Red Flags?

[happytimesahead22]

Hi,

Posting here as I don’t have anyone else really to talk to or help at the moment.
I’m heavily pregnant and have slowly been suffering more and more aches which has started to turn into PGP. I can barely walk today and just have to do a weird shuffle, dragging my leg.

I have a toddler DS who’s very attached to me so always wants me on the floor playing with him. DH works every other weekend which involves 3 late nights in a row and then more nights in the week so still lots of lifting/carrying of DS which isn’t helping but I have no other option.

Today DH was meant to be going out with his friends - it wasn’t declared until this morning that it is apparently some sort of stag do for him (we got married in January and he didn’t have one) and at the thought that he might not be able to go out (because I have been in agony today trying to walk and wondering how I’m going to look after DS all day) he literally started pacing the house like something possessed. He was muttering that he NEEDED to go out and do something for him, bouncing on the spot telling me it will be the worst thing I can do if I say I’d rather he stay home to help as he will resent me so much and it will make him feel he can’t have a life.
He then went into the bathroom next to DS who was playing upstairs and did such a loud, angry bellow of annoyance which in turn, scared him and made him cry so I had to hurt myself more rushing to comfort him.

He went out anyway, has been for hours now and hasn’t even bothered to send me a message just to check in and see if I’m okay. I’m not someone who wants full on contact when someone is out but in the circumstances…

Is this a ‘normal’ response or do I just have where I think his priorities should be mixed up because I’m feeling sorry for myself and hormonal? Was I wrong to expect a bit more support when I can barely walk never mind anything else? Could this just be a one off or is this a red flag for the future, especially the angriness? Sorry - so many questions.

He’s now wandering round having a great time dressed as an Oompa Lumpa so I’ve seen in a photo fleetingly on social media whilst I just feel like a failure of a mummy and not able to give DS my best.

No doubt he will be extremely hungover tomorrow, I would take myself to family or a friends house without DS and let him deal with DS whilst you chill and relax.

sorry you had to be impacted upon by someone who couldn’t control their behaviour

@happytimesahead22 They can control their behaviour, they just choose not to in the home/around their wives and children. Most of them aren't acting like this at work or towards their friends.

@doitwithlove I’ll definitely be letting DS run into our bedroom first thing in the morning and jumping all over the bed!

He said before he left (probably just ways to make him feel better) we could have a family day out tomorrow and he’d drive. Clearly he won’t be in any state to and I don’t even want to speak to him right now

Your story was my story 14 years ago. It's amazing that since he left (OW) and I divorced him I've not had any incidences of depression. I went on to have a third dc and was not with the father of that baby and you know what? Despite being on crutches with PGP/SPD, despite having almost sole care of 3 children and doing everything on my own with dc3 I was a hell of a lot happier and I coped better. There was no one to let me down and no one to make me feel like shit or accuse me of being controlling because I needed him home because I couldn't walk and couldnt lift toddler Dd etc. in my experience his behaviour will only get worse and he is likely to be one more abusive. This is what this is: abuse. I'm so sorry you're going through this but I want you to know that it can work out ok going it alone and you will probably feel so much better not having him bringing you down.

@AutisticLegoLover Thank you for sharing your story. I’m really pleased you managed to get out of that situation and are much happier now for it.
I’ve repeatedly asked him to come home as I couldn’t wait for ‘later’ or him not to be home too late but he’s just ignored me and then just sent a message saying ‘us two’ are his world.
Clearly pratting about in fancy dress, drawing attention to himself is more important than us.

he’s just ignored me and then just sent a message saying ‘us two’ are his world.

'Then why have you fucked off out when I'm ill and need help with DS, then?'

@OldFan Great response - and I can well imagine he will be in a ridiculous state if it’s some stupid belated stag do

A red flag isn't their behaviour, it's your feeling in response, and their reaction to your response.

So if you feel shit whenever your partner eats a yoghurt and you tell them so, and they stop eating yoghurts in your presence, great. But if you tell them and they tell you that your feelings are weird, that you're a controlling freak, and that you need to fuck off, then that's a bunch of red flags. Not caring about your feelings it the problem.

Thanks @Watchkeys - that was a good way of putting things.
He still isn’t home - thankfully I can now rest myself in bed but doesn’t help when he comes in stinking of alcohol and disturbing us

@Watchkeys There are also some things that are pretty much universally agreed to be not ok in a relationship. I don't know about the yogurt example, but a man is supposed to help his pregnant wife when she's struggling.

@happytimesahead22 It's a red flag that he might behave badly again in future. But it's not just a red flag- it's unacceptable behaviour in and of itself already.

Thanks @OldFan - you’ve been really helpful today.

