How would you contact this friend? Or would you not?

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

I've been friends with these two women since we were all 19, they have been friends with each other for much longer as they met in primary school. Two of us still live locally, the other in Essex as she works in London, but visits 'oop North' every three/four weeks, and meets us for drinks. Because of their shared history before we met I've always felt on the periphery a little, though one of them has reassured me there's nothing wrong.

One of these two, Yorkshire Lass, has been married, now divorced with two old enough to be independent kids, the other, Essex Girl, never married no children, and this one I've been on holiday with several times over the years - mini breaks and so on every year though not for a very long time now for a variety of reasons, but that isn't a problem, just illustrative.

Essex Girl has always been a bit moody as long as I've known her. She's very reserved, and quite insular, works in London but commutes two hours each way (maybe longer) and as a result her work is her life and her colleagues her social life - though they are all lunches and work events, possibly because of where everyone lives. Whereas the other two of us will talk about our lives and friends, she talks about work and her work colleagues, who we don't know, but that's her life and we listen.

Essex Girl and I have (she does it with Yorkshire Lass too) always had sort of regular WhatsApp and chat, always on Saturdays about Strictly (sort of back and forth about the dances) and usually a Saturday morning one, instigated by her, about the morning and what she's planned, and I will reply. This went on until two weekends ago. She was last here the weekend before Halloween and we went out for supper and a chat. Yorkshire Lass didn't come as she was away herself but Essex Girl and I chatted. She brought up, for some reason, my ex and asked why I bothered starting a relationship with him, and I said I didn't know, I was very young, and I wouldn't bother if I had my time again. It came out of the blue. She'd brought me up a 'token' Christmas present too, as she wouldn't be here again before Christmas.

As I said last text convo was two weeks ago, about Tony Adams leaving Strictly. I messaged her midweek to tell her something, and she didn't reply. I left it again until last Saturday, telling her I was in London and no answer. Messaged her Sunday last week again no answer. Blue ticks, so read. I haven't messaged her since, because it seems she doesn't want to talk to me, but I have no idea why.

I messaged Yorkshire Lass on Sunday last week to ask if she had heard from her as she wasn't answering me, said she'd spoken to her Saturday and she seemed fine. She also knows that this has happened before. I don't want to bombard someone who doesn't want to talk to me, but if she doesn't want to be friends with me, I have upset her inadvertently or she is annoyed by anything I've sent her (which I can't see she can be) I'd like to know.

She has done this before - a few years ago and I sent her a jokey message calling her out. She said she had done this because she had 'supported me through my problems' - my post at that time was dependent on funding and it was the 11th hour that funding was agreed. I was terrified of losing my house with no income, and was in a very bad place. She did 'support' in the sense of messages 'something will come up/don't worry/it'll be ok' but nothing practical. But apparently I hadn't bothered asking about her gran who had Alzheimer's and she took offence. I'm sorry but I had other priorities and it didn't cross my mind. She had been in a home for years then and nothing had changed for years.

We are very, very different people, and she doesn't like cats. I have six, and I'm 'not allowed' to mention them in front of her as she doesn't like them, to the extent of when one of them in the past has died, I've not been able to gain any support from her as a friend which I think I'd do, on the basis of friendship rather than liking cats! Again, this is just illustrative, not an issue to be resolved.

Sorry that's a bit long. I feel very stupid here and I don't know what to do without making things worse, and then Yorkshire Lass is in the middle, and if I decided sod it, it would be difficult as they've been friends for 37 years whereas I've been mates with them both a mere 23 years.

I'm really at a loss as to what to say. The usual Strictly messages haven't been forthcoming today so there is summat up, as we say in Yorkshire.

I need help constructing a message to her, and whether I copy Yorkshire Lass into anything.

Thanks for patience reading this far

Sorry to say but you do sound it's about me type of person.

I think she brought you up a gift token for Christmas.

You can't force her to talk to you either. Just leave her alone. But think you should ask about her rather than going on about yourself too.
Maybe this why she doesn't want to hear about your cats when she had been going through something with a relationship.

If you both can't be honest with each other then maybe cut contact with her.

something with a relative being ill

She doesn't sound like a particularly great friend if you're not allowed to mention anything as innocuous as your pets around her.

The other thing that jumps out at me is her commute. She must be bloody exhausted. Might be magnifying any minor annoyances on her part - and yours, stepping back from texting is going to be longer if she's working so much.

If you want to let the friendship go then do, but if not then just step back and leave her to it.

I always find these threads odd/frustrating.

We only ever get the edited highlights/lowlights of a meeting lasting some hours (supper/drinks) and only from the OP's perspective i.e. what they consider pertinent.

The thing is, if we offend someone unintentionally then we will frequently omit that element from the retelling as it is of little/no signficance to us.

Personally, if I wanted to maintain the friendship, I'd be calling her, asking if I'd upset/offended her and, if appropriate, sincerely apologising for the hurt / offence.

It could be something as simple as you not reciprocating the Christmas gift if you knew you wouldn't see her again before Christmas?

You need to understand your friends don't want to do cat talk. I'd be grateful for the Christmas present. Have you reciprocated?
What exactly holds the friendship together? Maybe it's just you. You can always make new friends.

