Crying during arguments

[Brightstarowl]

I really need help and advice....

I am a very emotional person, whenever me and my fiance argue I almost always end up crying and then find it hard to articulate myself.

I feel it weakens me, makes me look childish and not in control of my emotions but yet I still can't seem to help it! Once the tears form it's game over.

My brain seems to work against me too, for example if I'm not crying yet I'll think of a song that makes me sad or one of my lost loved ones, usually my Dad....and then the dreaded egg will lodge in my throat and my vision blurs....

Can anyone else relate or have any advice on how to NOT bloody well cry?

I'm desperate to make it stop!

It doesn't matter if you cry. It shows you experience strong emotions. That's one of the reasons we cry - the emotion cannot be contained so has to find a release. With you, it's crying. Stop trying to stop crying, just accept it.

How about no arguing?

Well that would be great if we lived in a perfect world.

What happens during the arguments? What are they like?

How often do you argue? What are the arguments about?

IMHO you should focus on your relationship / communication skills as a couple to try to minimise upsetting arguments arising in the first place.

Crying during an argument can sometimes be a tactic for shutting down the other person / eliciting sympathy. Maybe that is what you're doing subconsciously?

No way am I doing that and I really resent that you're even suggesting it!

I am on here posting how to stop crying so clearly I'm not doing it to be manipulative subconsiously or otherwise!!

A huge ball of overwhelming sadness fills my chest and stomach and explodes out....dramatic as that sounds it's the truth, I hate it so much, I'm ashamed of the fact that I cry like a baby, I'm 40 next year!

They're horrible, my other half talks over me and misunderstands everything I say.

I used to cry during arguments when I was with my ex. He was really good at twisting the truth or what I said (still is) so that he was the victim, I got so angry and upset and frustrated and would cry and then he'd tell me I was doing it to manipulate him. But really I was just completely tangled up in words. I'd o ly be able to formulate clear thoughts when I'd stepped away and calmed down.

I never get in that state with DP. He doesn't tangle me up like that and I can stay calm and actually verbalise any issues.

I only just realised that i haven't had this problem since being with him when i started answering your post. The problem is your partner, not so much you. However maybe try stepping away saying youre getting upset and you'll come back when you've got control of yourself?

I have this problem too. Your description is exactly how I feel. I now tell DH I need to step away to gather myself. I listen to what he has to say, step away and then return later. I tried to stop crying but it just made me angry instead.

what are you arguing about ? Do the tears come to end the argument ?

Maybe you need to consider what exactly is causing all this?

Does he listen to you? Does he respect you? There's not really any need for him to be arguing if he listens to you, communicates his feelings clearly and calmly and respects your point of view even if he disagrees. Do you argue with anyone else or just him? Does he start the arguments? Does he know what buttons to push to get you to the point where you're crying? How often is this happening? How angry does he get?

From what you say you seem to be struggling with really overwhelming emotions - are you often overwhelmed apart from when you argue with him? Do you often struggle to regulate your emotions? How is your self esteem? Do you really struggle with any kind of criticism? I ask because you seemed so defensive and angry about someone wondering if you were crying to get your own way subconsciously. Emotional dysregulation and overwhelming emotions can be a sign of BPD could you have something like that going on for you or is it just him that you are overwhelmed by?

I think you need to look at if this is actually a good relationship for you, whatever the case.

Thank you!

I can absolutely empathise with everything you said.

And I will take your advice the next time conflict crops up.

Thanks again x

Those don’t sound like normal arguments. DH and I disagree at times and I’m an easy crier - happy things, sad things, beautiful sunsets, the sound of children singing, I’m a big old bawler, it’s a running joke among my family and friends - but he’s never made me cry unless he’s done something really lovely and I’ve never cried during a disagreement.

It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship with functional or acceptable communication. If you’re regularly this overwhelmed by sadness and falling apart then you need to break up.

My self esteem is probably pretty shaky if I'm honest...I have a lot of childhood trauma which I think it stems from.

I also have huge abandonment issues. I often struggle to regulate my emotions, I don't think anyone really likes critisism but I certainly don't lol....Again, I think it's from childhood trauma, having a mum who was overly critical has hugely influenced this I think.

I'd honestly say he often starts arguments over silly things like laundry and missing socks...I can be ratty when it's time of the month.

It is mainly him I argue with and he certainly doesn't listen which makes me get really frustrated because I feel unheard and disrespected.

It's not a perfect relationship but the idea of being without him send me in to a panic due to the abondonment issues I face.

Bless you.

I'm going to try this next time we argue.

Thank you 🌹

Op I can be the same. I think more often for me the crying comes from a place of frustration than one of actual sadness. Strong emotions that aren't sadness can cause tears, crying from joy would be another example.

