Obsessed with the OW

[Rooterfruit]

My husband had an affair 8 years ago at work. Although I no longer feel raw pain about it, I can’t help myself checking her social media.
She promotes being a supportful mother to other mothers offering advice, and speaking about how tough it can be. When she had her affair with my husband I had two small children, and the hypocrisy makes me quite sick. I know I shouldn’t look, but I can’t help myself and often am on the verge of replying to her posts and informing her followers of what a fraud she is.
How do I get past this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I would do it. I think it might be a cathartic experience, and you wouldn't be saying anything that isn't true!

I would think carefully about what you post though, and make only one comment (unless it is to justify, in a balanced way, any response). I would stay away from "this is a bitch that tries to steal other people's husbands" and go with something more like "I have tried to maintain quiet and dignity on this thread, but feel that in the interests of clarity this poster had an affair with my husband from x date to y, which obviously damaged my experience of parenthood, and destroyed the supportive relationship I previously had with the father of my child." I think it would make you feel vindicated, and better

WTF? 😳
Terrible advice! OP definitely don’t do that unless you want to look totally batshit!

think this poster is having fun at your expense op. Just move past it.

I agree it’s displacement

its still bugging you
but the person who owes you is your husband !

she , and I’m saying this honestly owes you nothing . Your just a stranger to her

it’s very understandable , but the brain plays funny tricks on us

@Rooterfruit
I understand your perspectives, but we all make errors and we are all human

....And some women make a career of targeting married men. I never realised there were so many that had such low self esteem and morals that they felt dropping their knickers for a married man would cure it.

I suggest you journal your thoughts OP, stay away from the silly moo's social media and concentrate on your man.

I'm sorry you are in this situation OP, I can't imagine how upsetting it must be.

As others have said, you need to alter your viewpoint on this for the sake of your own mental health.

You're anger is misdirected. The OW wasn't anyone special, she was just available. Your husband wanted an affair and she was a facilitator. Your anger should be directed at your husband.

Does your DH know how you feel? Have you talked to him about the affair? Has he apologised? Has he taken responsibility for what he did? Has he given you any assurances about the future? Or has it all been swept under the rug, as it were?

Maybe you could start with some individual counselling and see if that helps. Then perhaps move on to couples counselling?

It would be a very stupid thing to do. She may choose to contribute with details about what your "D"H did and said which may hurt you more than you could ever hope to hurt her.

It was not her fault. She didn't know you or cared about you. Your H shagged another woman while you were home caring for his DC. He is the one who betrayed, hurt and shamed you when he was supposed to love, respect and protect you. And you chose to stay with him. So anything you do against the woman he chose to cheat on you with may very well be turned against you and the cheater you are living with.

Yes- exactly. What about if she retaliates by saying something derogatory he said about his sex life with the OP? When you poke a bear and stir up trouble you cannot expect that you will escape completely unscathed. You have no idea what this woman is like- she might be vindictive, cruel etc. OR she might be a perfectly nice woman that your husband lied to and manipulated- eg telling her that you were crazy/cold or whatever to justify the affair.

Why is he getting off scot free here? how would YOU feel if this OW sent his work place a note detailing all the ways he has been duplicitous? When you attack someone, be very prepared for the consequences which could quite easily escalate into something very unpleasant...

MN love to protect women at all costs, particularly the other woman. At the end of the day, we all have a duty to be kind towards others, whether they said vows towards you or not. She deliberately did something unpleasant towards you, so yes, both she and your husband deserved your anger. It’s perfectly possible to hold anger towards more that one person at once, despite MN trying to convince you that this can’t happen. I wonder sometimes whether anger still remains for OW, as husbands often apologise, get the brunt of the rage and stick though it and receive regular admonishments for what they have done, yet it’s rare to even get an acknowledgment of what pain has been caused by the OW. The lack of recognition could be driving your anger OP, but either way I would just ignore her because anything else won’t get you what need and maybe make you feel worse. You’re worth more than that

She has moved on and grown as a person in the last 8 years. You should take a leaf out of her book and do the same.

