Feel like I utterly despise my H. Can it be recovered?

[FeelingLetDownMessedAround]

We are probably a familiar story, late 30s, young family, professional jobs. We have no real money or personal worries. I just despise my DH

I find him lazy, man-childish, obsessed by things that interest him, 'busy with important stuff' in his computer while I wipe bums and scrub toilets and heat up turkey dinosaurs... He apparently doesn't hear the kids overnight, but is always too tired to get up. I got up 3 times overnight with them and early this morning and I'm working today (he's not).

I just feel so let down by him. He's a good person and in many ways a great husband. He is funny and interesting, and would never dream of cheating etc. He's incredibly successful at his career and loves to work. He's just lazy and selfish about the grind of family life.

I don't know what to do. Has anyone experienced this and come out the other side ok? I feel like if he hated me as much as I hate him I'd leave in a heartbeat, but he doesn't actually seem to notice...

He’s not a good man. He does well in his career because you are doing a huge amount of unpaid labour that he doesn’t have to worry about. You need to lay it all out and either be changes or you leave. He’s not going to change otherwise, the status quo suits him fine.

This is the approach I would take as well.
Split the cores more evenly but get him to outsource getting his half done.

I would add it's also worth considering that you don't need to have a perfect split of house work, childcare and rest. Play to your strengths and both try and do the things you are good at or enjoy/find less daunting. Work out what having a break means to you and how you can get that. I am happy for example to cook most evenings as I like it and he plays with the kids because actually I'd find playing with them after a long day more tiring than cooking and he is happy I cook.

Sounds very similar in some ways to my situation. It's the feeling he's always prioritising his work, his hobbies, his 'need' to exercise and catch up on sleep over anything family or home-related. If I'd hardly seen the DC all week I'd make them my main focus for at least an afternoon at the weekend, if not more. Reading the responses with interest and don't feel I have anything to offer in terms of advice - sorry. Saw a book advertised about 'How not to hate your husband after having children'. Made me wonder if there's a male version: 'how to pull your weight and engage with family life so your wife doesn't hate you'.

Its worth trying some counselling and trying to make him understand how difficult your life is and how he is not helping. Its just that pulling the plug, moving our, having to manage everything including finances on your own is like out of the frying pan. Maybe explain how you feel and ask him to move out? Might shock him into stepping up

It depends what you want.

If you can hang in there, buy in help, outsource things - then life will get easier as your DC get older and eventually you won't feel so resentful on a day-to-day basis as there will be less to do. You'll probably never really forget that your H didn't have your back when you needed him, and these things are hard to forgive, so you won't really have a 'marriage of equals' as such and you'll probably always feel mildly contemptuous of him. It's unlikely you'll get the intimacy and closely back. Also, since he's failing to invest in his relationship with his children as well, it's possible that there will essentially be two units in your family - you and the children (since you've put the time in to form the relationship with them) and him on his own. His contribution to family life will essentially be financial and he'll always be slightly apart. But that may be ok for you.

If you want to regain the relationship you had before, then you need to forgive him for letting you down and that means he actually has to admit that he's in the wrong and make meaningful steps to change this. If he won't do this, then he doesn't see your relationship in the same way that you do and thinks it's ok for him to come and go in family life while you exhaust yourself keeping everything going.

Maybe I’m too old for all this shit but a man who needs telling to pull his weight is not someone I’d want to share my life with.

Op, i am 51, twice divorced now. First time in 2002 after a very brief 2 yr marriage , albeit together since the mid 90's. I left as a 32 yr old woman with a small child- no regrets and had own financial security. All things changed for us after birth of my first child, for me anyway. It was all kinds of laziness so i gave up-in the end. I met my second DH at work in 2003 and we married in 2006 and had a child, a much loved sibling for my first child . My 2 DC's are very close. Thought i had it sussed. While he ( and my ex) are good kind decent men, great fathers and step father, we are a close united joined family. I became very unhappy again, felt taken advantage of, my life changed again , my second DH, like first , had no real change in circumstance, i did. I was skivvy, I became bitter and frustrated. I divorced my second DH in 2018 after 15 yrs of marriage . Thank god again for my financial independence. They both just didn't seem to adjust their lives to having children or, more importantly realising that i still had a life, as a woman, while still being a wife and mother.

