Obsessed with the OW

[Rooterfruit]

My husband had an affair 8 years ago at work. Although I no longer feel raw pain about it, I can’t help myself checking her social media.
She promotes being a supportful mother to other mothers offering advice, and speaking about how tough it can be. When she had her affair with my husband I had two small children, and the hypocrisy makes me quite sick. I know I shouldn’t look, but I can’t help myself and often am on the verge of replying to her posts and informing her followers of what a fraud she is.
How do I get past this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

By accepting she's a different person after 8 years. Perhaps she promotes all of this be abuse she now understands how hard it is?

If you can't get over your husbands hypocrisy you can forget about her and hers!

I would validate my feelings by recognising that it is a completely normal reaction and that you're probably experiencing trauma (post traumatic perhaps?) and your brain is reliving the past because you haven't worked through that trauma.
I really feel for you. You could either get professional guidance from a psychologist, or you could try doing it alone which could actually be empowering for you. Expending energy on seeing what she's doing is a waste of energy. You spend that energy on getting what you want from life instead.

That’s very true. I guess I’m looking for some kind of validation from it, some accountability but why would she share that. It’s not going to happen.

Do you feel as strongly toward your husband as you do toward this woman?

It sounds like you're directing all your hurt and anger to her because it's too painful to direct it at your husband. It must be awful for you knowing he decided to disrespect you and hurt you like that. The man who vowed to stay faithful and to love you. I'm not surprised you're not over it. You'll never trust him again. He's broken that trust and your relationship and as you've found, it will never be the same again.

This woman is pretty irrelevant. Yes, she shouldn't have had an affair with a married man but realistically, if it wasn't her, he'd have just done it with someone else. Maybe she feels guilty, maybe she's changed. It doesn't matter because you're not married to her.

She's an irrelevance to your life. Who knows, maybe she secretly envied you or your life? It doesn't matter if she goes on to win the Nobel Peace Prize or murder in cold blood. You know that she's not worthy of your time. Do not think of her anymore. The accountability comes from you now. You are accountable to yourself. Allow yourself to live a happy life, not worrying about some irrelevant, hypocritical non-entity.

She sounds insufferable. I get the temptation to expose her to her followers but you know how it will end up with you being portrayed as the crazy one so block her and stop thinking about her, she's done enough damage don't give her more space in your life.

She is not the one you should be directing your anger at - it's your husband

When she had her affair with my husband I had two small children, and the hypocrisy makes me quite sick

He had an affair when you had two small children.

I understand why you feel this way but if you can forgive your husband, you can forgive her. If he has changed since, there is a high chance she has too.

FWIW I could have written your post almost word for word. My husbands AP does a very VERY similar thing all over social media .

But...

If you acknowledge her, you give her exactly what she wants. Every post is a desperate cry for ego kibbles from anyone and everyone. A bite from you would be just too utterly delicious to this empathy lacking, sorry state.

I know it's hard (believe you and me, I have quite the story when it comes to this) BUT you have to lock her away, cage her up in your mind and throw away the key.

She. Is. Irrelevant.

What matters is that you and your family are moving on. What matters is the work your husband has done to be a better person.

I don't agree with the above posters about not trusting after infidelity (I trust my husband, and we're very happy), but I do agree that she could have been anyone. Anyone broken and sad enough to think shagging a married man made her worthy.

Hold onto that.

Are you doing rhe same with your ex? Do you stalk his social media, or does he not use it. Do you feel the same obsession? Want to tell everyone about him or did you already do that?

She’s irrelevant. If it had not been her, it would have been someone else. Don’t keep putting yourself through this, don’t get stressed out because that scumbag couldn’t keep his trousers zipped - it will affect your health.

cant blame you, the temptation must be great

I believe the OP is still with him.

I’d do it. How eye rolling when you know the truth of her character

And I’d absolutely do it and also know she is irrelevant to my life now

One of my ex’s many years ago was unfaithful. We didn’t stay together but long after I’d stopped hurting from what he’d done to me I still felt anger towards her, probably still do if I’m totally honest with myself. It doesn’t make sense really. What she did was wrong. She knew that he was in a serious relationship and still pursued him but at the end of the day she didn’t know me and didn’t owe me anything. My ex on the other hand had known me for six years. He’d lied to me and crept around behind my back. He knew how much it would hurt me but chose to do it anyway. He knew how badly I’d been hurt in the past and how difficult it was for me to trust another man. He played a big part in why I don’t think I’ll ever truly trust another man so his actions are still having an impact on my life, so why is it that I am now totally indifferent to this person that humiliated me and betrayed my trust but I still think about this woman that I don’t even know??? I don’t know anything about her other than her name and could have passed her in the street without even knowing. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t lose any sleep over it but when something happens that reminds me of that time I still feel quite strongly about her. I suppose in a case like OP’s it would be too painful and downright exhausting to still harbor the same level of anger towards my partner as they’re still together but why do women like myself feel this way? They were both out of my life at the same time and as I said it was him that really betrayed me, not her. One of life’s little mysteries I suppose, one of my life’s anyway 🤣
sorry for the long post. I do go on when I’m in one of my contemplative moods

Unless you are also making your H walk around with a plaque saying ‘Adulterer’ - you really should stop planning revenge on her.

