Sexless marriage

[Starryeyed543]

First time posting so be gentle please. I'm interested to see other people's opinions on this. Me and my dh have been together for almost 10 years married for 3. Sex started out great but reduced significantly as time went on down to once a month. This was his choice not mine. Whenever I tried to instigate sex or dress up etc he couldn't perform so I stopped cause let's face it there's only so many times you can be kicked in the face and go back for more. I've never thought of myself as unattractive up until this. Anyway I dealt with the once a month then we decided to try for a baby start of last year he was all in happy for it mainly his idea and then we didn't have sex for 5 months. I spoke to him about it at the time asking if it was something I was doing wrong, was there someone else or something else he was into and just to talk to me so we could sort it out and deal with it if it was someone/something else he was interested in. He assured me there wasn't he just has a low libido. I suggested we went to see someone about it therapist or doctor he chewed my face off and told me a relationship isn't all about sex and there was something wrong with me if it was so important. At this point I would like to point out its not just the sex thing he doesn't cuddle me, hold my hand etc gives me a kiss when he's going to work or coming home but if we spend the whole day together then there is nothing.

I was lucky to get pregnant in June last year(his birthday) But unfortunately miscarried in August. I then got pregnant in November last year(my birthday) and had my baby in August. This was the last time we had sex. He didn't want to touch me when I was pregnant and now struggling with pp body he won't come near me. Our baby has been for 2 overnight stays and still nothing. Yesterday we dropped her off at lunchtime went for something to eat he then complained about eating too much he felt sick. Then he napped for 2 hours then ate more food complained about feeling sick again (the equivalent of a headache for him?) Then sleeping for 10pm. Whilst we were watching TV he didn't sit next to me. This morning he woke about 930 asked when we had to leave told him about 1145 he went straight back to sleep. I eventually got fed up and went in the shower about 1015 and surprise when I came out of the shower he was wide awake. It was as if he was pretending to be asleep so I didn't expect anything.

It actually makes me feel so shit and disgusting and I know if I bring it up it makes it worse. I just wonder if I am the unreasonable one in this situation or am I trying for a relationship that has no future?

I feel for you; it feels hopeless. When my partner and I got together, we had both come from lacking physical relationships, so it was one of the vital prerequisites that we would grow together, exploring each other and new exciting and erotic things. After a few years (coming up to a decade), things declined. Now receiving a half-arsed handjob is about as erotic as it gets, and even then, sometimes I will struggle to cum as I know she's not into it, and it feels like I'm a chore.

Sometimes it's too easy for her; I work from home, so I have her dinner on the table most evenings; I cook, clean, and supportive and have exceptional oral skills, lol, and told I'm attractive. I do all the right things. I don't want to start again, and I love her a lot, but the resentment builds.. I feel so unwanted and lonely.

Obviously I can't speak for your DH, but I'd like to offer some perspective from the other side of things which I hope might help in some way.

For many years I struggled with vaginismus. If you don't know what that is, it is very painful sex, which sometimes made it impossible. This created many issues, including showing affection due to the many confidence issues it brought.

Every time we tried, I either couldn't do it at all, or screamed in pain and had to scream at him to stop. I can't tell you how much of a total failure this made me feel. Both as a woman, and a wife 😥. No matter how much DH said he understood, and was patient, it drove me even further into a form of depression about it. Every time we tried and same thing happened, my feelings of failure got worse and I got more upset. Even with visits to the gp and a therapist, nothing worked.

Eventually we just stopped trying as it gave the same result. By this time, I'd lost all interest in it as didn't want to let DH down again!) and failing yet again! I avoided affection for a while because there was no point as sometimes affection would lead to the bedroom and... well you know what would happen so I avoided it. Mynmood was also low because of it. It was a vicious cycle. One time DH and I went away for a night to a hotel while his mum babysat, and I loved the fact we stayed out until 2am and were too tired and drunk to do anything by time we got to the hotel as I was dreading it the whole night 😞. Not because I didn't want to have sex with him, but because I'd let him down again and end up ruining a good day and night by me getting.upset and him feeling disappointed.

Thankfully I found a solution, and although I still have it a little every now and then, sex is at least possible.

I wanted to give another perspective before you make any quick decisions about your marriage. Thankfully for my DH, I was open to therapy, however it sounds like your DH has taken your suggestion as you making an issue about something he currently can't do. He is in denial, and this is the first thing you need to sort out in order to go forward. If you can't get through to him to admit he has a problem and see a therapist with you, then I honestly don't know where you go from there. If he'd rather lose you than seek help then this is your biggest problem, not his issue itself.

Talk to him and tell him this is about him. Reinforce that it isn't about you missing sex or sex being the most important thing, etc, it's about you as a couple. Good luck!

I had this with an ex partner. The change was almost overnight. We went from being at it like rabbits, and ended up with him couldn't even have me touch him without shuddering.

Of course it was my fault. Of course I suggested couples therapy which he shut down quicker than I could finish my sentence. Of course he blamed medical reasons. Of course he said if our relationship was based on sex then it wasn't the kind relationship he thought it was and wanted to be in.

He made me feel like s*, my body image was destroyed, my confidence went, so did my self worth.

Turns out he was cheating and had been for a while. Got the mistress pregnant and my entire family were covering for him.

Strongly recommend you get out whilst you can.

@SoonToBeSwedeyMummy I hope you manged to rebuild your confidence after that.

