Trying to figure out why I am still upset..

[winteryblues]

I have written a thread about an issue with my girlfriend recently and I did mention this thing that happened in the body of that thread, but the thread wasn't about that, if that makes sense.

My girlfriend has been wanting to get back into her hobby, football , for some years. Her work clashed with the local teams practices and matches.

Some things changed and a couple of months ago she could play again. I was really really happy for her, encouraging, told her how glad I was, was proud of her etc etc and was looking forward to being a part of it (football isn't my thing but I am sociable and was looking forward to meeting people and having some days out).

One weekend I was at hers while her team were playing-she wasn't playing as she had an injury. I was to go with her to watch the match. This isn't all of it but basically she was awful, awful to me the whole day. I think it was bravado, wanting to be a certain version/image of herself in front of her friends, showing off, I am not really sure?

We sat down with a coffee when we first got there and I mentioned something about 'us' and she snapped and gave me an awful look, angry, disdainful and said very snappily 'I'm not talking about that here, SORRY!' (hard to convey in text but very nastily said). I was taken aback but thought fair enough.

We went to sit down at the side of the pitch and she got up and walked away and stood with her back to me without saying anything. I went to stand next to her but was ignored totally, I watched it, some time later went to get us a drink, came back over, no acknowledgment just took the drink from me and was just as if I wasn't there.

I went and sat down again and watched (I just don't like standing up for long periods, figured her focus was the match, fair enough) and I did notice that others had gathered and she was talking and laughing with them, seemed I didn't exist. One woman who came over said to me 'Oh are you a new player, come to watch?' I assume as she didn't recognise me and my gf turned and said 'no that's my girlfriend!' and the woman said 'oh why didn't you introduce us and gf did engage with the conversation for a bit then. Once the woman had talked to us for a bit she went off somewhere else and gf was back to ignoring me. I joined in the conversation with others but it was odd, she kept shutting me out-she's never behaved like this before. It was very disheartening and confusing.

After the match we sat in the clubhouse for a bit, I must stress I am a sociable person and I will talk to anybody. I did talk to everyone but I didnt get more than two words out of my gf. To her, I may as well have not been there. After that we went to the pub for drinks, again I tried talking to her-I remember two occasions in particular one was when I told her a funny story related to what we were talking about and she snappily said 'Why are you telling me that, I don't want to know about stuff like that!' (It was fully related to what she'd been talking to the friend at the other side of the table about). I just retreated a bit then, she was seemingly just wanting me to feel awful. She also then turned her back to me saying 'I am not being rude I want to talk to these'. I talked to other people and kept myself together but it was really upsetting, she was like a totally different person to normal. She then went to play pool for about an hour. I know it wasn't all in my head because a couple of her friends asked me throughout the evening if I was okay, where was she? And hopefully didn't notice I was upset but obviously had noted her behaviour toward me too.

Since this event I have told her how she made me feel and said I will not be coming to any more matches/events with her to be stonewalled/ignored/abused. I've had quite enough of that in previous relationships and need to put boundaries in place.

She's so so happy to be back playing and involved and I am happy for her, genuinely but I've found that whenever she mentions it, wants to show me photos or talks about anything to do with it, I get upset. It's confused me as (believe me It's true!) I have been through FAR worse than this and not been so badly affected!

So two things I'd like stranger's opinions on are;

1. Would I be unreasonable to tell her to please leave me out of the football thing for a bit, at least until I've got my head around how she treated me, I don't want to talk about it or see photos of how everyone is having such a great time when it just reminds me of how bad I felt that day

2. WHY has this had such an affect on me? I can think of so many things that have happened to me in the past that have been far more traumatic that I've bounced back from very quickly in comparison. I am not a total wimp or usually this upset to the point I have 'triggers'. EG I was attacked a couple of years ago by a man on a nearby street and I walked past there the next week with no acknowledgment. My ex assaulted me on several occasions but I seemed to just bounce back from that (I did have counselling, but I have no 'attack' triggers or long lasting effects from the actual events if that makes sense).

I guess to '2' if someone else asked me this question I would say that certain things are just triggers for certain people, depending on our past, our upbringing, our emotional make-up. But for me, It's much more difficult to analyse oneself.

She did say to me a while ago that since that day some of her teammates have asked if I am coming to watch them again, said they liked me etc. I dont think I conducted myself badly or did anything especially wrong to her.

I remember your other posts, I was hoping she’d be an ex girlfriend by now op

Would you ever treat someone like that, even a friend? It would be mean and unkind to do that to someone but she did it, you accepted it

Bloody hell, what is it with folks who play football being complete arses?

I'd be getting rid. Being treated like that is abusive and it's definitely not normal. You deserve better.

@Shoxfordian no of course not :) I actually have had it noted by my friends and others that I am always the one trying to include everybody and make sure everyone is okay, at any given event!

@dolor I had a discussion like that with some of my friends recently. One of them said he'd always stay clear of any families/people who were heavily invested in football matters-said a lot of them turn really awful. I mean, that can't be true all of the time can it-I am sure a lot of nice people play/watch/have a thing about football?