I just honestly think men are not down with this whole parenting/ responsibility/ boredom/drudge thing. They like having the sex that creates the children, less so the life limitations that results in, they off load at every and all opportunity. They do not seem much to tailor their lives or careers or hobbies around their new responsibilities. In my experience, children's schooling, hobbies, braces, been sick need collecting from sch... , xmas presents, worried about stuff, broke up with gf, got a monobrow, nose is too big, worried about weight, have a spot and the extra art club has ended, never much present on mens / my children's fathers radar. Always appear on mine as Mum.

I really hope that you and your DH can work this through. I really do.

I honestly believe a majority of men just hate the routine, the lack of sex that usually occurs when you are tired and strung out because of young children. They are not pulling their weight and just basically unwilling to make the changes to their lives .

Wow, lots more responses and loads of interesting viewpoints, thank you all! I'm going to take the time to digest each one and think it through carefully.

I've got a people pleaser streak, DG has a selfish streak. Pre-children it wasn't a big deal but since children arrived it has probably ramped up on both sides. I perhaps martyr myself a bit and then seeth, he retreats into his own 'important' stuff and perhaps feels I'm not recognising his contribution.

At his best he is a kind, gentle soul and loves us all, so maybe it is worth trying to hammer out some of the issues and get ourselves back on track.

I've spoken to him a bit but not as directly as I probably should. We've tried to get some help in domestically, with limited success due to where we live, but I'll try again. That might help us feel more on top of things.

Thanks, and the PP earlier, don't worry. I am a bit navel-gazing at the moment and wrapped up in myself!

@CallmeCath that's absolutely my experience too.

I think you do just have to hand over specific large sized tasks and let them get on with it and let them sort it out when it goes tits up.

I delegated meal planning, food shopping, cooking and laundry - washing, drying, folding, sorting, delivering to rooms.

He sunk then he learned and swam. He had to do dentists, activity drops offs and so on.

Kids wake up in night - give him a kick and say - your turn.
go out more in evening

@CallmeCath, my god,'I could have written your whole post myself. This is my exact experience, with almost exactly the timings. I can only concur with your conclusions.

Take no notice of that poster. She's ridiculous.

I think couples counselling would be good for you both actually. He would have to justify his behaviour to someone else. Given he likes to be popular than he might well have to have a very long think about what he says there.

It's taken the best part of a decade but I now have a more equal relationship. Covid helped a lot as suddenly DH had much more opportunity to work from home.

Throwing money at the problem if you have it does help. So he can do half the cleaning or pay a cleaner.

As can a rota for things like night duty. On a whiteboard. I'm serious!

I still do nearly all the planning ahead and organising and bill paying, but I don't have to worry about school pick up or food.

There is a huge weight of social expectations/social norms though. DH is often the only dad posting on the parents' WhatsApp (well the only one who actually knows the answer to 'what are DC wearing for XYZ'), was the only dad at a meeting for SEN parents at school the other day, remains the only dad who's ever been a class rep etc etc.

He does the most out of any other man I know (in a straight relationship anyway - the gay couples I know seem to do well with this).

I'm sorry you're feeling this way OP. I'm following with interest as I'm in a similar situation. Have you tried to talk to him about it? Would counselling or similar be worth trying?

It sounds like we are in a similar situation. I have got 2 DC. My husband has got slightly better over the last few years after quite few big rows about it, I'd explode with rage/resentment. I also think I lean towards being a martyr and also have a just get on with attitude, so I do, and my DH sounds similar to yours in that he's selfish, always busy with the busy things and omg how BUSY he is and how much work he's got to do, etc etc. And after a week of him beavering away at his desk doing a real paid job, he complains he never has any down time or time to relax. Like a PP has said, some men just not being arsed with parenting and all it entails. After our last row and a period of a few weeks when he hardly lifted a finger or had any involvement with/saw the children, I calmly listed a selection of the tasks that needed to be done every day to make the house function and so that the Dc's basic needs were met. I asked him the following: What percentage of parenting/household tasks do YOU think it's acceptable for YOU to do? 5%? 10%? Because at best, that is the amount you do. I asked him to imagine the DC thinking back on their childhood and describing the fact that their Dad spent hardly any time with them and only saw them for a handful of hours a week because he was so 'busy', and all they saw was the woman doing it all? He stormed off but, since then, he's been doing the school run every morning and doing more laundry, sometimes finishing earlier. It's pathetic really, but it's a step in a more positive direction. Some things I've stopped doing over the years that I used to do: I don't do any of his admin (like post a parcel for him), I don't get involved in any of his family nonsense, (I have explained to them that he refuses to get off his arse and buy cards/gifts for his own nieces/nephews and I'm not doing it). I quite often dump the clean laundry in a massive pile outside our bedroom door so he can't ignore it and he does sort through it now and put it away (badly). Don't wait for him to some down to dinner (one of us lets him know its ready). If he invites anyone over for dinner or to stay (he does this a lot) then he shops/cooks and I might but not always get involved with tidying the house, he can do it. I love a clean house but I've let it slide a bit- if he wants it clean he can do it. I will strip the beds but leave them bare so he has to put the clean sheets on at bed times. I've started going out a few times a month. I really don't want to as I hate winter and I am so knackered all the time, plus I've lost most of my friends, (moved away plus the knackeredness of young children) but hey ho I am trying with a new group, so he can look after the children and put them to bed. I am even toying with the idea of joining the new gym that's opened on our road (and I am really not a gym person), just so I can go out somewhere regularly. I am still resentful and hurt,after all of the years of putting up with this. Not sure if we can come out of the other side, if there is another, sunny side. I really hope you can. Start by stopping doing all of the things and tell him how seriously bad it is for you and for the children. Best of luck xx

