and heat up turkey dinosaurs... He apparently doesn't hear the kids overnight, but is always too tired to get up. I got up 3 times overnight with them and early this morning and I'm working today (he's not).

I just feel so let down by him. He's a good person and in many ways a great husband. He is funny and interesting, and would never dream of cheating etc. He's incredibly successful at his career and loves to work. He's just lazy and selfish about the grind of family life.

I don't know what to do. Has anyone experienced this and come out the other side ok? I feel like if he hated me as much as I hate him I'd leave in a heartbeat, but he doesn't actually seem to notice...

I would talk to him, let him know how you feel.

I would also look into getting a cleaner/housekeeper/nanny etc to take the burden off your shoulders (as he earns a lot and you earn well too).

Why make life miserable if you can afford help?

Yes, this is just what I thought. Personally I couldn’t bear a man who loves money so much. But you’ve loved his better points in the past. And he could put the money hobby to good use by buying in most of the services you are providing, obviously apart from cherishing DC!

But also, you do need to talk to him, calmly and trying to remember how youonce loved him. Maybe he thinks you admire the money-grubbing.

Speak to him directly. I’m always curious - men often don’t value what women do, but they don’t seem to think about what it’s worth. Having meals cooked, a home which is running, kids looked after- what is that worth to them?

As previous poster said, outsource

My Dad was away with work for months at a time for work growing up. When he was home he was fun with us but not always on it with domestic duties.

one day my Mum went on strike. She bought basic food for the kitchen and then some for her. She moved I. To spare room with kettle, toaster and portable telly.

we remember this as being a month but she says it was only a week or so. You could also fake a long illness. Long Covid would probably do it.

anyway my Dad is quite the domestic Angel now.

my husband is away most of the time snd when home works all the time or hobbies. I do do his washing if he is here but he has to cook as honestly I can’t be bothered.

our kids older though. The young years are tough.

turn off internet?

A smug, self righteous thought.

Which they have apologised for @ThatEdgyFeeling and the others who have quoted it

These high earning men so often opt out of family life to grow their career and their savings. Their success at work also makes them attractive to other women looking for a good provider. By the time their wife gets to 40 these men can be eyeing up someone younger. Make sure you grow your own career and don't spend all your time and energy on family life. Men know perfectly well what they are doing when they opt out - they don't care if you are tired or resentful because they know you will do the necessary work. The only answer is to throw (his) money at getting help with the house and child care, and to drop your standards if need be. Also, do as little as possible for him as he is doing for you.

why does he behave like this OP? well thats because you facilitate it. something needs doing, you ask him to do it help/he doesnt so you do it. and this teaches him that whatever it is, however important it is no worries because wife will do it later. you have to start letting things in the house fail. so its his turn to cook the children tea because you are busy/going to a class/ whatever. Leave him to it. washing not done, well why didnt he do it and so on. he is not going to magically change until he sees that you are not a skivvy and his unpaid servant. and no, he is |NOT a good husband or dad because if he was then he wouldnt do this. mine didnt.

And how is dropping 20% of your work hours likely to affect your pay, prospects for promotion, pension, and the power balance in the marriage?

I had this with my exh: a workaholic (working nonstop but only average earning - doing unpaid overtime, taking no holidays), physically not there, so if I hadn't done the housework, parents' evenings, garden, cooking, everything else then it would not have got done. I worked from home so it was possible for me to juggle it, but I had no time for anything else. For 3 years he worked away and came home weekends. I just ended up playing the role of a single mother and enjoying my life with the kids. I thought he was basically a decent man, was faithful and honest, but we had no relationship (how?) and I often felt uncared-for. I was always waiting for some future time when he'd have a different job, closer to home, fewer hours. Maybe when he retired.

Discussion was futile as he didn't take it seriously and always had an excuse; basically that his job was paying the bills. (My job too, but he didn't recognise that.)

Then it turned out he'd been having affairs at work and had been enjoying telling us lies, taking us to places he'd been with other women as he found it exciting. I don't know why I assumed he was faithful: I thought he didn't seem the type, but actually I knew he was selfish, and that is precisely the type.

I was upset at the way he'd treated me, but never felt sorry that we broke up. All I remember is the resentment, not love. What a waste of time.

I now have a partner who sets aside time for me. He also has a daughter he cares for 50:50; he takes her clothes shopping, cooks her dinner, helps her with homework, buys her tampons and feels responsible for her, without anyone telling him what to do. A proper adult. They do exist.

It was my suggestion, and I have recently secured a large promotion despite working 3 days a week. Money, luckily for us, was never the core issue.

OP I feel the same as you, it's so common I think. I feel just seething resentment, like I truly despise him sometimes. Do you still love your husband?

My approach is to just through each day and enjoy it as much as I can. I try not to overthink it, we have days off here and there just us two, and I try to remember that once upon a time I loved him deeply and maybe I will again when life is less stressful. Bringing up a young family is hard.

But that is unusual. Most women who go part time so they can clean the toilet bowl because their husband is above such things, don't get big promotions, and do lose out on their pensions and the power balance. All the shite work will now be theirs to do on their "day off" (and it will be referred to as their day off too). glad it worked for you but it isn't a great solution for many women.

