Sexless marriage

[Starryeyed543]

First time posting so be gentle please. I'm interested to see other people's opinions on this. Me and my dh have been together for almost 10 years married for 3. Sex started out great but reduced significantly as time went on down to once a month. This was his choice not mine. Whenever I tried to instigate sex or dress up etc he couldn't perform so I stopped cause let's face it there's only so many times you can be kicked in the face and go back for more. I've never thought of myself as unattractive up until this. Anyway I dealt with the once a month then we decided to try for a baby start of last year he was all in happy for it mainly his idea and then we didn't have sex for 5 months. I spoke to him about it at the time asking if it was something I was doing wrong, was there someone else or something else he was into and just to talk to me so we could sort it out and deal with it if it was someone/something else he was interested in. He assured me there wasn't he just has a low libido. I suggested we went to see someone about it therapist or doctor he chewed my face off and told me a relationship isn't all about sex and there was something wrong with me if it was so important. At this point I would like to point out its not just the sex thing he doesn't cuddle me, hold my hand etc gives me a kiss when he's going to work or coming home but if we spend the whole day together then there is nothing.

I was lucky to get pregnant in June last year(his birthday) But unfortunately miscarried in August. I then got pregnant in November last year(my birthday) and had my baby in August. This was the last time we had sex. He didn't want to touch me when I was pregnant and now struggling with pp body he won't come near me. Our baby has been for 2 overnight stays and still nothing. Yesterday we dropped her off at lunchtime went for something to eat he then complained about eating too much he felt sick. Then he napped for 2 hours then ate more food complained about feeling sick again (the equivalent of a headache for him?) Then sleeping for 10pm. Whilst we were watching TV he didn't sit next to me. This morning he woke about 930 asked when we had to leave told him about 1145 he went straight back to sleep. I eventually got fed up and went in the shower about 1015 and surprise when I came out of the shower he was wide awake. It was as if he was pretending to be asleep so I didn't expect anything.

It actually makes me feel so shit and disgusting and I know if I bring it up it makes it worse. I just wonder if I am the unreasonable one in this situation or am I trying for a relationship that has no future?

You crack on girl. You deserve better. Always here with a good ear if you need it.

Leave!

Seriously.

I was there. It was years of feeling unloved and ugly. I tried everything. Now 20 years later I'm with a man who loves me. Fancies me. Holds me every day. Do NOT waste any more time on a sexless, affectionless life. It's a tragedy and a terrible blueprint for your child.

In my first relationship (mid 40s🤣)I was smitten,he reeled me in, was up.for intimacy but that soon petered out. I felt like there was something wrong with me. Felt like a sex pest. We just were not thsat compatible, my generosity financially is what kept him.with me. I didn't realise-you live and learn. I was up front in my next relationship. Met someone who thought I was gorgeous,was up for intimacy as much ad me. We both felt deprived in our previous relationship. You have to have a really good think here
I won't accept a relationship without good sex.

This isnt merely about sex, its about the alienation of affection and intimacy aswell- the neglect of which are the death of most relationships. Without sex, intimacy and closeness/affection you are basically house mates and thats it. If he was willing to compromise and meet you halfway I'd suggest counselling but this all sounds like one huge gaslighting exercise and borderline abusive. Regarding the sex- I have a very high sex drive and would struggle if my husband never wanted sex but I'd also expect some compromise on his part too. If he couldnt do that and i was ALSO getting no affection or love then I'd be out of there.

Been married for 11 years. Not had sex for at least a year (and then at least a year again before that). I've now forgotten what I enjoyed about it, or about DH. Our life is transactional - who's going home from work for the (2) children, who's cooking dinner, who's out tonight, etc. He never organises any social events. Anything I organise he doesn't like. I feel no attraction for him any longer. I have tried date nights. We don't even come close to a kiss, never mind more than that. We are stuck in a rut of whether we should move house, and where. But the truth is, I cannot see where my future with him lies. Now I have read this post, it sounds like divorce is more likely than repair. Eek. I never thought it would come to that. But TBH, have been burying my head in the sand for a long time...

This unfortunately, is the truth. Cos kids are involved, it makes it a lot harder to take the decision one round want to take.
find a way round it: whatever this is.