But I am just struggling to understand why this thing has upset me to the point I feel the need to not have any involvement at all, even telling her not to talk to me about it. I dont think anything like that has ever happened to me before. Nothing else 'triggers' me like that.

Why do you think it’s ok then that she treated you like that? You’re her girlfriend so she should have been making sure you met all her friends and were having a good time. She’s treated you worse than you would treat a friend or an acquaintance

Your GF is rude and unkind ... why do you put up with this treatment?

But you don't need to be so involved in your GF's hobbies ... I can't imagine being so involved with my DH's cricket games and team mates. Why don't you focus on your own hobbies and interests? But you do seem to be over dependent on your GF and willing to accept any 'crumbs' she sends your way. Raise your self esteem and find new friends. I don't know how old you are but the whole situation sounds like a love sick teenager.

Ooh, why are you upset that your gf treated you like shit and clearly has zero respect for you? Do you honestly need an answer?

It’s upset you because your girlfriend is a horrible human being who treats you like shit. You won’t stop being upset by it til you break up with her.

@Shoxfordian I really don't. I agree, she should have done that and I thought she would do.

@Ragwort I only see her every couple of weeks. I may have given that impression but it isn't like that at all. The reason I was so happy for her is she didn't do anything other than work and go to her friend's at the weekend for drinks. Nothing else. I have several hobbies and a lot more friends 'things' in life than she does-I am just generally a lot busier and have a nicer life.

I guess it was more this one particular situation I was not understanding about-I mean, she's done other things and other partners have done far worse in the past but this has had a lasting affect that hasn't occurred before.

@stuntbubbles maybe. Everyone believes her to be lovely, she is so helpful and kind and just didnt seem to fit the profile of someone nasty at all. I have a very abusive ex, and several others in the past who looking back I can see that they weren't great from the beginning but this one is so confusing.

Sounds like she's abusive in a different way to previous partners. More subtle possibly, more mind games?

Honestly, if someone treats you like that, don't hang around for it, OP.

You might have left when she spoke to you so nastily, or when she was ignoring you, not stuck it out all day. She couldn't have treated you any more contemptuously. You don't need to put up with it.

Sounds like she needs leaving altogether.

She didn't like you being at the match and she was deterring you from going again. She likes it better when you aren't there, she can be a different person. You spoiled the occasion for her just by being there and breathing.

She was confident that she could treat you any way she liked to keep you in the background and you'd suck it up.

Treating you badly achieved her aim that day and now she won't hesitate to do it again until there are consequences. Her respect for you has gone. It's the start of a slippery slope.

You need to take the initiative and end the relationship decisively. Value yourself and stand up to her.

Perhaps. It's very clever mind games or I'm just blind to them by being in the target range :(
I had nowhere to go! I did contemplate leaving several times. Realistically I had nowhere. We were staying at her family member's house. She lives quite a distance from me (2 hrs ish drive) which I wasn't feeling up to at all.

Having said that, now thinking about it I wish I'd have just asked someone for a taxi number and got back to said family members and left.. but again, there was nobody in, I'd have not been able to get in to get my car keys/belongings. I did think about asking her for some keys, and just going back there to rest but, it would have felt so cheeky to do that. It was definitely on my mind though.

I guess as the day/evening went on I just felt it'd be over soon and I could go back and go to sleep. I was leaving in the morning anyway.

Ugh, and she knew all that, that you were a bit stranded there - and chose to treat you like crap all day instead of making sure you felt welcome.

She isn't worth your love or effort. She's a nasty piece of work.

Haven't you posted about this relationship before - you stay with her parents who don't make you very welcome? It really doesn't sound like much of a relationship.

Apologies if you are a different poster but the situation does sound familiar.

Mate,

Honestly it's not worth it. If this is how she's treating you, it's disgusting and abusive behaviour and you'd be well rid.

And the football family thing? It's accurate, and if anyone reading that takes offence, well then tough shit. Every single football obsessed family I've ever met, has been absolutely bloody awful, and I've met a lot.

If she loves the game that much, leave her to it. You deserve someone who doesn't turn into a monster when she's playing the so called beautiful game.

told her how glad I was, was proud of her etc etc and was looking forward to being a part of it
I do think that this is a strange reaction. How many people on hearing that their partner had got a new hobby would straightaway think about how they could join in.

Your girlfriend obviously thought the same but rather than asking you not to come, behaved like a massive bitch. And you put up with it.

What did she say when you were home and you asked her why she was such a cow to you?

Last question, when are you going to split up from her? Soon I hope. For your sake.

Why are you clinging to this dead end, toxic relationship? What a terrible waste of your time.

You feel affected by it because it's absolutely unacceptable behaviour from the person who is supposed to have your back. Sounds like she is ashamed of you. Leave.

She does sound pretty horrible and the relationship is toxic. But I must admit, I am not sure why you needed to be part of her hobby and tagged along in the first place. I was quite pleased for my husband when he found a football team a few years ago, it didn’t occur to me that it was something I would be a part of though. I think on that particular occasion, she was annoyed at you being there, she could have just told you not to come though.

