Out of the blue

[kayai]

I came home from work two weeks ago to my Husband of 20 years crying his eyes out. It turns out that he and my best friend have developed feelings for each other (it hasn't gone any further than emotions yet). He said he had to tell me as it was mentally killing him.
I said if we cut her out of our lives then we may be able to stay together but he won't give her up. He says they're best friends and he needs her in his life. So I've left him. I can't stay knowing he loves someone else. He says he still loves me but he loves her too.

I feel so stupid right now, I had suspicions something was going on but I trusted them both implicitly She was always at my house or messaging him with excuses such as needing help with things. it hurts so much right now.
I'm staying at a friends flat. I don't really know why I'm posting except that writing it down makes it seem more real.
I hate the thought of them being together and I'm in so much pain.
Apologies for the wall of text.

Well done @kayai you are so so brave. I wish you the absolute best, happiest life - which I am sure you will have eventually without these two in it.

Is there anything you need hel sorting out, do you have kids or property to sort? This place is a mine of support and information so please keep posting, even if just to rant about how unfair this all is. Which it absolutely damn well is!

💐💐💐

Oh god, what a betrayal. You're doing brilliantly. You might not know it, but you are.
Keep taking.

Kayai, my heart goes out to you for this double betrayal.

These two are the lowest of the low — conducting their affair in plain sight in your home, right in front of you. That’s a special kind of nasty.

Kudos for leaving and refusing to diminish yourself by pick-me dancing. Shine a light on the rock they are hiding under and inform your loved ones. Do you have children, Kayai?

Whenever possible, communicate with him by email, and don’t lend your shoulder for his pity party. He abused your trust and trashed your marriage, so must face the consequences.

When you find your bearings I would suggest IC to help you move through the grieving process. Your anger can serve you well to gather strength.

When the time feels right, visit a solicitor to learn your options.

I hope his knob rots off.

Thank you all for the support. It helps a lot. I have a Son (17) but he is staying with his Dad as I don't want to make his life any more difficult with school and friends. I have given him the option to come with me if wants to.
He's always been closer to his Dad and I'm trying not to come between them by taking him away.
I'm lucky to have a job I love, with great people who are supportive and I will be fine financially.
But I'm really struggling to sleep and to eat at the moment. It's at night when I'm on my own it hits me hardest.
It's hard to accept that the life I had with him is over now, and I have to move on while he plays happy families with her.

Have you confronted your friend op? Does she know you know?

I hope you’ve told your family and other friends so you have lots of real life support as well as here

I messaged her on the first night suggesting that she remove herself from the situation and at least keep some shred of her her dignity. She's never replied or tried to call me. She's continued to message and call him though. Telling him she's too scared of me.

😂 like hell she’s too scared of you, too ashamed more like! The cow!

I'm just so sorry @kayai
My first husband left me for someone else, it was agony, but I recovered slowly, met someone else 2 years later, and married him 2 years after that. This all happened in the 1980s, My second husband and I have been together over 30 years now.

It really does get better. In the meantime I am keeping you in my thoughts, and sending you the warmest of wishes 🩷

She is no friend. This is a double betrayal and in the long run you are best rid of them both. I am so sorry you are going through this.

@kayai

So sorry this has happened but leaving was the right thing.

Betrayed by two people you trusted.

You are strong and you done the right thing for your DS.

scared of you?

many men would be scared of Mike Tyson so they wouldn’t then shag his wife.

They both sound awful.

Dont do the pick me dance.

You don’t want him. Even if he picked you the relationship wouldn’t recover from this.

Block and delete her.
Leave him immediately.
Lick your wounds.

Take back control of this situation and your life. Come back in 18 months time bigger and better.

Why did you leave, couldn't he have left ?

You poor thing. What a cow she is! And he is a horror for not leaving if he felt such strong feelings for someone else. Go to bed for a week or so. Get takeaway and bill it to his credit card. You know all the blah blah ducks in a row shit.

Why have you left the house? He should be the one to leave.

Move back in and get him to leave. Or just move back in however hard it is.

You need to protect your interests in any marital assets. You've been married 20 years so even if the house is in his name, you will have a claim on it.