You dismissed her gran having alzheimers by saying she was in a home for years. Doesn't make it any less important or less of a worry. Friendship is a two way thing. Your bad time doesn't trump her bad time. Maybe concentrate less on your pity party and think about what others are going through.

You also seem to dismiss her life because it revolves around work. Two of my best friends I met through work, 25 years later it's still going strong. I also commute a long way but I love my job so will talk about it. Colleagues can also get friends.

*colleagues can also be friends (not get)

You need to chill out tbh. My mates ignore my messages sometimes as do I - ever thought she's struggling? Dealing with something? Stressed? Can't be arsed?

You sound like you're very insecure about your friendships so panic when people don't do exactly what you want them to do. Personally I'm not friends with people like that. It's stressful.

She did 'support' in the sense of messages 'something will come up/don't worry/it'll be ok' but nothing practical. But apparently I hadn't bothered asking about her gran who had Alzheimer's and she took offence. I'm sorry but I had other priorities and it didn't cross my mind. She had been in a home for years then and nothing had changed for years

I'd think carefully how you come across. You may not realise it, but you sound shallow and lacking in empathy. You may think there's nothing wrong, but think for a moment, in between chattering on about Strictly, how your friend must have felt that you were so dismissive about her gran. That's a lot more offensive imo than you not being able to talk about your cats. The fact you've said it on here, but can't see what you've done wrong, shows you are out of touch with other people's lives, concerns and struggles.

What did your last message say? I’d be tempted to send something saying you hope everything is ok, sad not to have heard from get for a few weeks. If you’ve done something that offends to please get in touch because it was unintentional and that you hope she’s well.

But apparently I hadn't bothered asking about her gran who had Alzheimer's and she took offence. I'm sorry but I had other priorities and it didn't cross my mind. She had been in a home for years then and nothing had changed for years

The line that stands out in that is I'm sorry but I had other priorities and it didn't cross my mind.

Awful. You sound very selfish and self absorbed. I'm not surprised she doesn't want to be in touch.

I would send her some flowers and apologise for being such poor support when her gran had Alzheimer’s. An extremely cruel disease.

Secure friends don't worry about unreturned phone calls and texts. They understand that people are busy and are living their own life and don't take offence or sulk when this happens. Text her this week as if nothing has happened and like everything is all fine, there's probably no need for the drama here.

You do seem very dismissive of her life and place a higher value on your own issues.

To me, as she is not communicating with you at all but is with the other friend, it seems clear that you have pissed her off.

And probably not because you didn't get her. Christmas present in November or because you went out with some bloke thirty years ago.

I'd ring her.

I agree. You say she didnt comfort you about the loss of your cat but when she mentioned being upset about her gran having alzheimers you basically ignored it. Thats incredibly callous and bloody cheeky to then expect her to be comforting you about your cat. Do you not see how poorly this comes across?

Youve presented us with a very curated, one sided recap of what happened but it’s fairly obvious reading between the lines why your friend is upset. You expect her to listen to you blathering on about your 6 cats and yet when her gran is ill you forget because it’s “not a priority”. I’d have dumped you too if you were my “friend”.

Maybe she's just out grown you. She works in London and has a career and you saying her conversations about her work and colleagues aren't interesting to you and she isn't interested in your conversation about your six cats so you have resorted to talking about a TV programme. Maybe she didn't watch it so she had nothing to say.

I don't go on and on relentlessly about cats. It was illustrative. I'm talking about being unable to gain support in a situation where I suffered loss.

I've not reciprocated with Christmas presents because it's still November. I don't do anything Christmas related until December and she knows that.

I'm not psychic.

She would have watched it. She's obsessed with it. There could have been an earthquake and she'd be watching it.

I don't go on and on relentlessly about cats. It was illustrative. I'm talking about being unable to gain support in a situation where I suffered loss

Do you not understand what a huge loss it is when a relative gets alzheimers?- you lose the person before they die, its horribly cruel and its like a living death. The person's body is there but their mind is not. You grieve their loss before they have actually gone. But thats not a priority for you is it? as you said.

What practical help could she have given you with regards to the funding? And what do you mean by a "token" gift? Something smaller than usual?
I don't think you should involve your other friend.

No this is not true. Why do you think I was "blathering" on about my cats? I think I only had 4 at that time, is that less "crazy cat lady '?

Her grandma was not ill. She'd been in a home with dementia for years at that stage and lived for another three years. She was unresponsive to anything. Every time we all met, grandma was the first thing we asked about. On this occasion I was as worried sick about losing my house and how I'd cope with no income at that time. I was immensely distressed and not in a good place.

I'm glad you'd have dumped me as a friend if that's your attitude.

I didn't expect anything practical, what I meant was she messaged me with platitudes rather than suggestions and then said she'd been supportive. I'm using that as an illustration of her going off grid before rather than wanting to analyze it.

She said it was a token gift. No idea what it is as I've not opened it yet. That's not really an issue though. We do that anyway, always get something simple.

I'm simply looking for ideas how to approach this problem and what to say.

@Moonlitwalk The incident you refer to happened almost six years ago.

See? Even now you cannot see how selfish you are being. Unbelievable.

Also- I’m not the one whining online that my friends don’t want to contact me any more 🤷‍♀️