I did.
It took me 18 months of just learning to be me again before I decided to try my hand at online dating.
Kissed a few frogs and ended up having an absolute whirlwind of a romance with someone from tinder. We're now expecting 🥰

Your DD is very young. If you separate now she won’t know anything different

A Happy ending, congratulations also :))

I wonder if you have mismatched sex drives? My husband is hyper sexual por n addict.. We are now separated... I haven't wanted sex with My husband for years... He pressurised me for sex so much I felt averse to him... He equated sex to live and made me feel guilty whenever I didn't feel in mood... Eventually I felt harassed ...My right to say no felt violated because of his demands for sex... Of course it has driven a knife in our marriage.... That and the p or n use... All I can say is that the reason could me complex..from the point of view of a partner who doesn't want sex, it can be incredibly annoying to be badgered for sex...or to feel guilt tripped into sex... That is not voluntary consent ... There is likely a reason he doesn't want sex.. It could be physical or mental or he could just have a lower sex drive... Sex is not love..yes it's important for some people, but not all... If you want your marriage to work you could try marriage guidance... In my case marriage guidance told my husband he had to fix his por n addiction first and stop expecting me to give him sex.... Thing is you might be simply sexually mismatched and if you are truly unhappy, I don't know how you fix it... Chances are he is unhappy too.. If you don't want sex you don't want it and you don't owe it to your partner... has to be freely voluntary on both sides........

I was there for 5 or so years and never got to the bottom of it - asking myself whether it was a porn addiction, was he seeing someone else, was he gay. I realised that the outcome was the same though, he was simply not interested in me. I am now expecting my first baby with a lovely man who makes me feel desired.
I look back at pictures of that time and realise how frumpy and not myself I looked. It chipped away so much at my self-esteem that I just gave up on myself I think.
In my experience, it doesn’t get better but I understand that you have a child together. Look after yourself and reevaluate whether this situation works for you x

Sounds somewhat similar to own situation. Currently trying to work out whether DW is continuing to struggle with libido issues & why given it's been so very long. She won't talk about things or seek any medical advice or consult with others at all. Wondering will it ever change & can I live this way for much longer. Have no wish to be in a sexless marriage on a long-term basis but that's where we seem to be & I've run out of ideas of how to try & improve things. I don't think she gets just how low I am about the situation. Am seriously thinking about ending the relationship even though I still love her. There's just not enough passion or intimacy & solo play only just doesn't do it for me. Not interested in an affair or similar so may be no other option but to leave perhaps.

Tasty cereal and OP where are you know? Have you left your relationships? I ask because I am in the same situation. Initial good sexual relationship, then less, get pregnant and absolutely no interest followed by me feeling less and less happy and trying to sort things out. Work out the problem, blaming myself, years go by, until now realise I’ve been wasting my life hoping things will change.

Starryeyed543 did you leave? If your husband can’t look inside himself and be honest with you and sort out the relationship you are better to leave. I stayed for my young DS , hoping for improvement, mostly believing it was my fault or at other times believing that he was interested in improving things. Also believing the no intimacy was just a phase. Certainly the one therapist we saw said no sex and intimacy is common in marriage. We never got to how this could be addressed but paid a extortionate amount of money per session. Roll on many years and I realise leaving with an older child is actually more difficult. The child understands what is going on more and is more distressed.

What happened CHE1982 did you make a new life?

@Cataholicartist75 yes I stayed in the relationship because honestly I don't see how I would benefit leaving him. I barely see him anyway tbh and instead I have spent more time on myself and my self confidence so that I am not relying on his attention for me to see my self worth and I am feeling better

Starryeyed543 has the dynamics changed at all now you have been looking after your self and self confidence? Don’t you think you should escape you must be young enough to actually eventually meet a man more suited to your intimacy levels. Asking again because I am thinking all these thoughts for myself. I have decided to enforce co-parenting in the short term. It’s that anyway in my relationship but just I will make it more formal.

What I mean Starryeyed543 is that I am planning not to cook for my DP since I work like a dog for no thanks. He calls me lazy when he’s in a grump. He is glass half-empty and it’s all my fault, passive aggressive and like your partner thinks no sex or cuddles or love is fine. I too cannot just leave. Complicated.

@Cataholicartist75 it's changed in the sense that I don't actually care what he thinks anymore. I still do everything house and child related which tbh just puts me off sex with him more anyway. I would be unlikely to try and meet someone else wouldn't want to bring another man into my DDs life too many weirdos out there and the thought of sharing custody of DD makes me sick

Starryeyed543 interesting what you say. Ditto doing everything anyway and being hence put off sex with DP more anyway. I am going to try in the short term to go for co-parenting as I too fear the repercussions of a big dramatic house selling split ..I am going to go for it in baby steps. However, I don’t know if this will work yet. But I’m not going to host meals, play happy families etc. I’ll put time into me, like you are doing. I’m not planning on being churlish though so I will do things with my DS with my DP but only for my DS sake and far less often. My DS is very delicate emotionally and this is why I must take things slowly. Without my DS, I’d have finished the relationship many years ago. I’ll do this as a very gradual thing and see how it goes..with the eventual aim of fully separating.
How have your friends and family reacted to what you are doing? Have they even noticed? what about family events and things -attenders are invited to?

Things couple are invited to..how do you manage these occasions Starryeyed543?