Trying to figure out why I am still upset..

[winteryblues]

I have written a thread about an issue with my girlfriend recently and I did mention this thing that happened in the body of that thread, but the thread wasn't about that, if that makes sense.

My girlfriend has been wanting to get back into her hobby, football , for some years. Her work clashed with the local teams practices and matches.

Some things changed and a couple of months ago she could play again. I was really really happy for her, encouraging, told her how glad I was, was proud of her etc etc and was looking forward to being a part of it (football isn't my thing but I am sociable and was looking forward to meeting people and having some days out).

One weekend I was at hers while her team were playing-she wasn't playing as she had an injury. I was to go with her to watch the match. This isn't all of it but basically she was awful, awful to me the whole day. I think it was bravado, wanting to be a certain version/image of herself in front of her friends, showing off, I am not really sure?

We sat down with a coffee when we first got there and I mentioned something about 'us' and she snapped and gave me an awful look, angry, disdainful and said very snappily 'I'm not talking about that here, SORRY!' (hard to convey in text but very nastily said). I was taken aback but thought fair enough.

We went to sit down at the side of the pitch and she got up and walked away and stood with her back to me without saying anything. I went to stand next to her but was ignored totally, I watched it, some time later went to get us a drink, came back over, no acknowledgment just took the drink from me and was just as if I wasn't there.

I went and sat down again and watched (I just don't like standing up for long periods, figured her focus was the match, fair enough) and I did notice that others had gathered and she was talking and laughing with them, seemed I didn't exist. One woman who came over said to me 'Oh are you a new player, come to watch?' I assume as she didn't recognise me and my gf turned and said 'no that's my girlfriend!' and the woman said 'oh why didn't you introduce us and gf did engage with the conversation for a bit then. Once the woman had talked to us for a bit she went off somewhere else and gf was back to ignoring me. I joined in the conversation with others but it was odd, she kept shutting me out-she's never behaved like this before. It was very disheartening and confusing.

After the match we sat in the clubhouse for a bit, I must stress I am a sociable person and I will talk to anybody. I did talk to everyone but I didnt get more than two words out of my gf. To her, I may as well have not been there. After that we went to the pub for drinks, again I tried talking to her-I remember two occasions in particular one was when I told her a funny story related to what we were talking about and she snappily said 'Why are you telling me that, I don't want to know about stuff like that!' (It was fully related to what she'd been talking to the friend at the other side of the table about). I just retreated a bit then, she was seemingly just wanting me to feel awful. She also then turned her back to me saying 'I am not being rude I want to talk to these'. I talked to other people and kept myself together but it was really upsetting, she was like a totally different person to normal. She then went to play pool for about an hour. I know it wasn't all in my head because a couple of her friends asked me throughout the evening if I was okay, where was she? And hopefully didn't notice I was upset but obviously had noted her behaviour toward me too.

Since this event I have told her how she made me feel and said I will not be coming to any more matches/events with her to be stonewalled/ignored/abused. I've had quite enough of that in previous relationships and need to put boundaries in place.

She's so so happy to be back playing and involved and I am happy for her, genuinely but I've found that whenever she mentions it, wants to show me photos or talks about anything to do with it, I get upset. It's confused me as (believe me It's true!) I have been through FAR worse than this and not been so badly affected!

So two things I'd like stranger's opinions on are;

1. Would I be unreasonable to tell her to please leave me out of the football thing for a bit, at least until I've got my head around how she treated me, I don't want to talk about it or see photos of how everyone is having such a great time when it just reminds me of how bad I felt that day

2. WHY has this had such an affect on me? I can think of so many things that have happened to me in the past that have been far more traumatic that I've bounced back from very quickly in comparison. I am not a total wimp or usually this upset to the point I have 'triggers'. EG I was attacked a couple of years ago by a man on a nearby street and I walked past there the next week with no acknowledgment. My ex assaulted me on several occasions but I seemed to just bounce back from that (I did have counselling, but I have no 'attack' triggers or long lasting effects from the actual events if that makes sense).

I guess to '2' if someone else asked me this question I would say that certain things are just triggers for certain people, depending on our past, our upbringing, our emotional make-up. But for me, It's much more difficult to analyse oneself.

She did say to me a while ago that since that day some of her teammates have asked if I am coming to watch them again, said they liked me etc. I dont think I conducted myself badly or did anything especially wrong to her.

This. Not a nice person op - you deserve better

I guess I find her so confusing. She's so thoughtful in so many ways. I had period cramps over the last couple of days and she's sent me a vibrating device that's meant to soothe-I am always getting surprise presents through the post, she'll randomly send things or pick things up she thinks I'll like, says she loves me and I am so important to her etc... but then behaves this way. This event has upset me more than any other but generally she is dismissive of me in similar ways when we're together in her 'neck of the woods' however she's very different when she visits me. Odd, but true. Why would anybody be like that?!

It doesn't matter why anyone/she would be like that. It's not your job to figure out confusing people. Why would you do that? Why would you waste your time?