Gosh OP, I could have written your post and update almost word for word. In a way I have a positive contribution to this: we did come through the other side and normal again. There were times I utterly loathed him for how little he did and how often he was lying in while I was on my knees with fatigue. I carried on, and went back to work when kids were 4 and 6. As time went by, we had to get help nanny /housekeeper, kids at school, and since I was at work there have been many occasions when I literally could not do schools run or whatever and he had to get off his arse and help. Like a PP I left him to it as I had to - I was at work and he rose to it, because he adores our kids and he knew it was him or no one. Our relationship has now recalibrated - there are still flashes of time when I remember how intensely I hated and despised him but it has passed and I remember now all the things I loved. Hope that helps....

(I too used to love looking at little flats and thinking how it would be liberating to be in one rather than our large beautiful family home with him in it)

I agree you need to sort this.
As another poster said up thread it's very easy for men to have children with their fist wives and run this women into the ground with the free labour - then have an affair with a younger woman who isn't knackered, full or resentment and not remotely interested in sex after years of being treated like a skkivy.

Obviously the time and effort you put into your children is one thing, but the time and effort you put into a house and a husband - both of which would go in a divorce, I thinks it's sensible to think long and hard about this one.

I know, so fucking ridiculous.

And goady.

And unreasonable.

You didn't check your post fast enough so the fact your h does FA at all and leaves all the grunt work to you while you're already doing a full-time job is irrelevant.

Like wtaf.

OP you’ve said upthread that you have told him how you feel ‘a bit but probably not enough’ ( not a direct quote but thereabouts). Why is that? You have a communication problem as well as a lazy toad of a DH problem.

I suggest you email him a meeting with an agenda and present to him a spreadsheet of your current input (list it all) as his. You need to speak his language. Yes, buying in help will be useful and an agency might be worth trying.

Be extremely Lear as to what you want from him, a general’help out more’ isn’t his language. I’d certainly suggest counselling but he needs to know in crystal clear language that your marriage is on the line.

If it’s any consolation I have known men like this and they have tended to improve somewhat as the DC get older but even then it’s usually stuff they like rather than the grunt work.

Good luck.

Thank you! Have a commute today so getting a chance to read through the further responses and have been thinking about everything that everyone has contributed.

I absolutely think I've not been good at communicating with him about this. Seething at him while he's oblivious gets us nowhere. I'm going to work out what I want and how to say it. I think a visual depiction of jobs/chores is a good idea for him.

I've been thinking a lot about my childhood and some of the messages I received about being in a relationship. They have almost certainly manifested themselves in a way I'm now pushing against. Being aware of these things is half the battle though.

I am not surprised by how much of a chord my posts have struck with some. I think about my friends, colleagues and my sister and it's a pretty similar story with all of us.

In other news with a bit of effort I've managed to sort a new cleaner to try so they start next week and I've lined up a handyman to come and do a few other jobs around the house that have been getting me down.

Thanks again everyone. I'm feeling a bit brighter today and hopeful that we can get things back on track.

@FeelingLetDownMessedAround I’m glad to hear you’re able to have the time to have a think. I used to get very excited at the thought of a commute during my working parent of little kids days. sounds like you’re getting clearer in what you want and how you want to go about getting it.

@CallmeCath
im not the first but fuck me, I had to do a double take as our trajectories and our 2x2s and our general similarities were uncanny. And there are two more of us who have identified themselves on this thread. Very X Files.

@HoofWankingSpangleCunt Spooky! I hope Op can see this is not a new phenomena.

I guess us born in the 1970's girls were born in to accepting a certain fait acompli and then, the 90's and naughties showed us a different way. I personally felt vey alone through my divorces- still very frowned upon you know ! I suspect you all did too. I was a scandal during my first divorce. 🖕

Very sad to see young women today dealing with the very same issues. I personally think ( and i wont't be swayed given what i continue to experience daily) men are inherintantly designed for fun, sex and not drudge or lifestyle changes . I suspect i may also be designed in the same fashion but, with the responsibility for my children as my first element built in.

Anyway, hope Op can see that their is life after marriage. Not sure about you girls but, i am having a hoot of a time now 😉. Love my own home, love my own finances, love love love my freedoms! When i think about all the air/breath i exhaled while talking to husbands, trying to get them to see my pov. Total waste of my oxygen. Nothing changed, until i did!

I wouldn't be so sure he's oblivious, OP! Probably more likely he knows you will do whatever...so why would he?

I think the mistake a lot of reasonable people make is thinking 'in X situation I'd do Y, why don't they?'

I must say it's always an eye opener when I go places or do things with female friends. None of this shit applies. We just divvy up the jobs.

I just feel so let down by him. He's a good person and in many ways a great husband. He is funny and interesting, and would never dream of cheating etc. He's incredibly successful at his career and loves to work. He's just lazy and selfish about the grind of family life

he considers that more important than childcare, cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc. I have a well-paid job of my own which I'm juggling with all of those things

So hold on......he's a 'good' person and a 'great' husband'.....but he thinks his crypto hobby is more important than all the boring family stuff yes?

Unfortunately, you've found out who he is too late, like many, many women.

He won't do any of those things simply because he knows you'll do them.

You see, he is a big important man doing finance stuff, and you, the female, should know that all those lowly tasks are not for the lofty likes of him. This doesn't have to be a gender based thing though - this might be his attitude at work too.

I've read several stories on Musnet of women marrying men who were apparently progressive, really into women's rights at work and all that.....yet when they have children....their words don't match their actions or behaviour.

He probably finds what he needs to do in the house quite boring.....that's fine though because he has a maid for all of that.