Why did you put up with it? I would have left and told her to fuck off

I think that you are still upset because this wasn't dealt with properly. Has she even apologised or given a decent explanation? You now feel she doesn't respect you and treats you badly.

You ignore your feelings. It's not healthy. Now she has ignored your feelings, and it feels like something bad, compounded.

Staying away from her football matches is a way of ignoring how you feel. You feel like she hurt you, but instead of telling her she hurt you and she needs to stay away from you, you want her football matches to stay away from you.

Football didn't hurt you. Deal with this directly. 'Nobody who treats me like that gets to stay in my life' would be a good line. How would she respond if you said that?

Sorry, didn't abandon my thread.

@category12 I never did think of it like that. It was just odd, one thing after another-it was quite shocking seeing her behave that way to be honest.

@RagwortI have posted before about a different situation to do with the relationship but it wasn't about her parents, I rarely see them.

@dolor thank you-I understand. You sound like you've been here! I've never had much to do with anything to do with football to be honest, hadn't ever thought about it. It was odd how a friend said that, as if he'd truly made up his mind due to his experiences. I did study something at university about football hooliganism and such things, but I didn't think about this sort of thing.

@Chamomileteaplease @Aprilx (and others) I do see how I've made it sound like that. I didn't want to drip feed at all-I guess Its easy to miss off crucial bits that you don't feel are importnat, when beginning a thread but, the reason I told her those things were I could tell for months beforehand that being without her hobby was upsetting for her. She didnt have any hobbies or interests, did nothing but work, sleep and get drunk.

She'd always be envious as her friends still played and was missing it a lot. When she could do it again I was very happy for her and wanted to be as supportive as I could, despite knowing next to nothing about football itself. I've never known anyone who plays, even watches it really.
Also, I didn't decide I was going to be involved, It's just, we see one another only every couple of weeks (sometimes less, sometimes more if we have annual leave etc) and It's always of a weekend. She practices twice a week and one is always at a weekend-matches are always at the weekend too so unless I didn't see her purposefully to avoid it,
(which I do now after this incident), or she told me she didn't want me there, I would be there anyway.

Also, when she first knew she could do it again she was really egging me on to come. She knew I wasn't a 'football-y' person, I don't 'do' sports at all. She seemed really pleased when I said yes of course I would as she (her words) thought it wasn't my 'thing' and I'd want nothing to do with it. She did seem so happy, asked if I'd 'fancy her' in her kit, would enjoy watching how good she was and things like that so although I do suspect you may be right, she certainly didn't give me that impression. Perhaps it is that, and she wasn't honest? But she did give the impression she really wanted me around when she played.

When we got back, she didn't say anything. We were in a busy house full of her friends/family and she had a couple of drinks (she was already slightly tipsy) and went to bed. I stayed up for a bit with one friend I know well and get along with. The next morning I broke down on her though. The only thing she said is that when we first got there and I tried talking about something to do with our relationship (don't get me wrong, it wasn't that I wanted a full-blown conversation about it, it was just one quick question, also nobody was anywhere near us!) she panicked as she didn't want anyone knowing anything personal about us so she snapped. She brushed over what she was like for the rest of the day.

@Brandyb I did ask her if she was ashamed of me or didn't like being seen with me and she voraciously denied this. It's weird, all her friends were nice and inclusive to me all day-I don't think I am grotesque or offensive or horrible in any way.

@OldEvilOwl as above, nowhere I could feasibly go really. Perhaps I should have got a taxi to the nearest bar, ordered a bottle of wine and read my book! (I am not entirely non-serious about that)!

@optimistic40 she has said in conversations since that she understand she was horrible to me and that
it was a product of her not wanting to discuss personal things in front of people. I responded that nobody would have heard, and also even if they somehow did, it wasn't so personal a question, if anyone had have heard I am sure they'd have thought nothing of it. I also said why could she not have said 'sorry wintery can I answer that later, I don't feel comfortable here' etc and/or given me a hug instead of being awful? But then, that wasn't even the half of it-It's just the part she fixates on for some reason.Maybe totally validly? But there are better ways of handling things one isn't happy with, without being horrible, IMO.

@Watchkeys thank you-I understand that. Food for thought. I have said to her that I'll never come with her again, so maybe she has got her wish if people are right,and as above I have now asked her to not show me photos, not talk about how great it all is, to just leave me out of it for a bit. She's been fine with that. It makes me feel like I was an idiot for being so encouraging of her to get back into it but that's just a very small detail really.

It makes me feel like I was an idiot for being so encouraging of her to get back into it but that's just a very small detail really

See? It's a strong feeling when you feel like you've been an idiot; the minimising you do is right there. Your feeling is a very small detail. IT ISN'T! Your feelings are all you have.

Why do you think you should be with someone who treats you that way? Why don't you think you could find someone who was consistently good to you, included you, someone you felt lovely with? Why do you need to tussle with this problem that no healthy relationship would have? Why don't you leave her? What are you scared of?

@Watchkeys thank you. Its a good point. I'm struggling with it all tonight. I'll have a think about those questions :(