Would HRT help my premenstrual rage at DH

[Moveonward]

I’m almost 42 and for the past couple of years have noticed my mood taking a serious downturn the week before my period is due. Im irritable and can’t move on from arguments for a couple of days then my period arrives and my mood stabilises again.

This has got progressively worse to the point almost every month now I’m contemplating divorce the week before my period and I’m filled with utter rage at him- normally about this inability to take on any of the the household mental load and the way he breezes through life forgetting things, breaking things, losing things with an expectation I will pick up the pieces, whilst I hold down a stressful full time job with a long commute 2 kids and I’m the main earner. The anger I feel is justified but not the intensity and the fact it can go from 1-100 in minutes.

I can rant and rave scream and shout and then feel deeply ashamed afterwards that this red hot lava of resentment bubbles up and erupts. It’s always aimed at him and I can exactly time it to the week before and a couple of days into my period.

I’ve read about perimenopausal rage and I wonder if I need HRT. I’m only 42 though- is this too young? I’ve promised myself and DH to speak to the gp this week about it as I think we will end up splitting up soon if I can’t stabilise my mood again.

Has anyone else been in this situation and has HRT helped? I don’t think I need antidepressants as my mood is fairly stable and good for the rest of the month

It sounds like your rage is pretty justified. What's his excuse for not doing more? If you need HRT, you need HRT, but medicating yourself to help you deal with your husband's inadequacies doesn't sound like the right solution!

You could try Evening Primrose oil, it can definitely help over time, however it sounds like you’ve reached the end of your tether with your husband. He doesn’t sound great tbh, I take it he sees no issue with his behaviour or has done little to address it?

I think my anger is justified but the level of utter rage I feel seems to be coinciding with getting older and it’s always related to my menstrual cycle

I have cried, talked, argued and ranted over and over for years about how I can’t micromanage everything in our lives. If I drop the ball there’s no one there to pick things up.
we agreed I would take on the ‘bigger job’ as I want double what he does and I have explained in the past to him that the reason men were the breadwinners for so long is because they have a wife at home doing everything else!! I need a wife!

Sounds like you have PMT and a lot of very good reasons to feel anger.

Maybe for most of the month your hormones allow you to suppress the reality of your feelings.

OP it sounds miserable being so unsupported by someone so inept and self-absorbed.

HRT wont solve the problem because it sounds like it’s not you that’s the problem. It’s him.

He sounds worse than useless. Damaging.

My anger is never directed at anyone else- just him. I’ve just been super capable for so long now and so most of the time manage to mitigate any issues by basically remembering everything.

He does have a full time job but home by 1630 and tells me all the time how low stress it is, whereas im working full time hrs in 4 days- leaving the house at 0630 and home at 2030 and simply don’t have the bandwidth to carry everything any more

When you say you’ve promised your DH you’ll see the GP makes me think he doesn’t think he is to blame and you are being unreasonable. Can you calmly talk to him at a time when you’re not feeling so enraged about the fact that he needs to step up? Explain that you can no longer take on all the load and tell him explicitly the things you are going to stop doing from now on and that you expect him to pick up. At least try that before going on any medication.

I take citalopram for anxiety to stop the mood swings I was having from about 35 around the time of my period. I don’t think I’m peri menopausal yet. Although it definitely sounds like you have a DH problem in the first instance!

I was the same and started using menopace max and it took a week and no fights at all after. The only symptom left is hot flashes but I just layer up.

I know that everybody here will tell you (perhaps rightly so) that you have a husband problem, not a hormonal balance problem — however — I’m nearly 44 and have been experiencing exactly the same symptoms over the past year or so. The week or so before my period (still completely regular) I am just utterly rageful in certain specific scenarios that feel unsettling.

I don’t have any answers – but I just wanted to tell you, I hear you, and I understand 100%.

I hear you. I understand what you're going through. I wish I could see it when it was happening- it's only after my period starts that I realize how absolutely horrible I have been.

DH is actually quite good at dealing with me.. 🙈

Instagram is filled with women like the menopause fairy - they can do a Dutch test for you and translate it to see what your body needs..

Good luck 👍🏻

I get the rage. It is something that just happens a week before a period is due. I was not one for PMT until the last few years so it is a new experience for me.

I work in a pretty much all male environment and the little, and not so little things, they do which are utterly shit and piss me off (which they are oblivious to) can send me into a meltdown. Luckily I WFH so can disconnect for a while.
So many times I have had my resignation written out ready to go, then I look at the calendar and decide to give it a week before I send it in. Not handed it in yet as the rage evaporates.