If you want a partner who loves you in a consistent fashion, rather than one who confuses you with mixed messages, there's no point figuring out the mindset of someone who confuses you with mixed messages, because they're not the one for you anyway. Even if you work out why she does it, it will still hurt when she does it, so what difference does it make? She's not going to stop, so by looking for a reason, you're simply looking for a way to let her off the hook for hurting you.

Work out why your mind works like this, not why hers does. Your life is about you, not her.

She sounds abusive. It doesn't matter if she isn't 'normally like this.' The fact of the matter is that she probably is, you just don't see her often enough for it to come out. Now that it has, I hope that you are able to value yourself enough to know that you don't deserve this kind of treatment and to end it.

Nice people just don't behave like that. I get it we can all have an off day or whatever but she was over the top and outright treating you with contempt and embarrassing you infront of her friends.

And honestly, I believe her using whatever your comment was about your relationship as grounds for her mood and mistreatment of you for the rest of the evening is an excuse. She has not apologized and of course it's easier to blame you than take responsibility for her own actions. Because it works. You're in here asking us why you're so upset and questioning whether she was valid to be upset and then treat you as she did.

She was not valid at all. Her response could have been kind and to say she didn't want to discuss it right then (as you yourself pointed out) but instead she chose to make mean snappy comments or stonewall you all evening. She had no regard whatsoever to the fact she hurt you.

Please leave this horrible person and find someone who is consistently kind, not just when it suits them to be.

The nice-nasty cycle. She is simply abusive. You've posted a lot here about why you apparently can't end the relationship? But I think you deserve to find someone who treats you with respect.

In the nicest possible way (because it’s clear you’re head over heels in love with her) is she trying the coward’s way of ending the relationship?

ie. is she blowing hot/cold, nice/mean, being generally unkind to you in the hope that you’ll dump her.

I think she showers you with presents and nice attention when you're apart to keep you on the hook. Because when you're not together, you have time to think, clear your head and might dump her lousy arse.

But when the power dynamic is more in her favour and especially when you're a bit stuck, she treats you like shit.

You definitely never want to be dependent on this woman, OP.

@DatingDinosaur I have asked her this more than several times both related and unrelated to this situtation and she's cried, told me how much she's in love with me she'd never want to leave me she loves me so much,hates that I feel so awful, hates how she treats me and how I've felt as a result and she's so sorry etc etc etc
@category12 this is what happens exactly :(
Being a no-longer-young gay woman the thought of being single again isn't seeming a great prospect-I do appreciate all the responses but either outcome feels so bleak.

But I am just struggling to understand why this thing has upset me to the point I feel the need to not have any involvement at all

Because she treats you horribly, OP! Lovebombing you one minute, ignoring you the next. Everyone deserves better than this.

She hates how she treats you? So she's not in control of it then? Not responsible for her own behaviour?

You need to leave, OP. This is manipulation, and she's got you right where she wants you: confused, and trying to work her out, rather than walking away. She knows she can treat you however she wants, now, and get away with it, because 'poor her' that she has to live with her own behaviour and be responsible for it.

Your view on being single is harmful to you. It's good. But only if you are responsible for yourself. Responsibilities are all over the place, in your situation. She's not being responsible for her, so you're having to find a way of being responsible for dealing with her, and in doing so, you're neglecting your responsibility to be respectful to yourself.

Take responsibility back: you are responsible for making sure you spend your time with people whose company makes you feel good, and for rejecting those who make you feel messy. You know how she behaves towards you. You are not responsible for changing her, or anybody. You need to respect yourself enough to see that this whole situation is not good for you, and to walk away.

@Ofcourseshecan -Well, for the particular situation I speak of she was consistently awful

@WatchkeysI understand. I am glad to be affirmed that she was awful in this situation and it's normal to be still upset about it a long time afterward.
I was happier single although I had got to the stage where I was dating, before her. In the space of time I dated I only met people I'd never dream of seeing again for various (VERY good!) reasons.

I've asked her why she does behave as she does, for this particular instance she(as I've said) cited that she 'didn't want to discuss personal things in public' and that doesn't explain her behaviour for the rest of the day, plus IMO is an overreaction to the situation. Other things, she often says 'I don't know' or 'I'm sorry I don't know why I do that' or 'well I just don't think'.

I do have some very good friends who love me, and laugh (and cry) with me and are being supportive, thankfully.

I am glad to be affirmed that she was awful in this situation and it's normal to be still upset

Ask yourself why you want to be 'normal', and why, if you felt awful about the way she behaved, it needs to be confirmed by others that it's 'ok' for you to feel awful.

You're looking for external validation. But if something was normal, would you feel you had to silence your feelings? If someone you were dating had a cat, and you were phobic about cats, do you think you'd have to keep a lid on your phobia and keep going round to the person's house, because you want to be 'normal'? Or would you just accept that they were not the one for you, because you have an unusual phobia, and unfortunately their situation triggered it?

You don't want to be 'normal'; you want to be happy. However quirky or unusual you might be, respond to your own feelings, not to what other people think is normal.