You should be angry at your husband for cheating on you when he was married with 2 children, not directing your obsession towards her. You managed to forgive your husband. was 8 years ago, you gave no idea what she is like now. I'm a lot different then I was 8 years ago!

MN love to protect women at all costs, particularly the other woman

oh I don’t know about that . OW get a real pasting when they post here .

but I also agree with the ‘poke the bear’ analogy

it’s a real risk . She won’t just take an online pasting ! She will like retaliate and maybe nastily
which won’t help OP

And as long as the married men remember their duty, nothing can happen. There are billions of women in the world. Your odds are better if you rely on just your husband to keep his promise. If you can't, why are you married to him?

OP, there is no way you can interfere in this woman's life that won't make people think "no wonder he cheated" and displace the blame. It was your husband's commitment, he's responsible for it. If he didn't give a shit about his family why would a complete stranger care more?

And even if your cutting words somehow do bring her down (they won't), so what? You're still married to a man you don't trust and resent, and where are you going to deflect it now?

Totally agree! Great way to look at it.

Someone can have an affair and still be supportive to others. It's not all black and white and 'OW' doesn't necessarily mean she's evil personified.

I'm assuming your DH also paints an outward picture of being the loving husband and father. Yet HE was the one who shat all over you, not her.

Hi OP, sorry you're getting quite harsh responses on here I just wanted to say I absolutely understand your frustrations and I would probably be the same as you and keep looking at her profile etc. I think it does show you haven't fully forgiven your husband but quite right too, it's impossible to forgive an affair but more so to simply live with it afterwards.
All I will say is I guarantee you the OW feels a lot of guilt about your children, you might think she doesn't but she will feel it, a lot, no one is that unpleasant, so I would say what she's doing online is to help herself. When you look at the situation no one is a winner here, sadly, but I think you should try to look at her profile less often and reassess whether your are completely happy in your marriage, Christmas always seems a good time to do that.. and make a decision next year whether you want to stay or leave xxx

Well. I don't quite know why you're directing your anger at this women.

She didn't make vows to you
She wasn't parent of your small kids
She didn't lie to you every day
She wasn't the one sleeping with you

She would have been lied to by the same man who lied to you
You don't even know if she knew he was married (you know your husband to be a liar)
He'll have either denied you exist or told her your were crazy &'it was a sexless loveless farce
Of a marriage.

That's what cheats do.

It's been 8 years. Do not confirm to her the lies he probably told about you. She has moved on & become a different person.

It's time you did too.

You are traumatised because someone you loved lied to you.

Deal with that and him. If you choose to leave him, no one would blame you.

He is scum.

Very harsh, you've obviously never been in OP's position.

Have you had any counselling to deal with this? I agree that it sounds like displaced anger.

He's not 'her' man though is he? He's an autonomous human being who excercised his free will to have an affair. All the 'concentrating' on him in the world doesn't change that he's a cheat and liar and may well be again. OP would do far better to direct her anger and hurt where it really belongs and give serious thought as to her future. The obsession with the OW is a clear sign she isn't over what her husband did to her.
I don't know how it is that you've become sufficiently acquainted with so many women who 'target' married men to know so much about their motives and psychology, and where you've met them all, but tbh they're irrelevant, as is the OW in the OPs situation.
All this bitterness against them, though understandable, just acts as smokescreen that stops women facing the uncomfortable reality that 'their man' is no good.

OP if you are still lurking and reading PLEASE move away from MN for advice on this and check out surviving infidelity.

You'll get a fair, empathic and sensitive hearing there.

Check out their reconciliation and general forums.

Absolutely echo @Ladybugzrock , time probably to leave this thread and seek more balanced advice.

No I agree with @Boolyboo. Plenty do defend OW, though not all ofc. Depends on the thread.

If you cheat with another woman's husband, you owe her nothing apparently and you don't have the right to be angry at her. She didn't make the vows so it's free reign for her to get some.

Er no yo can't be supportive to other women if you're an OW shagging somebody's DH. However, time has passed and people do change.