I told my DH that either we got a cleaner or I dropped a day at work, but something had to give. I dropped a day at work. Felt much less angry. Worked out for us.

Because actually, whilst it might be a tad regressive, I wanted to be the primary parent more - it was always vital to me to go to plays, parents' evenings, doctor appointments etc whereas DH never particularly worried if he couldn't attend these. I like being present for my kids, and I like having a job - the balance had just come unglued a bit.

@FeelingLetDownMessedAround

I think in the short term you need to try again to get domestic help. You are comfortable financially, so it must be affordable. And where there is a will, there must be a way.

My friends are all professional couples, so I can speak from experience. Most of the men are very similar to your H. And this is the reason so many women end up stepping back from their careers. Most have domestic help as well.
It isn’t how it’s supposed to be these days, but in reality it a how it is among the higher earners. And especially when kids are smaller.

Thing is - you feel down and resentful now. And the idea of your own small place may be on your mind. But in reality - if you do separate - your H is unlikely to actually want to do 50/50, so he’ll have them EOW. And there is no way of forcing it. What it’ll mean for you in practical terms is that your life will actually get much harder - you’ll be doing same amount of child/house care, with no help from him at all.

I think your relationship isn’t doomed actually. I think it’s more a matter of organising help and better communication. Kids are a huge adjustment and couples do often struggle with it.

This doesn’t help - all you’ve done is dump on someone who is struggling.

jesus. Talk about not in the spirit.

OP, I am old, and I can remember when women working full time,,or even part time was quite rare. ( my mother worked par time when I was five, and full time when I was eleven ‘ but she was a teacher ‘ ie school hours ). No one thought the women were not working when they were running the household, looking after the children, keeping the house, even if some had help with the cleaning or laundry.

Now women are expected to work like men, as hard as men, but men do not have to work as hard as women at home. I think in my heart that over the millennia, men have evolved just not to see the domestic tasks ( or perhaps they literally don’t notice , don’t care, can switch off). Men who had done military service were better at it, because they had had to take responsibility for their own organisation and for their kit. But I expect that men were leaving the chippings on the cave floor, and failing to get the firewood in….it’s just intrinsic.

That’s not to say, you have to put up with it, because you are doing some of ‘his ‘role ‘ so he In fairness has to do some of ‘yours.’ You have had a lot of practical advice, especially about buying in help, and giving him a list of tasks which he can achieve. I suppose I am just trying to explain or hypothesise about the causes,,so you can alleviate some of your justified resentment and find a solution.

I hope you can work this out and I wish you good fortune.

@Coolc @marlowe5 ✌️

I’m a similar age to you and similarly own a lovely house with and have 2 DC with my DH.
Resentment can build up so easily - especially with children and day-to-day and if you both are working and still trying to maintain hobbies etc.
I find that when I feel resentment building the best thing to do is to really have it out with my DH. Unfortunately I’m still perfecting the art of doing this - so it usually starts with me snapping at him (which I rarely do) and then once the thing I snapped about is dealt with I demand that we sit down together away from distractions and that he just listen to me. And I get it all off my chest. And then he talks. We take turns actively talking and listening. If we don’t actively listen and really hear each other it’s a meaningless exercise. And it’s truly what has kept our marriage functioning over the last 3 years since have our first DC.
Sad truth is that loving someone sometimes isn’t enough. Relationships are hard work and adding jobs, children etc to the mix just makes it harder.
If he won’t listen or work with you and have a heart to heart then maybe it’s too broken to fix. Only you can know that. Good luck