I do agree @Watchkeys -I guess sometimes most of us can be over-sensitive or react differently to what is usual and 'be unreasonable' so I wanted to know if I was being odd here for some reason, perhaps due to past experience or such? Maybe it wouldn't have bothered others as much? I mean from the people she hangs about with often, I suspect one of them in this situation would have told her to bugger off, got drunk, shouted at her and/or had a great time regardless but I am just not like that.

And yes, you're quite right, I don't and never have silenced my feelings. As on the previous thread however if I want to talk, it 'triggers' her in some way and she'll often just stonewall me.

Oh this just sounds like manipulative and abusive mind games - I had an ex like this and I made similar excuses about him for years, because his 'other side' was so caring. But when he 'turned' he was vicious and controlling with straight-up gaslighting. Then he was sorry etc etc, didn't know why he acted like that. Rinse and repeat.

The thing is, you sound so lovely and the fact is you deserve someone that treats you with the same thought and consideration as you seem to treat other people.

Maybe one of the reasons you still feel so awful about it is because you're literally just waiting now for her to do it again (which she will). You need to escape this woman and her toxic behaviour.

And yes, you're quite right, I don't and never have silenced my feelings

Staying with her is the ultimate in silencing your feelings. You might be voicing them, but you're not respecting them. If you were, you'd have left her rather than coming here.

There's no such thing as 'over sensitive' or 'unreasonable'. There can't be, because there's no definitive definition of what 'reasonable' or 'sensitive' should be. 'Reasonable' and 'sensitive' are in the eye of the beholder. So, one person might think you were over sensitive, and another might say they'd feel exactly the same. One person might think you were being unreasonable whilst another might feel that you were well within your rights. There are no over arching rules. You need to be you. Anybody who makes you feel you are 'too something' is essentially saying you are too x for them, not that you are too x generically. Spend time with people who feel the same way as you do about things. You know she doesn't. And you know it makes you feel bad.

Thank you @jesusjoan
I guess when I do end things It'll take me a while to recover and get back to being me. My ex was very abusive and I did a lot of work on myself. Feels so unlucky to have ended up in this situation again.
I hate LDRs too.
I've put measures in place so that she's not able to do anything quite like this again-ie not visiting her as she's very indifferent to me when I visit her. She's much nicer when she's with me in my vicinity. I have some theories as to why but I guess I'd drive myself nuts trying to figure out exactly why.
I am sorry to hear you've been thru similar. Mine isn't really controlling or vicious, more emotionally neglectful and stonewall-y!

Your post tells everything.

You're asking the wrong questions. You're questioning yourself. Why isn't your number 1 (and only) question 'why was my gf such a dick'.

This is actually about you. You're letting her get away with being a dick. You should have left her at the game.

I take your point @SunshineAndFizz -but go where?
I would handle it differently with hindsight. I hope I never have to!

Aw this is really sad to read. You felt rejected and emotionally demeaned. .. And it still doesn't sound like she's accounted to you for why she behaved like that, so perfectly understandable as to why you'd still be affected by it. Also, it doesn't seem like a one off as you suggest she behaves badly whenever you go to see her? I don't think just not going to her and her just coming to you is a solution though. You're just avoiding the issue at hand rather than forcing her to consider her behaviours, account and make up for them. It's like a missed opportunity to learn and grow for her. I think forgiving her for that even is one thing, but her continuing to treat you like shit every time she ia in that position again, is another all together. You're just treading water.

Absolutely anywhere. Home. See a friend. Pub.

Why hang around?

You sound like a really nice, thoughtful person. Find someone who deserves you. Know your worth. Anyone who doesn't appreciate that needs to do one.

I really didn't feel up to the drive home is my only excuse. And I don't know anyone there aside from a very casual acquaintanceship with some of her family/friends who were either there or out elsewhere. As above, it did cross my mind to just get away from there, get a taxi to a pub and just sit and read but realistically I'd have been too worried, I mean I don't think she'd fall out with me but if she did, where would I have stayed?

@winteryblues time for some tough love - don't keep finding 'problems' that apparently have no solutions. Everything has a solution.

She treats you badly - leave. Go anywhere. Drive home.

You argue - sleep on the sofa. So what? It's not a reason to put up with her behaviour.

I mean I don't think she'd fall out with me but if she did, where would I have stayed

So you thought that if she fell out with you, she'd leave you with nowhere to stay? This isn't love.

Sorry to say but your GF sounds like she's been gaslighting and abusing you, stonewalling is abuse. You have a history of abusive relationships. This is a pattern and is probably rooted in childhood trauma and low self esteem.

Please explore your own issues, which are leading you to find this relationship acceptable and blaming yourself. This woman is not the right person for you, sounds like she's possibly a narcissist too.

Get yourself therapy for your own needs, realise you won't accept this behaviour as it's abusive and move on. It'll take time but you already know that deep down.

Her football mates will have noticed how she treated you and will think she is a nasty piece of work. My sister used to be mean to me in public and I often saw people looking at her with shock.