Don't make it easy for him to move this woman in like you're interchangeable.

Find your anger and get a solicitor to advise you.

You’ve done the right thing. It’s just so bloody hurtful when it’s your best friend too. A double betrayal. The fact he’s not prepared to give her up speaks volumes. I’m so sorry you’ve been treated like this. Stay strong OP

They are sneaky Snakes who were privileged to have your trust, but chose to abuse you.

It’s no wonder that OW is afraid of you. She helped herself to your Husband while pretending to be your closest Friend. As for H, he is a weak, self-serving traitor who began an affair in his Wife and Son’s home. That is truly beyond the pale. What a terrible role model he is.

Kayai, your pain is palpable after this horrific blow. Just know that you will go from strength to strength….but they will forever be sneaky Snakes who colluded to harm someone who loved and trusted them with a pure heart. I’m sure they have lost the respect of so many.

Please keep posting for support.

Ditto @category12‘s advice to move back in. The cheat needs to be the one to move out, not you, the injured spouse. It would be so unjust for you to lose your home on top of losing your marriage. Read him the riot act, move back, and send him on his way!

The depths chests will sink to never fails to surprise me.

What a nasty pair of self serving, entitled, creeps they are.

I loathe this 'I'm afraid of her' nonsense, it's a typical OW comment to make them appear like the victim that needs saving. Honestly feel sick just reading it!

I know you've said it was just emotional but cheats ALWAYS minimise. If they had contact alone this is unlikely. So you may want to get an STD screening. I also think you should move back and pack his bags.

Get yourself a copy of 'leave a cheat gain a life' it's a great book for helping understand just how predictable these cheats are. It'll help you see their narrative for the shit show it truly is. Her website chumplady is also a cathartic place to be!

I know the shock and trauma is real now but I promise with time it dissipates, it's like an earthquake with aftershocks but those do lessen. I scored every day out of ten in my first year and slowly but surely the numbers crept up (from 0) and it reminded me I was getting better.

You may need individual counselling to deal with any PTSD style symptoms you're struggling with.

I'm so sorry that this nasty pair hurt you.

Bless you, I can relate with not eating or sleeping after a betrayal : the father of my daughter was a serial cheater but I had to move back to my mum’s because he had purely his name on the Tenancy (had rented the house for a few years prior).

Yes, I was young and naive.

Look after yourself, take some time to heal, do what you need to do to feel better again.

Everything turned out great for me eventually as I met a wonderful man, had two more children, and have lived happily ever after 😁

Self care at the moment lovely.

Get back home and turf him out, get to bed, try to eat and drink, make a gp appointment (that maybe hard so call them as soon as possible) have your son at home and ask him to help you through this, why are you concerned about him and his father getting on and their relationship?
Surely your son can see how badly this must affect you the double betrayal ?
If he doesn't know tell him, he is not a child and you need support and sucour.

If you get him out of the home aswell when you are ready you will have better access to documents you need for getting your ducks in a row and also making sure that vile shit of a woman doesn't use your home to futher stick the knife in.

I honestly can't believe some women, and men, they disgust me, utter trash the both of them, believe me one day you will see how far above this devious pair of liars you are, but for now try to get as much support as you can, and look after yourself, your body and mind is in shock.

To be honest, I don't want the house, it has too many memories in it. I think I need to start fresh away from him. Luckily enough the house is rented so there is nothing financial to split with me. He's hardly a catch at the moment he's got no job and no money as he left his job to start a business with me.
I own half the business and I'm keeping that.
Thank you for all your messages. I agree that they are both a pair of snakes and don't deserve me in their lives. My son is off to university next year so that's why it's not worth uprooting him. He knows the situation but still wants to be there.

I'm sorry, it's the ultimate betrayal.

How long were you best friends with her?

Given it's a rental, you've done the right thing leaving! Fresh start! How long can you stay in your friends flat??

Are you looking for a place of your own? Is there much at the old rental that you would want to take?

I'm glad you've got a job you love with supportive colleagues.

take care of yourself, it's a shitty thing to go through, but I can tell you will 'get through' it and you'll make a happy life for yourself 💐