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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Red Flags?

55 replies

happytimesahead22 · 26/11/2022 15:52

Hi,

Posting here as I don’t have anyone else really to talk to or help at the moment.
I’m heavily pregnant and have slowly been suffering more and more aches which has started to turn into PGP. I can barely walk today and just have to do a weird shuffle, dragging my leg.

I have a toddler DS who’s very attached to me so always wants me on the floor playing with him. DH works every other weekend which involves 3 late nights in a row and then more nights in the week so still lots of lifting/carrying of DS which isn’t helping but I have no other option.

Today DH was meant to be going out with his friends - it wasn’t declared until this morning that it is apparently some sort of stag do for him (we got married in January and he didn’t have one) and at the thought that he might not be able to go out (because I have been in agony today trying to walk and wondering how I’m going to look after DS all day) he literally started pacing the house like something possessed. He was muttering that he NEEDED to go out and do something for him, bouncing on the spot telling me it will be the worst thing I can do if I say I’d rather he stay home to help as he will resent me so much and it will make him feel he can’t have a life.
He then went into the bathroom next to DS who was playing upstairs and did such a loud, angry bellow of annoyance which in turn, scared him and made him cry so I had to hurt myself more rushing to comfort him.

He went out anyway, has been for hours now and hasn’t even bothered to send me a message just to check in and see if I’m okay. I’m not someone who wants full on contact when someone is out but in the circumstances…

Is this a ‘normal’ response or do I just have where I think his priorities should be mixed up because I’m feeling sorry for myself and hormonal? Was I wrong to expect a bit more support when I can barely walk never mind anything else? Could this just be a one off or is this a red flag for the future, especially the angriness? Sorry - so many questions.

He’s now wandering round having a great time dressed as an Oompa Lumpa so I’ve seen in a photo fleetingly on social media whilst I just feel like a failure of a mummy and not able to give DS my best.

OP posts:
RandomMusings7 · 26/11/2022 15:54

He sounds like a toddler.

An overgrown abusive toddler.

Original poster
happytimesahead22 · 26/11/2022 16:02

None of his friends have children aside from one who had a baby recently so none of them understand or are at the same life stage - it seems like he doesn’t see that your life changes forever when you have a baby and more so one on the way but it’s easy for him as I’m here as the guaranteed childcare for our DS

OP posts:
Original poster
happytimesahead22 · 26/11/2022 16:35

Just sitting here stewing so please forgive me talking out loud to no one in particular.

I had bad PND after our DS was born - variety of reasons but mainly him not thinking about me or making any effort E.g. he told me he had no money left to buy me a first Mother’s Day card but donated to a fundraiser for a friend instead - a lot more to it but that’s another story. I’m so scared it will happen again this time.

We had lots of counselling and I really thought things had changed, hence a second baby but no, I’m just sitting here crying for the 100th time today and he’s still not even checked in.

OP posts:
Rosie22xx · 26/11/2022 16:46

He sounds like a shit dad and a shit husband tbh. What selfish behaviour. His wife carrying his child should be his upmost priority and it should be an easy decision for him to cancel the night out himself. He wants to do something for him, but has he thought about doing something for you at all, doubt.

Original poster
happytimesahead22 · 26/11/2022 17:01

I haven’t had any time to do anything for myself really - fleetingly since DS was born and nothing this pregnancy. I take that as a sacrifice for being a mummy, it isn’t about me anymore.

I suggested to DH recently that it would be nice to have some sort of ‘date’ meal out, just us two as we haven’t in forever and soon baby will be here.

He told me he’d sorted it which translated to - he needed to get his phone fixed so booked it in at a huge shopping centre, trailing me around that whilst he bought himself new clothes for going out tomorrow (has said we can’t go out as he doesn’t have any clothes that fit him now, but has never bothered to go and buy any) and, we can just get some quick food whilst we’re here - no effort. I declined that offer and calmly told him it wasn’t what I really had in mind and he had a massive strop and refused to drive the car for about 20 minutes which didn’t help my uncomfortableness! So yes, not been the best couple of days, feels like all I’ve done is cry.

I’ve had to tell him that he hasn’t even bothered to ask how I am before he finally has and I’ve also asked him to compromise and come home (his brother is bringing him so he’s on standby whenever and he’s been out hours already) as I’m in agony and need some help. The response was that he gives me support every day and he won’t be too late home, he’ll come by 10.30.

I think it must just be me on another planet at this rate…

OP posts:
ZiggZagg · 26/11/2022 17:53

Oh love, really feel for you, it's so hard when you're ill and just expected to get on with it. Can you take DS to bed and throw a Christmas movie on so you can get snug in bed? Take snacks if need be?

I would be seriously thinking whether this is the life you want. What does he add to the family, if you can't even rely on his support when you're sick?

Hoping you feel better soon Sad

Rosie22xx · 26/11/2022 17:59

I understand your stance on your sacrifice for being a mummy and it's not about you. But I strongly believe mum and dad should be making the same sacrifices, you're in this as a team. You are both the parents. And never forget you're always and forever going to be your own person, don't leave yourself behind whilst life is fastly moving ahead. You have a life for yourself too, please don't forget that. Even if it's once a month or whatever you can do, have a day without the kids, have a pamper day, have a girls day out. Its important to look after yourself and nice for your kids to see mummy is her own person too. And agree is this the life you want? How long has this been going on for? Is this just a recent thing that can change? Does he add value to your life? Etc. Hope everything works out for you and he comes to his senses!

category12 · 26/11/2022 18:03

Sorry.

