Obsessed with the OW

[Rooterfruit]

My husband had an affair 8 years ago at work. Although I no longer feel raw pain about it, I can’t help myself checking her social media.
She promotes being a supportful mother to other mothers offering advice, and speaking about how tough it can be. When she had her affair with my husband I had two small children, and the hypocrisy makes me quite sick. I know I shouldn’t look, but I can’t help myself and often am on the verge of replying to her posts and informing her followers of what a fraud she is.
How do I get past this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

As 5128gap rightly said, it is an appalling and completely inappropriate analogy. It would work only if a) affairs are comparable to child abuse and b) the refuge worker used her job as cover to find married men to cheat with.

Child abuse can't be negated by charity work, especially when that charity work is only a cover and a tool for your abuse. But you can have an affair and still demonstrate that you care about women's safety from violent men, and do something constructive about it. Perhaps you are a bad wife but that doesn't mean you must be a bad support worker.

To complicate matters further, a lot of the women in the refuge had had affairs themselves. In some cases, that's precisely why they weren't safe and had been attacked or thrown out.

Im not sure some people understand that anger is not a finite emotion. After infidelity there’s more than enough to go round for both the husband and the OW. Wish people would stop saying - ‘your husband is the one you should be angry at’ as if OP is totally fine with him and is reserving everything for the other woman. It doesn’t work like that, it’s entirely possible to be angry at both.

If affairs can be compared to violent crime or akin to child abuse then the husband is also just as guilty so how can you possibly stay with someone who did that? You cannot say she is as bad as a violent or abusive person but he is not. culpability is culpability no matter whether its male or female. We have no idea where HE works or what position of trust he is also in! What if he is in a role with just as much social responsibility as she is? I have a very, very low opinion of women who go after married men but the disconnect here is just bizarre. We also have no idea what HE told this woman. Men tell all sorts of lies to justify affairs, she could have been duped by him that they were separated, she had rejected him or all sorts. That does not excuse it but you cant say she is incapable of doing her job whilst he is fine to continue his. Thats simply ludicrous. Lashing out at someone online may make you feel better for a few minutes but things like that stir up horribly negative feelings and "revenge" oftent hurts the person doing it more than the target. Hatred begats hatred. Thats not to say the OP cannot feel immense anger towards her because thats natural but attacking someone rarely (if ever) offers us the peace we think it will.

Did anyone compare affairs to any of those things? Or are you just using hyperbole for some reason?

This is supposed to be a support thread for OP, and somehow its turned into a justification thread for the OW.

Yes, some people were saying the affair is so immoral she should not be working in a role that supports women. Similar to other dodgy past histories. I suggest you read the actual thread. I never even said that- other people made that analogy and I commented on it because its ridiculous. Also, how on earth is it unsupportive to suggest the OP shouldnt attack the OW online? people are saying that because it will damage HER not the OW. If you start a war then be prepared to end it- she could just as easily post something deeply unkind about their marriage in retaliation. How will that help anyone?

Yes, comparisons to Saville and violent crimes and suggestions that having an affair should disqualify you from holding any position of medical or social support trust. Not unusual for affair threads on here, to be fair. Make daft comparisons and expect them to be refuted. She asked for help on how to get past it. Comparisons like that really aren't supportive in that regard. Doesn't reflect well on spouses who stay and try to work through it if that's true.Nor is it supportive to encourage her to a line of action that isn't helpful to her...and wading into the OW's social media eight years later, will be unhelpful to say the least.As for justification, nobody has suggested affairs are OK. It's not "justification" just because you refute the idea that they're akin to violent assault or child abuse, or should get medical amd social care professionals struck off. That's not the kind of hyperbole that helps anyone to move on.

If affairs can be compared to violent crime or akin to child abuse

Can we stop with this? Pp made an analogy. You might think it's not apt, but that doesn't mean they said affairs are as bad as child abuse. Interestingly no wuote

@ReneBumsWombats actually some people do think affairs are ok. Anyone who says the OW owes nothing is saying that.

Sigh.

"Also known as 'the Saville defence''."

"A better analogy would be a health care worker with a history of violence, who posts on social media about their work and how much they support victims of violence."

There you go.

Not at all uncommon on threads like this and yes, comparing a man who used charity work to get access to children to abuse to a woman who had an affair while working for a refuge is an appalling analogy, to say the least.

No, that's not at all what it means.

They mean that you should blame your husband, because he's the one who promised himself to you and nobody but him is responsible for that promise. Not that the affair was OK, but that you can't hold the world responsible for a promise he made to you. It's on him.

So by that response affairs are ok, as long as you’re not married - as no promises we’re made

No, affairs are not OK... because they mean someone promised you something, and broke that trust.

Not because some random woman had sex. Because your husband promised himself to you, and then shat on it.

Unless you're of the view that it's fine for him to keep sniffing around women and trying it on, as long as they all say no.

I’m of the view that both the cheat and the other person are to blame. Whether the OW made a promise or not, unless they were unaware of the wife, they made an active choice to do something which would cause another person unspeakable pain. That means that she should also be accountable for her behaviour - as should the husband. It’s not an excuse that she doesn’t know the OP. We should all have common decency towards others and not hurt them with our actions. To be clear though, I’m not suggesting that OP should exact revenge on her, as it’s not worth OP’s time, effort or headspace

@Boolyboo So by that response affairs are ok, as long as you’re not married - as no promises we’re made

Errr, no.

Look at it this way.

The husband is the one who organised the bank robbery but the OW drove the 'getaway car'.
So the DH initiated the heist but the OW facilitated it.

One party couldn't do the crime without the other but whether or not they are equally culpable is a matter of conjecture.

In this analogy though husband would deserve punishment/being arrested (the equivalent of OP’s anger) as would the OW, as she also was involved. I’m not suggesting the husband doesn’t deserve the anger, just that the OW does too

No one is justifying the OWs contribution, but there are those of us who don't feel the best way to support the OP is to add fuel to the fire of her anger against the woman.
It benefits the OP not one iota to have a bunch of people jumping on here to agree the OW is the devil incarnate. Unless she's brand new to the forum she will know the house views already and repeating them ad nauseum does nothing to help her move forward.
The OP is stuck because she hasn't moved past her Hs betrayal. While she continues to surpress her anger towards him by diverting it to the other woman, who of course she is angry with (but surely not as angry as with the man she still somehow shares a life with) she will remain stuck.
Acts of revenge on SM might give short term relief but they will not alleviate her anger and pain, because she isn't targeting its real cause.
Whether you or she agrees, pointing that out is an act of support of her.

There's literally no point being angry at the OW. Even if she grovels on her knees for forgiveness and wears a hair shirt forever, if you're still married to a man whom you can't trust then it doesn't do any good. The betrayal happened within the marriage.

And if you can't trust that it won't happen again, because he's not shown himself to be trustworthy, you can deflect on the OW all you like, but you'll remain stuck like OP is. Because you are aiming at the wrong target. Because it's entirely on him.

And you're probably priming him to cheat again because he knows you hold him only 50% responsible. Actually, if you stay with him while raging at the OW for years, you're holding him 0% responsible.

And all of this too.

This.

All this anger at her is misdirection. It just shows you are not over the affair. She is not responsible for the way your husband treated you. She is irrelevant. The only relevant fact if that your husband chose to cheat on you. Who he did it with is neither here nor there.

If you can't get past the affair, then leave him rather than torture yourself like this.

Spot on- this exactly! Its supportive to advise the OP to re-direct and process her anger rather than lashing out online