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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexless marriage

69 replies

Starryeyed543 · 26/11/2022 11:03

First time posting so be gentle please. I'm interested to see other people's opinions on this. Me and my dh have been together for almost 10 years married for 3. Sex started out great but reduced significantly as time went on down to once a month. This was his choice not mine. Whenever I tried to instigate sex or dress up etc he couldn't perform so I stopped cause let's face it there's only so many times you can be kicked in the face and go back for more. I've never thought of myself as unattractive up until this. Anyway I dealt with the once a month then we decided to try for a baby start of last year he was all in happy for it mainly his idea and then we didn't have sex for 5 months. I spoke to him about it at the time asking if it was something I was doing wrong, was there someone else or something else he was into and just to talk to me so we could sort it out and deal with it if it was someone/something else he was interested in. He assured me there wasn't he just has a low libido. I suggested we went to see someone about it therapist or doctor he chewed my face off and told me a relationship isn't all about sex and there was something wrong with me if it was so important. At this point I would like to point out its not just the sex thing he doesn't cuddle me, hold my hand etc gives me a kiss when he's going to work or coming home but if we spend the whole day together then there is nothing.

I was lucky to get pregnant in June last year(his birthday) But unfortunately miscarried in August. I then got pregnant in November last year(my birthday) and had my baby in August. This was the last time we had sex. He didn't want to touch me when I was pregnant and now struggling with pp body he won't come near me. Our baby has been for 2 overnight stays and still nothing. Yesterday we dropped her off at lunchtime went for something to eat he then complained about eating too much he felt sick. Then he napped for 2 hours then ate more food complained about feeling sick again (the equivalent of a headache for him?) Then sleeping for 10pm. Whilst we were watching TV he didn't sit next to me. This morning he woke about 930 asked when we had to leave told him about 1145 he went straight back to sleep. I eventually got fed up and went in the shower about 1015 and surprise when I came out of the shower he was wide awake. It was as if he was pretending to be asleep so I didn't expect anything.

It actually makes me feel so shit and disgusting and I know if I bring it up it makes it worse. I just wonder if I am the unreasonable one in this situation or am I trying for a relationship that has no future?

OP posts:
RandomMusings7 · 26/11/2022 11:05

It's a pity you had a baby with him. It's going to make the inevitable divorce much harder than it needed to be. This is not something you will fix.

tastyCereal · 26/11/2022 14:58

I know exactly how you feel. I've tried for 10+ years to fix this but there's no fixing it. You should get out as soon as you can.

The pattern:
Rejection
You feel utterly unwanted and rubbish
The talk
Things feel better for a bit
Back to rejection and repeat

The talk is always a surprise. "I had no idea you felt so awful". No amount of talking will fix it. You could try therapy but good luck getting him to agree to it because he doesn't recognise that there's a problem.

I have no idea how a person can't see their partner dying inside, but it's all too common on this board and if you don't do something you get out of it soon, you'll end up feeling like it's too late and resenting your partner for wasting your life on a dead marriage.

I apologise that this is not the most uplifting of replies, but I'd hate the thought of someone else ending up feeling like the husk of a being that I've become.

Sunnytwobridges · 26/11/2022 15:34

I have a really good friend that had similar behaviors with his then GF. (We talk about everything which is weird I know) and he would find every excuse not to have sex, including the eating too much, pretending to be asleep, he would cause an argument, or make up some type of excuse. He told me it was because he just wasn’t into her anymore and avoided sec as much as possible. So sadly it could be a sign of that.

Luckydip1 · 26/11/2022 15:35

This is so sad because the answer is to get divorced.

WhineWhineWINE · 26/11/2022 16:02

I could have written this post word for word. Except mine is 15 years further down the line and we now sleep in separate rooms. This won't get better. You need to decide whether you can live with it or leave. I'm sorry that's not very encouraging, but whatever the reasons are for him being this way it's not going to change. Years and years of rejection and neglect and wondering if it's somehow your fault will eat away at you. It's not your fault. Sending you a hug Flowers

Peridot1 · 26/11/2022 16:06

Leave. I’m way further down the line and wish I’d left years ago. It won’t get better.

MakkaPakkasPO · 26/11/2022 16:11

I could have written your post OP, it’s a horrible place to be and I’m sending you a virtual hug. I don’t have any advice for you I’m afraid. For me personally, my marriage with DH is over (unofficially).
Not sure how or if separation/divorce will work as the kids are so small still.
I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

HotChicolate · 26/11/2022 16:16

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I think one more talk telling him you want a full marriage and howimportant a normal healthy sex life is to you and then decide on a time scale in your head and if no change (which there won’t be) then divorce him.

KimMG · 26/11/2022 16:23

Similar position here, with the genders reversed, i.e. wife isn't interested in any sex - hasn't been for over a year now.
To anyone outside the marriage, we appear the 'perfect couple' - we work well together, enjoy some similar things.
I considered splitting, but on balance we have a great life apart from no sex - very frustrating for me, while she is perfectly happy with no sex.
We're mortgage free, and have a buy to let, our income / fiances are good.
In view of all this, I've decided ( for the moment) not to leave. ( although I do keep looking on the 'net to see the type of house I could get for myself ! )
We're both 62, - I keep wondering how much longer I'll have a sex drive / is it worth 'rocking the boat'.
I'm sorry all that probably offers little help, but just thought you may want to see it from another perspective.
I hope you can sort things out for yoursef.