I do yoga and have felt a lot more in control of myself since I started. Maybe you could practice something similar, or breathing exercises, meditation etc. Find ways to calm yourself and work yourself down from emotional escalation. You have to put a coping mechanism in place and then learn to rely on it to calm yourself, it won't work without practice though.

Do you feel that your feelings and thoughts are respected in a general sense? Are you, when not arguing, able to put your point across and feel that it is adequately heard? Has this been the case all your life?

It might be frustration, and the argument is the straw that breaks the already burdened camel's back. If you generally keep your feelings quiet/wish you didn't have them, then an emotion-laden disagreement will really trigger your upset, because there's a backlog. You're showing signs of not respecting your own feelings in your OP ( dramatic as that sounds it's the truth, I hate it so much, I'm ashamed of the fact that I cry like a baby )

I'd suggest that your baby self was told to be quiet when crying, and your child self was told to be quiet instead of having 'bad' feelings, and now your adult self is ashamed that the baby and child are still trying to get their cries heard.

That's what happened to me, anyway. Perhaps I'm barking up the wrong tree. But once I learned to respect my feelings ('I cry in arguments because that's who I am, and I really like me, so I'm not going to feel shame about it'), I stopped crying , and started to put myself across as an adult. The cry has to come out somewhere, and arguments with partners are too reminiscent, subconciously, of being told off by a parent.

I have dabbled with yoga but never properly committed to it. I will try it, at this point I will try anything to control the crying, because once I start, I can't stop.

Meditation has sadly never worked for me, I have tried.

My tears definitely come from a mixture of sadness, frustration and anger.

When it happened last night i made a conscious effort to focus on my breathing to no avail. 😑

I will start doing yoga each day, perhaps I need to take action before I get to the point of crying because it always seems too late by that stage.

Thanks for your advice. 💐

And THAT is why you are crying.

Because he wants you to be.

You are not the problem op. Most people cry when they are being emotionally abused.

I bet he has form for calling you 'oversensitive'when you react to his nastiness and mind-fuckery with upset. Now you genuinely think you are the problem: because he wants you to think that.

Healthy relationships don't involve partners that talk over us as wont listen.

Out of curiosity, do you also sometimes catch him smirking when he has driven you to the point of upset and incoherence? (Just because his sort often do. And it's a really good indicator of their true nature as normal people are pleased when their partner is suffering).

*aren't pleased

Do you know, you've actually hit the nail on the head. My feelings were never respected as a child and I was always scolded for crying and shouted at, my Mum was terrible for this.

As a teenager I daren't argue with my Dad and only really started standing up for myself as an adult....

Your very last sentence has particularly struck a chord with me....and maybe that's why my brain always makes me cry more by thinking of my late Dad.

Thank you x

Or just a normal one.
I mean the odd bicker might be to be expected but I wouldn't stay in a relationship where I was constantly talked over and 'musunderstood'. Let alone to the point of being really upset. Let alone on a regular basis.

Who taught you that this was normal? Or remotely acceptable? Why don't you think you deserve better than this? Because I assure you, there doesn't need to be a perfect world for you to have a relationship free of this drama. Just a version of you that doesn't date shitty, disrespectful men in this one.

Your relationship sounds very unhealthy. All of this arguing is ridiculous. It shouldn't be this hard.

Ah...upbringing where you were not respected. Well there's the reason then. The place it all started.

You do deserve better, there is better out there for you.

Your feelings are valid. If you are upset then its probably because you have every right to be when someone mistreats you.

I cry easily and tbh when I'm accused of doing it to be manipulative in a confrontation, it just makes it worse because then not only am I angry /frustrated at the initial confrontation I'm then more so because I'm being misinterpreted at best and it's being used to shut me up at worst.

It's something I hate happening but something I really struggle to control and I feel the manipulation accusation is a go to for people who don't want to resolve anything, they just want to be right and not compromise at all and I'm then more annoyed (at myself too!) Because I've handed them the perfect tool to dismiss me! I get where you're coming from because it's so bloody annoying!

To echo a pp (I am single but these situations do crop up with family and quite often at work where 'customers' go on the attack - less of an argument there but similar feelings) I call a halt and step away to calm down, it's no different than doing so if you felt like you were going to lose your temper or you started really shouting etc - you need to step away from the situation to get control of your emotions and think things through and then go back. I tend to shut down a bit now and look away, let them rant on and not answer when I feel it starting, and I can't step away.

To echo another pp - I was repeatedly told off for crying as a child, no matter what the reason, and accused of doing it to make my mother feel bad, it took me until recently to realise that she totally dismissed any feelings I have ever had and she's so self absorbed that she thinks everyone's actions and feelings are about her, aimed at her, not that they have them because they're a person too.