He's an arsehole.

AllOfThemWitches · 26/11/2022 18:08

This isn't going to work, you should be his priority at the moment and you're not. Honestly, you should tell him you need to separate.

Original poster
happytimesahead22 · 26/11/2022 18:11

Thank you both - your kindness is appreciated right now.
Because I’m not giving him anything other than asking him to please come home and help out for bedtime as he’s had time to be out, he’s just decided to ignore me now instead. Genuinely debating telling his brother to just take him to his dad’s house and not to come back here tonight.

I have to ask him for everything in terms of life at the moment when I feel I need it most. There’s nothing to make me feel special - no real compliments or much affection - can go out at the drop of a hat with his friends but takes forever to show any interest in going out with me.

He thinks because he does some cooking and picks things up/does some washing that I can’t that means he’s doing everything and deserves to be able to go out.

@category12 He really seems it today!

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 26/11/2022 18:11

Open your eyes Op. He behaved like a stroppy child when you said you couldn't manage without him today, literally shouting and huffing like a child denied a treat. Yes, Dm's make sacrificies for their DC, but not for other adults. Just because you are a woman doesn't mean you do everything but he gets to go out and play.
Read the writing on the wall - he thinks the DC are your concern but his life goes on unchanged.

MouseRoar · 26/11/2022 18:12

If you left him, you would have all the same problems, but none of the resentment. Might be easier that way? Obviously his behaviour is shit, the prick. You might be better off without his so called support

Original poster
happytimesahead22 · 26/11/2022 18:15

I think the fact he’d prefer to be going around dressed as an Umpa Lumpa for a ‘stag do’ when we’ve nearly been married a year sums it up doesn’t it.
He said he doesn’t get to see his friends much and can’t have a life because when he does do other things with his friends, he has to take DS with him as it’s in the week and I’m at work (a wonderful little boy who’s speech and behaviour is impeccable for his age might I add, so taking him anywhere is no chore).
In the strop he took it down the line of I’m purposely trying to stop him going and if I don’t allow it, he will resent me forever as he’ll think that.

DS has kept cuddling me and asking if I’m happy now, at least I have one caring male around me!

OP posts:
Original poster
happytimesahead22 · 26/11/2022 18:18

Funny what hindsight and clarity does for you - reading back my own comment about his strop, it sounds like something I might have said at age 12/13.
We’re 30 next year..

OP posts:
Oopsiedaisyy · 26/11/2022 18:43

Is DS his?

Original poster
happytimesahead22 · 26/11/2022 18:47

@Oopsiedaisyy Yes - DS is his.
I feel like the worst parent ever as I haven’t been able to do anything with him

OP posts:
WorldCuppa · 26/11/2022 18:50

Why did he need new clothes if he was going in fancy dress?

Original poster
happytimesahead22 · 26/11/2022 18:53

@WorldCuppa I don’t know if he knew - he didn’t have any fancy dress here. The first I see or know of it is the photo that was only briefly on social media

OP posts:
Original poster
happytimesahead22 · 26/11/2022 18:54

But he said none of his jeans fit as he’s put on weight so he needed to buy new pairs for going out*

OP posts:
OldFan · 26/11/2022 18:56

@happytimesahead22 He's awful. You weren't saying he could never go out for eternity, just that at the moment you understandably need help.

He sounds very selfish and like he only thinks of himself.

Original poster
happytimesahead22 · 26/11/2022 19:03

@OldFan He said it was the last time he’ll be able to go out until after our baby is born.
Last night he said he wouldn’t go because he ‘doesn’t have a backbone’, then this morning was comforting me as I was crying and saying he’d take me out for a meal next week.

As I didn’t immediately respond with utter grandeur, minutes later he started the strop and stamping about and how his ‘head has gone’.

OP posts:
PopcornAndPeanutsAndChocolateAndTea · 26/11/2022 19:05

So basically you've got two children and are having a third?

Seriously you need to leave him and raise your little one's in a bellow free, stress free, sulk free, stomp free etc house

He sounds a complete fucking bellend to be honest, and you deserve more

OldFan · 26/11/2022 19:06

As I didn’t immediately respond with utter grandeur, minutes later he started the strop and stamping about and how his ‘head has gone’.

He wants everything to revolve around him. And the stroppiness I couldn't tolerate- too much like my dad. It's also not good for children to live with a man with strops like that- I've been left with severe mental health problems partly because of it.

Original poster
happytimesahead22 · 26/11/2022 19:26

@PopcornAndPeanutsAndChocolateAndTea We’ve got 1 DS who’s 2 and one on the way.
Thank you for your reply though, I’ve cried on and off all day and never felt so non important.

@OldFan Thank you for sharing that and sorry you had to be impacted upon by someone who couldn’t control their behaviour. He acts as though standard things you should be doing to run a house / have children are him going above and beyond so he should be rewarded with this

OP posts:
OldFan · 26/11/2022 19:29

He wants a medal. 😂 Or thinks he's a martyr or something.