@HelloGooodBye
@Mercyovermerit

I am very interested in what you two have both said about sticking it out, because this is my inclination. I have 3 small kids (all under 6) and leaving right now to suit myself just doesn’t feel like the right thing to do.
But when is the right time? Never? When they are 5/10/15 years older?
What is the example I’ll be showing them of what a good marriage looks like? What if I can’t hide my misery for that long? What effect will a miserable mum have on the kids?

With so many men, especially those who have no explanation / say they still want sex etc it’s down to porn addiction sadly. They become too conditioned to reacting to porn - it’s nothing to do with how attractive you are - it’s entirely separate thing. They choose it for their lives but that doesn’t have to be yours too. After nearly 40 years of rejection I only realised the full extent in the last couple of years. In many ways I’m glad I hadn’t as my children have had wonderful childhoods but I am deeply sad for myself. Read Paula Hall’s book or read about her work online. It is a huge problem for so many men and is very very difficult cycle to break.

M here in same position. We love each other, are great together in so many ways but our sex life has gone. For me, my children are more important so I’ve learnt to focus on self care and deal with the rejection

I would put my life savings on him having a secret porn addiction. Unfortunately, porn is destroying relationships and sex lives.

There are many men (and women) to are avid viewers of porn and still lead perfectly healthy and active sex lives.
I'm not defending porn (no time for it myself) but it's over simplistic to just blame porn in sexless relationships.

I agree, and it is definitely not the cause of the issues in my situation.

Excessive use of porn wouldn’t help a relationship though would it.

Agree. And to me it doesn’t sound like he has any interest in sex here, porn or otherwise. It sounds like this is just who he is, no interest in sex at all.

Don’t waste your sex drive years on him.

I suffered crap sex due to DH being on antidepressants and drinking. I stayed because I thought he might do something about it, and for the kids. I bitterly regret it.
Now I’m peri menopause and don’t want sex, but I’m still with him and full of resentment. I should have gone then.

Avid users is not the same as addicted users - it’s not even close.

Addicts present as no interest in sex - will say that’s the case and in some ways that’s true - the porn use becomes no longer about sexual release- in fact often the user doesn’t have an erection but it isolates the user from healthy relationships in the way that any addiction does .

This.

My exDH ignored me not just sexually but as a person. I never did get an answer other than his feeling resentment about being married and taking it out on me, oh and that I'd 'let myself go'

I suggested an open relationship as a way of avoiding divorce (was clutching at straws) and he stated that he was very black and white on the issue and expected the full relationship (despite doing nothing to make it happen)

I left him. He was and is a gutless spineless lazy twat. He's in another long term relationship and I'm completely single. Go figure

Single parenting is hard, but in some ways at least its more so on your own terms

Consider your options carefully, for me it was needlessly cruel and dishonest behaviour

as someone who grew up with two parents who didn’t love each other anymore

it has definitely affected my ability to form relationships.

my mum eventually ended up on AD I assume partly because of the rubbish relationship, and so not only did I not get to observe a healthy relationship, I also lost my happy loving mum as she became withdrawn and stopped showing me affection. She just wanted to sleep all day.

I struggled to get close to people as when I grew up the norm was no physical affection / arguments.

Is it not the drive to reproduce that makes us want to have sex?

Ok I’ll get shot down for this 🙈

but I’d consider looking outside the relationship for some sex

mainly to test the water and feel desirable again and recognise what it can feel like

then with that knowledge and confidence you can decide what to do about this

Porn addiction is extremely rare. Unfortunately, its not that rare amongst teenagers / young adults thanks to smart phones, but for those who grew up without easy access to porn, it is quite a rare addiction.

I'm always sceptical when people "self diagnose" low libido when confronted by their partner about their relationship. No offence to the OP (I am sure she is a very attractive and lovely person) but I bet if he was on a desert island with Cindy Crawford his libido wouldn't be an issue.

So I recall in one of the episodes of “ The crown” this was probe Phillip’s exact suggestion to princes Di.
Someone said in an earlier comment , “ this is the only ground I’d excuse an affair “. This is where I stand.

Two of my exes were exactly like this. They were both talking to other women behind my back and getting their jollies elsewhere.
I'd keep an eye out!

Are you saying that it would be excusable to have an affair and stay with the spouse in order to keep the family unit together - that that would be the best course of action in your opinion?

This post and the comments are really sad. It seems that it’s not just about sex but affection too. It sounds really difficult OP. I have no advice but I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It doesn’t seem like any way to live long term