But your husband sounds like he could be a bit more helpful, I suggest baby steps pre rage so expectations are clear.

Honestly try magnesium. It's balanced me out so that I really don't have the massive dips like I used to. I've been taking it for nearly two years (I'm 42.5). One month recently I was exceptionally stressed (external factors!) and didn't take it as often as I normally do and was back to my exploding self. It really does make a difference

Tbh, it's made me worse. I started it after menopause, and before starting HRT but post meno, I was calm and patient as a saint. HRT has regressed me to the sort of hormonal mood swings I had before. Though not as severe, I sometimes wonder if its worth it as I loved being mood free. But my skin and hair are lovely and I've lost weight, so it's a tough call.
Everyone is different though. I think you can tell yourself the difference between justifiable anger and the red mist, so if it is the latter it might be worth a try.

Hi OP. My mum had this when she was menopausal, and it was too directed at my dad.

She eventually started on low dose citalopram and also HRT and is like a different person. Much calmer, happier and able to communicate with people without losing her rag. She swears but it. She was older though and actually menopausal not pre.

I guess everyone will be different so would suggest best thing would be to speak to gp. Best of luck to you

Yes this is exactly it. The kids don’t wind me up, work is stressful but I cope well… it’s just directed at DH. It’s always triggered by what I feel is a justifiable reason but then is utterly rage filled and out of control. I think I do need to talk to my GP as it’s upsetting my kids as well as it must be really scary seeing their mum out of control.

im so ashamed afterwards and promise myself I’ll keep more control next month…. Until the next month rolls round

this is almost certainly pmdd (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). I was diagnosed with it last year and relate extremely well to your OP. There is a great subreddit if you’re used to using Reddit and want to read real life experiences of other women - r/pmdd or Google “pmdd subreddit”. IAPMD is an outstanding resource that is more formal and has so much amazing information.

I’m starting chemical menopause in 2 days due to SSRIs, estradiol patches, and oral contraceptives doing nothing to stop the demon coming every month. it’s a truly horrible disorder, so I hope you don’t have it. Take a look at the nhs diagnostic criteria and please keep a symptoms diary for two months, explaining your mood at the end of each day, and any unusual physical changes you may experience (joint pain, sweating more than usual, insomnia etc) and go to your doctor if you think you have it. Ask for a referral to a gynaecologist. Your gp will not be trained in pmdd and will not be able to prescribe you the medication you need.

in terms of what’s lessened the demon each month

• antihistamines (allevia/Allegra is the most common one for pmdd)
• allowing myself to rest - i’m genuinely poorly during this time and need to respect my body and mind. I find when I allow myself the rest I need I am better to those around me
• earplugs - I get extreme sound sensitivity during the luteal phase and any annoying sounds make me rage. It’s better for everyone if those sounds are dulled!

PMD(D?) is awful, both for person with it and for their family. I started on a different pill and began low-dose escitalopram and oh my giddy aunt, I am such a different person to be around. My poor DH bore the brunt for so long. We are in a much better relationship now, able to talk calmly and logically about most things before they become bigger issues.

Regardless of the problems you have in your relationship, please do talk to your doctor. Highly recommend this!

Yep mine got worse too, I now think I always had PMDD.

Yep sort your hormones and yep sort your DH out - he needs to step up and do more of the practical and mental load and you need to let him fail and things go wrong for him to pick the pieces.

The research I did said that natural oestrogen is the holy grail for PMDD not the synthetic stuff on the contraceptive pill. I also taken taurine, magnesium citrate, B6.

I have wondered if it’s pmdd. I feel really out of control when it happens and I’m so worried about the impact on my daughters seeing their mum fly out of control. Do you think I should raise this possible diagnosis with my GP? There’s no blood test for perimenopause is there? My cycles are still really regular

I’ve got an under active thyroid and I always know my medication is off when I start to get worse PMT.
however, my pmt symptoms did worsen in my early 40s and HRT has been incredible at improving them. (I had other symptoms too though flushes, sweats, brain fog).

I could have written your post a year ago. The dr prescribed me a low dose of citalopram to help me cope with my peri-menopausal rage. Totally fine now and only scroll through rightmove for nosiness rather than to look at what I could afford post-divorce!

How does DH cope being getting the brunt of your rage ,anger snd being out of control .
if it was the other way round they'd be calling him an abusive partner

OP, I had this. I would open my mouth and an absolute amount of vitriol would just spurt out of my mouth. I would apologise to my DH and explain it was menopause, but it kept happening.

I went on HRT and was a different woman within a week. Get it!