Faz469 · 26/11/2022 16:26

I had this with an ex I nearly married. For years we had sex once every 6 months and I had to cause an argument to get it. In the end it turned out he was in sex chat rooms with other men (no competing with that) so I left. He begged me for 3 weeks to come back then he started dating the woman he's now married to.

I'm no engaged to a wonderful man who makes me feel loved and desired in any way possible and we have a baby pending.

It may not be exactly the same circumstances for you but you need to decide if staying is worth it. I know its difficult after so long but I'm sure there's someone out there who wants you for who you are. Good luck x

Luckydip1 · 26/11/2022 16:28

Normally the genders are reversed but same problem, best for you to move on.

crispsandnuts · 26/11/2022 16:31

I have also been there and sadly it doesn't get better. I'm now divorced and the happiest I have ever been but took a lot of time to get my confidence back and the feeling that I might actually be attractive to someone.

I remember the excuses, its gas lighting too, making it feel it's your fault, I was made to feel like a sex pest. It's demoralising and cruel, emotional abuse even. This will chip away at your self-esteem, please don't let it, you deserve better.

MovingonfromMartin · 26/11/2022 17:10

I am also in a sexless marriage. As the years have gone along there is now no affection. no handholding, no cuddles, no love and now no respect. I nearly packed my bags today. Reading @Faz469 saying that she is now engaged to a man that makes her feel loved and desired in every way possible has just strengthened my resolve to get me some of that and to get out. I am sorry @Starryeyed543 that you are in this situation when you are so young and I hope you find a way through it. Don't do what I've done and bury your head in the sand for 10 years.

Original poster
Starryeyed543 · 26/11/2022 17:54

Thank you everyone for your perspectives its good to get opinions from other people I just think in my early 30s is a bit young to have no affection but at the same time I want what's best for my child as well

OP posts:
WhineWhineWINE · 26/11/2022 18:34

A happy mother is what is best for your child.

WhineWhineWINE · 26/11/2022 18:36

I wish I'd left when mine were young. They wouldn't have known any different and maybe they'd have grown up with a much better idea of what a happy marriage should look like. I worry that I may have robbed them of that.

HelloGooodBye · 26/11/2022 18:38

Well what can you do?

  1. accept it
  2. separate
  3. open relationship
  4. cheat
Namora · 26/11/2022 18:38

Someone on MN years ago advised me to leave in similar circumstances. Now we have 2 DC, haven't had sex in almost 4 years, my confidence is in the ground, and I wish I'd left while I was still relatively young and attractive.

HelloGooodBye · 26/11/2022 18:40

Well, life is shit. You can't have everything unfortunately.
Find a way around the sex issue and keep the family together.
Separate and date hopefully you'll meet someone but no guarantees.

BatBoo · 26/11/2022 21:45

I am in exactly the same situation. Mid 30s. Loveless, sexless, affectionless. I am dying inside. I have begged and cried and he can't give me an explanation. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Whiskyvodka · 26/11/2022 21:53

This is the one instance where I would condone cheating because quite honestly the person you’ve married has lied to get you and once you’ve been snared (baby) the dp has denied sex.
It’s a really nasty and controlling thing to do imo.

But for your own mh I would leave.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 26/11/2022 21:54

What a soulless soul he is. You sound so normal & grounded. Do yourself a favour and break free from this pathetic lifeless soul of a man. He has no desire for you I'm afraid and I wish you all the happiness with your new bundle of joy .

Surreality22 · 26/11/2022 22:03

I had this with my husband, he left this week.

The bizarre thing is he used to tell me (and also told a therapist) that he wanted sex too. But rejected me nearly every time. Would deny he was asexual. But there was always an excuse or issue and on the rare occasion it happened he'd lie there with hus eyes closed or glancing off to the side. It wasn't fun.

No idea if I'll ever so it again but at least I'm free of that rejection now and it feels good!

Kenny69 · 26/11/2022 22:06

same here, but genders reversed, DW has no interest in sex any more, has been gone downhill for years, maybe twice this year, only in our early 50’s,

Good life from the outside, no mortgage, no debts, no sex, no affection, nothing, I really resent her now.

I should have left her years ago, it’s really crap.

leave before it’s too late and you are stuck

crispsandnuts · 27/11/2022 08:33

When I was in that situation, I thought I could cope and that I could focus on my DC, friends and work etc, I was in denial as I didn't want to split my family up. I also agree it's a form of control. My exDH pretended he was 'depressed' but he had another life/woman on the side so by withholding the affection he thought I was leave him - to save the guilt of him doing it.

The lack of emotional connection was even worse than the physical - in a relationship you need both. Without either of these you eventually become resentful, self-esteem damaged for a long time. Your life can and will be better but only if you make the steps - you will not look back. Your DC will see a happy parent and eventually see how a loving relationship should be if/when you meet someone else.