Out of the blue

[kayai]

I came home from work two weeks ago to my Husband of 20 years crying his eyes out. It turns out that he and my best friend have developed feelings for each other (it hasn't gone any further than emotions yet). He said he had to tell me as it was mentally killing him.
I said if we cut her out of our lives then we may be able to stay together but he won't give her up. He says they're best friends and he needs her in his life. So I've left him. I can't stay knowing he loves someone else. He says he still loves me but he loves her too.

I feel so stupid right now, I had suspicions something was going on but I trusted them both implicitly She was always at my house or messaging him with excuses such as needing help with things. it hurts so much right now.
I'm staying at a friends flat. I don't really know why I'm posting except that writing it down makes it seem more real.
I hate the thought of them being together and I'm in so much pain.
Apologies for the wall of text.

What a scumbag your ex is, you are completely right to not lie to your son and for him to suggest you do is abhorrent.

You have been fantastically strong through a horrific betrayal and the hardest part is over now.

I wish you nothing but happiness going forward, you deserve it. X

You’re doing so well. You’re bound to have ups and downs. You’ve been treated disgustingly by them both. He is both an idiot and very selfish to expect you to help them normalise their relationship with your son. You don’t owe him anything, he had no thought for you. I’m not saying slag them off to your son, but you don’t have to help them!

im glad you’ve another house. Finding your own feet and space will help. Be careful online dating. It’s very soon. I did exactly the same when I split up from my ex who cheated. I wasn’t ready and I took every knock from the dates very personally- I hadn’t dealt with what had happened. But you might be different. Some people move on very quickly, I don’t.

Your emotions will be all over the place, so be prepared for random burst of sadness, anger , euphoria.. it’s all part of the process.
Your ex knows he’s doing/ done a shitty thing- but he doesn’t want people in-his world to know.
He wants to control the narrative, by claiming the split is amicable- you tell the truth, if he doesn’t like it - tough!

I write this as I’m surrounded by packing boxes in what was my marital home.
Having been in a similar situation to yourself I say this, it does get easier but you never forget the betrayal and utter heartbreak.
Be prepared for your ex to become a totally selfish, uncaring arse-who will re- write history and somehow blame you for his affair.
it’s all crap, but they all sing the same song.
You will be fine.

You will go from strength to strength now! The dead wood has been cut and you have an amazing attitude towards it all!
Don't fret if you find yourself grieving. It is natural to mourn the loss and still know its the right thing to move on xxx

OW said that I made her anxious and scared too. Don’t listen to that rubbish like you’re the bad guy. No, she is!!! Pisses me off when I hear that.

God, they really are tossers aren't they? Why should you pretend you are ok with it - who the hell is ok with their husband shacking up with their best friend? That would be weirder!

I had an ex say to me "why aren't you happy for me that i found love" 2 months after he ended our engagement to be with other woman. Absolutely deluded.

Don't pretend to your son, it's healthy for your son the understand that even parents get hurt and his Dad has done something that hurt you. Otherwise your ds may believe that cheating with someone is acceptable behaviour in a relationship.

You don't have to sit and slag them both off, but it's ok not to be ok about it and tell your son this if he asks. Your exdh is a selfish individual!

You're riding a roller coaster, enjoy the good days, feel the feels on the bad days. I felt like I could carry the world on my shoulders on some days and others I was a pathetic mess.

You don't need to shield your boy from this. I always say age appropriate honesty, your son is 17 he's at an age where he will understand.

Keep on moving forward...

Wow OP, kudos for how you have handled this. Happy you have a new home and work is keeping you busy. It must be unimaginably hard to cope with that betrayal.

Do not worry if the CBT doesnt work for you - it is not the right approach for everyone. But hopefully it does! :)

I was awake thinking about this and worrying about your son. I think your ex is putting your son in a very difficult situation that he won't at all be ready for. His mum and dad have just separated, his mum has left. He must be feeling like his world has been smashed apart.

I hope to god your ex isn't banging on to his son about needing to accept his new girlfriend - if he is then he has absolutely no empathy and very few parenting skills.

Your son need his home to be his home. I hope your old best friend hasn't been anywhere near the house yet for your son's sake - that needs to be at least a year down the line if not longer. Your ex can't just adopt a whole new life and expect everyone to not react.

Please make sure your ex is looking after your sons feelings first and foremost - this is the ONLY important thing right now - sod the adults.

Well done @kayai , your ex sounds like complete scum , your son is old enough to know the absolute truth .

Ugh, he likes making himself the victim, doesn't he? Poor me, crying because I still love my wife but want to be with this woman. Poor me, refusing to stop seeing her but letting my wife be the one to break us up and move out. Poor me because my wife won't stick to the narrative of the wonderful love story and everyone being happy.

Great that you are keeping your dignity and not slagging them both off to your son, for his sake. But your son is well old enough to understand why you'd be pissed off. Why would you pretend not to be?