On a side note of being an idiot - I’ve just found out there’s a social media account he’s part of that’s related to his work. Basically one of them is running the account and posting photos/videos of them at work and in highly unprofessional ways/situations. He’s in photos, has taken a couple of photos for the account and has liked photos, as well as had his personal account tagged in the photos.
He works in a very serious job and anything like this could potentially be a sackable offence. Anyone who knows but doesn’t report it is also considered just as bad.
Just when I thought he couldn’t get anymore idiotic today….

Reading your post, op, has made me feel so angry for you. He’s a complete waste of space and a selfish shit. He’s let you down massively. If he doesn’t turn his behaviour around, I would kick him out. He’s awful.

Thank you for your message @IsThePopeCatholic
I stopped messaging him hours and hours ago so god knows what state he is in now - haven’t heard anything from him

^He’s in photos, has taken a couple of photos for the account and has liked photos, as well as had his personal account tagged in the photos.
He works in a very serious job and anything like this could potentially be a sackable offence. Anyone who knows but doesn’t report it is also considered just as bad.^

He sounds really immature OP. I'd call it a midlife crisis (if he hasn't always had these tendencies) but I'm not sorry for him. He wants to escape from the adult world and the responsibility of being a respectable man and husband.

As such, you can't rely on him. You don't know what he's going to do next. Men in this frame of mind have affairs because they think they deserve the down time (when half the time they aren't doing much anyway.)

@OldFan I would be inclined to agree with the maturity.
Part of my PND was him doing things like leaving clothes all over the floor like a teenager.
After we had counselling, I thought things were getting better but things are starting to show through again now.
He told me yesterday he’d wanted to watch the football match but chose to go out with me instead so basically implying I should be grateful and feel special for that.
He will lie in bed until he knows DS is awake rather than get himself up and ready for the day/utilise the time to get on top of things, then complains he’s late for work (on his later start shifts).
We had lots of household cleaning to get back on top of a few weeks ago, with me being so tired and achy, it had slipped. DS was down for a nap so I thought perfect time. He had a strop because he wanted to watch the football instead and laid, reclined on the sofa, whilst I was the sweaty, panting mess cleaning the downstairs.
I just feel last priority - he flew out for an alcohol fuelled city break with his friends when I was heavily pregnant the last time.
I look like such a doormat now recounting this!

@OldFan

Yes, that's because they pretty much universally make the recipient feel bad, so my logic still stands.

Oh he’s just got in, I feel sick

He's a total arsehole

Soda for him

Sofa 🤦🏼‍♀️

He hasn’t even attempted to come upstairs although I’ve had a social media notification of him sending me a photo. Haven’t opened it and don’t intend to

Went downstairs to make sure he hadn’t tried to cook anything and left it on. Found him asleep on the sofa with his coat still on and the main light on.
About as mature as he’s been but got his phone and set alarms on it every 10 mins or so from about half an hour’s time to 7am, then hidden his phone. Made me feel better anyway - will sleep now knowing I’ve got the bed to myself.

😂😂😂

Update - He stayed downstairs all night, apparently to give me space - I told him that was obviously as he knew he’d done wrong, but refused to acknowledge me at first, pulling the throw over his head when I turned the light on.

I tried to explain how he’d made me feel which he refuted and stuck to his line of, he prioritises us most of the time so he was doing something for him and he felt like me struggling to walk was done on purpose just to stop him going out. He then asked had I just come downstairs to cry and pulled the throw over him again rather than making any effort to comfort me whilst I’m stood there balling my eyes out like a ridiculous thing.

I told him I could understand if he needed to go to work but just to choose something like alcohol and dressing like an idiot was not okay and us being important most of the time, doesn’t then mean he’s entitled to just pick other times he doesn’t as a ‘reward’. He tried to be funny and went ‘oh but I looked good though didn’t I’.

As part of his promises going out he said he’d keep himself right for driving today for a family day at least but needless to say he’s in no position to drive. Driving is one of my struggles right now (as well as lifting/taking a DS places without help - this is no fun!) so looks like another weekend stuck in the house, just wasting my only 2 days off and he’s at work next weekend.
His friend who lives a couple of houses down from us came home hours before him yesterday so he could’ve compromised and came home earlier if he’d wanted to.

He’s now started crawling round me - trying to cuddle me like a lost puppy, saying how bad he feels and how sad he is at himself for making me feel so bad, then asking me not to leave him. I just feel completely blank and like I want to cry again. Hope this feeling goes away soon!

I'm so bad at posting then forgetting other bits!
Told me other times he meets his friends for coffees etc at their houses doesn’t count as seeing them, with it being in the week and him having DS with him, he’s being a parent instead.

It's true that having a small child with you means that you're not free to socialise in the same way: you're keeping an eye on the child, you can't talk openly about some subjects, etc, so I sympathise with him there.

There's nothing wrong in him wanting nights out with his mates - but when you're really struggling physically with the pregnancy is not the time and stropping off like that was not OK.

And if he gets to have nights out with his mates, you should get the same opportunities (obviously you're not going to want to go out raging at the moment, but you should have equal chances at childfree time).