Transferring your anger into her and holding on to that for 8 years isn’t healthy.
I am sorry.

You need to focus on her because if you dont then the only place you can look is at your husband who you clearly chose to stay with. And you cant pretend all is rosy when you deep down know that he is a selfish uncaring immoral piece of shit. So you blame her.

He chose to cheat when you had 2 small children. Do you think that if she hadnt been there then he wouldnt have cheated? Or, as is more likely, he didnt like the early years of having kids because he wasnt #1 priority anymore so sought out an ego boost somewhere else. If it wasnt her, it would have been someone else, and I think that you know this.

I suspect that your obsession with her is a symptom of the fact that you havent actually accepted or forgiven your husband, but that facing that would probably mean the end of your marriage. I can sympathise, I felt the same when my (now ex) H first cheated on me. I LOATHED the OW and made her life hell (not something I am proud of) when the person I should have levelled my hatred at was him, but my baby was 5 weeks old and I scared to be on my own if I chucked him out. I conveniently re-wrote the narrative, just as you have. I focussed on the fact that she knowing had an affair with a man who had a pregnant wife and then a newborn. I glossed over the fact that he CHOSE to cheat on his pregnant wife and when I knew something was wrong, gaslit to me to such an extent that he said I should be taking anti depressants that I didnt need, in order to keep his deception going. I genuinely thought I was losing my mind. But no.....I had to blame her because if it wasnt her fault then me staying with him was a down right bloody stupid and destructive thing to do. And it was.....

Eh? Am I missing the part where someone who has an affair can’t be a supportive mother? Not really sure how these things are linked! Also if you look at the statistics out there then there must be a lot of unsupportive mothers… 🙄
I’m assuming that you are still with your husband. He’s the one who betrayed you, what are your thoughts about him as a father? Also I would suggest that if you aren’t over it after 8 years then you might need to reassess the relationship.

Wow, some of these comments seem a bit harsh on OP. I do wish folk would be a bit kinder.

It is far easier to accept poor behaviour and forgive those we love than a total stranger.

@Rooterfruit There is nothing unusual in your thoughts. I have never forgiven the OW and why should I? What she did was totally shitty. I pity her for having had no self respect or morals.

It is also worth noting that many of those who make a big show on social media are frauds just seeking attention and the reality of their life very different to what they portray.

This is really balanced advice. I am struggling with the trust conundrum right now having been through something very similar and am also paranoid and am checking up on the OW on social media. How did you re-gain the trust?

What do you gain from looking? It doesn't sound like you walk away satisfied. Block her from everything and everytime you go to look stop yourself. There is no point reconciling if you torture yourself regularly. She isn't going to show remorse for what she has done on social media so what ever you are seeking you won't get. She didn't marry you and she didn't have kids with you. She owes you nothing in reality and I say that as a betrayed spouse. Your behaviour is unhealthy and you need to ask yourself what are you really looking for and are you going to get it from doing what you are?

I can also relate to your post and I think someone further up.
I'm still with my husband after he cheated on me rather spectacularly when I had a young child. We are happy 4 years on but it took huge amounts of work from him. For a very long time I checked the OWs social media who posted complete bollocks on it. And it took all of my might not to write how she had an affair when she was in a position of trust (teacher) and basically acted very inappropriately (using my DD at school by doing her hair post affair, giving her presents in school etc). You know what I don't really care anymore. I've forgiven him and her for the affair, I've not forgiven her behaviour afterwards. She is irrelevant and I imagine embarrassed by her behaviour (she left the school.
It is possible to move on from an affair as much as everyone tells you it's not. But it's way too early to know if this is something you even want at the moment (we separated for 6 months).

@Helena22 i really feel for you! It's a long hard painful slog.

Tbh I didn't even try to rebuild trust. That was my husbands job. I know that seems a lazy answer but his daily actions had to show me that I could trust him again. I remember being told that every small consistent, transparent, empathic action will slowly fill your trust bucket and it's true. I trust him because he has shown me true remorse and real change. It took a long time for him to wade through regret, guilt and shame. And they were HARD days but I knew that he was a good man prior to the affair, a lovely man, I knew he could be that man again.

I always point posters towards surviving infidelity website and affair recovery videos (all free), as these resources really helped me heal.

Good luck