Page 3 | Crying during arguments

Brightstarowl · 2022-11-28T12:56:41+00:00

I really need help and advice.... I am a very emotional person, whenever me and my fiance argue I almost always end up crying and then find it hard to articulate myself. I feel it weakens me, makes me look childish and not in control of my emotions but yet I still can't seem to help it! Once the tears form it's game over. My brain seems to work against me too, for example if I'm not crying yet I'll think of a song that makes me sad or one of my lost loved ones, usually my Dad....and then the dreaded egg will lodge in my throat and my vision blurs.... Can anyone else relate or have any advice on how to NOT bloody well cry? I'm desperate to make it stop!

froggedup · 28/11/2022 21:28

In summary: prioritise being honest with yourself and other people over keeping the peace. The right people will reciprocate and respect that and the wrong ones will leave because they can't win, and that's no real loss.

Watchkeys · 29/11/2022 09:03

My mum. It's in no way possible to talk to her about it because there would be a huge fall out and I just can't cope with that

Nothing that you need to do to sort this out involves having to talk to anybody about anything you don't want to. This is the whole point: you do what you need/want to do, and you don't need anybody else's agreement or permission. You are in charge of you.

I may just try to stop engaging when my partner becomes argumentative, after all, it's not him who ends up in tears

This would be like putting your child in a room with someone who makes her cry, and then pulling her out once she's starting to get really upset. It's still a method of dealing with the symptom, rather than the cause. A bit like curing a broken leg by cutting it off: magic! No more broken leg symptoms!

The simple fact of it all is that you are responsible for not putting yourself into upsetting situations. If that involves coming to an understanding with your partner, great. If it involves leaving him, so be it. I left mine. And suddenly I wasn't hysterical at the slightest thing any more. Suddenly, I was only in situations where I felt adult and under control.

Is there anybody other than your Mum and your partner who make you feel this way?

Original poster

Brightstarowl · 29/11/2022 09:15

froggedup · 28/11/2022 21:22

I'm the same - I think any kind of argument triggers past abandonment issues (parents locking me in my room/ignoring me for days/not allowing me to express being scared/hurt/upset) - and so I either minimise how I'm feeling or immediately get anxious and upset and panic that I'm about to be rejected or punished for trying to express myself. My dad used to accuse me of "turning on the waterworks"/"crocodile tears" and my ex was similar - would either downright ignore or accuse me of being manipulative.

I thought I was an awful, manipulative narcissist and decided I needed anger management therapy because I was clearly so unreasonable and hotheaded - and I did need it, because I'd gotten so used to squashing how I felt about everything to avoid conflict that I'd become a simmering ball of rage under the surface. My therapist pointed out that even if I was crying 'deliberately', it was probably because subconsciously I was hoping it would prevent the other person from hurting me. I started to focus less on trying to persuade the other person to see my point of view, and more on not minimising my own feelings. That led to less outbursts/escalation in arguments because I was coming from a more logical place rather than emotional. It also led to me walking away from multiple new relationships when I realised they were more focused on "winning" arguments than resolving them and I could see when they were trying to confuse me into giving in - fuck that.

I'd recommend reading 'Attached' by Amir Levine - you can take accountability for your behaviour and reactions but there are some people you truly just aren't compatible with because they don't make you feel comfortable enough to express yourself without worrying you will be punished for it.

Bloodyhell we sound identical.

I have lots of simmering rage under the surface too, abandonment issues and also grew up thinking I was defective and bad....I've only just stopped believing that in the past year and I'm 40 next year!

It's taken so much self awareness and self talk to understand that it was never me that was evil or bad....

I love a good book recommendation so thanks for that, I will have a look 😀

OP posts:

Original poster

Brightstarowl · 29/11/2022 09:18

Watchkeys · 29/11/2022 09:03

My mum. It's in no way possible to talk to her about it because there would be a huge fall out and I just can't cope with that

Nothing that you need to do to sort this out involves having to talk to anybody about anything you don't want to. This is the whole point: you do what you need/want to do, and you don't need anybody else's agreement or permission. You are in charge of you.

I may just try to stop engaging when my partner becomes argumentative, after all, it's not him who ends up in tears

This would be like putting your child in a room with someone who makes her cry, and then pulling her out once she's starting to get really upset. It's still a method of dealing with the symptom, rather than the cause. A bit like curing a broken leg by cutting it off: magic! No more broken leg symptoms!

The simple fact of it all is that you are responsible for not putting yourself into upsetting situations. If that involves coming to an understanding with your partner, great. If it involves leaving him, so be it. I left mine. And suddenly I wasn't hysterical at the slightest thing any more. Suddenly, I was only in situations where I felt adult and under control.

Is there anybody other than your Mum and your partner who make you feel this way?

It's only my partner who can make me cry....Anyone else will just make me angry.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 29/11/2022 09:31

So your partner is the one you have the response that makes you feel embarrassed because it's childlike, and you retain your adult composure with anyone and everyone else?

froggedup · 29/11/2022 12:56

Brightstarowl · 29/11/2022 09:15

Bloodyhell we sound identical.

I have lots of simmering rage under the surface too, abandonment issues and also grew up thinking I was defective and bad....I've only just stopped believing that in the past year and I'm 40 next year!

It's taken so much self awareness and self talk to understand that it was never me that was evil or bad....

I love a good book recommendation so thanks for that, I will have a look 😀

Show quote history

I think we might be! It's awful, isn't it. It seems so obvious now that there was never anything "evil" about us, but it's so sad how much it can impact your sense of self-worth once you've internalised that message and how much bloody work it takes to unlearn that - I remember constantly being called "aggressive" by my mum as a child because I would be trying SO hard to get her to understand how I felt - there's nothing aggressive about a 12 year-old who just wants her mum to listen to her!

Another book I liked is Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. I'm glad you posted, hope this thread has helped 🙂

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 29/11/2022 13:24

@Brightstarowl

I'm more worried your other half sounds a nasty bully than the crying - get rid you'll meet someone else who doesn't make you cry
This isn't normal for a relationship and you deserve much better ❤️

ItsaMetalBand · 29/11/2022 14:46

@Watchkeys
I'm some years on from my therapy to get from where OP is now to where I am now and I've never seen it explained so clearly. Once I parented myself and my emotions the way I would do if I was my mother, it was a massive improvement.

Now I rarely would cry in an argument (and they themselves are rare anyway with DH) I still bawl easily at a movie scene or some unexpected kindness but I'm ok with those...

layladomino · 29/11/2022 17:43

I don't think your crying is the root issue here..... you're in a relationship with someone who regularly makes arguements out of small things, talks over you and won't listen to your views and feelings..... THAT'S the big issue here. Why would you want to be with somone who treats you so horribly? And it's telling that you only cry with him, not with anybody else.

There may be stuff from your childhood that's worth working through, yes, but your relationship seems to have plugged in and excacerbated those issues, because it isn't healthy.

On another note, a pp said crying is fine it just means you have stronger feelings. I can't agree with that. Crying is an outlet to emotion. It doesn't mean you feel more. I have a friend who didn't cry at her own husband's funeral. She was distraught, bereft, lost the man of her dreams. Her neighbour, two rows behind, was a crying wreck throughout. The person crying isn't necessarily the one feeling the most emotion. Sorry that was an aside, just felt the need to say it.

Watchkeys · 29/11/2022 18:40

There may be stuff from your childhood that's worth working through, yes, but your relationship seems to have plugged in and excacerbated those issues, because it isn't healthy

It's all the same thing, @layladomino , I would imagine.

@Brightstarowl Do you think that your relationship might be unhealthy? I'm wondering if you're not listening to your feelings regarding that, too. That's what I did: I tried to stay with people who wound me up, because I couldn't admit to myself or anybody else that I just wasn't happy in the relationship. Over-riding that one feeling paved the way for all the episodes of childlike disruption from me. I was simply not listening to myself, despite the screaming inside telling me really loudly what I was feeling. I thought that if someone was a nice, popular person, I should be able to make a relationship with them work, and if I couldn't, that was a a failing in me. Does any of that sound familiar?

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 30/11/2022 20:18

Firstly, he sounds like a cunt. He would make anyone cry. Secondly, try folding your tongue and pressing it hard to the roof of your mouth to stop you crying if that seems necessary - but, what about screaming in his face instead?

Original poster

Brightstarowl · 01/12/2022 11:49

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 30/11/2022 20:18

Firstly, he sounds like a cunt. He would make anyone cry. Secondly, try folding your tongue and pressing it hard to the roof of your mouth to stop you crying if that seems necessary - but, what about screaming in his face instead?

Ha ha! I

Believe me, I have shouted in his face.

Your first sentence is spot on, he really can be a C U Next Tuesday.

OP posts:

Original poster

Brightstarowl · 01/12/2022 11:51

Watchkeys · 29/11/2022 18:40

There may be stuff from your childhood that's worth working through, yes, but your relationship seems to have plugged in and excacerbated those issues, because it isn't healthy

It's all the same thing, @layladomino , I would imagine.

@Brightstarowl Do you think that your relationship might be unhealthy? I'm wondering if you're not listening to your feelings regarding that, too. That's what I did: I tried to stay with people who wound me up, because I couldn't admit to myself or anybody else that I just wasn't happy in the relationship. Over-riding that one feeling paved the way for all the episodes of childlike disruption from me. I was simply not listening to myself, despite the screaming inside telling me really loudly what I was feeling. I thought that if someone was a nice, popular person, I should be able to make a relationship with them work, and if I couldn't, that was a a failing in me. Does any of that sound familiar?

It is probably (almost certainly) unhealthy.

But I'm terrified of being without him, I don't know why.

OP posts: